…Hello, I met a guy about two months ago and I liked him since the first day but im too shy to talk to him and so is him so about two weeks ago he finally asked me out. We did we had so much fun, we held hands and kissed so than our second date he said he wanted us to be a couple and I said yes. The way he is, the way he talks, the way he smells, and the way he kisses me invites me to get in bed with him but the is something that stops me and I run away. He says he wants to move in with me and be together forever but we go out then after that he doesnt even text me, I tried texting him once and never replied so I left it like that cause I dont want to appear desperate. He calls me once in a while and tells me that this krazy girl on facebook keeps stalking him and laughts about it and that he has girls at his workplace that are afterhim but im the only one for him. Also I went to visit him to his work once in a while but stopped after he said he had several girl with crushes on him because I feel like he only wants to show me off with his friends and his crushes. Im just not sure he is committed to a serious relationship becuse I think about him 24/7 and want to know about him even though I restrain myself yet he doesnt even say hello.
Hello Mariana,
There’s no reason for me to hold back.
Sounds like you have met a real genuine player… Two dates and he says he wants to be a couple? Not good. Next he’s telling you he wants to move in with you and be together forever… also not good. Too much and too quick and too heavy are almost always “bad” signs.
Then he is talking about his own personal stalker and how every girl at work wants him? Even worse.
If it feels like he only wants to show you off – then you’re probably right.
Guys who like to show off the girl they “got” to their family or even close friends is one thing. In fact I would expect it a little. But a guy who likes to show you off to other girls and friends at work – is probably using that to either get with those women too, or is using them to get you quicker.
By now I hope you’re wondering how I came up with that so let’s get right to it.
There are two “games” us guys can use with women.
1.-The right one – plays on her strengths. Like a heated battle using our strongest courtship roles as the basis for it. Wit. Charm. Flirty/ And the list goes on….
For some it may seem like a battle for higher status. Usually when the woman feels like she won him over AND gains a substantial status over the guy, the battle is lost on his end.
Obviously it’s more complicated by let’s try to keep this simple.
2. The “bad” game. Classic player moves. This plays on her weakness. They key “moves” are generally used to have a woman acting outside of her stronger role and has her doing things against her intuition and they are ALWAYS by his rules.
Even if he manages to trick a woman into believing the opposite. That’s how it works. That’s how it so hard to tell sometimes. It’s called deceitful tactics for a reason and they will NOT work unless you’re fooled…. right?
You’re shy. You’re afraid of appearing desperate. You’re not sure his intentions are serious.
This means you have anxiety, fear, and find it difficult to trust someone could be that into you.
If I wanted to play you those are three things I would play into. I would get an early commitment to gain your trust. I would keep you in a constant state of fear by acting distant after that trust is gained. Not returning texts or saying Hello when it’s appropriate.
The purpose would be to keep you confused – Should I trust him or not? Your heart says one thing, your mind tries to rationalize it all out, and instead of “thinking” and then “feeling” and then “acting” you find yourself constantly going from “feeling” back to “thinking” and the process continues until HE acts at the place you were supposed to act.
Don’t get me wrong, that last statement happens to a lot of women by when it’s completely controlled by a guy is when I consider it a player move.
Your shyness, or your anxiety can be used against you in clever attempts to talk about other woman and will have you put yourself in situations where it is completely tested. Like when you showed up at his work. I can’t imagine how hard that was to do for you but I can hear the terror in your voice.
I understand you were trying to do something real nice and any guy with genuine intentions would absolutely love it.
I can even understand how strongly you’re feeling it for him. How hard it can be to objectify your situation.
I can understand how all this may seem like a judgement against you but I assure you it’s not.
But I also sometimes believe the cold hard truth, when taken for what it is and with the fact MY intentions are only to show you what you might be too deep in to see for yourself, can snap you out of it quicker and allow you to grow stronger.
That’s my game. š
You can try to break it all down yourself. Analyze him. Scrutinize him. You can battle with yourself to try and talk your next move one way or another but I have a different, and definitely pissy attitude towards men who play women.
Obviously I take it personal and the roots of my anger are from years of believing love should be fair when I know that’s not how it works. I get upset because I think back to all the women who found guys like this more attractive than me and so played along with that belief.
Yet, through all of it I managed a clever way for women to see past it all…
The right man, with real intentions and a natural curiosity, and all the good stuff which goes along with it, may not always get it right BUT he will ALWAYS have you feeling better about yourself when you’re with him. (Generally speaking of course because once a relationship is started there will always be down times.)
Not every second of every minute of every hour of every day – but enough to boost your strength. That’s because he seeing those strengths and seeing the good in you, not all women believe they have.
The wrong man, with quick intentions, maybe never that upfront unless it helps him get what he wants… Well he’ll make you feel weaker. Everything he does seems a little too perfect (for him) like it’s rehearsed, practiced, and sold.
He’ll tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better but his actions only seem to make you weaker and not stronger like the right man should.
That’s the difference.
And this is how you can spot a player a mile away.
He’s full of extremes. Totally into you and then completely void of contact. He has lots of women chasing him but you’re the only one he wants. They like to show off the greatest achievements but not for you, for them.
They say the want a commitment but are incapable of it. Like something from their past scared them. They may even have you feeling sorry for them.
They constantly compare you to other woman without you asking. These comparisons make you bad about yourself like you’re not good enough and he’s always right there to console you and tell you he only care about you.
They push a little too hard for intimacy up to and including sex. They’re moving faster than you want. It makes you nervous and sometimes you’ll run away even though you might not be able to explain why.
I do hope the signs I’ve given you today will at least have you questioning his involvement with you AND as always you’re more than welcome to question my opinion from every angle.
I also want you to understand your anxiety, your fears, and your shyness does NOT mean you ever have to settle . They are more common than you might believe and women everywhere have managed through them.
I’m no different and I’ve found they’re only considered weaknesses when someone else tries to exploit them. And if you can spot those signs, or question some guy’s motives more – they can be amazingly strong and intuitive tools to help you find the one “right” guy who does everything he did, but loves to “play” and have fun with your strengths.
Thanks for writing Mariana and of course the best of luck to you.
( Original comment is located here: http://www.whydoguys.com/what-mean-my-boyfriend-tells-other-girls-who-want-him/comment-page-1/#comment-617)
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