Hi Pete!
Glad I ran accross your blog. Sounds like you fall somewhere in the middle. I was concerned men only went for bodies. I do believe I am an attractive woman but I don’t have a barbie doll figure. So then my question is: Do men ever date girls they are not attracted to or interested in more than once? I went on 3 dates with a guy I really liked. He was very flirty, affectionate, and kept saying how much he was attracted to me and how much fun he was having with me on all 3 dates. In the middle of the first date he asked me for a second date. The 3rd date we played it by ear because he had to work. It has been 2 weeks and he hasn’t asked me for a 4th date. We don’t talk or text everday. We have texted a few small texts every few days and just says he is working a lot (no I’m not text harrassing him or “trying” to determine if he likes me through texts or begging for a commitment to another date. Just stating have a good day and how are you?). I took this as he wasn’t attracted or interested in me and I should move on. My friends say a guy wouldn’t date and be affectionate with a girl if he wasn’t interested in or attracted to. Is that true? Was he attracted and interested in me or Is he blowing me off in a nice way? BTW…We only kissed.
Hi So…
I do like the middle occasionally. 😉
I would have to say your friends are mostly right. Men rarely if ever go on a few dates with women they’re not in some way, attracted to or interested in. And for that case, kiss her too.
It’s apparent something was or is there.
Unfortunately it’s literally impossible for me to gather more about your situation. I’m sure you know why.
However… That never stops me from trying. That never stops me from reading deep into your words and throwing back my personal insights in guys (and gals.)
So let me share with you a warning about men. This isn’t a hard-coded rule, just some insight from a guy.
Be warned about guys who constantly mention how attracted they are to you. It could be an attempt for a hopeful “quick lay” if you know what I mean.
A man who needs to vocalize his enjoyment in what’s happening and on top of that externalizes his attraction towards you, (or how attractive he thinks you are,) is either using tactics of seduction (terribly I might add) or whose esteem is dependent on your reaction to his affectionate statements.
Either way it’s probably not a good thing.
– He mentions how much fun you are and is calling out his attraction towards you making it clear he wants a second or a third date.
What you have is a guy telling you he wants to see you again, “I promise I’ll call you in the morning.” What you have is a guy saying he is enjoying himself a lot, “You are turning me on… please sleep with me because I find you attractive.”
And then – when it doesn’t come he assumes, “Well either I have to wait forever for (it) so why bother OR I’d better put her in the maybe pile while I’m busy with other women.”
This is mainly based on my own personal experience and relationships with women. It is also based on observations which go well beyond just watching.
I’ve found the better men, to give them a name, rarely ever feel the need to vocalize chemistry. They feel it destroys its natural effect.
Now I’m not saying you have found a fool here. I’m merely saying you need to come up with ways to determine the real man behind the words. That way you’ll never question his motive, charm, or genuine interest in you again. You’ll just know.
First your texts – avoid at all costs asking questions like how he is doing and how you wished he was doing good. You’ve already found out they don’t work.
Instead, relate something commonly private you both shared and leave it there. You can even declare your hatred to him in a funny way.
Here is a little trick I came up with to help get a man reveal himself to you Reveal How He Feels With Two Quick Text Messages (It’s posted up at The Approach.)
Secondly – assume the men you really like are dating other woman. I know it sounds counter intuitive but it has purpose. Think of it as the freedom to date other guys.
I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again – “If I’m dating a woman who is absolutely incredible – then I find no reason to believe she’s not just as good at getting other men to date her.”
Understand if a guy is really worth your time, then he’s probably worth another girl’s time too. I know it sounds awful in words but I have no control over that. Think of it as a clever way of showing yourself how valuable you really are.
For example – I once spent time with a woman who wasn’t too kind to herself. All I could think of (when she put herself down) was in a strange way she was telling me I’ve made a terrible choice. How “she” was the only woman I could get. How bad I am at determining a true heart – because I chose to spend my time with her.
See how that works in all its weirdness.
To get back to my seconds – the real genuine guys will be sought out by other woman too. He has options. Make sure you have options too beyond him because you do. Because you’re also that good. 
Because lots of men are interested in women who may not have a barbie doll figure.
Real men want real woman and not some plastic version of her.
When you explore all your options, trust me you’ll have very little time wondering why one guy hasn’t texted you back, or whether he is interested in you or not, or even if he was just hoping for a quick lay.
Lastly… as If I’m even capable of not saying too much (haha!)
Men don’t generally over think their time with women. I say generally because I do run into men who do it, but usually they’re always “the friend” if you know what I mean.
What this means is – No contact does not equal or guarantee there’s no attraction.
Stay away from how much attention you’re getting from a guy as the determining factor as to how interested he is.
I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t guilty of it myself. Long ago, before my manly ways came to light, I too would consider how much attention a girl was giving me as how much she liked me. And it only drove me crazy.
It never occurred to me she was only living her life and I wasn’t the center of her world. I soon found out that was a GOOD thing because if her life did revolve around me – well then all the more chance I met a woman who was what is known as a “clinger” or a very needy person.
The ones whose lifestyle remained true to themselves began to prove to me – THOSE were the ones I had the best time with.
What this means to you is…
You’re more likely to enjoy a relationship, courtship, or whatever with a guy who is not so easily “catchable.” If he were to do the complete opposite you would probably run fast hoping he has the strength or brains enough to give you some much needed space.
To me – it’s only natural to give a little attention while we’re together and then we’re not, only hint you’re occasionally on my mind.
Okay now… regardless of the man – this is what I believe:
- No. I would never date a woman multiple times if I wasn’t attracted to her.
- Yes. I could grow less attracted to her based on things beyond her looks and therefore would limit my interactions if I was unsure.
- If I was completely positive it wasn’t going to work – I would let her know honestly and quickly AND I would never agree to another date.
- I could easily go several weeks not texting her back if I was busy enough with life, work, and yes… dating other women. Regardless of my feelings towards her. (Barring a long-term commitment of course.)
- Yes. If I did enjoy my time with her I’d be more likely to get a second meeting while on the first one.
I‘m also glad you ran across my little space on the web.
I do hope I’ve cleared up your situation a little and not confused it even more.
My personal advice at this point – is to give a reasonable amount of time to answer you back or to contact you. Beyond that, there is a point where you just have to assume – he has his reasons and most of the time, they rarely ever are personal.
Thanks for your great questions… All the best to you Miss “So Confused”
9 comments… add one
Thanks Pete for your response! I last heard from him over a week ago. He said he was working everyday, wanted to see me that night but had something come up and how about another night. I responded with an “Of course! Let me know when you have some free time. :-)” That was over a week ago. I haven’t texted him and he hasn’t texted me. Let me say, I usually don’t date more than 1 guy at a time but I’m definitely not the type of girl who chases a guy or sits around waiting for one to ask me out. I make my plans and enjoy my life with or without a guy. With that said, the same day as the last texts, another guy asked me out. I have since gone on 4 dates with the new guy so far, went on 2 dates with another guy, and have been talking to a few others. I didn’t realize how much fun and exhausting it was to date more than 1 guy. You were right! I have been so busy I haven’t even had time to think about why the other guy hasn’t responded to me. Likewise, I haven’t been tempted to text him. You were also right that if he had been overly attentive I would go running thinking “Clinger” or something must be wrong with him.
I still don’t know what happened with this guy but you have helped me realize it isn’t worth overthinking because in the end it doesn’t even matter. Thank You again because, most importantly, you helped me regain my confidence back. I was beginning to think that guys asking me out to try and sleep with me meant I wasn’t attractive they just thought I would be an easy lay. I know now it isn’t true and I really don’t want a guy who doesn’t want to sleep with me but one who is willing to put in the time and effort for me. I am a very sexy attractive woman. Even though I don’t look like Barbie, I do have very nice legs and curves I must say!
So I maybe jumped the gun a bit. The day I wrote the above comment I was getting ready to delete his number then out of nowhere I got a text. It said “Sorry I didn’t mean to ingore you.” We exchanged a few flirty fun texts as you suggested and ended up on another great date where he came and met my family. I told him I had plans already but he could join us if he liked and he did. It was very comfortable like there really hadn’t been anytime apart between us. He said we need to see each other more often. I kissed him, gave him a sly smile and said maybe. It’s only been 2 days but I haven’t heard from him and I haven’t texted him. I definitely felt he was attracted to me but I think I am in his “Maybe” pile and I should put him in my “Maybe” pile while I continue to explore my other options. What do you think?
You know, sometimes I’m disappointed I only get to see words over here Miss very nice legs and curves. Haha!
You have to understand that men, just like women, feel like they are making better choices, or they’re worthy of having choices – before they make decisions.
Imagine shopping for only one new outfit. You go to one store and you can’t afford a thing. Depressing! The next store you could only afford one item. I mean you liked it but you couldn’t decide because you wanted options first.
Then you find a store where ten great outfits jump at you. I mean you like them so much you avoid the price tags because you want to enjoy them first.
Well eventually you’re going to see the price. Nervously you glance at it. Maybe you’re hoping it will be lower if you don’t stare at it.
And as you go through each one you realize, “Wow I can have any of these. Maybe more if I do a little creative accounting.”
Now sure. You can head back to the store where you could only afford the one but really, is it worth it. Here you have multiple choices and you want to make sure you make the choice which is going to make you feel the most confident in.
Strange analogy. I know. But which store would you choose? The second or third for more business?
Your answer means a lot and it means a lot to men also.
It’s odd to say but men feel better about choosing you when they have more choices. They’re more confident in themselves.
With regards to waiting to text you (I know finally Haha!) I say you WANT a guy who shops at the third store while he’s securing his confidence in choose that one perfect outfit at store two. (And sometimes that’s you.)
Does that make sense? I’m wondering myself.
Seriously – I wouldn’t push or worry about any more timetables. You see how confusing it all becomes. 😀
You’re missing out! Haha! 😉
You make perfect sense. I just dreamt last night about this same type of analogy but about jeans. A guy is trying to find the perfect outfit that fits him best. It is amazing though how different men and women think.
Just a little insight on what goes through a woman’s mind. A woman would be thinking not that he is trying to find his best fit but that he wants all the girls or that everyone else turned him down so now he decided to come to the only one who will give him the time of day. We would be thinking, “Am I his 2nd, 3rd, 4th choice or cancelation prize. I want to be his first choice and not the afterthought.” I know this is all insecure thinking but we have all seen that guy who goes around asking each girl in the place out until the one who finally says yes because no one else has asked her. No girl wants to be that last girl. Every girl wants to be the first choice. Yes, we woman notice the guy making the rounds, testing the waters with every woman in the place. Most of us avoid this guy and think “creeper.”
BUT…you’re absolutely right!! When we go looking for that perfect outfit, we shop and shop and shop and shop. We buy several outfits, take them home and try them on for size. We take pictures in them with the perfect shoes and jewelry. We show them to our friends and see what compliments us best. Then when we finally decide on our favorite and send the rest back to the store. Sometimes, we send them all back and get a whole new set of outfits. We rarely find that one outfit that is perfect the first time unless we happen to be lucky.
Finding the perfect guy should be the same! After all, if it is the last outfit you’re ever going to buy, you want to make sure you absolutley love it!!!
I love your analogies!!!!
I’m liking the “every girl wants to be the first choice” and I will be sharing your insightful paragraph with my guys.
Yet… remind me to never go shopping for clothes or shoes with you. Sounds like a lot of work. Haha! I’ll just wait for the modeling pictures.
Back and confused again. I have been dating this same guy above for 4 months now. We still don’t talk much in between our dates but all our dates have been great. He is very affectionate, caring and never gives me any doubt that he is interested in me on our dates. Our last date was the best one. He came and met my family for a second time. He was caring and affectionate in front of them and was able to be comfortable, social, and fit in nicely. It appeared we were getting closer and things seemed like they were moving forward. All of a sudden after this date he pulled back and I hadn’t heard from him. We had been intimate twice before the last date. A week later we ran into each other by chance and he seemed a little uncomfortable. He gave me the dreaded “I’m not ready for a relationship.” line. He said he only wanted to “date” and didn’t think that a relationship appealed to him. I told him I was ok with us continuing to just date and at any point if he wanted things to move forward or stop dating he just needed to let me know. He said he didn’t know where he was at or what he wanted. He says he isn’t ready to tell me he didn’t want to date me anymore because he knows he is going to want to. However, he is being very distant and hasn’t asked for another date. I haven’t contacted him since and I haven’t heard from him. What gives? Was he blowing me off but too scared to tell me he didn’t want to see me anymore? I have never been an emotional or dramatic chick so he should have no reason to be scared. Do I cut my losses and move on even if he does ask for another date?
Keep ’em coming Confused.
I’m going to say the introduction of the family scared the hell out of him. Made him question how fast things were moving. Made him feel like, when family gets involved it’s getting serious.
It’s not unusual for lots of men to tie family life to relationships just the same as they’ll tie friends to dating.
All things considered, lots of time has passed, you’ve been intimate, you start getting closer and closer, and then “other” family members are let in on things – I don’t know too many men who wouldn’t at least feel pressured thinking you’re going to give him the talk soon.
You know the, “Where’s this relationship going?” thing or worse, “Why don’t we agree not to see anyone else.”
At this point you must not do anything drastic. You shouldn’t have a problem with that. Keep your cool. Be supportive. You don’t have to be vocal about it. When you’re there for a guy he gets the picture.
Remember men don’t get scared because (she’s) acting a certain way so to speak, they get scared because they have personal issues. You can be the coolest “chic” in the world but never forget everyone’s fears are internal to their reality.
I doubt he doesn’t want to see you anymore. But I do believe he’s questioning how far things are moving along. All the signs are pointing to a relationship which he is not convinced he’s ready for. So I would expect him to act dodgy.
And even if he does decide to call it quits – it again, is his issue.
MY suggestion – if he pulls backs stay away just as far as he does. Think back to how you two got together and make sure “that” is how you act. Don’t go doing things “differently” because you feel you’re losing him.
And please, come back soon 😀
Best of luck to you Miss Again,
Pete
So I’m sort of in a similar situation here. I met this guy on an online dating app, and he’s the only guy I’ve agreed to go out with from that app. He is about 9 years older than me (he’s in his mid 30’s). We went out on our first date and it was great! we were literally out for about 7 hours until the bars were closing and we had to leave. He asked me a few times if I would want to see him again, and I said yes, so we set up to meet again the next week. Once again, it went really well. He even talked about certain things we can do next time, like for me to pay the bill because he won’t let me pay my half because I just started a new job, and he says I can buy him dinner once I get my paycheck. We share the same passion and we can speak about almost anything. We don’t really text each other between dates, even when we do, it’s very short messages. It’s been 2 weeks since our 2nd date, and I’m unsure if I should ask him out or wait to see if he does. I don’t want to ask him out if he’s not interested in me. I’m usually quite good at reading when a guy is into me, but I’ve only dated men around my age, so I’m not sure how older men date. Oh and another thing that happened is that we got intimate on both dates, although I wasnt planning to, and it’s something I’ve never done before. I NEVER sleep with guys on the first date. But I feel connected and comfortable. I wonder if sleeping with him so fast also could have ruined the chances of us getting to know each other more? I do like him, not enough to want to jump into a relationship with him, but enough to want to see him and get to know him more. Help?
First, dating a guy nine years older is not really different at your. I wouldn’t even concern yourself with it.
A big second though, yes… you got intimate, of course I’m assuming you slept with him, much too quickly. You have most likely become a booty call for him.
Now it’s not the end of the world but I’d make sure the next date doesn’t go that far. You don’t have to be rude about it. You don’t even have to mention. Just make sure the date doesn’t allow it to happen AND keep it shorter. You have things to do in the morning or something.
You need to make sure he gets that you’re not some booty call he met on a dating app.
If he really wants to get to know you better, then he must make it happen without the sex for a while. I mean you can have a little fun but nothing more. 😉
Best of luck to you and hoping he wants more,
Pete