Is Sex Always On His Mind & Is Physical Intimacy Important To Men?

Hey Peter,

I have heard that guys think about sex almost all the time. How far is this true?

The problem is, that I don't, so I fear not being in a relationship with any guy. I'm 23, and still single (and always was single).

I thought I was asexual, but after some research I discovered that I am demisexual, I.e will be willing to have sex only if I am emotionally involved with someone.

Having said that, I have low sex drive and I am ok with it.

But are there guys out there who are like me?

For a guy, in a relationship, how important is physical intimacy?

It's not true - men don't think about sex all the time. It's completely and yes - literally impossible.

Based on my research guys think about sex a little more than women do. Unfortunately, much of the research I've seen only broke it down by age and relationship status but disregarded a very important piece of the puzzle and that was...

How often the men had sex, if they could have it, if they've had it before, and how easy it was for them to get it.

Seems to me the numbers would be more accurate if those were included because it's very safe to say - IF someone wants and is not getting it - they're much more likely to think about it. Especially if the person is coming in contact with lots of men or women they find sexually attractive.

The research stated this,

"It is commonly believed that men think about sex much more often than do women, but the empirical evidence in this area is fairly weak. By means of a golf tally counter, 283 college students kept track of their thoughts pertaining to food, sleep, or sex for one week. Males reported significantly more need-based cognitions overall, but there was no significant interaction between sex of participant and type of cognition recorded. Therefore, although these young men did think more about sex than did young women, they also thought more about food and sleep."

(...)

Sex on the brain?: an examination of frequency of sexual cognitions as a function of gender, erotophilia, and social desirability.

Not really conclusive proof when men were thinking just as much about food and sleep and since it was college aged people who participated because when I was in college, food and sleep were tough to come by and always on my mind... along with sex.

I haven't done enough research to look into older men, relationship problem, feelings of sexual inadequacy, social development, attractiveness...

I believe there are too many factors to determine exactly without a huge grant study.

Me, personally - it's not directly about sex. Since I'm married now to an amazing woman that has changed. My eye does wander on occasion but the sexual thoughts of those women have drastically been reduced to practically zero.

BEFORE the marriage mood, career, and other factors on balancing life made a huge difference in the number of sexual thoughts I was having every day.

I also believe how are parent(s) raise us plays a very significant role in how much sex is thought about, and how much emphasis is put on the number of times during a relationship.

I feel the more open the environment to explore, the more early candid real discussions, the less emphasis put on it being "dirty" or sinful the more likely one is to have a natural sexual progression thus leading to less emphasis on the number of times in a relationship and how much it is thought about it.

Simply put - make it Taboo and it's going be on the mind more often.

The conclusion to your first question...

Depending on age, sexual frequency, social values, social contact with women, and family upbringing - you'll find that men think about sex about as much as women do.

Now...

Physical Intimacy is very important to guy who is in a relationship, but physical intimacy does not equal a relationship to a guy.

Intimacy to men can mean a lot of different things and not all of them base their relationship on how often sex happens but certainly on the closeness they feel with their partner which ALWAYS includes some form of intimacy.

The fact is men don't typically define relationships under the terms of sex.

This gets a lot of women in trouble while dating a man because they feel after sex, the next logical progression is a relationship - and it just doesn't work that way in a guy's mind.

And since sex isn't connected in that way to a relationship it's clear (at least to me) that all forms of intimacy and emotional connections are more important to men and be come the real deciding factor the leads to a commitment.

The conclusion - YES - physical intimacy IS important to a guy who is IN a relationship but is not necessary to get IF intimacy is defined as something only sexual.

What's more important in moving forward to a commitment (for a guy) will ALWAYS be the emotional connection a man feels with a woman.

Moving on... you wrote:

"I thought I was asexual, but after some research I discovered that I am demisexual, I.e will be willing to have sex only if I am emotionally involved with someone.

Having said that, I have low sex drive and I am ok with it.

But are there guys out there who are like me?"

Based on my quick research Demisexual is not about having sex - it's about feeling a gut level attraction.

Meaning - People who are Demisexual either don't feel (or don't allow themselves to feel) SEXUAL ATTRACTION to someone unless they're emotionally involved and close enough with that person for it to happen.

"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person. A demisexual identity is a useful indicator for where a person might fall on the asexual spectrum."

From Dictionary dot com.

I'm not entirely sold on this separation and the term has yet to be discussed or its point debated with me.

One feels attraction as not a matter of choice but a feeling triggered in parts of our earlier brain and until someone proves to me that part of the brain is not triggered for some unless strict events (as in emotional connection) are in place than I'm going to safely assume it's a choice.

Since this term seems to be part of a spectrum and men and women both seem to fall somewhere in the realm...

I'd say it's very safe to predict you'll find men just like you out there or guys who would align themselves equally with you.

And I'm sure you're bound to find many men who also feel they have a low sex drive.

Of course I would argue that hormones are partly the cause and some brain patterns but the root of it all is not finding someone or have found a partner who could change all that for you in YES a matter of seconds.

Your conclusion...

I think you'd benefit from reading an article I wrote:

Advice On Dating & Keeping Your Virginity & Guys Only Looking For Sex

I give some great tips on communicating to men so it's not all about sex and that will help you separate the guys you plan on dating.

This is definitely something that needs to made clear to a guy early on BUT it must be done in a way that you're not pushing away the right guy for you.

I also suggest to go through this wonderful program to help you each step of the way so you'll know the EXACT way it all must be said:

Love Scripts For Dating - End The Loop of Frustration, Anger, and Heartache

Rori Raye wrote it and she's very good at what she does and quite emphatic to everyone's needs too. I think you'll like her a lot.

Lastly some personal advice from me...

PLEASE stop looking to find yourself or where you fit in - online or in books.

DEFINE yourself on your own terms. It's not always healthy to go looking outside yourself when all you need is inside you.

I completely understand and get how EVERYONE has a need to find their niche in life and looking for people who share your views or problems can make you feel better.

There's nothing wrong with seeking similarities to share with others. That's a GOOD thing BUT...

When it comes to defining yourself by a group or looking for a term to describe yourself in words is NOT where you'll find yourself and you might always find conformity is not easy or healthy to try and maintain. It's exhausting and often stops you from becoming something far greater than just a word.

Trust it's a lot easier to love yourself and allow others to love you and make an emotional connection to you (with or without the sex part) when you define yourself with your own unique voice.

You'll find plenty of others who will gladly label you IF you go looking for it and that label will NEVER represent the whole of who you are...

You're more than that and you will always be.