You meet a guy and it "just happens" - right? Maybe you've chatted each other up on some dating site, or you knew each other a little from work, or he's a friend of a friend who seems all too irresistible and nice.
The chemistry is much too hard to resist and you find yourself ignoring that little voice inside your head. You know the one I'm talking about; telling you it's not good to sleep with a guy so quickly because, based on your past experiences, quick sex doesn't lead to a longer lasting healthy relationship.
At least it hasn't before or else you'd probably wouldn't be single.
No matter where it happens or how long it lasts (or even how good it was), you fuck...
And now you're a little scared.
You were not looking for a fling. You were looking for something long-term. Something more than you can get from a one night stand.
Where do you go from here?
How do you now bring it up?
Will "talking" about where the relationship is going now after something like this happens send him running so fast you can barely catch a glimpse of the trail he's left behind?
Aside from the "what now"...
I've always advocated that if you want or are actively looking for a long-term relationship you might need to delay sex for a negotiable period of time.
(The negotiable part means there's no set time frame you can predictably rely on and for each of us, it's different based on who we are, where we are, and where we've been.)
But... Is WAITING for that commitment before you have sex really the answer to a better relationship?
The sad fact is most men will gladly accept the sex first part and then try to negotiate the terms after it's done.
You probably already knew that and if not - NOW you do!
However, waiting until after he's committed to you may not give you the results you were looking for either because any guy can just "tell" you he's feeling committed and even prove that to you by not sleeping with other women BUT the REAL proof won't actually come until AFTER, will it?
All this leads me to believe that yes, it IS advisable to hold off on the sex for a little while because, among other reasons, if you're not looking for a one night stand or just sex why would you have it or let it happen anyways BUT I've also realized that having sex a little too early, maybe earlier than you expected, is not the end OR the entire reason a relationship might not happen.
In other words, having sex too early (or early on) is not the reason the relationship doesn't happen or fails all too quickly after it started.
It actually has something to do with it but not EVERYTHING, that's for sure.
It won't suddenly ruin the chances of something more happening because that something "more" will ALWAYS need something "else" to make it work... and if that something "else" isn't there - having sex on the first, second, third date, waiting for the commitment, (or even marriage for some of you) won't change a thing.
That was quite the complicated paragraph so I'll break it down a little.
Obviously - if you're sleeping with guys you're dating too quickly AND you're not in the relationship you want or always dreamed about - just NOT doing it probably won't change much at all because something is clearly missing or out of whack.
If you think you're holding off too long on the sex and it's scaring guys away because they're so "madly" in sexual love with you they just can not WAIT any longer and they disappear or stop calling you AND you think it's because they're not getting IT from you - I'd say, really?
While sex and physical intimacy IS an integral part of a healthy balanced relationship, think about how GOOD are those guys at doing at anyways - Do they need more practice first or what?
NOPE - something else is clearly missing or "out of whack" there and ANY guy who leaves you or stops contacting you because you didn't "put out" quick enough... AND believes he has to "sample the goods first" is not only fooling himself - he's fooling you because having GREAT SEX is so freaking easy (I'm being nice with my wording there) and such a learn-able skill that ANYONE can get it right... eventually.
Am I lying?
Think about it... How many couples do you know who were so in touch and in love with each other that the sex was worse the second, third, or fourth time? It GETS BETTER... ALWAYS!
Sure after some kids and work and all the balancing it could fizzle out but that's something entirely different so let's not go there.
My eventual point is or was...
Sex BEFORE the commitment may play its play in IT not getting there but it's not the BIGGEST reason why (if it's not happening for you) things are not there for you yet.
AND I feel for you... why?
Because I'm ONE of those guys who believed for years I would NEVER get closely involved with a woman UNTIL we had sex.
Does that make me a fool? Especially when I went sexless for years or does that make me an ASS? You make the call.
No matter what it makes me - I did NOT get married or even honestly seriously involved until I was forty eight years old.
Trust that I'm happy how it all happened - it was PERFECTION wrapped up in perfection and on top of all that wasn't a cherry - it was even more perfection.
BUT I digress - guys who think like that - act like that - need that - think they have to have it - or are full of not shit but full of themselves; SO let them wait until they're old and gray to figure it all out - YOU don't have to wait that long...
AND you can enjoy the ride along the way too.
Again - I DO believe you can NOT build a solid relationship based on physical intimacy or even strong chemistry. Relationships require more and THAT is what is missing and/or why it's happening for you.
I'm definitely NOT saying it's your fault - HE (they) are to blame too.
After all - we're ALL guilty of succumbing to our immediate desires at some or more points in our lives - I can not tell you how many times I've given up days of low carbs and healthy vegetables for one of my homemade delicious pizzas - what can I say, I cook GOOD.
In all honesty who really gives a flying (stuff that comes out of the butt) fault it is - you want a solution, then going down THAT road will NEVER fix anything. I know at least one woman who blames everything on men and she's still unhappily single at age thirty eight because ALL her time and energy is wasted on the blame game. I'm sure you know at least one or more yourself.
BUT I know that's not you so...
WHAT is MISSING?
The hard truth... men USE sex to make them feel like a man, thinking if they cant get her off they're not a REAL man ... women USE sex to get a man: period. They think that once it happens it means he's connected to her in some way.
It's all this USING sex that's the wrong way.
If you or him don't USE it, then it really doesn't come into play, does it?
It's an ACT. A release. A good time. It feels GOOD, GREAT, AMAZING!!!!!
And when it's done you've hopefully got someone close to hold for a while, until all the endorphins wear off or you do it again. But eventually it ALWAYS wears off.
What's missing or why it's not happening is the CONNECTION with men part and/or the guys you're dating are not being met or found under (let's just say) better circumstances. So yeah - the where part can make the difference too and I'll show you how to take care of that here:
Advice on How and Where To Meet A Guy, Getting Out Of Your Own Way (located at Meet & Attract Him) and the homepage too: Meet & Attract Him. I'll add a couple more on the credit section with regards to sex and dating too which can be very helpful to you.
The connecting with men on a level WITHOUT sex getting in the way starts by listening to this:
How To Build A Genuine, Loving Connection With A Man - The Heart Connection Toolkit
It was produced by the darling Rori Raye and will show you, just by listening to it - how to get men to listen to you AND respond in an intimate and connected way.
If you firmly believe you don't understand how all this connection thing with men is supposed to happen and the sex part is just one of the wrong ways it's happening for you then please take the time right now to read this "editors note" I wrote on the subject based on Rori's wonderful work at Meet & Attract Him:
The Right & Wrong Ways To Try and Connect With A Man
In conclusion...
There's no doubt in my mind that the mixture of dating and sex is a very confusing and often troublesome area which can lead to many problems AND...
Choosing or not choosing to have sex before the commitment can make a slight difference in where the relationship goes.
BUT... I do not believe the real answer to fixing these things is in the choice itself.
We all make good and bad choices everyday and it's certainly NOT the biggest reason why (if) the relationship you want is not happening for you it's because of that alone.
The biggest factor is the connections being made with men that are either leading to this early sex problem or dilemma or the USING of sex as some tool by either you or the guy.
I don't advocate having sex too early IF you're looking for something more long-term, within those conditions is certainly the tougher, longer, and more rocky road.
BUT again - it's not all to blame and looking for something or someone to blame will often take you far off from the path you need to be on which will totally eliminate DATING DECISIONS like this and so much more.
Connecting with the men you're dating is the KEY that must be unlocked and the rest falls in place naturally and easily too.
Please feel free to let me know what you think below:
Is It Good Or Bad To Have Sex Before A Commitment?
Follow Rori and her advice to learn HOW these connections MUST happen and how to make it happen too:
- How To Build A Genuine, Loving Connection With A Man - The Heart Connection Toolkit - Product info.
- The Right & Wrong Ways To Try and Connect With A Man - My editors notes.
Related articles with a sexual angle to them:
I beat down the lust beast (the struggle is real, but it’s been a long time and I have a lot of practice with the help of God) and know that once I have sex it’s going to be very difficult to get my lust back under control. So once I have a guy to have sex with I’m going to need him to stick around, because I don’t want to sleep around and risk std’s, baby daddy’s, heartbreak, obsession, bad name, fatherless children, desperation of any kind. It has to be a man I know is not going to leave and he’ll prove that with marriage, ring and paper. Strings.
But it’s important to know that you’re marrying a worthy man, too. It’s not just about that ring and paper. His character matters long before marriage enters the picture. His character towards the poor, weak, co-workers, servants, and especially towards women. His faith in Jesus and his love for the truth matters.
I don’t agree in holding off on sex if your both feeling and wanting it, then you should go for it. But I know first hand that it can halt a relationship from beginning if a man isn’t ready for what he believes is to come (no pun intended). I think in a man’s mind especially with a woman that this isn’t her norm and is a relationship kinda girl will believe he’s now going to get stuck in a committed relationship right away that he may not be ready for and it freaks em out a little. Now if you took it slow and didn’t go right into sex after the first few dates it can give the relationship time to grow at it’s own pace and see what truly can develop, but after sex it seems like from a mans perspective especially; they believe they are now headed right into relationship mode and unless that’s what they were seeking, it can make a guy bolt (at least temporarily and sometimes permanently). This has happened to me and fortunately for me, he came back after he sorted through his feelings and emotions but that’s not always the case so it’s something especially women have to consider when having sex early. Just something to chew on from a women’s perspective..
Thank you Sienna and always happy to hear another’s perspective.
I absolutely will not have sex with a woman unless there is not only commitment in a relationship, but a high level of trust, communication and emotional intimacy. I don’t do one night stands or flings and have never had a desire to. I do not like talking about sex unless I am with someone I know. Sex can lead to a STD, emotional problems, orgasms or even a baby (a college couple I know got pregnant despite using a condom and her being on the pill. His condom broke, her pill was destroyed due to a developing flu virus). Sex is a very personal and emotional issue with me. I am not a wimp or unmasculine. I love it, but I only love it with a woman who truly loves me for who I am as a man, vulnerabilities and all. It takes time. I don’t have moral or ethical issues about this, although I will say that most couples I know who hit the sack too early in a relationship never went to the altar. I feel that while some sexual attitudes from the 50’s were badly outdated and needed to be changed (especially the dumb idea that women didn’t deserve sexual pleasure themselves), I feel we have swung too far in the wrong direction. People do not realize what a private and emotionally vulnerable thing it is to be inside someone sexually or to be on the receiving end of it. Not everyone you meet does this sort of thing with you. I do believe it interferes with couples who are trying to build a relationship because it puts the cart before the horse. Sex deludes you into thinking that you are closer to the person you’re dating than you really are. In all honesty, as a counselor of mine once said it takes 12-16 months to really KNOW someone. It really takes time. Now that doesn’t mean that I will only wait 12-16 months before I have sex with a girl. But it just indicates that it really does take awhile to know someone. Everyone is so desperate these days. It’s rush, rush, rush. Maybe my testosterone isn’t flying off the Richter Scale, although I think it is healthy enough, and I do enjoy making love. I just have to trust the woman first. People also have to understand than according to RAINN, 1 in 4 women in this nation have been victims of sexual abuse or rape. For men it’s 1 in 8, but it maybe higher because men do not report these things as much. If you are a victim of such trauma, is it wise to trust sex with what amounts to a stranger? It’s just something to think about. I was sexually violated at 13 by an 18 year old babysitter. No, I wasn’t a boy learning the ropes. I was a victim. Fortunately no penetration was involved, but what happened was improper. By and large I think it’s not a good idea for most men and women to engage in sex before commitment if they are pursuing a long term commitment relationship. It’s a minefield. You just do not know the person on the other end. If you can’t keep it in your pants for a few months or whatever, I don’t know, it’s just hard for me to relate. I have gone through long periods without sex. I would rather set up the best circumstances for a LTR. And BTW women – just because a guy refuses a one night stand or sex after 3 dates doesn’t mean that he’s gay or is not physically attracted to you. I don’t like having my sexuality questioned when you do not know me. If I kiss you or say you are pretty, shouldn’t that be enough to know that I want more than to just be buddies?