Is He Confusing You? Leave Your Questions About Men Here And Get An Answer From A Real Guy

576 comments… add one

• Jackie

  Hi,

  I am so confused by this guy I really like despite myself. I want to start by saying I am a professional with a high powered career, I am a guys girl I.e. most do my friends are guys and I get hit on a lot, and I also just recently got divorced. I only say those things because I think I can read guys well and I’m not desperate, but I’m not sure this time if I’m being played or not. I met a guy through a friend at a bar about 8 months ago. It was 3 weeks after I kicked my husband out of the house so I didn’t talk to the guy much at all. I had heard that he was a guy who made a lot of money, traveled the world, dated beautiful women and was in the midst of breaking up with his current beautiful “crazy” girlfriend. About 3-4 months after this meeting I found out he wanted to date me. Out mutual friend was reticent to set us up because of his reputation as a player. Also because he’s always out of town and a classic bachelor/commitment phobe. Finally about two months ago he finally insisted that we go out and a date was set. We had a great time and were both super attracted to one another. After the date he texted me the next day and we proceeded to text back and forth either every day or every other day for the next month. The texting became more and more natural and less guarded and he seemed to want to stay in touch. However, we had two different dates planned in this time period which he did not keep. First of all, he was out if town every single weekend from Thursday to Sunday and I am busy during the week like most working people are. For the first second date he was busy until 9 and said he would call me. Which he did, but then say he was really tired and not on his “a” game and wanted to reschedule. So the next week we were supposed to go out but it was all planned that day and we didn’t have set plans. When I touched base w him at 8 like I said I would, he said he was “passing the time” having dinner and would call me later. He texted at 10:15!!! I didn’t respond. The following week more of the same thing. He was impossible to pin down for a time and place to meet up and when I pushed him on it he was evasive. I finally got frustrated and basically told him it was too bad he couldn’t get his shit together and that we wouldn’t work out. I haven’t heard from him since. About a week later I sent him a “how are you” text. No response. Problem is now I feel terrible and wish things could have been different or that maybe I should have tried talking to him about it. I felt like he was genuinely into me. There’s no question we were both into it physically. We were very flirty. But I thought he might be interested in something real as was I and I’m mourning the loss of that. Anything I can do at this point? Did I do the right thing? He obviously wasn’t prioritizing me and at the start of a relationship that is a bad thing. I guess it’s one of those “set him free” scenarios and there’s not much I can do about it. Thanks

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi Jackie,

    My best guess is that when a guy like this says, “really tired and not on his “a” game and wanted to reschedule” it means he was most likely with another woman at the time.

    Chances are Jackie, and I’m definitely not entirely positive on all this BUT it does sound like he got the idea from you that you were interested in more than just dating. That you were looking for a relationship and since he isn’t or is seeing his ex or other women decided to keep his distance just in case.

    We do teach guys that if you’re not interested or ready for a relationship with a woman it’s best to not see her often. Of course we don’t tell them to string you along or make dates and then blow you off… but I can’t help how some men do this.

    Now… he was impossible to pin down – kind of makes you want him more, doesn’t it? That’s okay and all but you quickly noticed how when you pushed it with him he got very evasive. This tells me he was more than likely thinking you were looking for something more than he wanted to give and/or he’s seeing other women and doesn’t like to talk about it.

    A man like this easily senses a little insecurity or impatience from you and based on your frustration with him and how you handled it only proved it to him. Like when you followed it with a somewhat ultimatum, “it was too bad he couldn’t get his shit together and that we wouldn’t work out.”

    Okay now I believe NO. Definitely not. A man should NOT prioritize you in the beginning. What you both started was not a relationship. It was casually dating that moved a little quick for him. You may have jumped too far ahead and he sensed it from the very beginning.

    Also no you should not have “talked” to him about it so I wouldn’t feel bad about that. Talking about how you felt he was blowing you off and not there for you only again tells him you’re already in relationship mode when he clearly is not.

    Guys like this need more than just a physical connection to commit.

    I wish I could explain it all to you but entire books have been written on how to get guys like this and what you should do every step of the way to make him realize that YOU are the one he’s willing to give up his “other” girlfriends for but I can’t in this space.

    I’m just hoping you understand a few things which may have been going on inside his mind and how you could do things differently next time.

    And also how some men have to realize certain things on their own and nothing you do will push him in the right direction. In fact, what feels right actually pushes them in the other direction.

    Take it from a guy 99.999% of women would find it impossible for me to commit to just them.

    You’re a smart woman so don’t think yourself into over analyzing this one guy. I understand and realize how many men will gladly step in an instant relationship with you BUT I also understand you don’t want a guy like that… do you?

    I do hope I’ve in the very least, helped you clear up some of this confusion and convince you on this fact about men: You don’t SET a man like this free and hope he keeps coming back or realizes what he’s missing… Do the opposite, offer absolute freedom, almost like you couldn’t care less what he does outside – as long as when you’re together it’s ALL about the both of you.

    You do the opposite of what so many other women do. You don’t try to catch him or make him settle down – you make him chase you in a good way because you’re the opposite of every other woman he’s ever met AND that becomes something he might not do but he’ll probably regret not doing it one day when he realizes he’s 65, alone, and wondering what happened to this incredible woman named Jackie he met years ago.

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Jenesepas

  Five months ago I met a good guy, we went on a couple dates. He stopped asking me out one day even though he kept texting me. We would see each other on campus from time to time and there were no hard feelings. It was just fine. I hadn’t seen him in like 5 months, until 3 weeks ago that I’ve been running into him a lot. Seeing him more often makes me kind of think about him more. He keeps being friendly and happy when he sees me. I wonder if he is still interested, or whether he may ask me out again. What do you think? Can a man that once was interested , regain interest? Do I need to help him realize that? if so, how? or I should just forget about him?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Jenesepas,

    Unless there was some serious issues he couldn’t get past – with him or you – men have been known to come around even further the second time around.

    Sometimes it’s even recommend break away for a while because normally, if there’s a real connection, the guy suddenly notices he’s comparing all futures dates with you. When that happens they tend to come back to see if the spark is still lit.

    I can not say for certain that will happen for you but it’s definitely a possibility.

    You can help the situation through some random texting. Keep it light and flirty and do not expect a response. If it happens fine, reply. Just stay away from long texting conversations. You’ve known each other so a real conversation will be much more rewarding for him and you and will give you a better idea of where he stands in all this.

    If I was him AND I was still feeling attracted or there were no major issues I might be looking for that may have changed (from me or you) chances are the new interest will take care of itself.

    Of course I’d be hesitant to ask you out because I stopped asking before. I’d be more apt (or hope) you’d make that first move just to let me know there were no hard feelings and things “just didn’t work out.”

    Try to keep that in mind and as always the best to your new adventure. Hope it turns out better than the last time and a lot of fun too,

    Pete

    Reply Link
    • Jenesaispas

      Finally, after 3 months he made a move. I ran into him at a party and we danced till it ended. He asked me if I had come with someone. I said no. Then he offered to walk me home. We had a great time together , and even some random people drove past us and yelled: Just kiss her, man! hahaha We laughed and I got a bit nervous and talked about how something similar happened to me the other day… We came to my door, and there he stayed for a while. We kept talking.We hugged very tightly and that was it. I’m not sure if he was going to kiss me by staying there more than normal. But some of my friends told me I should have hinted for the kiss. I don’t know, Pete. He had not asked me out nor made any moves in a while, so, why would I let him kiss me, you know? that’s how I feel. maybe if we were coming back home from a second date, that would’ve been another story. What do you think about my attitude? is it ok? He’s going on vacations for a month and a half, and I suggested while we were dancing that we should do something some time. Also, as we said our goodbyes, he said I’ll see you when I come back!

      I’m not sure what to expect now. I don’t want to get my hopes up by this. He has not asked me out yet, but this was kind of a mini/spontaneous date. I can tell that he still likes me, and I like him too, but connection and confidence needs to be build again. What do you recommend for when he comes back? or should I have done more and hint for a kiss?

      Reply Link
      • Peter White

        Okay Miss Persistent

        Obviously the pace in which you decide to let a guy kiss you is up to you and your expectations from a guy and NOT what your friends tell you.

        If you didn’t want to hint it – that’s your choice I respect it. If I was him it would’ve sucked but it’s not the end of the world and judged by your interactions up to the point – he knew what was going on and I don’t believe many guys would just blow you off after because of your choice.

        So that’s all good and yes he was probably going to kiss but add to the pressure of the moment the people yelling at him, made it much tougher than he would have liked.

        However I don’t think the confidence or connection needs to be built again. You’ll both, in all likelihood pick up right where you left off.

        If you want to assure that – make sure you contact him and set up another possible mini-spontaneous date. Find a public place you can sort of accidentally meet up again and mention you’ll probably be there.

        In the meantime avoid predicting the outcome. Avoid running scenarios in your head of what might happen.

        Also – some good advice is to not get caught up in thinking a date is a set thing where something is supposed to happen. There are NO rules here. Too many dates are structured and not all they can be.

        You can call spending time with him or any guy a date if you want – but all that really matters is the connection.

        Focus on that and not the structure or rules because that’s when and where the “real” stuff happens to people.

        Sound good?

        Let me know how it all works out for you Jenesaispas and all the best to you,

        Pete

        Reply Link
        • Miss Persistent (Jenesaispas)

          Pete,

          It has been a while, and I keep coming back for more haha :P.

          This situation with this guy seems like it’s never ending. He went home for the break and contacted me 3 or 4 times. I contacted him , too. In one of the convos we had , I mentioned something about a movie that had his name on the title . He said we were gonna watch it once he got back. I ran into him right after the 1st day of class and I got super nervous. I gave him a hug and ran to to one of my other classes. (I know I should’ve acknowledged him , but I got soo nervous all of a sudden and ran away) That same week we went to the same party we met at, and he was on a date with another girl. He saw me and kept looking at me the whole night. I got a bit upset. Of course, we didn’t talk at all that night. After that, we met at several activities together since we belong to the same on-campus association. He approached me a couple times. He once stroked my cheek saying that I looked really nice. I don’t know why but I got nervous again and tried to avoid him in a nice way like changing topics and whatnot. Every time we met for the association thing, he has approached but does not make any bolder moves. Sometimes I just think he is being like that because he is just nice and polite.

          One day I saw him eating dinner all by himself at the cafeteria. I went and sat by him. We had a fun conversation. I hinted about the movie we were supposed to watch. He said that he had not been able to find it(it’s kind of an old random movie). I said ok. don’t worry about it. But he did not even mention about another movie or another time we could do something. So that left me thinking that maybe he is just not really interested anymore. Well, one day my roommates told me to contact him on facebook to gauge his level of interest. I started a casual conversation. But he just limited himself to just respond, never initiating a new topic. So I stopped fbchatting him. It’s like he seems interested every time he sees me, but he is not contacting me specifically to spend time with me. This is how this semester has been going so far. I decided I was just not going to wait on him anymore.If he approached me and was all nice to me, it was gonna be just fine with me. I kept that cool attitude until last Friday when I ran into him at the same place for lunch. He approached me as I was looking for a place to eat. He’d already eaten his food and he stayed with me to accompany me.We had fun like we usually do.

          Since then I’ve been thinking a lot! I’m tired of this thing of not being able to just show him how much I like him because I have no idea if he still likes me or not. I have no idea what his intentions are because he does not contact me to see me. He just takes advantages of the random moments we run into each other. We always talk about random other stuff, and I think honest communication is not happening because none of us know what’s really going on.

          Pete, what am I to do with all of this!? Is he interested? was he interested and is not anymore because of my responses?

          Reply Link
          • Peter White

            Miss Persistent,

            “He once stroked my cheek saying that I looked really nice. I don’t know why but I got nervous again and tried to avoid him in a nice way like changing topics and whatnot.”

            A pivotal moment where he wanted, expected, or even tested you for a warm response but was left cold.

            It’s obvious at this point he’s NOT going to chase you but that seems to be the only choice you’ve given him.

            He’s “dating” other women. He’s not reaching out to you for a “traditional” date.

            It seems like you’re BOTH just circling a runaway looking for a landing but neither one of you have taken the real risk of doing something ( anything )together.

            Okay I wouldn’t expect too many guys to be all chatty on Facebook… most of us, at least the guys I know are just not into doing that. I also wouldn’t expect too many guys who are interested in more to all of a sudden ask you out over random casual conversation or connections that can be made with any friendly person. Such as movies.

            Not knowing what is going is actually a good thing when it comes to chemistry so I wouldn’t suspect that is the problem.

            Also, men don’t just lose interest because of your responses, they lose interest after learning and finding out you’re not compatible or things along those lines. The attraction just doesn’t disappear just because he might’ve felt blown off. Sure he might now believe you’re only interested in being a friend and therefore back away a little but I guarantee when a guy “feels” attracted to a woman it’s of little control or choice to him.

            One of you needs to step up, take the risk, and actually meet up to do something FUN and exciting and steer away from casual conversations. Something which can stir the chemistry and take it out of this friendly level where it seems to be stuck in.

            That’s when you’re going to find out his real interest.

            I have to cut this short, the shower is calling me but think about what I said and write back and we’ll dig just little deeper, okay?

            I do hope at least what I’ve given you today gets you headed in the right direction Miss Persistent,

            Pete

            Reply Link
            • Miss Persistent

              Pete,

              Thanks! I have some news. As I finished writing the last post I got a couple of texts from him. He was inviting to volunteer for a certain event. I said OK, I’ll give it a try. It ended up kind of being a double date with this other couple. I had a lot of fun. I was able to be my confident self because I was more focused on the volunteering than the actual situation of being around him. There were moments when we were just sitting and he would get really close to me. He began with flirty touches in the arm and then again he poked my cheek. I asked him if my face was too red and he said “a little, but it’s really nice.” And then he stroked my cheek again. I let myself be caressed and smiled at him. He asked me if he was red,too. I said a little bit and gave him a little nice slap on the cheek and then I stroked it too. After that, sparks were flying the whole time. I had to leave in a hurry to take an exam and didn’t say bye. I got home and sent him a text, thanking him for inviting me and that I had enjoyed my time volunteering with him. He replied and said he really appreciated the time I took to help him out.

              A couple of days passed, and we met again at the end of the semester party for the association. He was looking around for me in the party till he found me. He stayed with me during the whole thing. We danced a lot , and I felt again that the spark was there. I told him I’d go get some water, but I went to the restroom in a way to escape a little bit of all the emotions I was feeling. I stayed in there for like 30 minutes. My roommate had to go get me and told me he was nervous,too. He was waiting for me and had not danced with anyone else. So I went back to the party. And here is where things go a little off. On the speakers they were inviting all people to go caroling to the elderly the next day. I asked him very casually if he was going. He didn’t say anything. He just said hmmmmm and hesitated. To fill the void of that awkward moment I told him it was pretty good . He said he had done it before and something else. After that, I felt kind of disappointed. I was emotionally charged and felt that the whole thing was off. We sat for a while. He tried to regain connection by making me laugh with some jokes. I laughed, but I was feeling off. I felt the attraction was gone. I didn’t want that feeling to mess up with the night. But it wouldn’t go away. He felt it, too. And he kind of withdrew. He was still very nice to me. But his countenance was kind of tired and not as happy as before. He offered to walk me home, again. We talked about many things. But the spark did not get back. I was not feeling romantic attraction anymore. He gave me kind of a short hug. I climbed up the stairs. Looked down from the banister, and he was there looking at me, waiting for me to get in the apartment. As I closed the door I looked down again, and he was still there waving at me. I got home and felt like this whole thing was over. I felt frustrated that the night was going so awesome but ended so kind of off.
              I thought maybe I made him feel insecure with my switch of attitude and maybe he thought it was something that he did. So, I decided to risk a little and open up. I texted him the the next night. I told him that he made me feel good, that I like his sense of humor, and that I had a great time the other night with him. He texted back and said that he always has a great time when he sees me. That whenever I’m around him, I make him feel good and brighten him up. And that he too had a great time with me last night. And that is the last thing I knew from him. It kinda warmed my heart to have received a text like that…But…
              Somehow I couldn’t be as confident as I was when I was volunteering with him. I feel like I did not do my best to keep my emotions under control and they interfered with the way I was feeling towards him. It’s been only 2 days after getting that text. And I’m starting to feel that he likes the chase too much. That whenever he feels he’s got me, he drops the efforts and does not step it up. I kind of regret having texted him if he was not going to do anything else after that or if he only wants me when the spark is there. I know I cannot define my relationship with him by these kind of interactions, but still. I have no idea where this is going to go

              Link
            • Peter White

              Okay Miss Persistent,

              At the height of the evening you ran away and disappeared for 30 minutes and when you got back, things were now a little off between the two of you…

              Not all men would feel “abandoned” after that and not all men would run through a million different things in their head about why or what happened or what they did to cause it BUT I’d say that’s probably exactly what happened here.

              It may feel like he only likes the chase but I’d say you have it reversed. Let’s be honest, you’re the one who just maybe felt like when you were being caught, because of all the emotions, took off and hid. When you returned he acted “dejected” and just a little off.

              BUT… let’s not get too caught up in all that. It happened. Some men WILL understand, just be careful because men tend to get frustrated quickly if they feel like you’re a “runner” or someone who constantly backs away when things are going so good.

              I won’t suggest you explain yourself to him directly. That may be a little difficult for you and him and I just don’t know what the exact consequences would be.

              However, in my personal experience, as a guy in his position who’s been here, I would definitely want the woman to let me know somehow or in some way that I was causing it.

              For example: When you texted him, “… Made me feel good, that I like his sense of humor, and that I had a great time the other night…” that only beckoned or hinted him that he was cool and all but that he needed to do more. It can work but I feel he needs to understand what he really does to YOU.

              Something as simple as, “You’re driving me crazy… ” tells or hints to a guy that you’re not running or asking him to chase you BUT “hint hint if I seem off, it’s YOUR fault and that’s a good thing.”

              Guy like to know stuff like that. They like to know they’re the reason you may be acting a little off.

              You told him HE made you feel good but that was an understatement and a little vague for most men.

              Hopefully you can use this or this strategy more in your communication:

              “You made me feel good” –> Think about how you’re really feeling and what he’s actually doing for you then cleverly let him know. ( I know it’s tough but you’ll be okay. )

              “I like you’re sense of humor” –> “How do you always find a way to make me smile and laugh?”

              “I had a great time the other night” –> “You brought out the real dancer in me. I was so winded… ”

              Obviously don’t overuse that stuff but I feel things like that speak directly to a guy AND when you let it slip how nervous you might get around him, he’ll get the hint.

              As always, try not to worry about where things are going…. enjoy it,

              Pete

              Link
• Maureen

  I have been in a relationship with a man for 1 1/2 yr now with a few breaks in between. We live 2 hrs away from each other. We are both stubborn. We have a disagreement then don’t talk for a bit then we start again. This last time we fought was I feel he does not make me a priority. We did not speak for over a month. He would send a text but I ignored him. He sent a joke, not a real comment. The last time he texted, I did respond. I missed him. He told me he was thinking of me and wanted to see how I was doing. So we are back to talking but he hasn’t asked to see me. He did this while we were together too. He is busy but I just don’t understand why he obviously missed me too but does not ask to see me. Why does he pop back in but then not say what he really wants?!

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Maureen and welcome.

    My belief is that (partly) being relationship stubborn is about trying to keep what little power we feel we have.

    Better put…when a guy thinks,

    “If I give in too much, she will control me. If I’m controlled I won’t feel happy and free.” and the most overlooked item which is not so obvious to you and I when we’re in a relationship, “When she tries to control me, my actions, or the words I avoid using to speak how I feel… She’s trying to change me, my core. AND if she’s trying to do change something about me (or us) then she must not like me for who I am and I’m not making her happy.”

    What you seem to have is a power struggle going on for his identity (or how much you’re attracted to him) AND since you’re far enough apart to avoid constant confrontation, it’s all too easy to not speak for a month and still call it a relationship. When in fact it may not be clear to him what kind of relationship it is. You might define it differently from him.

    For example – in your eyes him not making you a priority is a weakness in your defined relationship. But in his eyes a relationship of only marriage bound or living together is when you give full priority to the woman OR if she’s happy enough with who I am then I want to keep her as a priority.

    It’s often a breakdown in communication. I’m one stubborn ass myself so I understand the power issues with women in this area. The power struggle starts when seemingly irrelevant (often superficial) disagreements turn into silence. A deadlock where each draws a line in the sand and pulls out the rope for a game of tug and war.

    The really strangest part of all this comes down to something you might not know or assume about men:

    How we feel about you or how attracted we are to you or how far or deep we want to be in a relationship is not overly affected by our ability to make you happy and keep you attracted to us.

    In other words – How un-liked we may feel doesn’t change or lower how we feel about you.

    That means we’re not going to stop missing you but it might mean we sit and wait and hope you’ll do something to prove how much you do like us. We’re waiting or looking for a real clear sign.

    It also means we may not say what we want because that feels like again, we’re giving up some of our power and if that power seems to rely on how we perceive you feel about us, telling you changes us into the person you would rather us to be.

    Confused yet Maureen?

    He pops back in because his feelings towards you has not changed.

    He doesn’t tell you what he really want because (stubbornness) dictates – if she really knew me she should know what I want, and if she really wanted me for me she should know that I want her anyways.

    He doesn’t ask you to see him because when you told him, which he hears as “he’s failing with you” over this priority issue that he does not make you happy enough and unless he gives more (changes into someone you will like) the relationship must be redefined or in a worse case, ended.

    Obviously it seems far-fetched and it only feels that way because we let ourselves all too often get stuck in a power struggle causing the communication to get all garbled up and misunderstood.

    It just feels like to me, when two people have an amazing ability to keep their internal power (feel strong and capable and bendable but not breakable) under many conditions and stressful times, the lines of communication open up much easier.

    From there we can enhance the power and actually make others feel more powerful around us. And in cases like this it can also make a guy feel powerful even to admit, “Hey!!!! I freaken like you and I don’t care if you know it or not because it’s that guy – the one who’s willing to be and live it, is the guy you freaken like too!!!”

    Okay before I go too far off course…. Haha!

    Thank you for trusting me and I do hope with all three of our stubborn ways we can figure it all out,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Kelly

  So, there’s a wonderful guy I see every weekday for about 20mins. He stares at me so often and, though I once recited ‘Shall I compare thee…?’ to him then walked away, he still has not tried to approach me and talk to me.

  On the other hand, he once walked next to me purposely (but he chose a terrible day because I was in an awful mood-silly man) however, since then he hasn’t stared at me very much and I don’t think he likes me anymore.

  What makes it worse is that I’m such an awkward person and I keep backing out of starting a proper conversation with him; but since he does not stare at me so much and has not approached me, maybe he wants me to leave him alone? I really don’t understand what he wants or means to infer…please can you help me?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Kelly,

    To the best of my knowledge it just seems like he was going to approach you but since you were in an awful mood that day he now probably assumes you were not interested in actually meeting him.

    Unless you gave him every reason to NOT feel attracted to you I doubt he lost interest in you. He just figures you’re not interested in him so why bother even entertaining the idea.

    Also – a fact about some men – when we feel rejected by an attractive woman we tend to NOT want to give her the Ego boost by checking her out again. We may try to sneak a peek or something like that but the last thing we want to do is creep her out, give her the Ego boost, or entertain the idea that we were blown off when we got close.

    There’s probably no way around this other than sucking it up – facing your fears – understanding being awkward kind of makes you more normal than you might feel – and possibly even complimenting him on his looks.

    I don’t always suggest leading with a compliment but I’ve also found it’s taken “better” by most men than women as a lead in. We’re suckers for it.

    Try it and let me know how it works out. ‘

    You can also read my latest post because it may help you and there’s a link on how to make a great first impression which includes getting out of your own way and out of your head too. It might help alleviate some of the stress from feeling awkward.

    http://www.whydoguys.com/how-approach-shy-guy-when-talk-to-quiet-men/

    Don’t worry about approaching “properly” and don’t predict the outcome. If all fails, since I’ve been in this situation with a few women more than once – think at the very least he’s stuck with you for twenty minutes. When I first starting approaching women I’d take full advantage of the women who had no choice.

    Evil? – maybe – but it helped me overcome much of the fears and a few women later – it didn’t matter anymore.

    SO in the worst possible outcome ( because I highly doubt he’ll be mean and unresponsive) you’ll be that much closer to starting a proper conversation with any guy, anytime, when the moment first arises.

    If it doesn’t work out this time take it as a valuable lesson to learning a new very important skill. There’s always something positive to take away – keep that in mind.

    Hope that helps you Kelly and the best of luck to you,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Mishka

  So, this guy is always around me, keeps on looking at me. Actually stares at me and it feels like he can read my mind. He helps me all the time, is nice to me.
  When I think he likes me, something or the other happens and I feel he doesn’t.
  And that something or the other is mostly that he flirts with other girls and keeps on looking at me. And the weird part is those girls start liking him too.
  I would be okay knowing he is a player but why does he have to keep looking at me.
  And then why I try to move away from him, try not to talk to him, all of a sudden I am the only girl he sees. In front of everyone.
  Right now I am avoiding him again but I am actually tired of this.
  So we flirt and then we don’t.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Mishka,

    You’re going to run into men who only ever seem to want what they can’t have. It’s their game. It’s their thing. They see women as just a challenge but mostly they’re using those around them to prop up their deflated Egos.

    Now it’s cool and all to like being or feeling attractive and have women show it. It’s perfectly normal.

    However if a guy is basing his entire Ego on it – this becomes unhealthy and often creates other confidence problems.

    These men will generally chase women who blow them off but since they thrive on attention for their Ego’s, get caught in a never ending circle because they can’t decide what feels better… The Attention or the thrill of the chase.

    Don’t get me wrong – these men can be seen as highly sought after and this makes it easy for you to get caught in the middle of it all.

    But just keep in mind – when a certain guy is stuck between attention and the chase, later on – I’m sure you’re bound to find major confidence issues will tend to come out negatively later.

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Miss LA

  Mr. White,

  Of course it’s me again!

  First off, I’m grateful from the pit of my stomach A guy like you who could be really honest and tell it LIKE.IT.IS.
  I suppose when you first became aware of girls (not sure what age is ripe for attraction amongst guy species), you were probably not that highly evolved (?)… hence could relate well to some common ape stunts. And even if you were a late bloomer (wink wink), I trust that you could see through neanderthal ACTS.

  You said I unintentionally friend-zoned him. Did you honestly think that? Granted, he was actually fine being friends through and through despite my taking all the help. On my end, I was trying to get a glimpse of his character…self-esteem, whether he was decent enough before I could flirt or give my number. Understand, physical attraction happens all the time. Undeniably he was more than attractive but I don’t just take the “physical bait”. You said from his part, he felt friend-zoned, he resented me because apparently, I “used” him by asking too much help. He became cold and I respect his decision to un-friend me. This is when I would expect some sort of MOVING ON AND INDIFFERENCE. I was wrong… he still wants to drag me through an action flick.

  On the first scene, he was in that place where I normally work. As soon as I got there he stormed out. The next cut, he passed by me for who knows how many times as if to scream – “LOOK HERE I’M IGNORING YOU!” On a different scene, he was on a spotlight, nearly in front of me, having a blast with his buddies. He was laughing out loud, yet his face looked tense, twitched, more angrier than happier. Whether this was some sort of boy disney show or a soap opera, I couldn’t tell. The acting was lousy, the storyline confusing, the end was anti-climactic. I’d give it a 1-star at best for the actor looking like the hot guys from the movie “300”. Overall, it’s “Give Me Back My Money” rating.

  On a positive note, I shouldn’t take these stuff personally. Though none of these makes sense from anyone’s perspective, I take that he’s entitled to his own feelings. Nevertheless, it behooves me to see If –

  1. I have the right mental frame to judge his character
  2. I am misinterpreting his assclown acts
  3. I should put myself in his shoes simply because I’m not a guy
  4. I should cancel my membership at the gym so he could finally have his peace (Yes, I’m that kind and generous).

  As always,
  Your cheerleader

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Rah Rah Miss LA,

    This is a GOOD thing dear… you got him to reveal his true character.

    You got to see how instead of acting like a real man, he decided to take the “Mommy love me” act and pouted his way into the corner.

    Oh and 4. Do NOT cancel your membership… I prefer MY cheerleaders to be in tip-top shape.

    Let him pout and misjudge you, most men do grow up sooner or later.

    Now stop watching so many movies just to stare at the hot guys… you sound like my best friend who, when I asked him if he watched “Don Jon” replied,

    “Nope.”

    I said, “How could you not watch it… I thought you’d at least want to see it for the dude in it..”

    To which he replied,

    “Hey I did sample the good parts. Haha!”

    Later Miss LA,

    Me

    Reply Link
    • Miss LA

      Lol, this is hilarious! I am so admiring you ! Thanks for all that you’ve done shedding some much needed light. I feel honored to be in your cheerleading squad.

      Till the next assignment,
      Your Cheerleader from LA

      Reply Link
• Olivia

  Okay, so I’ve liked this guy for two years straight. In that time, he’s liked 3 girls that were not me and they are all either blonde or brune and incredibly thin. A bit depressing for this slightly curvy girl of color, but I’ve managed to rack up the courage to tell him I like hin twice. Not only did he not respond, he seemed reluctant to talk to me. Last year, any way. Now, he sits by me in almost every class and today in latin, science, and english class, I saw him staring at me, either directly or from the corner of his eye. Does this even mean anything? I feel as if I’m clinging to a stupid dream. He’s better friends with the girl he used to like than me.. tells her his secrets, texts her. He won’t even respond when I call him for the homework. Have I been doing anything wrong? I know I’m kind of shy, but is it something else? Sometimes I think I’m just not the kind of girl he likes.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi Olivia,

    There’s a hard often painful “thing” about attraction. If you tell a guy how much you like him and he isn’t feeling it too then he tends to become very standoffish. The whole thing is explained here by someone who’s not me but I feel explains what is called the “ewww” factor along with some helpful advice.

    http://www.dialteg.org/christian-carter-what-why-man/secret-paradox-attraction/

    From what I’ve read you can start doing things differently. First by not letting this interaction make you feel unwanted. He’s only one guy and if you’re not his type I can guarantee there are plenty of me who feel you’re the only type for them.

    The trick is located them and then meeting them.

    You’ve shown a ton of courage by telling this guy twice how much you like him and now you know that’s NOT the way it works BUT…

    That’s exactly the type of strength and courage so many women would die for and YOU have it.

    Use it to your advantage to chat up ALL men and remember to refrain from telling guys you barely know or are not sure about how much you like them too early on.

    If he’s staring at you he’s probably thinking he hurt you and feels bad for it. It may feel uncomfortable to him. That’s not important though.

    What is important is that you transfer your courage to where it’s going to help you the most and not let it diminish because one guy might not believe you’re his type.

    Us guys have lots of types but it all starts with a great first impression, attraction, and a connection with someone. From there our types tend to change to match the person we’re attracted to.

    This means to focus on early impressions and creating attraction and don’t worry about his preferences. If he really likes you his preference can easily change. But if it’s not there then it’s not there. Use your strength to smile and walk away BEFORE you get too wrapped up in it all.

    There are plenty of men everywhere. Half of the world in fact.

    Hope that helps you out Olivia and the best of luck to you,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Raspberry

  Hi Pete,

  So I met this guy like a month ago. There’s good chemistry, smiles,flirty glances, interest, rich nervousness and whatnot. He and his roommate have come to hang out with us in our apartment several times. He always asks me questions and seems pretty nervous and happy to talk to me. He does not seem interested in any other person but me when he comes over. So 2 days ago they invited us to go to the movies.I was the only one that went. When we got there, I felt super nervous but happy that I got to be with him. I sensed he was feeling that way too. We were together before, during, and after the movie. We chatted for a bit before and after and that was it. I feel that the movie was lame and it was not very helpful, in fact, it kind of made me more nervous and a bit tense. After the movie he was still nice and we drove home laughing and telling jokes about the movie with his roommate and another friend. In spite of the good time driving home, I felt a bit of detachment on his part, maybe I did the same. I don’t know. The next day I texted him a funny text about me dreaming about the movie, very short and sweet. He texted back and asked me some funny questions. I replied. His last text ,though, was 7 hrs after mine and it was just a simple”oh I can imagine lol…” (I know that he was flying home and maybe was busy) But I have some questions to ask you: What do you think is going on with him? I sense he likes me, but why hasn’t he asked me out yet? Do you think me texting him might have turned him off?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi Raspberry,

    Most men don’t gravitate solely to a particular woman – just to be her friend unless he’s trying to make another woman jealous, he’s gay which you should be able to tell by what you’re talking about anyways, or you’re the only person to talk to and he’s just being friendly.

    This means – if he’s interested (attracted) to a certain girl most men will make sure you’re the one he wants to be around.

    You must understand not many men are good at this “asking girls out” thing. They have self-doubt. They don’t know how to work it in the conversation. They don’t see what you’re seeing and therefore tend to miss the flirty tips a woman gives out which are clear to her or guys who are good at this stuff.

    I’d assume he has not asked you out because he was stuck in his own head trying to figure out a way to do it – and missed the opportunity. At least in his eyes. This would explain the awkward silence on the way home.

    Now… I highly doubt your text “turned him off”. He probably did get busy, didn’t know what to say, or in most circumstances didn’t want to appear overly needy so he waited. Which is a good sign. If he’s waiting, trying to make you believe he has a life outside of his phone AND actually does, then that just means he’s trying not to scare you away because he’s interested in keeping you around.

    Best to you and your nervous guy Raspberry. Hope that clears it up for you,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Cat

  There’s this amazing guy and he is literally all I think about. I really like him but he’s really shy and doesn’t interact with many girls often. I’ve caught him looking at me several times but every time I try to talk to him the conversations are really short. I’ve made him laugh before but then it seems like he’s avoiding me whenever I see him. I know his family fairly well and him too, but I don’t know if I should approach him with the idea of being more than friends. I can’t tell if he’s into me or not and how to approach him if he is.
  Thanks!

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Cat… You’ll find your answer here. If you ave any comments please them them there… Thanks

    Pete

    http://www.whydoguys.com/how-approach-shy-guy-when-talk-to-quiet-men/

    Reply Link
• M. M.

  Hi. The situation I’m in is really complicated. I started a new job last year and a couple of weeks later I met one of my co-workers. I immediately felt attracted to him, even though he is about 20 years older than me (shhh). We’ve always had a good connection, I’ve helped him in different situations at work and he has helped me and so on. Just normal colleagues. Then in February the whole office went on a business trip and one night the two of us ended up talking for hours about our personal lives, work, friends and so on. We really connected and then he started flirting with me. A couple of weeks later everyone at work went out for dinner, and again, the two of us ended up talking about everything until they closed the bar. I came back to the hotel room with him and even though it wasn’t my intentions at all we ended up having sex. Since we have such a relaxed friendship, I asked him if we could be friends with benefits and he said yes. We have met up a couple of times after that but two months ago everything changed for some reason.

  After we had sex the first time he started flirting with me at work in a vulgar way, touching my butt, whispering dirty things to me and so on. After the last time we had sex he has only done that a couple of times, but his flirting has become much more sweet and romantic. Now, he usually starts his day by coming in to my office, stroking my cheek, finding excuses to hug me, ask me stuff on the phone which he has got the answer to himself and I’ve catched him several times looking at me when he passes by my office in the hallway and he think I can’t see him. He’s even staring at me for several seconds (for example at lunch) when he thinks I can’t see him or notice. Almost every week he’s asking about my family, how my mom is doing and so on. He’s always trying to make eye contact when we’re having conversations and does everything that’s a sign of him having feelings for me.

  The problem is that I’ve asked him to come over and he’s says that he’s busy. One time we agreed that since he was busy that day he would come over the next week. He called me up late at night on the day he was suppose to come over and said he had forgotten. We ended up talking on the phone for ages but after that I haven’t bothered asking him again because I feel rejected.

  He’s a very flirty guy in general, including with other women at the office. Sometimes I catch him touching some other woman’s butt and looking at me to either see how I would react or to make me jealous (I don’t know which one).

  I know he’s been is some bad relationships and he’s a very closed off person (I think he knows everything about my entire life and I know where he’s from and small things about his closest family). A couple of weeks ago we were alone at the office and we had a great time, just talking and flirting and then out of nowhere he asked me (in a casual way) if I was sleeping with someone else to which I replied maybe (I don’t know why I said that, I panicked, but I haven’t slept with anyone else) and he kept asking for a straight answer which he didn’t get. When he left he came over to me and kissed me which I was so taken aback by that I probably looked like an idiot. There are several times I feel like he wants to kiss me but I’m always pulling away slighty because we’re at work and someone might see us. Sometimes I feel like he’s flirting with me just so I can be the “needy” one and ask him to come over, and because I haven’t asked in weeks his trying a different approach to see how I would react.

  Any tips for my mess of a situation would be highly appreciated!

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Twenty years older? M.M. Nope sorry, the secret is out. :p

    Okay seriously I’ve read this comment many times before it finally hit me. Remember this is coming from a guy who is notorious for dating and sleeping with women much younger than him.

    I’m not sure or convinced that you’re the only younger woman he’s sleeping with but I’m sure you’ve become his EGO trip. Almost like you’ve proved to him and prove it daily that he’s “just that good” with women.

    That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Especially if you’re the spark he’s needed to feel young again or to feel rejuvenated. If you are or were the catalyst of a re-birth of his confidence then you’ll either end up with a guy who takes it as far as he can by exploring other womanly options, or you’ll end up with a dude who is so into you that eventually he’s going to want to keep you to himself.

    Hence the asking if you’re sleep with someone else. He’s wondering if you’re “in love” with him and interested in being more than just a friends with benefits OR whether or not you can handle the current “friends with benefits” relationship you both seem to be in.

    He seems to be using that question in a very cocky way like saying, “You love me… don’t you? How adorable!” Which is why the kiss comes next.

    Now obviously you know him better than I do and I know you can answer some questions for yourself about whether or not he’s sleeping with other women or seeing someone else when he says he’s too busy.

    Aside from all this and that I wrote above it’s kind of clear to me he likes to be in control and he likes to control you and your emotional state of mind. It’s probably driving his state of confidence.

    I’m being very confusing here because there are too many “what ifs” only you can answer for yourself yo help you see what’s really going on here. I can only merely give you several scenarios on why a guy like this acts like this. Particularly when the relationship has been agreed to just being friends with benefits.

    That benefits tends to make men believe they have free reign to do whatever the hell they want with a woman’s feelings AND it certainly makes them feel they are in control. Add to that your younger age and shy like responses and I’m assuming either way – he’s loving every minute of this relationship with you.

    Thanks for writing in M.M. and hopefully this clears up more than it confuses you.

    Pete

    Reply Link
• annie

  I need advice so I had been talking to a guy I came across and happen to compliment him on his work. He wrote back quite pleased said I had made his day we had been emailing each other back and forth really long emails on our interests almost like we connected right away. At first didn’t really take it as strange I didn’t know him because we started to open up a little more. Then he started taking a while to write back but I would wait and he would write back and still seeming interested I didn’t take much importance in it. Then I decided to tell him goodbye for now and he wrote back he thanked me for a stimulating conversation and keep in touch and that it was werid we hadn’t met yet. But since I did start the conversation I don’t want to be the one to pursue him again but do you think he’ll write back or he will just leave it at that? He has not seen my picture not that I would mind showing him one but could it be that he will just forget all about me because I somehow can’t forget him just like that it’s going to be almost a month since we have talked. Do guys just forget someone who they were really starting to get along with?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Annie,

    The thing I see here is – stimulating conversation is just that. With no picture, flirting, or signs of a real attraction he probably only sees you as sort of a pen pal.

    At least that’s the way I would take it.

    Connecting is great and all but there just has to be more for a guy to chase a certain woman. It’s not normally enough for most men to see it as anything more than a casual correspondence. These kind of things can develop but usually it become a lot of work (with the long emails) and so much being shared than it’s easy for him to delay writing again so quickly.

    If he didn’t ask for a picture or initiate some kind of flirting then it’s almost life he sees it as just what I’ve written.

    I doubt he’ll forget. Depends on his memory. How many emails he sends. His public life. Whether he’s seeing someone or even looking for someone over the internet.

    Not all men forget connections but without a certain spark ( just getting along doesn’t count ) he probably doesn’t feel the need to write back so quickly. Especially if the emails were long and full of information.

    I wouldn’t worry about writing him again – just do it.

    Except this time keeps things shorter or (light-hearted) and make it easy and simple for him to respond. Don’t send a question just something quick and funny to be reminded of you and see how he responds.

    From there, it might be easier to understand what kind of intentions he might have with you AND it can change the whole dynamics of the interaction. Which is VERY important early on.

    Let me know how it goes and the best of luck to you Annie,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Jenn

  Seems to me like men can turn their feelings on and off and can get quite irritable if things don’t play out the way their ego wants it too. They are so protective of their ego that they forget they even are or were attracted to said woman to begin with. So my question is with a once in a lifetime opportunity why would said man play head games to try and get the girl but then lose the girl due to lack of commitment, conversation, connection, even if said woman is open to whatever and not pushy maybe talkative but not pushy. thanks!

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hey Jenn,

    Nope we can NOT turn our feelings on and off. They are beyond our control. We can however control how we ACT on them and that’s a skill we all either learn to do fully or half-ass it most of the time.

    Now – a lifetime opportunity as you put it simply represents the ultimate challenge to some men. If you meet a guy who likes the challenge but still isn’t the complete package that’s all you ever going to get.

    No woman can really change a man’s character from within. This is something he must decide to do for himself because he’s the only one privy to his own thoughts and yes, emotional stability or lack of relationship skills too.

    A once in a lifetime opportunity might push some men to maturity or strive for completeness first because he’s madly in love with her but he still has to do the work and want it too.

    Normally this is NOT enough to get a guy to change. Other factors take place along ALL the lines of balance which includes things like social, health, wealth, relationships, and family.

    In my opinion and based on my observations and experience – we can only give to a relationship what we have. So if a man is offering nothing to you AND there’s attraction – then he doesn’t have it to give. Therefore he’s missing some major pieces in the balance of his life.

    He’s not complete making it impossible for him to take advantage “successfully” of the once in a lifetime Jenn. At that point no matter what you do or say can make a difference.

    If you’re only a challenge to him that’s all he sees. It could change. He could change. But it will be on his own terms. If you’re just a challenge and once he knows he has it he throws it away in any way possible then he lacks a healthy balance of completeness…

    And he’ll constantly search thinking what he’s missing in his life he’ll find in the next challenge.

    When we both know he’ll never complete himself that way thus the pattern continues.

    Think of it this way – if I firmly belief my life will be better if I only had this – but then after getting it I still feel “empty” and not know why – then I’m more apt to believe I found the wrong thing. Unless something changes like my belief system I might perpetually search for the one wrong thing that I think will make me happy even though my experience tells me differently.

    Hope that clears it up a little for you Jenn,

    Pete

    This means – he might believe the thrill of the chase will complete him

    Reply Link
• lili

  Hi there,
  There’s this guy that i see at work several times a day when i go eat or outside to smoke. I don’t know him (we’re not in the same service) and we never speak but he stares or glances at me quite a lot and for long seconds. He seems very comfortable when he’s talking with his colleagues, but whenever he’s by himself he keeps looking at the ground and then “eye-follows” me to the exit when i leave without saying anything. I like him very much, or at least would like to know him so i started replying to his glances/stares by smiling, maybe a bit awkwardly, but still smiling. But whenever i do that he makes the strangest face, that doesn’t look at all like a smile, and he seems almost mad. i’m completely confused now. I tried to approach him or at least show him that he can go for it and i don’t understand why he reacts like that. Why stare that much if you’re not interested? or is my approach too scary? HELP

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Yeah Lili… way too many men look like that when they’re nervous as all hell. Your approach is not scary. He’s just probably scared shitless and doesn’t know what to know.

    Hence the look down and the “eye following” you to the exit. He’s attracted but either doesn’t have the confidence, know how, or gets very nervous and shy around women he’s attracted to.

    He’s interested but is tongue tied and worried you won’t like him back ( in that way) once he opens his mouth. Probably based on his past experiences with women.

    I think this – if your approach was really that scary – you’d send him running and screaming like a girl in a horror movie and since that didn’t happen… it all him Lili.

    Maybe you could try start a group conversation while you’re out there and invite him to join in. Or at least get some opinions on something relevant to your working environment and ask him his opinion very casually. Just remember not ALL guys can be opened up if their stuck in their own too much.

    It’s one reason why DiaLteG TM is there – to hopefully help nice guys like this overcome some of the fears they have around women.

    Thanks Lili…. best of luck to you,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Kelly

  Hi there.
  I’ve recently noticed a guy at my school who keeps staring at me whenever we pass each other. I didn’t know who he was until one of my friends told me his name. I’ve read on the internet that if a guy stares at you a certain way for a certain amount of time, he likes you. I’m sure that’s the case, cause one of his friends told me, “My friend here thinks you’re cute.” and the guy looked down as they passed me. Another time I was looking out the classroom window and he was walking in the quad when he caught my eye and pointed me out to his friend. I felt shocked about this and didn’t know how to react. I want to approach him and talk to him, but I don’t know what to say. I only want to be friends for now, I even sent him a friend request on Facebook. No one has EVER liked me; I’m not even a pretty girl, so it’s a bit of a shocker to me…Can someone please help me?!

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi there Kelly, I bet you are pretty so be honest with me, you’re one heck of a darling looker aren’t you?

    Okay – if you only want to be just friends with him for now then you might refrain from leading him on. He was ( most likely ) pointing you out to a friend because that is what guys do – they point out the “hotties” they see to their friends.

    We start doing it really young and it kind of sticks with us. In a way us guys bind with each other by doing it and by agreeing with each of what we find attractive. Yes it’s male bonding at its finest not-so-delicate way.

    You can be shocked if you want that this guy might like you – but sooner or later you’re going to have to believe you’re good enough for any guy to like.

    What you read on the internet and all over “why do guys…?” is absolutely true…. are you calling me a liar?

    Haha – go get him Kelly and hope it works out for you,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Ann

  Pete,

  I work in a school and we got a new principal this past school year. When I first met him, he seemed kind of unfriendly and would not even make eye contact with me (he did this to others too). I had no attraction to him, as he is at least 10 years older, but I noticed in the first month or so that he seemed to always be looking at me. As time went on, he was more and more obvious about looking at me, almost staring sometimes. He is somewhat awkward but he attempted to be a little more friendly, and then seemed to start showing up where I was, walking by my office a lot, etc. By Christmas, I noticed he began to make eye contact, and would do things to draw my attention (singing loudly while visiting my kids), and would stand extremely close to me when we did talk. The day before we left for Christmas break, a group of us were sitting in the office and he turned to look at me where others couldn’t see him and stared into my eyes for at least 5 seconds. He did this again that day. Well, over break, I realized I did like him but he is my boss, and I wasn’t sure of his relationship status. He doesn’t wear a ring, and I had heard he is separated because his wife had an affair with the school superintendent in the old town he lived in.
  When I returned from break, I tried to avoid him (more because my attraction was getting so strong that it made me nervous). He then made a point to walk in front of me, sit near me, etc. He then started to act very moody with me, I was guessing in response to maybe my perceived rejection of his attempts. He is a moody person though, but had not been that way with me, or to this extreme. He would slam things when he was around me, be rude to me, but then act really kind the next day as though he was sorry. This went on for a few months of being grouchy, to still showing up where I am, doing favors for me or my kids, and some days totally ignoring me. By spring, I had started to make it a little more clear that I was attracted to him too. He had started to make friends with my friends, and would tell them how his weekends and breaks were boring, and just seemed overall kind of down. He has 4 children, ages 10 and up, so I can’t see how that would not bring him some happiness. I then found out he was not separated anymore and hadn’t been since coming to our school! So he is a married man acting the way he did. I tried to get over him because of this, as I have NO interest in being the other woman or a “side piece”, but since pulling away, he had gone from brushing up against me “accidentally” to literally knocking me over twice by “accident” while walking by me and then grabbing my arm and squeezing it tightly one of those times to say sorry. In the last month of school, it seemed to amp up, and one day I was talking to one of the only other men who work in the school. He is my age and knows a guy I used to date, so we were joking around when he walked in. It was clear that he was angry and he wouldn’t even look at me the rest of the day. The next day, he started talking loudly to a person behind me about his wife and how he is helping her train to run a 5k (which he knew I was doing too), and how she is so funny about it, blah, blah…he had never brought her up, and I wondered if it was done to make me jealous, or to let me know that he is married and not into me. The next 2 days after that I refused to look at him, I was just angry – that he is married and he was playing games it seemed. He literally would stand and stare at me, like he thought that would prompt me to make a move, which did show me he hadn’t said it to push me away. I would catch him watching me several times, and he didn’t hide it. I decided to stop acting upset and just treat him like a co-worker, since I felt my reaction showed him that I did like him. From then, he was so much kinder to me and our co-workers – to the point that people stated how he seemed to be happier all of a sudden. He started to come to office a lot more, act nervous sometimes, end up near me in a room full of people, and all the other things he had done before that made it seemed like he liked me. But, he would also randomly bring up his wife in front of me – not talking to me directly, but to someone else. One time he was talking to an 8 year old who was moving to another town and he mentioned that at least the town he was moving to has pretty girls because the college there is known for their pretty girls, and then said “my wife even went there for a little while”. Well, he also knows that I went to that same school. I would get distant after these incidents trying to honestly move on because of his status, but he would keep coming around. The way he looks at me is like nothing else I have ever experienced, like he is in love almost.

  The last week of school, he and I got to a new level of comfortable around each other. We joked a lot, he teased me, touched my arm gently, etc. The last day of school, we had a drawing for our kids that were based on tickets they had received for good behavior over the last month. He does this monthly and my 4 kids always win each time (he “draws” the tickets himself). Well this day, I had to go to him to give him my kids tickets and he laughed and joked that I was trying to get my kids to win by putting in a lot of tickets, but in reality, it was only 40 tickets that went in a box with over 500 at least. ALL of my kids won, but this time he was blatantly obvious about it, smiling, etc. To the point that the office staff noticed. I then joked that my supposed attempt to put all those tickets in must have worked, but I guess I said it in a way that acknowledged that he had picked them. This was in front of our secretary. The rest of the day, he was grouchy and distant. We were off for a long weekend and had to return for workdays and a cookout for staff. I had to help set things up that morning, and he was kind of cold towards me. Well, his wife showed up for the cookout and after thanking everyone for their help this year, he thanked his wife for moving here with him and said “thanks baby”. The rest of the week he was cold and distant towards me. I tried to be friendly, but he acted like he wanted to be left alone, and spent the rest of those days in his office, rarely leaving. I was very hurt by his behavior so I left for the summer without saying goodbye or even trying to see him. Point of all this – I am now pretty crazy about him. We have SO much in common, and I think he is gorgeous. Honestly, I felt that he was crazy for me too, until that last week. I will not pursue him, and will see him again in 2 months, but I am so confused. He seems unhappy with her, yet throws her in my face. Side note – he does have 2 kids with autism, so that complicates his home life, and he supposedly takes meds for a mood disorder…so my question. Is it possible he had feelings for me, or I am just someone he did those things with to pass time? He never treated anyone else this way, and others have noted that he seemed to favor me. I feel like he is my soul mate in some ways, and I haven’t listed all the others “signs” because this is long enough! Although I feel this way, I will never try to break up someone’s marriage. Can you give me some insight into what he may have been thinking during all of this? SO sorry for the length! Thank you so much!

  Ann

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Ann,

    Okay – I understand this is serious but let’s keep this meeting lighthearted to start with and so I must tell you – you got me worried about my spelling or grammar.

    Now the serious bits.

    It’s not uncommon for a man to develop feelings for some women no matter what their home life is like but I don’t think it’s most men’s intention to throw their wives in your face. I believe that’s just something you felt was happening because you’ve developed an attraction for him. So even the very mention of his wife would cause your emotions to bubble up.

    Men often find themselves attracted to escape women. In other words women who for a short time can make their “other” life disappear and give them the old youthful feelings of attraction they may have not felt for a while in their present relationship…

    Especially if he’s an older gentlemen who might find it difficult to experience it again fully with his wife because of his specific situation.

    Some men will act on it – flirt a little in their own little way. They may even consider crossing the line once or twice just to feel like they’re wanted, attractive, “still got it” kind of thing. Once the guilt rolls in – and the pressure of their life or lack of sleep weighs in – they WILL get moody, distant, or cold to those around them.

    Once that all dissipates they can easily bend back and seem like a whole new person. And yes, part of that could have been because he was experiencing some youthful attraction he remembers AND because just maybe he saw how you felt and that made him feel good.

    Just remember, those good feelings can easily turn to guilt as he mind wanders and thus switching his mood once again to cold or grouchy or anything close.

    I’m not sure if that’s the answer you were looking for or even if my grammars correct as I rarely proofread my comments – I just wire my gut and hope I’m close.

    However – what I wrote should explain some of what’s going on inside his head and why he may have acted or done the things you believe were happening.

    There’s little doubt he was “using” you to pass the time or anything like that. It actually sounds like you’ve helped me more than you might imagine but since the guilt could ruin it for him – he has to learn to put it all in perspective and find a way to deal with all the issues he is dealing with.

    Hope that helps you out Ann and have a great summer dear and thank you listening,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• sh

  4 months ago I started to like a guy in a cafe near our univercity ,I felt that he has feelings too , though he did n’t show it much ,one of my friends encouraged me to talk to him , and I told him a bout my crush ,he said he doesn’t have a 1girlfriend but he likes to be alone ,and he doesn’t want to have relationship .although my friends told me no t to go to that cafe anymore ,but I kept going .he started to be friendly but I got paranoid ,and I felt that he and his friends are laughing at me ,so I ignoredhim but after a while ,apecially after he got a little upset when I was with guys ,I thought that he might like me , but suddenly he Is acting like he doesn’t see me ,even when I stare at him ,he just looks at me for a sec and then turn his face away ,and he suddenly starts talking to my friends and making jokes ,but myftiends say that everytime im not looking , he is staring at me
  I don’t know what to think really ,I don’t know if he likes me or not ,and if he does why doesn’t he do or say something .

  Reply Link
• Pamela

  Hi.
  A man I know and I have chemistry, we have often flirted, but I know he has a girlfriend so I knew nothing would come of it. We have been getting more friendly lately and one day during an innocent conversation which I started he blurted out something random about his girlfriend. It seemed weird and forced and was not related to the conversation. He then stared at my face and when I didn’t say anything he looked angry. I’m just not sure how to read this. At first I took it that he thinks I am hitting on him and hes telling me to back off? Since then he has alternated between friendly and angry. I’m just not sure why he seems angry with me. He made me feel really awful.

  Reply Link
• meisha

  Hey Pete!
  I’ve read alot of your articles n Q/A.You’ve really answered them nicely.
  My story is quite different i.e. he’s not a classfellow or a colleague or any random guy i’ve seen at the bar…he’s a family friend…my mum’s friends with his mum n both our dads are closely related…we often meet at eachother’s homes on special occasions n stuff…we met after abt 5 years (i was 16 then) and the 1st time he saw me at that time was like he couldn’t take his eyes off me…as he got the chance to get close to me, he served me a drink n while serving he literally stared into my eyes and i looked at him n kind of laughed but didn’t make fun of him but he stared n i had to break the eye contact…that was the 1st time we had eye contact….after that we met after a few months….he came over to my place with his parents…he stared at me n smiled allllot as he entered the house until he left…in between we had alot of eye contacts n as usual i broke it…n everytime i used to look at him he was already looking at me n smiled like he was happy that i caught him seeing me (kinda cute)…n evertime he looked at me he looked deep into my eyes with a smile….it was kinda awkward that he was doing it in front of our parents n nobody noticed n i also subconciosly flirted with him i.e. passed a smile etc.
  Besides this we met another time n by then i think that i had developed feelings for him n i looked away n didnt give him a good response as he looked at me like before…i am quite shy…we havn’t met after that.
  Now im 18 n he’s 20.
  Do you think that i gave him a gesture of rejection by not looking at him that one time?
  Does he actually have feelings for me or is he just passing time?
  I’d be glad if you answer my questions.
  Thankyou

  Reply Link
• Maureen

  I met a man over a yr and a half ago on a dating site. We met for lunch after communicating and we hit it off. After two months he kinda disappeared for a few days then resumed texting daily as we always did. We lived 2 hrs apart. About a month later we got together for the first time intametly. We had only ever gone out for dinners and kissed it held hands. He could not get an erection. It was akward but we spooned and he apologized. The next day he wS still saying he wS sorry and better then that. I stayed. I cared for him. We continued to have dinners and text etc and he disappears again this time for a few weeks. I was heart broken. He initiated contact and I asked wth was going on but I knew the answer already and he said you know what and he meant the bedroom performance. I told him I knew there was something going on there and I didn’t care that it was ok and I wasn’t giving up on him, we carried on. We tried again a few months later and with some help from me we had a great night together! I could get him erect and he stayed that way and we had great sex. We do have two hours distance from one another but I don’t think it’s that big of a deal yet he never comes here to me I always go there and I don’t feel he makes me a priority in his life as time has gone by and we have had a few arguments about it and he tells me to be patient. Now after our last fight we didn’t talk for a while and he texted he was thinking of me. Now you said men don’t go that unless they want to see a woman again. He didn’t ask to see me, just started our daily routine of texting and flirting etc. after a week of this I asked why he messaged me and he said he was thinking of me and was wondering how I was and said didn’t mean to upset me over it. I told him after this much time together he clearly missed me, maybe even loves me and that he’ll figure it out. Now this time he left on a holiday alone and never even told me. So no texts or emails in almost two weeks. How can he not see that I clearly care for him more then skin deep after what we intimately go through together and bolts? I don’t understand? Not a lot of women would of stayed. I have shown my loyalty to him. I can’t keep going on this roller coaster. He must have some feelings for me but why can’t he just say it so we can move forward?!

  Reply Link
• IlikehimImlost

  I met this guy a month on business dinner that I’m attracted with. Our dinner went well which lasted for hours with great conversation then the group decided to go for couple drinks, bar to bar. I’ve noticed that he keep starring at me but I tried to ignore him and give him smiles. Until, when was leaning towards me and whispering then I feel that he probably attracted to me too. After couple hours, we end up just two of us left in the bar which end up I’ve said goodnight then end up in bed – no sex though – it was foreplay. It was intimate, fun and full of conversation which surprises me cause we talked about our partners – unfortunately, both of us are in relationship. On that night, he keep saying that he feel so happy & needy. He said he like me very much but saying sorry if he makes my life complicated which I told him “no you didn’t and don’t worry – no string attached(which i know i will be) & this will be a secret”. He stayed until morning cause I asked him to and before he left he hug me, kiss me on lips & forehead, then he left. I didn’t get a chance to get his number though but got his email on file.

  Suddenly, our path cross again at 4 pm. He asked me how I’m doing. I told him I’m tired, he smiled. We went to bar for drinks and conference but noticed that contact/connection is missing when I tried to get closer with him, his avoiding it. After the conference I asked him if his going to straight to the party or later. He replied to go back to his room, changed. We head off different way then stumble again in this crowded hallway say’s hi and hello the next time I’ve turn around his gone and seems on rush. Don’t if he was running away from. I do not know

  On next day, I sent him an email cause I want to know what happen but no reply. I don’t know what happen.
  What should I? Is this consider a one night stand? Should I move on or retry to re-connect or probably I’m just stupid or dumb.

  Looking forward for comments,

  I’m lost.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi – “ilikehimimlost” – When he was apologizing to you because he didn’t want to make your life complicated I would assume he also meant you’re making his life complicated because you’ve just had an affair. Sex or not, it’s considered cheating and I highly doubt either one of your partners would see it any other way.

    You’re going to get many different responses from men who end up in this kind of situation but more likely than not – guilt would be his primary feelings and his actions would of course avoid facing what he knows was wrong again. Avoid you and he’s avoiding reliving the guilt again.

    I’m not personally into calling others stupid or dumb. You did something and things happen.

    My personal opinion would be to consider it for what it was – one night – and then turn your attention to the relationship you’re in because there may be problems now or in the future. Get that handled and then you can set a new path or stay on the same one.

    Just know, he’s definitely feeling guilty as most men would. Of course he’s going to avoid that or you especially if he is truly in love with his partner.

    Hope that finds you “lost” and the best to you,

    Pete

    Reply Link
    • ilikehimimlost

      Thanks, Pete! That’s very helpful – I been trying to not to think of him but every single day I think of him – this incidence hunt me like a ghost.

      We have another conference coming up which will end up another dinner. I understand about the guilt, probably that what his doing now. Should I ignore him totally like I don’t know him. What should I say – basic hi and hello then be distance. I don’t really want anyone in the group knows whats going on between two of us that we’re avoiding each other.

      Please advice again.
      Thank you.

      I’m lost.

      Reply Link
      • Peter White

        You’re welcome!

        I think ignoring him would probably only cause more problems. I’m not into ignoring things and hoping they go away. You’ve already realized these things tend to linger on and “hunt you like a ghost”.

        Go with your heart and be completely honest. If you’re feeling guilty I’m sure he’d love to know he’s not alone in all this.

        Just be warned about the chemistry which could flare up and you two could wind up together again.

        The directions you seek with regards to being lost is between both of you and nothing I can tell you will help you find your way. All I can do is reassure you that being open and honest typically makes the ghosts go away.

        I’m sure when you two talk again, slowly these topics will come about. They have to. If they don’t feel free to bring them up without an accusation or anything which appears confrontational. Something like, “Are you feelings as guilty as I am?” might work for you.

        Best to you in finding your way,

        Pete

        Reply Link
• StrangeSituations

  Hi Pete so there are going to be several interesting situations, I have an interesting situation.
  First and foremost, I would like to clarify, I am 98% positive it’s most likely in my head, and if it is and you think so too, know that it won’t bother me. So be as blunt as you like. Some basic information: I’m am going (since it’s almost summer :D) to be a senior in high school, and the guy I am confused about is a college sophomore (or is about to be one) . (Even as I write this it sounds silly). I met him a several of months ago, I was a junior and he was a college fresh, (I am on friendly terms with a CEO of a company, who teaches programming to kids) I interned at a UC for 3 days, informally. He was cool, and pretty much took no notice of me (which was fine by me.) Alright so basically I’ve been interning at this place teaching minecraft modding to kids for maybe … a couple of months. Things were good, and then something happened. I initially brushed it off, and attributed it to me having an active imagination and being a teenager. (By the way, it’s a two hour class) Maybe once or twice in the WHOLE period, I would see out of the corner of my eye, him looking in my direction, (I forget if it was at me or not; it wasn’t staring, it was more discreet yet probably lasted 3 seconds, estimated, idk how to classify it, medium length glance..? idk); which is why, like I said, I attributed to me being imaginative. (Because, it DOES seem like wishful thinking). By the way in the class, I’m never in the same area for long, so I would know if he’s just staring at the same table thinking. So I laughed it off, the next class, I looked and it was the same thing, he would be looking in my direction. I’m starting to think, This is weird, I mean, if it happens once it’s coincidence, but I would hope I would know whether someone is looking in the opposite direction than where I am. This goes on, usually with me just ignoring it, and thinking I’m just too tired. (I know- I still think I was imagining it). The guy in question, I think, helps kids near me (trick of the light, probably just helping them). Recently, however, I went up to Joe, (the guy who invited me to intern and who’s in charge of all of these classes) and I ask him for advice. The guy in question walks up (casually) and starts offering advice to me. (I would put an exclamation mark, but I must still be in shock ) This is the guy who pretty much has never talked to me… ever. Maybe it’s just him being friendly..? Then a student has a question so we break, towards the end of the same session I walk up again to Joe, and similar thing happens. Here’s the thing: I ask guy in question (that should be his name ^w^) what his major is, and he tells me, he asks what mine is and I say, “I’m not in college, I’m in high school.” and then I laugh and continue, “There’s a lot of college interns so, it’s cool. Lots of people assume that.” (It was pretty funny). Next time, nothing happens, it was like we never talked. Now that I think about it, last time I’m pretty sure he glanced in my direction, but for the rest of the period he was working. So I’m just wondering what does this mean? It’s kind of funny, and I have no idea what the mixed signals are. It’s like 98% he didn’t even notice me, yet 2% is confusing me. Think I’m going crazy?

  situation #2 (unrelated, though it’s a UC): I was going for a summer internship orientation (last week), and I was the last one to enter in the room. This guy stares at me, … kind of … in awe (I guess..?). It was like he was zoned in on me (more about how I know about that). I literally feel his gaze on my back, and it is probably the scariest feelings I’ve ever had in the world. It’s so nerve racking. (Seriously, I don’t know whether the nervousness outweighs the … curiosity; never had that before) I start glancing at him, and I catch him (out of the corner of my eye) looking at me. It’s almost like we know that we are both aware of each other. We start talking and it’s like since we’re slightly more confident yet slightly unsure, make eye contact a fair amount and it’s slightly longer and more frequent, and when I get up, to get some papers, it’s like I could feel his eyes following me (maybe that was imagined).He asks me a question about the internship. I answered and then asked him and his friends what their age was. He said they all were seniors, and I said something along the lines of “go seniors” and reached up to high five him , his friend (stole) took his high five instead, and then he jokingly said that it was for him or something. I don’t know whether he likes me, or whether he’s just playing around, and purposefully leading me on.

  Okay if you can’t tell in the first situation, it’s amusing, and perplexing as I’m just trying to learn how to read people better. Obviously I wouldn’t ever act upon it due to the age difference. In the second situation I don’t know. But one thing I did notice is how the second situation contrasts so differently from the first, and yet, it’s unlikely that people just always look in your direction, when they do a long glance.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Well StrangeSituations there is definitely a LOT going on in your head…

    Your first guy – it’s easier for guys to talk to women they’re attracted to when they have a lead in or can answer a question or know the guy you’re talking to. It breaks the ice. As for him acting like you never spoke before, he didn’t have a “lead in” like the first time and was probably clueless on what to say this time. He probably waited (hoping) you’d open him up and since you didn’t, kind of played it off as nothing.

    Your second guy – well most men don’t lead women on purposely if they’re attracted to them. In fact there are lots of college guys whose sole “purpose” is to get with women. Leading them on would defeat their young purpose in life, wouldn’t it? Haha!

    Okay Miss Situational Staring Almost Senior High Schooler – it’s NOT ALL in your head. You’re probably turning guys heads for a reason. Attraction! I suggest you start working on how to turn all these future guys down easily or send them to DiaLteG TM so they can learn how to attract you back or just get ready for more staring.

    Seems to me you’ve got more going on than just your looks and guys are always more attracted to fun girls with a great sense of humor.

    Best to you Miss,

    Pete

    Reply Link
    • StrangeSituations

      Okay Pete I think I understand what you’re saying about the first guy. I was wondering though (applying to guy #1) a hypothesis I had was that he didn’t want to seem creepy as he found out that I was in high school. Is that a plausible reason?

      I have never considered myself to be pretty or the super friendly and flirty girls. I’m more of the shy and at the same time friendly though not obnoxiously so. The male attention ‘ll yes me and truthfully I dont get the whole attraction thing. Though I do know how to kind of tell how a guy likes someone. You have to compare their behavior to how they act around you to how they act around most ppl.

      So some guys lead girls on.. and some don’t. I know that the more confident guys are the more likely it is that they are just like that all the time. The nice thing about guy #2 is that he’s in high school.

      Thanks for the advice! ^-^

      (Btw it would b awesome if u reply. Just saying. :D)

      Reply Link
      • Peter White

        Well since I can’t help but to be awesome, just saying…

        Definitely Miss Situations. Men everywhere get freaked out when it comes to their attraction to younger women. Especially if they’re in college and she’s still in high school.

        I imagine they hear the police sirens ringing in the back of their mind.

        Since this is more likely to happen when your ages are so close and yet nothing it supposed to happen – I would expect lots of men, once they find out your age or where you’re at, to distance themselves quickly. I wouldn’t necessarily think they’ve been “creeped” out though. That word is usually reserved for other things.

        Great job on comparing their behavior to tell if a guy likes you. You’re on the right track there.

        Your welcome Miss.

        Awesome Pete

        Reply Link
        • StrangeSituations

          Thanks for the awesomeness Pete (it’s hard to find these days ). His reaction would make sense but he does continue to do that one glance thing. Is it because attraction is hard to control? I’m just wondering how would any girl flirt with a guy like that? Should I flirt w/ him? Does that mean the door is closed and I will have to just have to hide all the time? I’m asking this because I realized I avoid him, usually out of nervousness more than anything else ( that’s right, even a loudmouth like me gets nervous ) What should I do next time I catch him glancing at me? (Which the is funny, flattering, and often times a mystery). By the way I see him and like I said we all work with kids, and there’s Joe, and lots of other college interns (all older than him).. so it would have to be discreet. Should you flirt or even give slight signs you like someone to a person that doesn’t want to like you?
          (^_^) I don’t want him thinking I’m creepy for glancing at him, yet I also don’t want to have to avoid him because I’m nervous around him. If I did flirt with him I would want to be on the same level with what he’s giving me.

          Thank you! (And your wonderful sense of humor )

          Reply Link
          • Peter White

            Yes Ma’am my awesomeness is very hard to find these days – luckily I try not to keep it to myself.

            Two facts about guys – ONE: Our attraction can be very hard to control because we have no control over it – it just happens. AND TWO: It feels GOOD so we tend to revel in it when we can. The release of endorphin makes it highly enjoyable.

            Men are Men young lady. You flirt with them all the same. I think you should flirt because it’s fun and practice makes perfect and I feel it’s always best to set up something even if it’s years down the road. You just never know because as both your ages increase you’ll be in the same dating pool.

            A few years difference now may be something taboo or something like that but in a few more years you’ll both be exactly within dating range, won’t you?

            I’d say the next time you catch him staring at you, squint, pucker your lips, kind of like he’s doing something wrong and then quickly give him a light-hearted half smile top let him know it’s okay. This also tells him discreetly that you MAY have been checking him out too.

            Most guys don’t find it creepy that any girl is checking them out – actually it often feeds their Ego and makes them feel good about themselves. Put it this way – even though I’m kind of a different very bust ballsy type of guy – the last underage girl I caught checking me out who “forgot” to look away – I lifted an eyebrow slightly and waved my finger at her as in “shame shame” but then laughed it off for her.

            Well worth seeing her turn deep red. Haha!

            Again, stop worrying so much about it all and honestly, if nothing is going to happen ,what really do you have to be nervous about? So ENJOY IT and practice up darling.

            You’re most welcome,

            Pete

            Reply Link
• dazedconfused

  Hi Pete. I love your site. I believe my question is slightly different. My attraction for my boss…I know its cliche but I am extremely attracted. He is at least 20+ my senior and married. I’m married too but find my mind wandering to him while at home. I know its not right but my husband an I have had many ups ands down an have even separated a few times where we dated other people. So my boss and I have had this back an forth flirtation for about a year. I enjoy his company, I feel good when I’m with him and he is very sexy to me. We got close enough where he told me he loves me…an though he didnt qualify the statement with “with as an employee”. I understand thats what he meant.. it felt nice either way like i could imagine how it would sound off his lips romantically. There was a fun work function he asked me at 3 times if i was going to as if he really wanted me there. I show up with my kids and husband an he was there with his wife. He didnt even come say hi. He claimed to not have seen me but there was literally no way he couldnt have. I didnt approach him because of my attraction and his wife was there. During the times I worked for him he would seem to want to know me personally and spend time with me during the business day. So I no longer work for him but I see him everyday. Before he left i gave gift. He later told me he shared it with wife ok but then immediately after sent me a intimately suggestive text. I took awhile to respond and because im a dork my response was to tell him “i like him enough an he could text me for more for both him and his wife” He hasnt texted me.He came by my desk for help with something he could have had anyone near him help with and another time to just ask how I’m doing I guess but other than that I’ve been invisible to him. Even after he knew how attracted I was to him because I have a hard time hiding it he was still very friendly/flirtatious, driving our working relationship closer and over all keeping me hanging on. Now for the past week nothing and its driving me crazy. What is he thinking? Was I entertainment for the moment and now I’m old news. Sometimes and it wouldn’t be purposeful but Coincidence I saw him in the hallway and he’d go the other way which made me feel like a stalker. But then in the office he’d act like were best friends. I just don’t understand his game.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    It doesn’t sound like a game he’s playing. Some guys just like it a lot when a woman is attracted to them. It makes them feel good. Just the same as it feels to you when you know you’re turning a guys head.

    Sure he could’ve maybe used the situation a little to tease his wife but I’m just not sure if all men are capable of that. But it is something that happens.

    Married men will tend to sway back and forth depending on their situation at home. Meaning some days they seem like they’re into you totally and some days they pull back because just maybe, they’re afraid and feeling weak and don’t want to get “sucked” into having an affair. Especially if they know you’re attracted to them and they’re older.

    After all I’m going to assume the most common affair for an older gentlemen would probably be with a much younger woman.

    On your end – I’d be careful because if your marriage is a bit rocky you might look to a married man or a married man might make you feel more attracted. This is because a part of you might be more willing to cheat on your husband or make it easier for it to happen IF the guy you have an affair with is also cheating.

    Overall though – it doesn’t sound like a game to me…

    Best to you Miss dazedconfused,

    Pete

    Reply Link
    • daisy

      Thanks for the reply.that makes perfect sense. I can’t help still expecting him to give in and let’s see where it goes. He told me he was thinking about me. And from things that he says I can tell I’ve been on his mind. I think im in love with him. Now everywhere I go all these signs … I’ll see his name all throughout my day in the oddest of places or run into some who has his same birthday. Like all these signs that remind me of him. Lol and Its driving me crazy.

      Reply Link
      • Peter White

        You’re welcome Daisy.

        Reply Link
• Baffled

  After months of flirting, I got a major green light from a man to take the relationship to a physical level. He walked directly up to me, stood very close, and began what was to be a very intense and exciting conversation. I said yes please!, and he said he’d call to set something up. But it has been a month, but he has yet to reach out to me.
  What happened?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Honestly I’m just not sure Baffled – maybe he lost your number – got a new phone – chickened out – maybe even he was getting close to another woman and after your conversation found himself with just enough of a confidence boost to make something happen with her.

    Sounds like there’s just too much for me to tell exactly.

    If I were to guess – I’d say, since he took so long to give you the green light he got scared or unsure if it’s what he wanted or perhaps is just not sure where to go or how to take things to the next level with you.

    A guy like that might be scared or unsure on how to follow through with it all.

    Pete

    Reply Link
    • Baffled

      Thanks so much!
      I agree with every word you said and basically, I already knew what you’d reply. I wish it weren’t the case, as I’d like so much more with this man. But I know you are right. You did make me feel much better… grateful!

      Reply Link
      • Peter White

        You’re welcome and I’m glad you agree.

        Reply Link
    • Baffled (again)

      You know, I thought of one more related question, and I am betting that every single woman on this site wonders the same thing.
      What happens in a guy’s mind AFTER a relationship is over (or, in my case, was definitely initiated and then never acted on).
      Do they ever think about the woman again? Maybe when a particular song plays, or when he’s fantasizing, or when he smells someone wearing her perfume?
      Is it out of the question that they might think of her in a positive way, with a bit of a smile about what could have been?
      I guess I am asking because I have always wondered about this issue — but for right now, I am still bummed that I got my dream offer, but didn’t get to have it play out. It’s a bummer, because I really liked this particular guy.
      … or is it more a case of “out of sight, out of mind?”

      Reply Link
      • Baffled

        HI! Just checking back to see if you ever wrote a bit about what happens after a breakup…. you had mentioned that you could tell women want to know about this, and that it was worth putting pen to paper. If you posted it, I ‘d love to get your views!
        P.S. My own situation (mentioned above) ended up quite nicely! A little patience paid off! Thank you –

        Reply Link
        • Peter White

          Hi again. Unfortunately or fortunately, I have trouble writing about something I’m not directly experiencing at the time. So all I could muster up was a title.

          BUT a while ago I did have a break up which I wrote about and you’re more than welcome to read it. The first one might answer your question better:

          Wait! Before You Try To Win Him Back…Mirabelle Explains My Breakups

          http://www.dialteg.org/wait-before-you-try-win-him-back-mirabelle-breakups/

          AND…

          When The Relationship is Over, Do We Turn Off The Lights?

          http://www.dialteg.com/relationsip-ends-turn-lights/

          Hopefully they’ll give some insight into what goes on inside a man’s mind after breakup. Keep in mind it usually depends on the how and why of it and how deep and for how long we were in it AND the fact that men tend to hold on to feelings for a very long time.

          Nice to see you again and it’s great to hear how your patience paid off,

          Pete

          Reply Link
• Elly

  Hello Peter.
  There is this cute boy or man in my college, who is also my classmate. Recently,(It’s our third semester) he tries to talk me. He ask me about our assignment. Didn’t care about it much, I just answer his questions and but I do feel wierd cause he never text me, and seldom talk to me, in this 3rd semester he didn’t talk to me at all. Beside he is the student president, why would he ask me some simple questions. The next week, he talk to me and told me about his day searching answer for his assignment which regarding to me is too much information lol There are times when I text him, just about an upcoming book event and he likes book but he didn’t reply to my text. Basically it goes like this, one day he will give me his sweet smiles and talk to me, the next day he will ignore me. He didn’t even reply my text but the next day or the day when we meet, he talk to me. It’s kind of cute and funny and frustrating too. Been going on for a month or two. His friends suprisingly try to talk to me even the one who never talk to me. My friends said that he like to talk rather than texting and he likes me.But I just don’t know what to think about that.. hahahaa Do you think you can give me some advice about that? Thank you Peter!

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Well Hello to you too

    Definitely Elly – some men will never text back because they hate texting or it just has no place in their lives. Almost like it’s a female thing and only girls text. Haha! Hey there are lots of guys who just might believe that.

    He probably does like you or else he wouldn’t even bother asking you questions or start a conversation with you.

    I say, if you think he’s cute – stop waiting around for him to get off his ass and find something fun to do together and I don’t mean meet up for a cup of coffee. Something fun and energizing.

    Start off by telling him you didn’t vote for him and he’d better do something about changing your mind BEFORE the next election…

    I wouldn’t worry about the texting thing – a man’s real actions will always mean more anyways.

    Best to you Elly,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Nicole

  Surprise! I am back again…. The same guy I was talking about. A lot has happened and it has left me very confused. There are 3 parts to what happened:

  1. He dumped me. Through text. No explanation other than my family had been sending him emails. Asking for personal information. It made him nervous and he was unhappy that they were emailing him at work. Two days before he dumped me things seemed fine. We were taking it slow, seeing where things were going and getting along really well so this information really blindsided me. I was crushed. All I got was a long text and he never responded to my questions.

  2. I found out what happened. About a week or so after he dumped me my friend told me that he thought he knew why. My family was planning a surprise party for me and they had tried to invite him (not sure what part of its casual and we aren’t ready for family stuff yet they didn’t understand). I was furious. His reaction was wrong but my family knew the situation and while I am sure they thought they were doing the right thing it ended up hurting me quite a bit. After the party I found out a “friend” had helped with gathering addresses for people and she had been the one to send out a lot of the messages. She had told a close friend of mine that she invited him, but she was glad he broke up with me because she thought he was gay. This is mostly because he and I went to a competition at a bar NEAR a gay neighborhood of the city. The competition itself had nothing to do with gay or straight or anything. She went around telling people stories i had told her but since shes on medication that messes with her memory she told the stories wrong and got it into her head that he was using me. He is not gay and he was not using me. I find all that out. Then I find out she was telling people at my party stuff i had told her in confidence. That friendship is over. Around the time my friend originally told me about the party I sent the guy a text that said I figured out what happened and in trying to invite you to something they over stepped their boundaries and I will speak with them about it and if he wanted to try again he knew where to find me. I knew he was out of the country traveling and didn’t expect to hear from him again.

  3. A few weeks later I get a text from him. He said he had been out of the country and just got back. He had a lot to take care of but would be in touch. I was shocked. I never expected he would actually text me. I said that was fine and waited 3 weeks before I finally sent him a text. We talked and recently hung out a few times. When I saw him Sunday we watched the spurs finish the heat and then left. He walked to the train and since my place was on the way we walked together. When we got to my place he hugged me but after a few seconds I let go and he did not. He kept on hugging me. Then he asks what I am doing Tuesday. I told him as of how I was available so we decided to hang out. He hugs me again. Tuesday he tells me he forgot he had dinner plans with a friend but said he would like it if I came since I would get along with his friend (who was really cool) after dinner we stopped by a bar and he kept leaning on me. His friend dropped us off at the train after and he and I stood there talking. We hugged and i said he was sweaty so he rubbed up behind me to make it even. He is strange. As he was going to get on the train and i was walking home he said something I didn’t hear so I sent him a text to ask him. He said whatever perfume I had on he could smell it on him. I said my skin just smells good and he said “Yes, it does. I can’t take it” we started to flirt. It turned into phone sex but he repeatedly told me he wanted me, always wanted me, wanted me for a long time. On Sunday and that evening he had a hard time around me. I know he is sexually attracted to me.

  I guess my real question is am I off base thinking he might want to try again? After all we didn’t break up because we weren’t clicking. My friend freaked him out. Based on the messages that I have seen that she sent other friends, she sounded like a crazy person rambling and barely mentioning the reason the messaged people. Her messages sounded insane. I told him if he wanted to try again to message me and he did. I told him before that I don’t want casual sex and he could get laid if he wanted to he didn’t need to come back to me. He had made a clean break, I wouldn’t have sent him another message after that. Why is he back in my life if he was clear about not wanting that before? I keep hoping that maybe he realized his reaction was wrong and missed me or something but in my life that feels like it is too much to ask for.

  Am I wrong to think maybe there is a second chance? He will have to talk to me when things aren’t working he can’t just text and run but other than that…

  Best,
  Nicole

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Absolutely not Nicole – you have every reason to believe there is a second chance. Relationships – confirmed, slow, or not always have trouble spots especially from outside sources.

    Solving them and gaining a better level ( more defined ) communication is a great benefit from patching things up.

    Now I’m not one to advise giving second and third chances to cheaters, abusers, and people like that but if it’s only a communication issue typically caused by outside forces – it can make you two stronger than ever before.

    If it works out consider it a test of strength for the both of you and a good sign your relationship can handle the unforeseen future problems too.

    Just make sure the next time he at least tries to get your story before someone else’s because all of this may have been avoided in the first place. But hey we all make mistakes and “fly off too quickly” especially when it centers around someone we really care about.

    I know for a fact if he didn’t care – he would NOT have freaked out. That’s for sure.

    Keep me informed and the best of luck to the both of you,

    Pete

    Reply Link
    • Nicole

      Hey Pete,
      Thanks for the advice. I think he made it clear. He doesn’t have time for people who aren’t involved in his activities. He said since we stopped seeing each other he’s picked up a lot of extra activities and unless someone is involved in them he’s likely not going to have time for a while to see them. I think he made it clear. I just don’t get why he bothered coming back into my life. Yeah he is attracted to me but not interested enough to do anything. I’m honestly tired of trying to make things right. He won’t give me time to talk to him. I think it’s best not to spend time on someone why won’t put time in for me. Maybe he would before this all happened but that’s not the case anymore. Do you think I’m over reacting?

      Best,
      Nicole

      Reply Link
• Manon

  Pete,
  I read a post about “Guys telling girls that they are thinking about her”
  What about this; I texted this guy (we are not dating) and I asked him if he was thinking of me. He replied so fast I thought I was going to fall flat on my face. He asked me if I had planted a baby monitor at his place. He did says yes he was.
  Once in a while I’ll ask him by text if he’s thinking about me (my sixth sense tells me that he does) he never replies to my question. Why does he do that? Have I scared him for life?

  Reply Link
• Baffled (again)

  You know, Pete, I thought of one more related question, and I am betting that every single woman on this site wonders the same thing.
  What happens in a guy’s mind AFTER a relationship is over (or, in my case, was definitely initiated and then never acted on).
  Do they ever think about the woman again? Maybe when a particular song plays, or when he’s fantasizing, or when he smells someone wearing her perfume?
  Is it out of the question that they might think of her in a positive way, with a bit of a smile about what could have been? Any chance there is some affection that lingers in the mind of a guy?
  I guess I am asking because I have always wondered about this issue — but for right now, I am still bummed that I got my dream offer, but didn’t get to have it play out. It’s a bummer, because I really liked this particular guy.
  … or is it more a case of “out of sight, out of mind?”

  Reply Link
  • Baffled (again)

    Sorry for the double post… computer user dysfunction!

    Reply Link
    • Peter White

      No problem Baffled – I wrote this post earlier but I do believe it will explain what goes on with a guy after the breakup.

      http://www.whydoguys.com/out-relationship-what-goes-mans-mind-after-breakup/

      Also this should explain a little more…

      (…)
      He claims this man, Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington women can both enter and recover from extreme emotional states a LOT faster and easier than guys can. If you think about it, it makes sense.

      We’ve all seen a woman burst into tears one moment only to be totally fine 5 minutes later.

      But when it comes to emotions, guys are a lot more “fragile.” (Hey who is he calling fragile? Haha!)

      Gottman says it’s because of evolution. Guys were evolved to be single taskers. To push everything out of their mind except the one thing they’re hunting.

      And because of that we’re slower to get into an emotional state and MUCH slower to get back out of it once we get there.

      He says it’s like swimming.

      Getting “emotional” for women is a lot like jumping off a dock into a lake.

      You get wet, sure. But the dock is right there and just a few seconds later you’re safe and dry…

      But for guys, “getting emotional” is like getting dropped in the middle of the ocean…

      Bobbing in the water.

      Surrounded by sharks.

      With land nowhere in site.

      You can read the full article here but I took out the part which is most relevant…

      http://www.dialteg.org/dirty-secrets-about-me-how-you-understand-men/

      Just a few things to keep you busy while I rework something else for everybody because I realize the topic of breaking up must be covered.

      Thanks again,

      Pete

      Reply Link
      • Baffled

        Thanks again Pete. Your viewpoint is really helpful and it was great to find a place to ask a couple of guy questions right out in the open. It helped me keep a lid on my urge to mope, and has been more comforting than you might even realize!

        Reply Link
• Beth

  I read some of your answers and thought you actually sounded like a normal guy who knew what he was talking about… Okay…. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone – and their business….I’ve always had a lot of guy friends because I’ve always wanted a brother (I have only sisters and was never permiscuous)… I recently moved back home and started getting close with a guy I’ve known for a while…. I’ve always been attracted to him but never thought anything of it… Our families do business together so it’s not like we don’t know that we are each good people who have just been through a lot…. He would go out of his way to see me and talk to me. His face would light up at me, and mine at his- and the attraction was obvious. He made me feel safe and protected…. Anytime I call, he answers. Anytime I text, he answers, and would do any favor I asked… We have this crazy fun and flirty chemistry that I love. But here is the thing… He’s married…. And i never thought I would flirt with a married man… And here is another thing- I’m an alcoholic and he knows it….. When we first started hanging out he said he wasn’t happy and that he felt pressure from his mom before she died to marry a good girl for his young kids… When I was drunk one time I said something along the lines of “if you weren’t married…..” and he said “don’t offer”…. Does that mean “ewww… Don’t say that” or “please don’t say that because I want you too” response?? It started getting very real very quickly that the possibility was there for something to happen. But lately he hasn’t been answering my texts…. I hate that I want a married man and I think he wants me to…. Is that why he’s avoiding me?? Or is it because he thinks I’m some crazy person he had his fun with? Deep down I don’t think k we could forgive ourselves if anything happened….. Maybe in another life it could’ve been different…. But I just want to know was he ever interested in me? Is he avoiding me because he respects me (and his wife) and doesn’t want me to put myself in a position to be the other woman or because he had his fun? Does he still care about me as a person?? And I’m worried I made all these things up in my head and I’m just being dumb about it all…. Omg help me I’m driving myself nuts!!!

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Me… normal??? Oh Beth, if you say so.

    My best guess is that his answer to your obvious test “if you weren’t married…” meant two things:

    One – “Don’t tempt me you know how badly I want you” and TWO: “Marriage might ruin our fun relationship because marriage somehow became something I was supposed to or had to do for family sake and not for amazing chemistry reasons..”

    Chances are he’s avoiding you because yes, he’s tempted and yes, he’s married with a wife and family to tend to. Chances are THAT will take precedent over texting you back. He’ll probably text you back more when he’s free to “fantasize” more and even when his family life feels too structured and predictable.

    I have no way of knowing how deep he cares for you or even what his intentions might be. The best clue I can give you there is something I’ve said before – we ALL act from the true nature of our character and rarely does that ever change unless we change the core of ourselves.

    Meaning – if you believe he will lose complete faith in himself if he were to cheat on his family ( I believe when we cheat on our wife and we have children we’re also cheating on them too ) then I would expect his true character to do anything and everything to avoid THAT from happening.

    But as with every human walking this planet – we do have weaknesses and succumb to temptation for more reasons than just pure excitement. Sometimes we do it to destroy the one thing we can not find a reasonable way out of. Such as a pre-formed relationship.

    That answer is as normal as it gets for me Beth.

    All the best to you and don’t beat yourself up for falling for a married man – feelings happen – we don’t ask for them – sure we may look for them or put ourselves in positions so they are more likely to happen but there’s no reasonable purpose to deny them or hate ourselves for them – only to remain strong as to not act on something which is not right.

    Use it as a guide to finding a man who has the same traits or use it to narrow down who the right guy for you is – and then go find him, get him, keep him, you know do whatever normal people do.

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Annie

  Hi, I hope you can answer my question. A guy at work has (had?) a crush on me, and even suggested in a joke a few times “that we hit it off”, and he would send me whatapps (text messages) all day flirting and just being caring and I will then reply in the same manner. I did like him, but I was so busy with my work that I tried to keep it “business only”. But then suddenly (within a day or 2) I fell head over heals for him and I just realised that I want him. he noticed it and then even flirted more which I liked as the flirting was mutual. The following day I missed a huge moment: – he came especially to me to bring something (which was a trip out of his way and a lot of trouble), and he then tried to kiss me “hello kiss” but I was shy and turned my head away. I could feel the tension between us, but the moment was gone. The next day, I dressed very nice (sexy), and he suggested that we go out after a meeting for a glass of wine (we work together) and I was super excited – thought I would make up for that kiss, just to discover after the meeting that he invited a few collegues to join us (of which one lady on whom he had a crush on before – but she was and is not interested in him, she is however single and aware of his crush. And she likes the attention). I was disappointed when I heard all going with us, especially when that lady told me he has send her an whatsapp to say she must PLEASE join us for drinks. So, instead of being “cool” and confident, I ended up talking about myself and how fantastic all my previous boyfriends were etc. I even showed someone a picture of a sexy friend (male). I knew I was blowing it, but i felt like a fool especially because he then knew I had fallen for him. also got the idea during the night that he still has a crush on the other lady (who is not interested in him). The next day he made NO contact with me, and I think he is avoiding me at the moment. Even an email about work he sends me was extremely formal. Its now about 4 days which he is avoiding me. I am so embarrased, but the reality is that I still like him a lot, and I want him. What now? Thanks, Annie

  Reply Link
• Grace

  Hi, so I recently went to a grad ceremony for my best friend, while I was sitting in the audience this guy beside me (around my age I’m 17) kept on staring at me! I never looked at him because I was trying to ignore him so he would stop staring. But he didn’t. He wasn’t creepy or anything I heard him talking to his grandma next to him and he was good looking. Why do you think he was doing this? I just remembered the exact same thing happened before to me a few years ago, except he was sitting in front of me, and kept on looking back at me, not any of the people I was sitting with just me. Do they think that the girl can’t see them looking at them? If the guy thinks the girl he notices is attractive why doesn’t he ask for her number or talk to her instead of staring? Thanks!!

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Grace – I’m a man a few words but I managed to help you understand what may have been going on.

    It’s in this post:

    http://www.whydoguys.com/do-guys-think-women-dont-notice-were-looking/

    Reply Link