We met online as do so many men and women do these days and the "written" chemistry between us was absolutely amazing. We connected on many levels. One being every guy's favorite... humor.
I made two huge mistakes with her but in my defense, it was before I turned myself into a type one guy...
Mistake one: I didn't talk to her on the phone before our first date.
The evening was a disaster - boring, short, and even with my oddly remarkable memory, I don't remember one thing we talked about.
I recall where it was and what I ate; it was one of my favorites - a spicy fettuccine at a now-closed restaurant.
This (lack of conversational connection) we had while writing each other could've easily been fixed if we just talked a little first - knowing what I know now about dates has proven it to me.
Mistake two: I took her a dinner date.
The worst place to be on the often anxiety filled first date, is an evening dinner.
Think about it - nothing makes someone more self-conscious and uneasy having to eat in front of another you barely know, but you find attractive.
Something which could have been avoided if I knew the rules I do know about what to do on a date, one being...
Do SOMETHING, ANYTHING - which is fun and has great conversation and connections built into them.
Those were MY mistakes and they taught me a lot which were used later on in my dating life.
Now...
Since most men typically do all the early courting, they set up the dates, they're (mostly) the ones who ask for it, and are pressured to attract you, where does that leave you?
Well aside from your nervousness and the pressures you might feel too, IF you want to give that first date the best possible outcome, your conversational skills are, and will ALWAYS be the best tool you can bring to the (hopefully not stuck at a dinner) table.
Today's post is a little more than just the general topics you will want to avoid talking about on the first date, they're EXACTLY what most average to above don't want to discuss.
Granted - there's a shared responsibility here. He has to meet you half-way and do his part too.
However since most men are not the greatest conversationalists, you can still do your absolute best to bring something more out of him, and leave a great lasting first impression.
Avoid these mistakes, focus on enjoying those positive moments with him, and allow yourself to experience chemistry.
1. No long discussions about anything.
If he keeps nodding and saying "yes" or "uh huh" all too often, you're probably doing it OR he's not into the date all the much OR he's deeply stuck inside his head which is very common on a first date.
I understand you want to connect with him on a deeper level. It may seem logical to discuss certain subjects at length but, this IS just a first date.
If you bring up subjects that take too long to fully engage him, there's a good chance it could end up being long and boring before you even realize it's happening.
This tip will help you to avoid this easily-missed mistake:
Men love intrigue. Men also fall for women who make him think about her when she's gone.
Drip-drop or split up the longer material so you can segue into it at a later time.
This will help you avoid the longer discussion early on, give you something deeper to discuss later, and give him the chance to wonder more about you.
2. Don't talk about past relationships.
If you slip and talk a little about them you must stay away from being negative about them or the person you were involved with.
Old relationships are in the past.
Leave them there for now.
Save the details for some other time IF you feel they're important for a guy to know. Just please do not bring them up on a first date.
NO guy wants to listen to it just the same as you don't want a guy bringing it up too.
Guys don't like to compete for women and once your last relationship is brought up, he might feel pressured to compete or be better than your last one which will take him out of his frame and cause him to do things outside his normal self.
3. If you have children, keep them out of the conversation.
This is just a first date. Save this special material for later.
This also goes for your friend's kids, your nieces, your nephews, and their kids and so on. I think you're getting the point.
This is a first date and unless you're at Chucky Cheese - flirt and have fun.
There's just nothing sexual about this type of conversation and I feel ( along with a lot of other guys ) this discussion should be also reserved at a later time.
It's best to not "sell" a relationship too early. You'll have plenty of time to see how good he is with kids or qualify him for something more.
Children talks on a first date will easily destroy the flirty and sexual fun vibe and might lead to may awkward moments.
Just skip it for now.
If he asks if you have them, go ahead and answer. It's obviously not something you want to hide - but please don't discuss the matter deeply because as noted above, it can easily ruin the flirting and sexuality in the air.
4. Don't "talk" about your job or career.
The secret words here are "job" or "career". They often lead to number 1. ( Long and boring conversations. )
What you want to do instead is to discuss your goals or passions, and not necessarily what you do. Even if they are one and the same.
Job and career often do come up early and that's okay.
However they must conveyed or talked about in a way which is exciting and shows your passion and goals.
Avoid giving general details about what you do and always spin it in a way which tells stories about your fun passionate adventures you encounter while getting paid.
The difference is huge. One becomes boring and unexciting and leads to number one, the other gives a glimpse of your exciting life minus the money aspect of it all.
This is a conversational skill very important in attraction to have and practice make perfect so try it all the time with everyone to notice how well it draws your listener in and makes them want to hear more.
5. Don't ask him questions which are, (this won't be a big surprise) about his job, his children, or his past relationships.
You can break this one but you must be careful. Stay away from questions that don't lead to a fun flirty conversation.
Here are some examples:
BAD: "What do you do for a living?"
BETTER: "Wow. You have wonderful hands. You must be a hand model."
BAD: "How long have you been single?"
BETTER: "Haha! You're a lot of fun. I bet you're married. Let me check that finger for a ring."
Notice the distinct difference and how one leads to boring stuff and the other is just having a great time.
The point is to avoid asking "interview" style close-ended questions because they go nowhere, and often leave both quickly fishing for something else to talk about.
Obviously a night filled with only flirting tends to get a little strange and monotonous, borderline weird, so a good tip is to let the flirting lead to something more, rather than hoping an interview-style question will lead to a flirty conversation.
6. Don't give excuses on topics you feel like venting on.
Your attraction could go down with each excuse you give... guaranteed. If it doesn't then how about something worse: You could turn a guy who is possibly qualifying you for a relationship, into a guy who just settles for sex or figures now, he's only looking for it.
Sure, you might find a guy who is willing to listen and I know you want a guy who can do that, who doesn't, but if you are looking for a better than average man... no excuses or venting... Okay?
Tip - If you're with a guy who appears to always be listening to all your problems with little hesitation, I can guarantee there's no real interaction going on.
What's he doing is putting up with it because he thinks you're going to like him more, OR he's hoping you'll be more likely to sleep with him quicker if he allows it to continue.
The BEST way to avoid this from happening to you, is to not vent on your problems early on, avoid giving excuses to your life and how you wished it would go - and while the outcome might not be eliminated entirely, it can be avoided most of the time.
The ONLY exception to this rule is when you're demonstrating a quirky habit. Lots of men find quirky habits on a woman they FEEL attracted to extremely cute.
However, always get that attraction first because without it, a cute quirky habit is honestly just plain weird to most men.
7. Don't complain about your life.
Again, like above, the more you complain, the less interested a guy will be into you for something more.
Just like the last topic, he may go along with it but you'll turn a guy who is maybe looking for something more into the "Well maybe just sex with her would be cool." very quickly.
No exceptions here.
Refrain from any complaints about your life and how you wish it could be better.
Stay positive.
Stick to fun lighthearted topics.
8. Don't talk about a bad day IF you're having one, and do not apologize for being in a bad mood.
If you want a man to become attracted to you even more, ( remember he's on a first date with you so chances are he already sees something in you he likes) don't ruin it by telling him you're sorry.
If the date goes well there's a great chance you'll forget all about your bad day very quickly, so let it go BEFORE the night or day date begins.
The right guy can make your past experience feel like it was a hundred years ago. Put on a happy face for now and if you can't fake it - change the date to another night.
Remember - no apologies - no saying you're sorry all the time if your bad mood leaks out.
Avoid it by simply enjoying the moment and the date.
Bad days usually disappear before the actual night does, and you can use this date as the beginning of a better day.
9. Don't interview him or ask questions about his religion or politics.
This may be a "no-brainer" but I felt it must be put here to make this a more complete list.
I've known plenty of women who have brought this stuff up and it's NOT fun at all.
Ask open-ended questions which require a full engagement from him. This will help you avoid the interview style questioning.
Think OPEN-ENDED. This means - Avoid ANY questions in which he can answer with a simple yes or no.
The exception to this rule will depend on your religion and how much of a part in plays in your relationships with men.
However... Politics... Yeah... NEVER! Unless you meet each in other in some political arena. Then I supposed that's okay.
10. Don't talk about the other men you are seeing.
Let him assume you're dating other guys. Let him believe whatever he wants to believe which may or may not be going on in your personal life.
If you want to create a "special natural connection" with him you won't do it by talking about some other guy he's competing with for you, your time, and possibly your wonderful attention.
Better men (type ones) who want better women will assume it. There must be one or more guys who are trying to get with you, and it's not a big deal to him.
Aside from the whole competition thing I feel this type of conversation only leads to you telling him what you want from a man or what you are looking for from him and this creates many problems all of which we can not discuss today.
Yes, you DO want to communicate you're also here (on the date) to qualify him, but there's a better way to do it without just telling him and definitely by NOT bringing up or talking about the other guys you're dating or seeing at the moment.
On the other end of men (the type twos) - they will tend to not like it or feel like you're playing a game, or feel inferior and fade away quickly because of it.
All this leads us nicely into number eleven...
11. Don't tell him what you are looking for (in a man) or what you are not looking for from a guy.
Think about it.
How do you respond when a man on a first date says things like,
"I really liked this girl but she was such a wacko."
"I don't want a woman who can't smile or doesn't laugh at my jokes."
(Hmmm of course... maybe he's just not that funny anyways.)
"I want a woman who can be there for me."
(As opposed to what, wanting a woman who isn't there for him. See how bad this comes off to the other person.)
These topics just create tension and not the good sexual tension you want.
Your actions, how you move ahead with your conversations, and how your personality comes across will show all you need to be showing.
No need to actually say it or anything like it much too early on.
Stating it blatantly can easily lead a guy believing you're overly picky, slightly arrogant, and judgmental too.
As I stated above, there's always a much more attractive way to communicate what you expect from men or what you're looking for from him.
Think about this:
We're ALL looking for the same thing if we're generally normal healthy people.
Love, affection, fun, sex, happiness, health, family, etc...
There's absolutely no need to state it, and there are not many ways to do it without it coming off bad and ruining the date.
12. Don't talk about your last date if it didn't go as planned - unless it's a really funny story.
The exception would be if the last date showed up with his Mom, or his Mom dropped him off, yeah.. you might want to mention that because it could get your date started on a fun note.
I understand you might confuse this with some other items on this list of "no - no's" but there's a subtle difference here.
Your last date is not a relationship.
Your last date is not one of the other guys you're seeing.
Your last date is not a marker set to see how well this one goes.
You see most women who compare dates find themselves almost always mentioning it at the worst time, and it creeps up on you when you least expect it.
The point is, at least as part of this list, is staying in the moment, and each thought you have which can take you out of those critical "attractive" moments must be avoided.
This is one of those.
Your last date happened.
That's it.
Focus on THIS date now and just sit back and enjoy the ride.
13. Don't talk about money.
The exception would be if you're offering to pay or you want to make it known you're going to be splitting the bill.
Just keep it short and move on quickly.
Money always equals bad tension.
Money breaks up marriages.
There's just too much negative associations with cash people rarely see.
There's absolutely NO place for it on the first date.
Think about all the places talking about money goes - complaining, whining, bitching, greed, unhappiness, inequality... not one of those leads to happy moments which is where you want the first date to achieve.
14. Any topics that include your hair, your nails, your clothes, and how you feel about them.
I can not tell you how much it turns off a man to listen to a woman tell him how bad she is looking today. It feels like you're fishing for us to tell you it's okay or even worse, and that you have very little self-esteem, OR it hinges on how a man sees you.
But hey...
Feel free to talk about something unique you may have just bought to wear tonight and the story behind how you got it. That's definitely okay up to a certain point because I'm more than positive you do not want a guy who's into womanly stuff and excited to hear about it more than you.
Obviously you're not talking to a girlfriend.
You're smart enough to realize that but think about what you're going to do when or if the conversations go dry.
Or those pesky little awkward silences that seem to creep up during the nervousness of a first date.
If you don't have a "game plan" for those moments you could easily find yourself going into the "friendship" mode to ease the tension.
And suddenly the "grooming" talk comes out of nowhere ready to ruin the night.
There you have it - 14 topics NOT to discuss on a first or second or possibly the third date too.
If you're thinking, where does that leave you?
What is there actually left to talk about?
How it feels like anything you bring up will lead to one of those areas. I hear you and yes, it's a real problem.
Happy to help you out.
NUMBER ONE:
Follow a rule which is perhaps the simplest most profound way to a man's heart...
If it's positive and fun for the both of you - go for it!
That leaves plenty of other things to discuss. The world is big and exciting and whether you believe it or not, you've led an exciting life, been to many places, done a lot - there should not be any shortage of great things left to discuss.
NUMBER TWO:
This is ONLY a first date. Leave some stuff as a mystery. Don't give it all away. Let him wonder. You only have to accomplish two things on a first date:
Have fun and leave with him wanting to see you again.
Don't overshare.
Challenge him.
Give him every reason to think about you AFTER the date.
NUMBER THREE:
Make sure you flirt with him just enough to keep it light and fun.
NUMBER FOUR:
Learn how to be an amazing conversationalist.
This is so important it can NOT be stressed enough. Talking is just talking but talk with a purpose, speak to him in a way which develops and builds.
You're NOT on a date just to exchange information.
Those four things alone will erase any need to bring up the 14 topics you should avoid on most first, second, or possibly third dates too.
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