Is He Confusing You? Leave Your Questions About Men Here And Get An Answer From A Real Guy

397 comments… add one

• Cooler

  Hi!

  Late last year I went along with being “set up” with a man who was a friend of a friend. You know how it is. He just hit 40 while I just hit 30. I was reluctant to the whole dating deal after a harsh breakup two years ago. I finally moved on and built myself up after that so I wasn’t looking into going through the motions again. But my friend had convinced me that this “new guy” was in the same shoes as I. He too, got out of a very toxic relationship two years prior but was finally ready to fall in love again and settle down. I gave in eventually as I realized that I want the same thing.

  We met, sparks flew and we were instantly attracted to each other. Having the same outlook on life, goals and interests helped as well. If anything, he had qualities that I had been searching for in a person for a really long time. I was getting good feedback from our mutual friend, so nothing had me thinking otherwise.

  After three months of dating, spending a lot of time together and to be honest growing closer – he even divulged to my friend that it has been the first time in a while where he felt completely comfortable being around someone-, I started wondering what was happening as he never made a move outside of flirting and our usual greeting/farewell hugs. I asked him about that after one of our dates and he told me that he felt the same way with wanting to kiss me, but that every time an opportunity came up, he didn’t take it and didn’t know why. He was still interested in seeing me, but wanted to take things slow.

  We continued seeing each other well into this year. Yet on his end, his flirting and his need for wanting to spend time together increased. I was puzzled by this because I naturally thought that he would back off a little with him wanting to take things slow and all. But I just thought that maybe he started to develop feelings for me. He then started introducing me to his friends and even some of his family. Then two months ago he drops off the face of the planet.

  He would either respond late to my texts or seem busy. When I finally got fed up with my attempts I eventually in a diplomatic way asked him what was going on. He eventually apologized for his behavior but that he had started hanging out a lot with his ex. The same ex who he and my friend described as very insecure, manipulative and was the main cause of them breaking up several times and him even having to travel abroad for a while to get away from her. He went on to say that him being distant has nothing to do with me as he hasn’t been spending time with anyone as of lately. I remember my friend telling me at one point that his mother was dying, that he was depressed -my friend told me this- and he wasn’t really happy with where his life was going being a man at his age. But he did say that if I wanted to, that I could contact him again so that we are able to spend time together.

  Did I just miss something?!

  At that point I didn’t know what to think as I truly try to put myself in the other shoes regardless of the situation. Try to consider everyone’s feelings. But I am feeling torn as one part of me feels hurt and angry and understanding on the other as I have been in the same situation before. Friends were also divided on the issue. Some say that I should move on. The mutual friend that I should distance myself from him for now until the thing with his ex fades out -to which my friend assured me it will as the ex is toxic-. Then my other friends are saying that I should meet him in person and talk about what happened.

  I waited a while to respond to his text (a couple of weeks) as I had become slightly “numb” concerning the issue as distancing myself from my emotions is a defense mechanism of mine to eventually become detached. But at the same time, I hate frayed ends when it comes to issues and prefer to talk directly. That last conversation we had was through text. And would rather sort it out to see if there is any chance of reconnecting or if a clean cut needs to be made.

  Eventually I mustered up the strength to call him on his open invitation to meet up. But again, when the day finally rolls around he says he’s busy and pushes the meet to a later day. Another week or so passes with nada so I eventually get fed up, pack up some things that he gave me along with some gifts that I had been meaning to give to him, and gave them to a mutual friend to pass along to him. Friend says they will be meeting him in the following week and will give them to him. The day after dropping off the package to our friend, he randomly messages me in the evening that he “is alive believe it or not” and was wondering if I was interested in getting some drinks with him. I blow him off by not responding. He texts me the following day wondering if I wanted to go sunbathing with him. I reluctantly respond by turning him down, but he urges me to meet him in a couple of days. I keep it short by stating that I’m open to it. He eventually gets the “package” and leaves a very long message on my voicemail, saying how sweet it was of me (the gifts), how he appreciated them and how he is looking forward to seeing me again.

  We finally agree on a day and we meet up after a month or two of not seeing each other. I had all of these questions/feelings running around pertaining to the friendship-relationship. Why talk about someone so openly in a negative light only to run back and start seeing them again. Why even tell your friend that your “heart has healed” and that you are willing to be set up with a woman who is close to your friend of 3+ years? Why even continue seeing, flirting, romancing and even go as far as introducing her to your close circle of relatives and friends if you still have feelings for an ex? But most of all what even puzzles me even more is that he still wants to see me. I’m trying to see things from his perspective…but the reasons don’t add up. Are we suppose to start spending time together as per usual in this state of limbo where I don’t know where exactly I stand with him and actions state something else? Is it to apologize for flaking on me so much these past months? At the time I just didn’t know and I still don’t.

  We eventually met up and everything seemed like normal when we first started dating. I went into it having a list of “hard” questions to ask but for some reason with the person in question in front of me, I just froze up. Now he says that he wants to spend time with me more, invite me over for dinner and make plans?

  He apparently is not seeing the ex anymore. But I can’t help but wonder what this guy wants. It’s now near eight months of being in limbo.

  Where should I go from here?

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• Michelle

  What does it mean if he asks, do you love me? For the past two weekends, the guy I’ve been seeing has asked me many times…do you love me? Does that mean he loves me and is seeing where I am? or what??

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Michelle,

    This is for you…

    http://www.whydoguys.com/what-does-mean-he-asks-do-you-love-me/

    Reply Link
• Taja

  He rarely texts me but always on social networks.
  He’s always saying he wants to see me but never makes an effort to.
  He goes to parties and gets sexually danced on by girls when i told him that that’s not okay.
  He’s very flirtatious on social sites to girls and it questions me.
  He’ll text me “hey baby” in the morning w/o talking to me the whole day before.

  the list goes on and I’m over it.

  He just dosent seem interested anymore. Or cares about my feelings. Only when I leave him alone is when he wants to appear in my life.
  I feel like he’s interested in other girls and is just still with me because he dosent want to start new with someone else and I’m easy access to sex.

  How do I break up so he knows I’m serious? Im not interested in talking about my feelings to him. I just want to cut him off. Any help?

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  • liv

    This has happened to me soooo many times… its really frustrating. The next time he texts you or whatever, just don’t respond. eventually he’ll probably call you or ask you about it if you see him, so when he does, tell it to him straight. if you have absolutely no interest in being friends with the guy; then just say this:

    I’m not a booty call, and you’ve made it clear thats all you’re interested in so find another girl. I’m sick of your bullshit. I gave you a million chances and you messed up every time, so now you’ve lost me.

    and if you really want to cut all ties and make it sting add “have a nice life” and walk away/hang up the phone

    Reply Link
    • Peter White

      Well put Liv… thank you.

      Prove you’re serious by backing up your words with action, restraint, and the absolute truth of what you believe – regardless of how they see it.

      Reply Link
• Sara N

  Hello Pete,
  My ex boyfriend contacted me after two years all of a sudden because he missed me . He was a player who just got out of a 2 year relationship and she broke his heart . He was telling me how I was different and he liked that I was a good girl and called me beautiful and we would talk on the phone for hours . All of a sudden he begins to distance himself but eventually over the course of a month we spoke again and we finally met up. We were just friends hanging out and all of a sudden he begins to kiss me . I asked what he was doing and he said I ask too many questions , he kisses me again and then thinks we are going to have sex but I said no and he said it’s okay we can just hang out then , he kisses me goodbye and tells me to call him . He says he also wants to come and see me . He speaks to me and after three days I ask why he kissed me , he just said I was asking too many questions and that I’m just making things complicated . He never answers my questions about his feelings . I stopped talking to him without warning . What did he want in the first place ? What happened ?

  Thank you ,
  Sara

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Sara,

    You can find your answer here:

    http://www.whydoguys.com/what-did-this-guy-really-want-up-player-moves/

    Reply Link
• summer camp drama

  Hey Mr Pete, i have been attending this camp during the summer (still have) and there is this guy i like an, we have each others numbers and we text and talk (in person )and have convos the phone sometimes, he has asked me to hang out with him but ive been really busy … his personality is quiet but he will talk if you say something to him but i wonder do he likes me?? Or at least intrested.?? please help.. i dont know what to say to him beacuse i dont know how he feels … please help thank you

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  • Peter White

    Nice name

    Here you go. Read this when you get a chance. Hope it helps you out a little,

    http://www.whydoguys.com/when-safe-assume-guy-interested-likes-why/

    Pete

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• confused and lost

  Hi, okay so i have been knowing this guy for about 4 or so weeks now i started crushing on him … we have talked on the phone sometimes…. ( recently) and has talked in person and texted …he has asked to hang out with me but I couldn’t because I’ve been busy. .. but his personality is: he’s a quiet person he keeps to himself but he will talk if you speak first. I wanna know if he feels the same way but I wanna know if hes interested ?? Or has he friend zoned me ?? Please help

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  • Peter White

    Hello Confused and Lost…

    I can’t tell if you’ve been friends zoned based on what you wrote BUT all the signs are there that he’s interested.

    You talk on the phone. You text with him. He’s asked you to hang out.

    From this point assume you have what it takes to attract a guy and for more information please read this post:

    http://www.whydoguys.com/when-safe-assume-guy-interested-likes-why/

    Thanks,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Betty

  Hi Peter,
  I have a question regarding a shy older (14 years older, i am 28) guy i have a crush on at work. Actually I started notice him 6 monts ago because he suddenly stopped me for a casual conversation and also teased me, . I thought it was odd because he did not know me very well, but I just smiled. 3 months ago I ran into him at work and he seemed very distant, and shy. He could’nt barely look me in the eyes. He did not say hi and acted very insecure and he gave me short answers, like he did not know what to say. Then he kind of joked with me in a cocky way, and laughed at my jokes to. . I was kind of flirty and smlied and tried to ask him questions. It seemed like he tried to hide something from me…. Time went by and every time I see him (not very often) now he becomes more chatty and open and is able to hold eye contact, but not during conversations. I can feel in his voice that he is very happy to talk to me, and he has started to ask personal question. I am always happy to see him and try to show him that. My question is : Is he just being friendly to the younger girl at work? Or could he be interested although he is so much older? I do not se him very often, but like to show him I am interested. How do you get an older shy guy ??
  And Peter, thank you for the most incredible website
  Betty

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi Betty,

    How do you get a shy older guy? Haha! Love it.

    This post might help you open him up a little:

    http://www.whydoguys.com/how-approach-shy-guy-when-talk-to-quiet-men/

    Now – of course he’s being friendly but trust me, that’s a good thing. Lots of guys need or believe or just like to be friends with the women they like first. Of course that gets them in trouble with attracting women and they put themselves in the friends zone because of it. This is very common among shy guys.

    As for the age – I’ve found most guys ( roughly ) around 24 and up don’t like to date much younger girls for reasons I won’t get into to BUT once you hit around your age I would expect any guy who like women to want to date you up to and including men who are 50+ .

    You’re at the perfect age for an older man. Shy or not. Men are men, shy or not, we all have certain triggers which are beyond our control so don’t worry about that. Read the post I mentioned above and see if that gives you any ideas on how to get your shy “old man” to open.

    And of course the best of luck to you,

    Pete

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    • Joneshia

      I am 19 years old (i know young) and I have never had a boyfriend! its not like guys don’t like me they do, just it never goes anywhere!! I keep telling myself maybe im too nice or not their type. Every guy ive liked has like me back, ive never once heard from their mouth that they like me though. for example, The only guy that has (after he lied about it) was a senior in high school and i was a sophomore. he was the guy every girl wanted. And he was only crazy about me. I even gave him my number yet he never texted me, but he stalked my house?!?! It is really lowering my self esteem and makes me feel like theirs something wrong with me, I have tried everything! opening up more, being confident, less clingy etc. Why is it so easy for everyone to be in a relationship but me? Its like guys only act weird around me but can date the next girl they sleep with. someone has told me guys want sexy girls not pretty girls, if so then there is nothing I can do about it

      Reply Link
      • Peter White

        Maybe the problem is them – not you.

        Some guys will tend to take the easy way in if it’s given to them but they’re usually NOT the good guys.

        I’m not saying to make it easy on them, merely they can be like water and take the path of least resistance because one, they don’t think they can get or keep the better ones and two, no one showed them how, and three, ( generally speaking ) they mature slower than women do of the same age.

        Remember this, self-esteem is internal and only YOU allow other people to take it from you but you don’t have to. A strong confident barrier protects your esteem. SO keep your head up.

        Also remember this, relationships are not easy for everyone. Most people actually get in them too quickly and it’s one of the reasons so many of them fail. They should happen naturally over time. They are built and not forced. They are entered in too quickly by people who don’t feel complete or assured in themselves.

        They want someone else to complete them instead of enhancing their already fulfilling lives.

        Maybe, just maybe, you’re the one who’s got it right and all those other guys don’t. Who’s to say either way until time reveals it.

        The next five years of your life you’re going to learn a ton about men and relationships and hopefully you’ll gain a better more clearer picture of what you really got to offer to a relationship with the right man. After a proper time. After a series of dates where they can overcome their weirdness around you.

        I obviously know nothing about you – what the “everything you tried” actually was or how you went about it – I know nothing of what you look like, where you come from, or the life you live on a daily basis…

        But I know enough to never ever allow other people to steal from you what is rightly yours – SELF-esteem and not “what other thinks about you esteem.”

        The men you meet will grow up ( some of them out ) – always change where you’re looking for them or how you meet them, and eventually you’ll being to see being a “nice” woman is a trait men absolutely adore and love IF and only IF their esteem is at least on your level or slightly higher.

        If they’re trying to steal it – that’s because they don’t believe they’re good enough for you…

        I do hope I’ve helped you out the best I can and in the very least, got you to look up and smile at least once for yourself Joneshia.

        Best to you,

        Pete

        Reply Link
• disappointed to a T

  Hi!!

  So I’ve met this guy by chance at work as I was walking by his desk. I had to walk his way twice and both times he stared at me.

  We don’t work in the same department so I don’t get to see him often , but everytime I do he’s staring at me in a kind of shy way. I went as far as thinking he was very shy. Like just the other day we catched the same elevator by chance, he was with his co workers and I were with mine, and he kept on making eye contact me and looking away. It made me feel so euphoric! I couln’t even keep eye contact , I was feeling so shy.

  Then yeah, I’ve met him a couple of times by chance and I was dying to find out his name. So I digged and then I eventually figured it out and went to check his facebook page and guess what? He has a girlfriend!!

  It made me feel so disappointed because I was really into him and not long ago he has posted a photo with her , saying something like: my everything.

  It made me feel sad but I let it go. I haven’t seem him since the last day in the elevator and I don’t know what I’ll do if he keeps on staring at me. I’ll probably stare at my feet feeling stupid and feeling the disappointment all over again.

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  • Peter White

    Hi!!

    My advice would be to become friends with him while you’re looking elsewhere for a guy who makes you feel the same way because relationships don’t always last. I’m NOT saying cause the breakup but find a way to stay in very casual friendly touch that way, if anything happens – you’ll still be in his mind.

    Just make sure you’re looking elsewhere AND don’t jump at a date if they breakup – let him get over it first so you don’t become a rebound.

    Sound good?

    Trust me ( We ) tell guys to do this all the time. It helps them in a lot of ways and as long as their dating other women – being causal friends with an attraction can be a lot of fun.

    Good Luck to you T and hope you’re not disappointed with my response… Smile

    Pete

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• confused by his actions

  Hi Pete, I’ve recently been talking to this guy on the phone he has admitted that he used to think I was cute three years later back when we was in high school but why tell me now? Three years later ?? but anyway. . For the past days he has sent me good morning texts then followed up by asking how I slept …
  Why does he do this?? and I texted him and called him “baby” and he was like “baby”?? And i said do you have a problem with me calling u baby and he said “I dont care” what does this mean ??… I dont understand him…. please help pete thanks…..

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  • Peter White

    He told you now because it was his way of telling you – he’s interested in you. Hey what can I say – some guys are a little slow and like to take things at a snail’s pace.

    Now, guys who send you wake up texts – like you! They’re making themselves your first memory after waking up. Kind of like he’s trying to say he wishes he was there with you.

    Girlfriends and boyfriends call each other baby a lot – so it’s assumed it’s a relationship thing. This means he’s probably thinking you’re already in relationship mode. That could be a good thing or a bad thing.

    In his case – he does care and just doesn’t want you to know that he’s loving every minute of it. Otherwise he’d have no reason to send you “relationship” type text in the morning, would he???

    Haha! You see – we’re not really that confusing, are we?

    Pete

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• Carla Hernandez

  Hi! Well I’ve liked this guy for about two years. It’s a hopeless crush that’s never went away. We used to be somewhat close. Like friends. We talked until we got into middle school and that ruined our friendship. He was always so nice to me and gave me compliments. He found out I liked him around the end of 6th grade. Someone went off and told him. We had one class in 7th grade and he would always stare at me in that class or in the halls or in lunch. Mostly everywhere. This year in 8th grade We had our first period class together and he would always stare when i walked in or he would ask me for paper , my sharpener, or a pencil. His group of girl friends knew i liked him but they were always nice to me. All his guy friends know too. He’s just weirs cuz hes been staring at me all this past year and tryin to make conversation with me but let me say im very shy and i can show i like him. it sucks i know. but anyways it looks like he wants to talk to me again but he never did all year hes flirted a bit casually. he gets jealous when im talkin to some of my guy friends. he’s been liking my stuff on facebook for the past two months since schools been out and before then. It confuses me cuz if he shows interest why doesnt he make a move. hes had many girlfriends over the gears but they last atleast three weeks now hes been single for a few months and he says he doesnt believe in love. But there he is liking my pics and ither girls pics on facebook that we go to school with. I dont know of hes a player or a flirt but its annoying and i need help cuz i cant get over him at all after all this time. ive asked family and close friends for advice but nothing works and i dont want to makw the first move. So please it would mean the world if you could help me out in anyway since i have a chance of getting over him since im going to a different high school. Thank you.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Oh Carla Carla Carla – First – you wrote, “looks like he wants to talk to me again but he never did all year hes flirted a bit casually” In my world or from a guy’s point of view that means talking to you.

    If he gets jealous – it means he likes you otherwise he wouldn’t care who you were talking to.

    I’ve found guys who say they don’t believe in love – actually just don’t feel a woman could love them and use that as a way to make them feel better about it.

    This tells me his esteem is low and it would explain why he won’t move ahead with you. He’s also going from girl to girl which tells me he always feels like he’s settling and only the girls he doesn’t want – like him back. Destroying his confidence or ability to be loved even more.

    I can’t tell you what to do with him – especially if you don’t want to make the first move. All I can do is help alleviate some of your confusion and allow you to see the bigger picture of a guy like this. It’s not the ultimate answer but I believe it will help you now and in the future because you’re going to run into a lot of guys who don’t feel confident or say they don’t believe in love or who are afraid or don’t know how to make those first moves and I can tell you honestly – it’s 99% all the time THEM and not you.

    Sure there are things you can do to coax him along a little but it’s something they need to do mostly on their own terms or it just doesn’t feel right.

    Best to you Carla,

    Pete

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• Veronica

  Hey, I have a question. I’m really confused about a guy I like.

  He’s my brother’s friend and is 2 years younger than me. One day he messaged me and that night we talked a lot. Since then, we would talk every few days and he usually started the conversations. Most of the time he would see my message but not reply.

  The times I had messaged him first, he was confused about why I was initiating the conversation. He wasn’t ever rude about it, just confused. He even said it was because I hadn’t messaged him in 100 years, even though I did and he just ignored them.
  I have a tendency to latch on to only one person, wanting to talk to them 24/7 before they give up on me, which is what always happens.
  This guy said I’m his friend, but also that he likes me more than a friend.

  So I have a few questions.
  Is the fact that I’m older than him possibly bothering him?
  Do I annoy him?
  Does he want to to stop talking altogether?

  Please help I’m really desperate for an answer.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hey Veronica – NOPE you being older is not bothering him but it definitely has him thinking, “Why would a hot older woman want me?” It’s very common.

    I doubt he wants to stop talking to you altogether, but he’s probably thinking, “If I answer her quickly she’ll think I’m a needy wuss who doesn’t know a thing about women and since she’s older – she probably knows more about this stuff then I do.”

    I have no way of knowing whether you’re ignoring him or not – that would depend on the actual conversations you’re having and how many times a day you message him AND how he feels about you. Lots of guys love a few messages a day from a woman they’re interested in but that doesn’t mean they’re going to respond. BUT they will read them and smile.

    If you’ve had a problem with latching onto guys too quickly and them seem to become irritated by it – why not use this guy to break the cycle?

    It’s not easy -after all I use to do the same thing with women so I completely understand where you’re coming from BUT it is possible. Focus on other things. Turn off your ability to see if he reads your messages ( guys hate that )

    All you really need to do is believe in yourself – stay in the present so you can catch yourself. Understand no guy is going to just stop liking you because you’re not up their ass all the time. In fact they’ll like you more if you learn to stay away and remain focused on YOUR life just a little more than them.

    It’s possible Veronica – and judging by his age – he probably has a short attention span anyways so don’t worry if you message a little too much. Younger guys are kind of like that…

    You can do it and I’m telling you that you can,

    Pete

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• Adinda

  So I went to a party with some family friends and this guy I have a thing for was there and I spent the day before hanging out with him and talking to him (for the first time) and when I got to the party he was playing basketball with his friends and I didn’t feel like I knew him well enough nor did I want to interupt them so I just walked past without saying hey and I stopped and gave his little sister a hug and he stares at me . Then for the rest of the night he was trying to make me laugh and entertain me . When his family was leaving I gave both of his siters hugs and I just said bye to him and he looked dissapointed by my lack of attention to him. Does it mean that he’s into me or was I just overthinking it?

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  • Peter White

    I don’t think you were over thinking it all – that comes later for you.

    It seems to me he was more disappointed that he didn’t get a chance to talk to you again but all is not lost. These things happen and will probably engage his interest in you even more.

    So yes – it is a good sign he’s into you or at least interested enough to be disappointed.

    Hope you two find another time to catch up – Oh yeah, if he asks about why you didn’t pay attention to him at the basketball game then you’ll definitely know how much he’s into you.

    Best to you Adinda,

    Pete

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• Lauren

  Hello,

  There is a guy who tells me he is sweet on me, thinks I’m a great girl, cute, etc. We talk on the phone sometimes, and text. He is very cuddly in person too. Here’s the catch, he has a girlfriend. When he first said he liked me, he said he wasn’t going to “jump ships” and we should go with the flow and enjoy the ride. We said at the end of the day we are just friends and getting to know each other but I’m still confused. Does he really just want to be friends or am I a back up option? I just don’t know what it is he wants.

  I know he has problems with his girlfriend from what he has told me, basically he is over it because she can be secretive. Not sure how much of that is true.

  So what is going on here?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Lauren,

    I would say you’re definitely not a back up option – but an alternative AND since he’s obviously not fully committed to her, he probably ( eventually ) won’t settle for just a friendship with you.

    Guys who are even close to 100% dedicated to their girlfriends don’t set themselves up with other girls – telling them the things he has told you.

    It would be my best guess that when he said “we should go with the flow” AND “enjoy the ride” that means – “I’m willing to cheat on my girlfriend with you as long as YOU’RE the one who starts it. Maybe I’ll start it if things get real bad with her and I’ll keep you around just in case.”

    I could see a guy just wanting to be friends, although it’s rare, but when there are other factors or signs – like telling you how cute you are, a great girl, being cuddly, telling you he is having problems with his current girlfriend that a real friendship is not only impossible, but highly unlikely to be just that.

    Hope that helps you figure out what’s really going on Lauren and all the best to you,

    Pete

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    • Lauren

      Hi Pete,

      Thank you! This makes a lot of sense

      He is now doing the distance thing, (like not ignoring just distant)
      doesn’t hang around, text or call. so I’m guessing he might have gotten bored, lost interest, or things could be going well again with the girlfriend. Who knows.. :/
      & I’m not the type to chase to find out.

      Thanks again,
      Lauren

      Reply Link
      • Peter White

        You’re welcome Lauren – and think of the space as his little way of showing he’s not needy AND that he has a girlfriend.

        Nothing else. Us guys – we’re kind of simple and don’t get bored or lose interest that easily.

        Seriously though – more from Rori – quick advice I have to throw in because it say a little about the whole chasing thing.

        It’s a hot topic I’ve yet to fully put into words.

        Are You Chasing Him And Don’t Even Know It? Showing Too Much Interest
        http://www.dialteg.org/rori-raye-rules-love-attracting-men/chasing-him-showing-interest/

        Pete

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        • Lauren

          Sorry to keep this going haha

          You were right, it was just space and backing off.

          It’s weird cause sometimes when I show more interest in him he comes back. Like I ended up messaging him, to tell him he was right about a guy that he said was hitting on me and I said was just being friendly. Anyway, we flirted for a bit after and I eventually said “so do you still want to do lunch?” Because he had asked me two-three times a few weeks before and I had been too busy.

          He later asked why I wanted to do lunch after all this time, I said there wasn’t really anything to it.

          Anyway then he began to be more attentive again and for lunch he drove an hour to pick me up, arrived early (he said he made a stop so he wasn’t too early), paid for lunch, said I looked beautiful, asked me if I had feelings still, I said “honestly it comes and goes”
          He said his didn’t come and go.

          we hung out a bit and then he messaged me after to say he had a good time.

          I don’t get the vibe that he wants a relationship, so I think your assumption about the affair as long as I initiate is right.

          Reply Link
• adele

  Hi Pete,
  I want to ask you about the guy I am knew in my work place, first I am mention him during orientation, I didn’t close to him yet, but I what realize is he stare at me (just because he knew we’re came from same state or he feel I am attractively) which is uncomfortable to me. First day, I met him at level 1 we are cross each other, suddenly he say hi to me, instead I am just smile to him (I don’t know to say but I am happy finally the guy greets me). Second day, we met again in elevator, he ask me about basic info which province I come from and I am answer him (the way he talk full of confident and smile) before we leave. Third day, we met again, he ask me again some basic info about which area I live, which transporttation I used to go to work, and I ask him the same question too. Fourth day, I came down with elevator and suddenly met him at basement 3, I bring the monkey case along with me, and it hard to handle, he found me difficult and help me, and this time I am begin the conversation, ask him either he has holiday for raya celebration, sadly he didn’t answer through voice instead of body language (he face look so curious and stare me deeply, or I ask the wrong question to him) I am slightly disspointed, and at the same time I do understand if he has pressure from his department or desperate of something maybe. Well I need to know the guy character, emotion, etc. Finally I feel caring about him and wanted to be his friend. Hopefully Pete well answer my problem soon, thank you.

  Reply Link
• Honey

  So, I’m married and have fallen for a married man. A little background: we dated at 16 (once or twice), tried again after high school once more, lost touch and ran into each other in our 30’s. We were never intimate because I always refused. The attraction for me was too strong and it scared me. And, for whatever reason, I always felt that he would break my heart. In October 2014, we ended up at a party together and have been talking ever since. I figured it would be a sexual relationship and would end quickly. However, we have yet to get together. I am so confused.

  There were times in the beginning when he would contact me and we would talk all day (via text). I always tried to keep our convos about sex and sometimes he’d change the subject. We’ve reminisced about the first time we dated which was initiatd by him. And he’s talked about his children with me. Recently, I reached out and he told me he was thinking about me. That was a first. Now, I’ve shared my feelings several times by saying, “I miss you” and have told him that he makes me feel alive again. As soon as it came out of my mouth I regretted saying it. Why? Because, I know that it usually makes guys pull away or get way to comfortable. And, let’s not forget, we’re married. We’ve tried to meet but something always happens on his end or mine that prevents it.

  So, here’s the question. Why is it that sometimes he’s cold and doesn’t contact me for weeks and other times he’s just as sweet and will text for hours? And, based on what I’ve said, is he also having deep feelings for me?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi Honey,

    Without getting too deep here, I’d say he goes cold because of guilt. He’s probably trying hard to keep his distance but as we’re all human – that may not be the easiest thing to do.

    You also have to keep in mind that his history with you has not been all that promising. You have refused him in the past but now, that he’s taken by marriage, and so are you – then you come to him “hinting” you’re now ready by being overly sexual. That alone would confuse a guy enough to make him a little uneasy and have him pulling away for weeks at a time.

    He’s fighting it – you – but is not completely sold on the fact that “something” might happen. He may even feel like that if he gives in even a little, you’ll run from him or pull back, or refuse like you have in the past.

    I can’t say how deep his feelings are but I can say there’s definitely some sexual tension going on and he probably has NOT lost his attraction to you. You’re like the one who got away from him. Someone he never got to fully experience. Maybe you are intertwined with some regrets he’s had in the past and reminder of those regrets.

    A man’s attraction often lasts for a very long time even if after they marry, settle down, or experience other women. We tend to hold on a little too much to our past women – especially if we feel we failed in the past with them.

    Be careful honey – marriages are at stake here. But that’s just my two “sense” and obviously I like to refrain from passing judgments because I have not walked in anyone else’s shoes but my own.

    All the best to you Honey,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• anamaria lopez

  I want to know
  why do guys lead you on
  saying he likes you
  but than says he doesn’t
  than he does again
  like why is he doing that to me.
  reply as soon as you can
  I mean I really like him
  but he like sending me mixed emotions.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Seems to me Anamaria if a guy is saying “he likes you” but then makes it a point to say he doesn’t like you he’s probably only pointing out certain things he doesn’t like about you.

    He appears to be unskilled in how and what he’s communicating to you AND/OR you’re not reading what he’s really saying.

    I don’t see that he’s leading you on or sending mixed emotions.

    If a guy “likes you” it does not guarantee he likes everything about you and honestly, unless you have serious issues, it is usually them and not you.

    I say – if you really like him – communication is something you both should focus on getting right, otherwise you’re going to drive each other crazy trying to “always read between the lines.”

    Now if a guy ( or him ) is truly leading you on, although you might not be able to help like him, it is in your best interest to look elsewhere for a guy who is not just as interested in telling you what he doesn’t like about you ( or himself for that matter ) AND who knows how to communicate positively.

    Remember when most men appear to be sending you mixed emotions it’s usually because they’re unsure themselves on how they feel or how to communicate it so they don’t send you running ( bad men and jerks aside ) their intentions are not meant to hurt you – they’re just confused themselves.

    All the best to you Miss Lopez,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Nicole

  Hi Pete,
  I met a guy through an event couple of months ago when my friend invited me to join. From the second me and this guy met I could feel there was sth between us. But I wasn’t single so I implied him the fact while chatting with one another. I guess I wanted to resist this chemistry so that’s why I did it.
  However, we just bonded so quickly. Although we chatted averagely once a week, but we could spend hours on different topics every single time. And the two of us tried to find excuses to meet up based on our ‘friendship’. Although there was not much of physical contacts, but you’d know the feelings were there. He was willing to help me with something, I also could feel he treated me differently among our mutual friends.

  Then finally he asked me out to grab a drink after one month since the time we met, I said yes. Both of us were tipsy, and we had intimacy.On the next day we spent the whole time together, he was telling me that he doesn’t consider we took an impulsive move but he doesn’t want to force me to break up with my bf. Also, he claimed that he would want to have a convo abt how we feel abt what happened after his job was temporarily finished.
  I didn’t text him a lot until it was over. However, I felt he was sort of shunning me after all this. So I asked him, then he confessed that he was never breaking up with his gf, just him not knowing if she is the one he wants to spend life with while he told our friends he has broken up with her. I was not that surprised nor hurt because I’ve seen this a lot.
  But we asked each other the same question, that was ‘why don’t we break up with the ppl with us?’ Based on our convos, we are just too cowardly to break up because we stupidly think this is a way not to hurt our bf/gf even though we know we wouldn’t go for them 100% and the relationship won’t be everlasting.
  After all these days, I try hard not to think of him yet I still do. Sometimes I don’t think much of him due to the fact that I recalled the things he said to me. I.g. he can easily bond with someone else or the decision of not breaking up with his gf were only affected by himself and her.
  The last time we texted to each other, he made a joke and said he did that because he likes me (right after he confessed), I don’t know what was that even meant yet found him not the person I thought he would be. Nevertheless, I still cannot get over with him. I know this whole thing makes myself an awful person, but I am really having a hard time understanding this guy. Probably is because we never talked abt how we felt to each other. Still… what is he thinking anyway?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Sorry to hear about all this Nicole. I don’t see how you’re an awful person – you just allowed yourself to get caught up in something and you made a decision to let something happen with a guy who more likely than not, played you.

    I would ask you to NOT read too much into him – as hard as that might be or even unfair of me to ask. BUT what really is there to understand – he cheated on his girlfriend which as best I can tell – was already broken up or not – he said he wanted to talk about what happened – but never made the effort to do it – he asked you out for drinks and while you were a little drunk he managed to have sex with you – you’ve already concluded the type of guy he is and despite the connection you’ve made with him – he’s proven to you to be unreliable, unfaithful, and not worth any more of your time.

    It seems to me when a guy makes you feel like an awful person – or puts you in situations where others will get hurt – or has you questioning things like this – he’s not thinking about you, he’s only considering himself and doesn’t appear to care about the people he’s hurting.

    As awful as you might be feeling – it happened – and as trivial as this sounds – it’s better it didn’t go any further and it could be much worse, you could be his ( Girlfriend or Ex ).

    Trust we ALL make mistakes Nicole… Hell I make at least two a day myself and as the people around me might forgive me or not – owning up to them is sometimes all we can do. Accept it happened. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person unless you continually do bad things to good people to gain superiority over them because that is the mark of a bad person…

    Something which I bet you’re not!

    All the best to you Nicole,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Miss LA

  Peeeeeeeeet!

  Sorry if it’s about the guy who pouted in the corner. I ignored his nonsense for a good couple months. If you still remember the drill – I asked help, nothing happened between us, he got fuming mad.

  At a turning moment, one of my humility gurus instructed me to reach out to those in pain (anger). I did oblige because I have long believed that life is not about winning, or proving you are right and the other is wrong. I handed the pouting guy a letter, carefully avoiding the word you or anything that would put him in a defensive mode along with my phone number. Here goes:

  I’m sorry you’re still upset. It’s hard to clear the smoke when I’m at the receiving end of stony silences & cold shoulders. I don’t expect that we meet eye to eye on what happened since we are both in that place feeling disrespected, judged & misunderstood. Nonetheless, I’m putting it all behind. I’d like to talk to you.

  Then came the text messages:

  Him: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Disrespect? I’m not one to chat at the gym. I don’t want to be bothered while I lift.

  Me: I feel disrespected whenever I’m avoided on purpose while trying to find out the reason. Like I said I don’t want to dig up the past. The note was more of an apology.

  Him: Thank u.

  Me: So you’re still upset. Can I make it up to you?

  Him: How?

  Me: Between returning the favors at the gym & buying you dinner, I’d rather just go out. I don’t have those muscles.

  Him: I’m seeing someone else. I can only look at you.

  Me: That’s fine.

  Him: I’m not one to talk at the gym. Just a wave.

  Me: (I didn’t answer. I was feeling irritated)

  Him: Just send a pic of yourself & we’ll call it even.

  Me: (At this point I deleted his number)

  Him: I’m not one to chat at the gym.

  Me: (I tried to block incoming msgs )

  Him: I’m not one to chat at the gym.

  Him: Can we agree not to talk at the gym?

  Me: I don’t want to talk any further. Let’s be ok & lose the number.

  Pete, pardon me. Prior to these exchanges, I ignored his antics while he tried to deliberately engage me. Strategically placing himself near my place and storming out as soon as I get there. Passing by me several times to display an air of disgust. Silent treated me when I asked what’s wrong. All the while staring at me when he thinks I’m not looking. I was the one who didn’t talk for a few months while he tried to squeeze out a reaction from me. And now he’s telling me he’s not one to chat at the gym.

  I guess the most shocking bit is the request for my pic? What’s his purpose? Berate me among his friends showing he gained the upper-hand? Show it to everyone this girl has been chasing him? I do notice that his workout buddies have been talking about me.

  Honestly, what’s with the pic. I really felt horrible someone would dish this out? Pete, did I really impress on him that I was trashy? I was horribly, horribly hurt!
  Help me get centered again. Awwww and thanks!

  Your Cheerleader Who Won’t Jump Through The Hoops

  Reply Link
  • Miss LA

    Just a follow-up to my original post, a friend of mine who is good with women, had this to say – ‘he’s banking that you would be upset by his actions, upset enough that you would give in to his whims. He’s playing you.’

    Granted, I still don’t get the part where he said “I’m not one to chat at the gym” while he doesn’t have an audience & I was being oblivious to his passive-aggressiveness. Is that his run-away excuse because I called out a disrespectful behavior? Why did he keep repeating those messages? On to that part of the pic, he said he’s seeing someone else and can only look at me. So why would he request a pic? What is he going to do with it? Am I some sort of perversion in his eyes? Ewwwwwwwwww!!!! I feel so insulted!

    Finally, when I ignored his request, he asked me if we can agree not to chat at the gym. In my mind, I’ve already been doing that while he tried to provoke me to react at all. But nada. Everything he said didn’t make sense.

    I do need to make sense of it though so I can better be prepared to deal with future circumstances if anything like this should happen again. Hey, I’m banking on you

    Oh and the humility exercise has help me better my relationships with friends, co-workers & family.

    Thanks Pete for being The Man among menchildren.

    Your Wannabe Humble Cheerleader

    Reply Link
    • Peter White

      Miiiiisssss Lllll Aaaaaa!!!!!!!

      Easy there…. Saying my name like that is only for a privileged few.

      But still keep the cheers coming or else I’ll request a pic. :p

      Interested guy huh? Sounds like he was trying to put you down a peg to make himself feel better. It’s probably what he does.

      You see – asking arrogantly for a picture was probably his way of turning you into an object and not a person. The purpose would be to notch himself up, when engaging your emotion, to see how mad you get.

      He might figure – I’ll gain the upper hand. Piss her off. She’ll like me even more. If that doesn’t work then at least I’ll get the picture off of her.

      Worst case scenarios… I either get her wrapped around my finger – keep her in the wings wanting me – or I get a hot picture of Pete’s cheerleader.

      His repeated message reminded me a something lots of us have done if we grew up with a brother or sister, “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching. I’m not touching.”

      You’re friend was right – throwing fire on the fuel to see how ramped he can get you – probably hoping for something more on his terms with you begging for it.

      Unfortunately this type of thing DOES work – rarely though.

      Luckily it’s a number’s game and I’m assuming the few women who do fall for it – see it but want the guy anyways and see right through his bullshit thinking there’s a better man deeper below. When usually the guy below is far worse because once he learns her secrets – he has more “childish tactics” to use against her.

      Now… Why would you feel hurt – His actions ( of treating you like an object ) only proved that he himself is a few drips away from turning the shallow end of the pool into a dried up puddle.

      And as you’ve already found out – he’s doesn’t like to “chat” while he’s working out – because he doesn’t have a clue about how to talk to women so he resorts to name calling – pouting – bullying, etc…

      I think the whole point would be – yes, some guys you do have to open up and they can appear to be playing silent and prove to be “better” men BUT ANY sign of a “immaturity” means you’re not going to find a grown-up inside.

      At the first sign of pouting…. walk away. You won’t ever find a mature answer. You can treat a child like an adult all you want, and some of them do ACT grown up once in a while, but it doesn’t change the fact they are still a child who need structure. Something which is not your responsibility to give or even offer,

      I’m sure you’re pretty centered – cheerleaders have great balance and bounce back quickly.

      Oh and cheerleaders don’t take the opposing fans attitude personal – they use it as inspiration to win the game and know fully well – without the opposing team…. it turns into a boring forfeit.

      Yours truly,

      Peeeeeeet!

      Reply Link
      • Miss LA

        Oh ho ho you are so right. I am centered

        You just cleared this emotional smokescreen and I could see through clearly. Thanks for being straight about it. I’m actually learning by taking perspective of the other side.

        I am equipped by your posts in persand have been inspired to write about itWhen this comes to fruition, I will definitely share it with you.

        In the meantime, I’m enjoying your work while virtually firing cheers at you

        Pete’s Cheerleader from LA

        Reply Link
• Jeanie

  How much do looks matter? I met a guy who has bad teeth. There is a saying “if a guy has bad teeth…they don’t take care of themselves”. Just like “if a woman takes care of her nails..she takes care of herself”. So what do you tell a guy if you don’t like their teeth?? Do you say anything? Is it something that I have to get over? Please let me know.. Thanks

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Tough one Jeanie – I’m assuming you really like this guy but his teeth are getting to you.

    First I suppose – you’re the only one who can answer if his “look” matters that much to you.

    Secondly – IF you’re open enough with him you can say something. Try and start it with something like, “Baby… I’m worried about you.” and NOT ” I like you but…”

    You might have to slowly introduce him to the idea that you WANT him to be healthy. You WANT him to be around. You WANT him in your life but – as studies have shown, the Teeth are a great measure of someone’s long-term health.

    They normally don’t rot or stink accidentally fora lack of care. ( Although over years no care = no teeth. BUT with healthy habits they can easily healthfully fall out. )

    It’s a diet and exercise thing. It’s a heart thing. It can be a diabetes thing. Basically, like I said it’s normally a sign to a future health.

    That’s what you introduce to him. NOT your teeth are ugly – BUT “I’m worried about you because I freaking care you dope!”

    Now if it’s just a cosmetic thing – make an exchange – “Baby… let’s get on a looking great kick. You make me feel so good I want even more confidence. You’re like a drug. I’ll do this…. what would you change bout yourself?”

    Hopefully this helped you Jeanie and I’m wishing you all the best of luck in communicating to him how you really care – in hopes that’s how he takes it,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• help

  Hi, I would love your advice about a certain situation I am in now but Im too afraid to post it publicly. Is there anywhere else I can send you my story?? Thanks!

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi – yes, there are several ways to contact me. I can’t guarantee that I respond to everyone. I try but it’s just not possible.

    You can join my newsletter and in it, you’ll find an email to send your question – http://www.whydoguys.com/

    On the bottom of my posts ( not pages ) you’ll find why do guys facebook page and my twitter. Both of them can be used to send a private email AND I never share anything that you don’t want to be shared.

    Thank you!

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Mitchka

  Hi Pete,
  I met this guys on a cruise and had absolutely no hopes of actually continuing any sort of communication afterwards, yet he would be texting me a couple times a month about how when he came to LA we “were definitely going to hang out.” I didn’t get my hopes up, as he is 18 and so am I. But he ended up coming a couple weeks ago and he kept texting me that “I want to see you and get to spend time with you and my friends.” We would try to set up times to see each other, but we kept missing each other. But after a couple days of him being in LA, he stopped returning my texts. On his last day I sent him a message that read “I don’t think you’re a bad person, but you have definitely lost my respect as a person and a friend.” He sent back a massive pharagraph about how he knew the entire time he wasn’t going to be able to hang out with me and that his friends didn’t want to and how I’m an amazing girl, ect. I just don’t understand why he didn’t just tell me that in the beginning, I mean I wouldn’t have been offended because he would’ve just told me the truth. And I get it, he’s known those friends for a much longer time than he’s known me. I just don’t get the need for the lies

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi Mitchka,

    He probably didn’t tell you that in the beginning because he wasn’t sure how much you liked him or even if it would matter to you.

    You see he did try to set up a few things but it didn’t work out. in fact you wrote “we” tried to set up times which tells me he felt it didn’t matter that much to you and just maybe he was positive sooner or later it would.

    When he realized it was too late or it wasn’t going to happen, rather than deal with pissing you off, he took the easy way out. Mainly because no one likes to be yelled at. No one likes to be told they’re wrong. No one likes to admit we’ve screwed up.

    But worst of all for guys – we will do anything and everything we can to avoid letting someone we like down. That feels worse. If he knew he was going to let you down – it was too painful for him to man up to it. Probably why he lied.

    Despite the age thing – despite his friends – I know if I was totally into a girl I would do anything to see her when I finally got the chance UNLESS I was scared shitless that you would not be “into” my lifestyle.

    You saw him at his best and he was probably worried showing you anything more would cause you to lose interest.

    Most guys choose at least one night with a woman over their if they’re truly attracted to her. Most 18 yr old guys will definitely choose a woman to hang out with once.

    This tells me what I wrote above – how he felt he had to live up to the person you met before – and it got him so worried, he clammed up, screwed it up, self-sabotage – avoided finding out the truth.

    Hope that clears it up a little for you Mitchka,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Jeanie

  Why is it when I like a guy they dont like me and when they like me I dont like them?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hello Jeanie – just posted this up for everyone including you. Hope it helps a little.

    http://www.whydoguys.com/why-guys-you-like-dont-want-you-dont-want-ones-who-do/

    Reply Link
• samantha

  So I met this guy on a dating app and I know its cliche’ but I gave it a shot. We both happened to be on vacation in the same place at the same time so we decided to meet up. I was with my friend and he was with his, he was very nice and funny we had a couple drinks at the bar and went back to his place to go check out the hot tub. Back at his place we had a few more drinks, listened to music, danced around and then went to the hot tub. The whole night he was making eye contact with me and making me laugh. We were all having what seemed like a good time , until my friend wanted us to go it was like 3am and we called a cab to take us back to our place. Keep in mind this guy wasn’t very touchy feely or creepy or giving me any sign he wanted to hook up, so after the cab was called he got up from the table we were all sitting at and walked over and turned on the tv and sat on the couch by himself so naturally we all got up (including his friend) and joined him. I sat on the floor and made a joke about sitting on the floor with the bugs (because there were a couple little beetles previously) to which then he responded with well you can sit up here with me. Soooo I did we were still talking and laughing on the couch and then all of the sudden he got up and sat down on a recliner across the room? Long story short the cab came over he gave me a half hug goodbye and it wasn’t until I was almost back to our place that I realized I left my stuff I tried texting him the next day and he let me know that I could get my stuff back when he was back in town we both lived in the same city as well and I agreed to this. Well needless to say he never really texted me about meeting up I did all the work and finally he told me to come over whenever one night to get my stuff and he gave me his address. Interesting thing was he told me his phone was being weird and to text his roommate when I was on my way. I got to his house called his roommate and his friend comes out with my stuff in his hand tries to make small talk and then handed it over to me. He didn’t even come out himself to do it. So now I’m in a confused spot is he just not interested in me if so I get it but why is he treating me like an awkward hookup we literally did NOTHING the most action I had was a half hug. Or did he take something the wrong way? I guess I could just use a guys perspective on the whole thing and if hes not into me why does he have to act like a total ass?

  Reply Link
• Hanka

  Hiya,
  So, one day in the afternoon, I was in the school library and there were two guys that were sitting on the opposite desk. One of the guys started making eye contact with me and tried flirting even though I wasn’t very responsive. I kind of liked on the inside it as I’ve never had this sort of attention before from a guy but it was very strange because they were 3 years older than me and one of the cool kids. The second guy was cute as well but really shy and my typical type, he kept on staring at me and didn’t say a word. After half an hour later, I decided to go home, it was pouring down outside and they asked me if I wanted a walk to the bus stop. Of course, I said no but they still did anyway and yeah… it was slightly awkward.
  The next day at school, the first guy who tried flirting with me was with another girl; I wasn’t really bothered because he was a jock and flirted with everyone. However, while I was walking through the hall, I saw the second guy (who was shy the previous day) with more cool kids and some girls and he made eye contact with me. It was only for a few seconds but I felt really giddy. Over the past few days, he kept on looking at me briefly when we walked past until one day we spoke. It was in the library and he was by himself and we had a small conversation. One time he was walking me with another of his mates and he gave me a hug and we spoke a few times after. After that though, every time we walked pass the hall, he would avoid eye contact with me, everytime I tried speaking to him he would ignore me and do everything to walk away. Unusually, I slowly started liking him and I knew he liked me too but he never showed a sign or anything. He’s one of the cool kids who hangs out with his friends and who all girls fancy and I’m a nerdy-type of girl, who’s a bit shy and hangs out with geeky kids. One day, I was in the library, I went to sit next to his computer and asked him if he liked me (he was on my mind all the time and just had to get it out of my system) and he said no. It was really embarrassing because he was so mean and said it really loudly. I just wanted to cry but didn’t because I didn’t want to embarrass myself more.
  After that incident, I never spoke to him again but now I always wonder if he ever liked me or not. I don’t know whether he was embarrassed in front of his friends or whether he truly didn’t like me, but if he didn’t then why did he flirt with me and hug me? Another thing is that I live in the UK and I’m the only Asian in my school.

  Can you please tell me if he liked me or not? It’s been a few months but I still have a small crush on him.
  Thanks,
  Hanka

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hiya Hanka,

    I’ll tell you this as long as you at least promise me you’ll do your best to get past this guy by looking for someone else. Can you do that Hanka?

    First – never again ask a guy if they like you – you sound like a very sweet girl and guys WILL like you. Not all of them. Not all women like me you know. Assume a man’s action will practically dictate who they are, what they’re feeling, and why they act the way they do.

    His actions says he may have been sweet on you BUT he’s a young guy who is obviously more in touch with his social circle AND less concerned with hurting someone’s feelings. That combination may engage some attraction ( the bad boy type ) but should never form your basis or predictions on all men.

    Now obviously I don’t know the whole story. I don’t know what kind of women he goes for. Who’s he’s chasing. I also don’t know how physically attracted to you he was. Or even how his friends feel about you or what they do in their free time. And I’d be guessing that his age and his friends age played their part.

    BUT I do know his actions have proven to be weak and have shown a lack of balls to BE a real guy. Typical for a guy his age so I do hope he matures.

    And I also know you’re probably much more mature than him.

    Hopefully your crush will fade and your experience will teach you and show you the wide variety of men who will become attracted to you AND just because they’re feeling it, doesn’t mean they know what to do with it. That’s on their shoulders. That’s their job to learn.

    Your only job is to just keep being Hanka and trust me – the shy nerdy geeky girls have a ( although not very vocal ) huge list of guys trying to figure out how to date you.

    The best to you Hanka and hope this makes you stronger and gave you at least one smile,

    Pete

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• Audrey

  Hey

  This guy was really awkward around me ever since I rejected him when he offered ‘courtship’ because I was positively sure that he wasn’t serious. Until now, we are at the same class. At first, he was avoiding me (when I catch him staring, he’ll look away rapidly) then now, he is really playful around me. Like, mocking my voice, lips, etc, teasing me to those guys whom I had been linked to, joins my conversation with his other friends, hits me playfully, hiding my stuffs, being mean to me and sharing his past experiences to me. Sometimes, whenever I talk to one of his buddies, he’ll answer it all of a sudden. And he usually teases me to my past like he would ask questions and tease me non-stop. He always high fives me and once, he carried my stuff. And yesterday he was giving love advises to me like ‘You shouldn’t be so easy to fall’ etc. And he is always asking me why I’m always concern to his buddy. I’m confused on his actions. Like one minute he’s good to me and one minute, he’ll do those things to me. Is he showing some signs? Or just being him?

  Can you tell me what do you think?
  Thank you so much! It’s my first here.
  Audrey

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Ahhh I love you first timers – does that make me a typical dude?

    Welcome Audrey – It means he’s been reading my pages at DiaLteG TM and he’s finally starting to get it – create attraction! He’s using his entire repertoire or flirty techniques on you rather than “courting” you.

    He’s showing you he’s okay with you falling for other guys because he believes you’ll eventually come to him.

    I’d say – even if he’s just being him – this “him” or new self, you have to admit is much more enjoyable than the guy you first rejected.

    Of course you would take his former self seriously because you want to get to the point naturally and not be led into an instant relationship from a guy who resorts to standardized courting propping you up on a pedestal and trying to go from step one to step five – full time relationship.

    Okay. I got all that out. Audrey – He’s telling you, “I won’t accept rejection. I’m not going down without a fight. If you rejected the old guy – you’re going to absolutely love this new guy. Just you wait and see. ”

    Make sure this isn’t the first time you visit please,

    Pete

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• Sarah

  I’m a bit confused. There’s a guy who I’m interested in, who happened to be somewhere I was at. He was part of one group doing one thing and I was part of another group doing something else. At first, I had no idea he was there. My group was a mixed group of guys and girls and while we were taking a break from “work”, we sat and had some pizza. He came by and that’s when I realized he was there. There was another girl sitting next to me, but it seemed like he looked at me for a quick second. Fast forward through the night, I was getting ready to leave, and my body was halfway turned to the side (I was looking at something). I turned to face forward and saw that the guy I was interested in was in the doorway. He wasn’t looking at my face (though he might have briefly), but he was stretching his neck to catch a glimpse of something. To me, it seemed like he was looking at my chest area (although I was wearing a 3/4 sleeve shirt with almost nothing visible). I joke now and say maybe he was checking to see if I had a wedding ring on. Eventually, he noticed I was looking at him and must have noticed the cool (not cold) expression on my face. He seemed a little rejected and maybe embarrassed, then later smiled at me, and in return I smiled back.
  A few weeks after, we were somewhere else and it seemed like he was looking at me. I tried to pretend that I didn’t notice and looked elsewhere. Then he looked at my face, turned away and rubbed his chin. After this, I was hoping he would try to talk to me, and so far he hasn’t. The unfortunate thing is that now, we’re no longer in the same place. I know it would be weird to randomly contact him through social media-I know his name but I don’t think he knows mine. I know it’s weird, but I’m so tempted to get in touch. It will be a long while before I see him again. Do I try and talk to him or wait to see if he tries to talk to me when we eventually see him again?

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi Sarah – unfortunately the way the world sometimes works – it’s actually less weird when a woman “looks” up a guy on social media. Probably because guys look a little creepy when it happens.

    My thoughts are this – anywhere you can find to meet someone who might turn out to be a potential anything is a great place to do it. Barring funerals of course.

    Just be your “cool” self, be very casual about it. He’ll assume you’re into him so don’t play it off as something else or don’t mention it at all. Just go right for some laughter. Wait a little while before you accuse him of trying to check you out, or looking for a ring, or assessing your bra size… but definitely bring it up.

    Linking with men is very important. It makes them feel special and in this case will almost feel like you’ve already gone on a date. I can get into how all that works, but trust me, it does.

    As long as you’re careful about the internet – common sense shit – why not social media to spark something new. With all the Facebook and Twitter pages sprouting nothing but boring mundane stuff – maybe it’s about time we get a little more out of it then this–> https://www.facebook.com/WhyDoGuys Hahaha!

    Good luck with the guy who just happened to be somewhere you were at,

    Pete

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• Lynn

  Hi Peter! I just accidentally saw your website and read your articles and it somehow helped and made me full understand men and guys. Well, I might need some help and a piece of advice too.

  There’s this guy at school, I know him and he also knows me. This guy has been running and been throughout my mind these past few weeks and confuses me of what I feel. It makes me feel curious on how and the way he looks and stares at me, I feel nervous and shy when he’s around and we both stare at each other at constant times. Everytimes he talks glances at me obviously, I feel my heart racing and pumping fastly. One time when I was sitting at a table all alone and I kept glancing at his side, he suddenly stood up and sat beside me. I felt uncomfortable and shy when he was too close. I also remember when I was riding in a public vehicle, I had no choice but to occupy the seat near him and both of us were too close. Then all of a sudden he rests his hand to my knee and buries his face. And he was smiling and his friends were smiling and eyeing him. I really felt something was going on with him until his friend saw that I was feeling uncomfortable, he was asked to move away from me and shift his sitting position and he had no choice but to do so.

  And after that, we always have this weird eye contact which lasts seconds after I shift my gaze, and somehow I like talking about him and feel giddy when he’s around. I often catch myself stealing glances at him and smile goofily. I am unsure of what I feel towards him because there’s also this guy whom i’ve been crushing on for almost a year already. Eventually, the feelings and the excitement suddenly fades, my mind tells me that I should continue on having a crush on my crush and stop thinking and prevent myself from falling for this weird guy.

  I don’t know on how to deal with this confusion. I saw the weird guy a while ago together with a lady friend. And I felt a psng in my heart and went home distressed. Why was I hurt, I felt like hurt. I didn’t want to assume that this guy liked me but why did I felt that way? Am I falling for him? But I am afraid that if I might fall for him, he might as well not like me back and reject me.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi Lynn – some accidents do turn out good, don’t they?

    Thanks for stopping by.

    Sounds like you’re “just” experiencing attraction to a guy who had the balls to do what he did. I believe if he wasn’t feeling something for you he wouldn’t have put his hand on your knee. Obviously it’s not a normal public thing to do but since it worked to peak your attraction – weird or not – it happened and it wasn’t an accident.

    You’ve probably already fell for this guy but it is just chemistry. Chemistry is great and all but too much too quick tends to lead us into making some bad decisions relationship-wise.

    I saw this quote recently and I think it fits well although replace love with “chemistry”. It said,

    “Guess what one of the most common, central, human experiences is that we all feel when it comes to LOVE? Give up? It’s a LOSS OF CONTROL.”

    You were feeling jealous, probably like you missed your moment, and you took it as almost a personal rejection – when you saw him with another girl. And deep down you WANT to see what happens.

    That’s your choice and I wouldn’t let fear stop you from taking a risk – or have you believing he will not like you back or reject you. It happens Lynn. You might even end up rejecting him – remember… he is weird.

    Hope all this helps to settle your confusion. Obviously I can’t make the feeling go away for you – just stay grounded. Enjoy the chemistry. Try to avoid from letting the extreme emotions decide what’s best for you in the end – that’s all the advice I can offer for you at the moment.

    Always the best,

    Pete

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• flowers

  Hi Peter,

  I met this guy thru online dating website since last year. Ridiculously we met only twice in a year.

  We were chatting for 7 months on phone/ texts/ deep connections he showed lot of interests on me. Finally we met up. The date went abit uncomfortable for me. Perhaps I wasnt ready yet I kinda like him so I texted him the next day and told him I would like to see more of him and get to date more. He told me there was no chemistry between us. I was shocked as one could possibly spending 7 months with someone and said there was no chemistry in only one date?

  We stopped chatting for 3 months. Last month I texted him and we agreed to meet up for a casual sex. So we did.

  After that night I texted him asked if we could have normal relationship. No reply from him. After few days I texted to arrange a date with him he said will see me next month as he is busy with his work currently.

  I like him and would like to see him more often and do things with. However he was acting kinda ignore me. Sometimes i would text him 5 message and he would only reply one short answer either busy or postpone our date.

  Can a guy have casual sex with someone without emotional attach- of course they can right? I feel I am way too easy and dont know how to play the games. Should I continue to have sex with him yet to wait for him he to commit? He is 13 years older than me, divorced and have 3 kids. I dont know whatelse I can offer to him.

  Reply Link
  • Peter White

    Hi Flowers,

    Yeah… he sounds like a real winner yet… I would say he felt no chemistry because you weren’t comfortable and were probably not your usual self. Of course a “better man” would understand that and make you comfortable knowing, going seven months without seeing each other puts a ton of pressure on anyone.

    You guessed it right – there are numerous people who can have sex without any emotional attachment. My personal opinion is, based on what you wrote me, do whatever you can to avoid a guy like that.

    And no – I wouldn’t suggest you have sex with him again.

    I’m sure you have lots to offer lots of guys and you don’t have to play any games to make the “right” guys see it. Especially a guy who is using your niceness to hurt you and still get his rocks off.

    Besides you should not consider what you have to offer men – but a belief in yourself, who you are, what you do, and not base your quality in the world on what anyone says. Which yes, may include me.

    Personally I would lose this guys number and set your eyes on new guys but at the same time – start to see some value for yourself.

    If you have the time, I pulled a few more posts which I do hope will get you started in the right direction AND hopefully put this experience in your past:

    http://www.dialteg.org/rori-raye-rules-love-attracting-men/how-show-him-great-who-you-are/

    This one’s real good – because I wrote it.
    http://www.dialteg.org/are-you-looking-for-yourself-will-finding-make-happy/

    http://www.dialteg.org/mirabelle-summers-attract-men/how-be-girl-guys-want-date/

    Of course they are all posted at the approach.

    Hope this helps you out and the best of luck to you Flowers,

    Pete

    Reply Link
• Ray

  Hi Pete
  I’ve recently added a guy from my class on whatsapp. I spoke to him occasionally in class and helped him out a few times. Last year we had this weird pattern in which we would see each other and one day when I dressed nice he walked by me three times and made sure I looked at him. I didn’t want to get involved because he has a gorgeous model of a girlfriend(literally a model as a career). So anyways against my better judgement I added him on social media and so far I’ve kept it at a colleague type of level. So for my birthday a friend and I went out. The friday before that I broadcasted that I would be going with a friend and that if anyone would like to join us for ice cream they were welcome to. So we go for lunch instead and I broadcast it , 10 minutes later he turns up at the exact same place, girlfriend in tow. I asked my friend if I was seeing things because obviously I’m going to deny any idea that he would turn up there because of me. And my friend the crazy person that she is openly stares at him and she was going ” he’s looking at our table” so I ignore it and try not to look at him too much. A guy like him would not frequent a place like the one I was eating at. That I know for sure because we are of two different cultures. I feel so guilty because I do like him to some extent but I won’t hurt another girl because I like him too. Eventually I tell him that I know that he stares at me alot and that if I’m bugging him or if he has something to say he should just say it. He didn’t reply to that and I left the situation alone. I thought by being a bit more friendly I would get him to open up, but I always initiate conversation first and I honestly think that I’m wasting my time trying to be friendly with him. I thought it would get him to not be so awkward around me but he doesn’t ever try to initiate conversation. I’m the only girl that he has ever spoken to in my class and any other girl immediately gets shut out when they try to initiate conversation. I’m confused as to where I stand with him. Can you help me decode his behaviour?

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• Lynn

  Hi Pete! Its me again!

  I mean, I honestly like this guy from school. And, I might have thought that he likes me just because I can sense something from him. There I developed a small crush on him, I asked my classmates about it and told me he did liked me but there are sso many what ifs and doubts in my mind.

  I also asked my friend that his stares were his kind of habit and he almost does it to everyone. But, I caught him once, staring at me while tagging along with my friends.

  I mean we have this constant eye contact like almost everyday and gives me this coy smile. I hate to admit it, but I do like him.

  Pete, I know that there is this chemistry between me and him but these things I assume in my mind are all messed up.

  I don’t want anyone to know about him, because maybe he would also know and start to play a joke and fool me.

  I want to stop liking him and stop interguing about things that are impossible to happen.

  How will you know that a guy likes you, I mean secretly because we don’t really talk to each other.

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