“Do they think that the girl can’t see them looking at them? If the guy thinks the girl he notices is attractive why doesn’t he ask for her number or talk to her instead of staring?”
Hello Grace,
Oh yes – there are lots of guys who THINK they’re being clever and that you have no idea they are staring at them.
I’m not really sure on the number or a percentage but since I’ve probably been caught without knowing it and I’ve known guys to do it too, then I’m pretty sure we’re out there.
There’s more to this though – lots of us guys WANT to get caught.
We want you to notice.
This is our little way of saying,
“Hey You! Nice! I like what I see. Come here!”
You can insert some clever little pickup lines there if you want to because, believe it or not, minus the whistling many of us are basically do the same thing anyways.
The “catch me please” is our way of saying,
“Please approach me first. It’s just easier that way.”
We will lock eyes with you and watch you pass by and when nothing happens we either get pissed about it, sometimes a little upset, but mostly disappointed because we didn’t meet.
Granted – some guys are taken and they’re just looking.
Some guys are scared. They’ll get the urge and think this time’s different but when the moment arrives we do nothing about it. Making it even tougher the next time.
Imagine all those failed attempts added up over years and you can see why it’s get more difficult.
Some guys don’t actually even know they’re doing it. They become de-focused by focusing too much on you. The world around them blurs until they snap out of it and just move on without thinking twice about it.
Sort of like when you’re driving somewhere and just after you get to your destination you look back and think, “Wow. I don’t even remember the drive here.”
The problem with all non-interaction stuff ( or guys thinking you’re attractive but not doing anything about it ) is on both ends.
When you notice we’re staring it can be rather startling can’t it?
You’re caught off guard and you don’t know what to do.
It’s that physical reaction we see which is more often than not taken as a cold rejection before we open our mouths.
If we forget to smile – or you don’t smile back – the effect is the same.
Either we make you nervous and confused or we’re nervous and confused and so both of us quickly shrink back inside our heads to contemplate not what is happening, but what JUST happened.
The “just happened” part means it’s too late and the moment passed by.
Sad to think if we all just take the second to understand what is happening in that exact moment – we’d all meet a little more, wouldn’t we?
I see this happen just about everyday in my world and I can hear it from lots of guys too…
The typical area I find myself in ( where it’s wide open to meet people ) is the market. We ALL eat and it’s no coincidence the market can be seen as a MEAT market for men and women. 🙂
Here are some of the reactions I get from women:
One stares back but sort of looks like she’s caught in some headlight – hard to approach a girl when she looks kind of scared.
One darts her eyes away quickly and races by – hard to approach a girl who runs away. Makes us feel like our stares made her believe she’s prey.
One pretends not to notice. Looks down left, right, acts like she need to read something from a package as if the ingredients will spare her from an anxious moment – hard to approach a woman who appears to be doing anything and everything to avoid making the important after eye-contact.
One ( this one’s the worst ) keeps her eyes high as if everything she needs is always on the top shelf. These “top-shelf-starers”make it feel like to us that she thinks she’s above us and everything in the world – hard t approach a woman who is acting like she’s better than us.
The next group is what I call “the phone huggers” – Always chatting and barely ( at least noticeably ) paying attention to anything which might be going on around them – hard to approach a woman who is in the middle of a conversation, that would be rude, wouldn’t it?
Now you can imagine it doesn’t have to be in a market for any of that to happen.
Those reactions are found everywhere and are in part a big reason why guys will fall back to the “stare and hope” approach.
That’s the approach where we’re hoping THIS day’s going to be different…
That’s the rare event where BOTH OF US disregard our nervousness or self-conscious thoughts, give even a hint of inviting body language, something, anything to make the transition easier on both sides to begin some kind of rambling conversation.
Something which actually could lead to a phone number or a fun interaction because we hit it off.
All of this makes me believe this is WHY us guys WANT to get caught… we know you can see it and we’re waiting to see how you react.
Whereas way too many of us internalize or don’t see the bigger picture, often your reaction is merely just an extension of what we’re used to seeing AND a reflection of our confidence.
Meaning, I know from personal experience most of the time how you respond to it has little or nothing to do with us personally.
Just as the “man list” above…
Sometimes you’re in a relationship, married, or unavailable.
Sometimes you don’t feel attractive and can’t understand why a guy would be checking you out.
Sometimes you think it’s OUR sole responsibility to approach you and if we don’t,, then we either are not interested or attracted to you and are staring for some terrible reason.
Sometimes you get so nervous and self-conscious and this happens so much you use THAT to avoid being approached.
Maybe your experience tells you the only guys who do approach you are creepy, sleazy, players, flirting old men, or guys who don’t have a chance with you anyways, so the “phone hugging” techniques works as a “dude repellent” or the “top-shelf stares” make you invisible to us.
Sometimes – you’re having a bad day.
Perhaps just got out of long and tiring hurtful relationship.
Too many bills to think about paying which are piling up.
Tired because you didn’t sleep well.
That time of the month and it’s not been an easy one…
Whatever brought you to just not feel yourself that day ( and these days happen way too much to all of us way too much ) it is OUR fault to believe we have anything to do with anything you’ve experienced and everything you’re feeling that day.
The guys who DO take it too personal – or have no experience starting a conversation with an attractive stranger – who don’t feel very much well liked by women in general – well lots of them not only see your every reaction as if it has something to do with them…
They figure, well she can’t stop me from staring at her, she IS dressed that way, or again maybe THIS time will be different… or screw it if I get caught she wouldn’t like me anyways.
We each play our part in all this back and forth staring with no outcome, interaction, conversation, phone number, or once in a rare while the perfect ending of an instant date.
Most of the time we KNOW you can see it.
We WANT you to notice.
We WANT you to stare back and let us know the same “eye pickup” line we’re kind of saying to you,
“Hey You! Nice! I like what I see. Come here!” 😀
This is interesting because it makes me think of all the times I didn’t approach. It used to be that I was a bit shy and reserved so I kept to myself and didn’t really talk to anyone I didn’t know or didn’t make an effort to be friends. Gladly I got out of that.
Now the reasons why I stare but don’t approach vary. A few times I found myself staring at women because I thought there hair was kinda cool. One woman had an afro and it looked pretty cool and I caught myself staring a bit longer than usual. I then awkwardly said “I like your hair”, and having an afro myself she said the same thing. Another woman had purple hair. I normally don’t have much interest in people with hair that’s dyed a weird colour but hers was dyed in a way where it almost looked like her hair was naturally purple.
Other times I stare but don’t approach depend on my mood and what I’m doing. Sometimes I look but don’t approach because I’m dating and it sucks that it’s usually these times when women do approach me. Sometimes I am nervous and just think it’d be better to not approach. Other times I am just busy and these times suck too because I would approach if I wasn’t busy. It also sucks because there have been quite a few instances where I was in a rush or really needed to do something and I got very obvious signals that a woman was interested. Ex: smiling and staring at me as she walks by and sits at a table not too far away or staring and turning her head as she walks by (note that eye contact was given in both of these instances). Thing is I didn’t approach because I was doing stuff. But if they approached and started a conversation I probably would have talked to them for about 5-10 min while doing whatever it is I was doing and gotten their phone number. Later on I would have called them and set up a coffee date or something to get to know them better. Though I do agree with this article and whether it ends up in a relationship or not I do think it’s worth a chance to approach someone who is staring.
Very good article.
What would be the case if you are having a conversation with a guy and he makes eye contact and then looks you up and down and makes eye contact again? What does this mean? He didn’t smile back at me – just had a neutral expression on his face the whole time.
I was too embarrassed to ask him and left after he checked me out in an obvious way.
I have seen guys check me out but not in such an obvious way and when we are in conversation. We aren’t friends and I don’t see him too often.
Thanks in advance,
April
Thank you April.
People just react or “do”. We feel something and don’t give ourselves a clear second to think about what we’re doing.
That’s the typical explanation.
However, for some guys – what we’re doing is making a bold statement. We’re telling you we like what we see and we want you to know it.
Sometimes we also believe it will turn you on. Either that or we eventually convince ourselves checking you out up and down so obviously is a compliment.
I guess it “sort of” is in a way. 🙂 We wouldn’t do it to a woman we didn’t find beautiful.
Lastly I’ve been shown a woman peripheral vision is different from a mans. Women tend to see more “up and down” and men see more “side to side”.
So… to see the whole picture our eyes need to scan up and down helping us not to just check you out entirely, but to take in your body language unconsciously. Like a social cue.
Nope it’s not always a sexual thing but I’d say, depending on the guy, that’s something easy to see.
In your case, if he’s NOT some overly arrogant man, or acts like “Hey baby… how YOU doing?” it could easily be more of a unconscious social cue.
My question to you is: Why did it make you feel embarrassed? OR Why did you want to ask him if he was checking you out?
You’re welcome,
Pete
Thank you for your reply.
I had met him in a business context so it was rather awkward when he looked me up and down. I was tempted to ask him if he saw something wrong with me or my outfit (I was dressed conservatively) because he didn’t smile but looked me over in an obvious way that I felt uncomfortable and a little embaressed. I know guys check out girls all the time but it was obvious enough that I thought he was eluding to something else. I think he’s in his mid to late 20’s and we were having a serious conversation.
You’re welcome April.
Now there IS a chance he was sizing you up in a business sense. No different than he would to a guy in determining their business worth or asset to a company. Hard for me to tell.
there is another kind of look that I noticed recently and I’m not sure what to think.
the two kinds that you mentioned in your article are:
– checking you out
– prolonged, at times creepy, stare
my crush is just… I don’t know, sizing me up. it looks as though he is checking how I interact with others, my friends, if I am nice and friendly, how I behave in professional interactions, etc.
it’s a bit odd to me. we were just attracted, physically, to each other, and I sometimes think that he is bringing the attraction to a different level with those stares.
not sure, but it seems to me that he is checking whether I would be a good girlfriend, he’s checking compatibility or something alike. do you think my interpretation is spot on?
He could be checking out for compatibility. Some men do that because how you interact with others says so much about you. In fact it’s something I recommend all women do with guys. Not creepily, just put him in those situations naturally and notice he acts. You can learn a lot about an person that way.
Something tells me though, that this guy is more concerned with who else you might be attracted to. Perhaps sizing up his competition. Wondering if you’re easy or not to make himself feel better. Letting you know tha he’s clearly attracted to you.