If a man takes you out on numerous dates to dinner and such, then spends hours and hours into the early morning just kissing you intimately would this mean he likes you? I thought so, but then he just disappeared so that’s where the confusion lies when it seems so obvious that he’s into you and for some reason they disappear and it leaves you dumbfounded and confused.
– comment left from Sienna
Absolutely Sienna I understand completely how you can feel confused so we must define things like, love, interest, attraction, a willingness to commit, capable of commitment, ready to commit, and which stage of the relationship the guy is in with you to alleviate some of what you are be feeling.
When a guy says these things or acts like this (generally) and IF you’re dating a guy and have been intimate anywhere from holding hands to kissing to more:
LIKE means I enjoy being with you.
This casual relationship is working for me BUT I’m just not sure (yet) there’s anything more.
Like give us guys the freedom (so we believe) to not call too often or even disappear randomly. We’re not yet committed to being a couple but we’re not willing to give it up entirely.
Like is actually cool because it has a clearer definition and you’ll know where you’re at with a guy even if he maintains his distance.
LOVE is far more complicated.
It doesn’t even imply “like”.
I’m not sure if you can trust it fully when a guy says it with ONE CLEAR EXCEPTION –> ACTION!
You see love is defined differently for everybody. They also find it hard to put into words what it means. It’s also not-so delicately confused by “love of family” , “love of friends” ,and “love of your wife or partner”.
We must admit the love we feel for a parent (for example) is different from the love we feel for someone we’re having sex with and is made even more complicated through what is known as the “Oedipus Complex”.
The term Oedipus complex (or, less commonly, Oedipal complex) explains the emotions and ideas that the mind keeps in the unconscious, via dynamic repression, that concentrates upon a child’s desire to have sexual relations with the parent of the opposite sex (i.e. males attracted to their mothers, and females attracted to their fathers.
Psychology aside…
Love and real action in any direction from a guy is a sure sign it exists.
Notice how I didn’t say which direction because it doesn’t matter. Some men will pull away more from women they love for lots of proven reasons.
INTEREST can imply like and if or when a guy says he is “interested” in you it almost always means he is attracted to you.
Unfortunately, his interest doesn’t ever guarantee he’ll move forward or follow through with it. Many other factors will determine the outcome.
We can be interested in you, like you, feel physically attracted to you without motioning towards a real committed relationship.
Interest combined with like and attraction means we are still deciding and the RULES of LIKE APPLY:
–> “Like give us guys the freedom (so we believe) to not call too often or even disappear randomly. We’re not yet committed to being a couple but we’re not willing to give it up entirely.”
As Christian put it here:
Stage #1: Courtship
Stage #2: The Uncommitted Relationship
Stage #3: The Committed Relationship
Which means we are in the courting stage of the relationship. This isn’t always first for ALL men but it’s a safe assumption.
ATTRACTION is something we have no control over. It just happens.
It never implies anything and only guarantees a very probable sexual arousal. Nothing more.
It does not need to be acted on nor does it ever have to be treated the right way. How some of us respond to our feelings of attraction typically tells us what kind of person we are.
A WILLINGNESS to COMMIT simply means we want a relationship. It doesn’t always guarantee love or even lots of attraction.
Sometimes it’s no more than just someone who doesn’t like to be alone.
Other times it’s a positive thing when it comes from a guy who is actively searching for a long-term commitment.
If a guy is disappearing a lot or contacts you sporadically means he’s not willing to commit just yet and is directly showing you with a lack of action in the right direction.
A man who is CAPABLE of COMMITMENT only reflects his maturity.
If he’s dodging out on you and appears capable or mature in his life, this is a clear sign he’s still in stage 1 (possibly 2) of the relationship.
Still courting or uncommitted which also means we have not convinced ourselves that you’re the one for us. Therefore we WILL be off and on with you while exploring our options and weighing our freedom versus intimacy versus other things.
Just because you meet or interact intimately with a guy who does all this:
- He likes you.
- He’s attracted to you.
- He’s interested in you.
- He enjoys being intimate with you.
- He appears willing to commit.
- He is capable of commitment and is mature in most of his life.
- He shows little signs of LOVE according to HIS definition of the word.
- On the other side, show SIGNS of LOVE according to YOUR definition of the word and how it applies in your life…
Almost always means he’s still in the courting stage and with an added touch of the advancing relationship – Stage Two… The uncommitted relationship.
Expect some pull back.
Expect some “his” time.
Expect the disappearing act.
It’s in those spaces or time apart where we not only decide our fate but contemplate our next action OR pull away entirely OR step up to the third stage of the relationship which is a definite act of commitment.
With all that said… (You know, sooner or later I’m going to learn this new thing called “being succinct”. I swear. One day I’ll get it. 🙂 )
Men have their reasons for declining a woman and might disappear completely leaving you totally confused.
Depending on the guy he will then (all of a sudden) come back into your life.
His time away spent either deciding, exploring, dating others, burying himself in something else, getting caught up with other things, etc…
That time apart is good.
We NEED it.
Some guys will disappear and decline themselves from being with you anymore. This is normally a big sign he’s not mature or capable of a commitment. This type of disappearance is also more likely to happen with no words at all.
Another sign of immaturity.
- He doesn’t tell you because he’s afraid of confrontation and doesn’t want to experience “the talk”.
- He absolutely fears rejecting a woman he was intimate with and feels guilty about what might have been said or done during those moments.
- He’s showing he was either not truthful or misinterpreted his own feelings OR felt like things were moving too fast and doesn’t know how (or wants) to admit he was wrong to a woman he was clearly close with….
Point is – yes it’s finally coming… I think 😉
Like, love, interest, attraction, a willingness to commit, capable of commitment, being ready to commit, (to men) is always just WHAT IT IS when it’s taken in the context it appears in.
Meaning for us guys it’s normally compartmentalized in the moment.
It’s those moments between where we decide fully.
Taking these things out of context totally confuses everything as you have already seen.
What REALLY MATTERS to explain it all is:
Knowing which stage of the relationship a guy is in with you and knowing how to act or how to react or how to build through them.
If you knew that or at least decided which one (whether he makes it clear or not) he was in then your confusion might go away.
What this guy did with you, sure is a sign to YOU he’s all those things and is acting like he’s in a relationship with you or is ready to be in one but to a guy it’s not always the case.
Until we ACT FURTHER it means we:
- We liked you enough to take you out.
- We were interested enough to do it again and again. We enjoyed spending time with you more frequently.
- We spent hours with you because you made us feel comfortable. We enjoyed being close to you in ways we can’t do with our family and friends.
- The morning kisses felt good. We were sharing something special with you. We might like to do it again. 😉
Notice how none of those things ( at least from my male perspective ) said that without a doubt that we were in stage 3 and although it may feel wrong to you, like I’m excusing a guy for disappearing on you even though I’m not… in context of the act it still only means stage one (the courtship) or possibly stage 2 (the uncommitted relationship).
In your case it’s likely to be stage 2.
Which unfortunately gives some guys what they believe is a freedom of choice to just “blow you off” on a whim with no explanation whatsoever.
BUT it also means he may need time to decide WHAT to do next.
Once again, this “time” away is absolutely necessary and an important piece of getting to stage 3 – the committed relationship.
Now…. because I HEAR YOU 🙂
For guys… The ones who just “get up and go without” explanation – either they decided against it, got cold feet, needed time away to let things settle in, or you pushed or prodded or nudged him the wrong way OR he’s just a prick OR he fears communication, or he even felt like an explanation wasn’t needed.
Your guy friend,
Pete
