I‘ve chased many women in my life and it got me literally nowhere…
We’re in for long one but look under the surface because I believe there’s a ton of information, a different look into understanding men you may have never read or thought about…
It always seemed like when they figured out I was into them – or were being chased – or more appropriately, found out how easy it would be to get or have me, well that’s when she’d lose any interest at all.
Before then, the phone calls were eagerly answered. The response was quickly message after a text. The late night drunk calls were sent to me,
“Just because I wanted to hear your voice.”
And let me tell you lots of guys everywhere have experienced the same effect.
Now granted these lessons are learned early in life and may not hold completely true in adulthood but not because of what you might believe.
We watch and take it to be true when we see the guy who gets any woman he wants – kind of doesn’t want it. It’s no big deal to him.
Girls will always gather around and not always patiently wait until he’s single again and perhaps chooses her next.
Regardless of which guy it is… the ones you want or the ones you don’t want, the younger guy learns it’s probably just best to at least play hard to get because THAT guy has dated every attractive available girl and he seems to do it.
As we mature into our own and perhaps develop out attractive masculine side with age – most of us suddenly allow ourselves to become hard to get.
That’s a key difference in men.
Some play hard to get.
Some ARE hard to get.
You don’t normally want the guy who is playing hard to get but at least, if you’re feeling it a little, then you know it’s a good sign he’s interested in you, otherwise he wouldn’t be using,
“The oldest trick in the book”
Would he?
The guy who IS hard to get – the one you’re “just maybe” not at all convinced he’s into you because his interest is so confusing and often misleading, you’re not sure if he’s “playing” that game
or if he really is that way.
You tell yourself you know he likes you and you can’t understand if it’s a game he’s playing, then why is he bothering but you have not truly convinced yourself… The questions always remain.
The boldest statement you’ve ever heard…
The MALE SLUT technique works on OTHER women.
He sleeps with every women who gives it up – but for me, he’s “plays” hard to get.
He’s always flirting with other girls, it seems like he does it with me too, so why is he playing hard to get with me?
Sometimes, it’s because he IS hard to get.
He lets you believe he’s sleeping around or giving more to the “other” women but that’s just his charm.
In fact, some of us clever guys learn early that if we flirt with every woman regardless of who she is, how old she is, whether she’s married or not, it makes us look like we’re “true ladies men” and we’ve got ALL these women on a string.
Granted without the charm or skill or wit or ability to not reveal certain facts we come off as foolish try-hards willing to land any woman who’d open up her legs to us.
You assume we’re either bad or good players whose confidence is somewhere in our pants.
For the rest of us – we pass on the teachings of BEING hard to get. We say,
“ALLOW her to work for your attention or interest just enough because by doing so we’re creating a natural demand AND increasing our value to you.”
The absolute truth of this all is – men believe it because they see it happen – because they’ve experienced it firsthand – Once you feel like you or women generally could have us at a moments notice (early on) your interest tends to fade away.
Now normally the type of guy who lives by that completely AND he’s not playing hard to get, maybe he’s just dabbling it in a little. You know by not calling or texting for a few days or setting up another date too quickly…
Well most of the time he’s not hard to get and that’s the problem. That’s what destroys the attraction. The chemistry bubble bursts because he doesn’t create a natural mystery which invites you closer to him.
He TRIES to make something happen which you would think comes naturally to lots of guy, but it doesn’t.
The guy who IS hard to get does not have to play or follow stupid rules or wait to call or text suggested in some dating book somewhere.
If there was ever a moral of these statements or something to learn and understand about men it is this:
Whether a guy is playing hard to get or is in fact hard to get is a game NO man can keep up IF he wants something more.
Sooner or later he must allow himself to be “gotten” in one way or another.
The other point may just be to explain why a guy would play hard to get, when you’re sure he likes you…
Well that could simply be based on many of our experiences… when we chase, show too much too early, quite often it’s not done right and destroys the attraction almost immediately.
At least in those cases it’s not that he’s playing a game or wants to play you – he’s just in that group of guys who just doesn’t get you and is only doing what he saw might have worked which is unfortunately taken out of context and does little for his dating life with you.
This is not the end of this topic – there has to be more and when it all comes to me one fateful night, I promise I won’t make that information NOT hard to get…
Until then at least smile, as I mentioned slightly above – whether he’s playing or not – let’s be honest with ourselves here, you already knows he’s interested or wouldn’t bother trying, and I know for a fact…
Easy guys are well, not much fun at all. 😀
The best of us want a woman who challenges us on many levels and although we may never fully know how to challenge back without it getting mixed up with all the “playing hard” we’re assuming you want a challenge too,
Pete
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22 comments… add one
Peter,
another amazing post. the most insightful post of all the ones Ive read.
it succintly explains the behavior this guy friend is showing me. Like a faucet hot and cold and his stupid games.
unfortunately, the games do get tiring and im sick of the manipulations.
Thank you Heather – great to hear. I appreciate it.
This was an insightful glimpse into the male mind, and informative, Thanks
Hi Pete,
So I start dating this guy after 3 months of asking me out. Everything is great for the next 3 months. We hang out with his friends and I get home pretty late.. My brother calls nd speaks to him “unnicely” I was upset and boyfriend wasn’t making things easy. We spoke about it and we were fine. He started acting up … stops calling like he used to.. he just changes. I spoke to him about it and he says there’s no reason to be worried. I see him weeks later cos he was busy… everything went great and we spoke that night. Next day I ddnt hear from him. Send him a mug asking wassup…. Long story short, a week later I call him he says we are good, says he loves me and shii. Next morning I call him he picks and we talk normally. Call him twice at night at at 10:30 he didn’t pick. It’s being 4 days and I haven’t heard from him. He is active on social media btw. Should I just let him go or what? I’m kinda confused.
LET HIM GO…he is not worth the headache
Hi Seyi,
I don’t know about just letting him go BUT it does sound like you’re on two different time tables. It sounds like he wants more space than you’re giving him. Like he wants to talk less than you do and he might be sensing you’re a little more “needy” than he expected.
What could’ve caused it all was definitely your brother calling him.
I know if I was dating a girl and her brother “ragged me out” for bringing her home too late I’d certainly back off a little.
BUT some guys wouldn’t. Some guys would fight the brother back. Some guys would fall for you even more. However since that didn’t happen, I would imagine he wanted you to stick up for him more, tell your brother off, and do something more to prove to him it wasn’t going to happen again.
And even then, you’ll still find him a little stand offish about dating you because most guys will do almost anything to avoid drama. Maybe we like things easy for us. Maybe not.
Letting him go is your choice but I would definitely him some space and time to think it all out.
Hope that helps your confusion a little and the best of luck to you,
Pete
I messaged a guy I like on his birthday. On my birthday he completely ignored mine…
Feels like I’ve overstepped. I now feel like I’ve been too keen…
Thoughts?
I don’t think you overstepped. You showed some interest and that’s a GOOD thing.
The fact he didn’t take the time to wish you one back only means he either didn’t know about it, didn’t feel like wishing you one back, OR he just doesn’t wish people happy birthday.
When you like someone, all you can really do open the communication and see what happens. And you did that.
If it doesn’t work out then so be it. There’s just no need to blame it on something you’ve done when that’s all you did.
Now if you want a clever way of checking his interest I would wish him Happy Birthday again and be prepared to back it up with some light humor. Again, if he doesn’t respond, then you know to seek out other opportunities.
Those are my thoughts Miss Butterflying and thanks for writing. Hope it helped you,
Pete
These guys that are hard to get seem really interested if they’re going through all that trouble just to get attention lol.
Thank you for showing me carols article, it was an eye opener!
You’re right Tiffany and I’m glad you liked it. The articles I pass on mean a lot to me and are some of the best written materials I can find. It’s great to hear they have opened your eyes.
Pete
Hi Pete,
I really enjoyed your post. I am talking with someone who I feel is interested, but moving very slow and playing hard to get. There are times my insecurities get the best of me, but mostly, it is a complete turn on. In actuality, he is giving me what I want…time. Time to get to know him and time for me to know him. Some days I’m given more, while other days very little. It is very intriguing and smart! I am enjoying the depth, in small quantities. It’s like a drug. I look forward to getting my fix and then crave more. Quite intelligent and that is sexy!!
So I’ve been off & on with this guy for about 2 years now. Of course it was just sex, I was in a bad relationship for 6 years & had a daughter but since moved 3 years ago to get away from that bad situation. Yes, my guard is waaay up, emotionally not letting me commit. Blah, blah…This guy I’m speaking about now, I could actually commit to! We have been back & forth & lately, over a month now he has been at my house EVERY weekend, staying the night as well. We keep in touch through the week, but not too much, I don’t want to seem or look needy. He knows I like him, unfortunately I know he like me, but unsure on what level. I’m sure it’s just sex, although we have spent the night together without having sex. He holds me so tight when we sleep together which I love, but also confuses me. HELP!!!
Need big help on this one pls!!
This situation is wracking my head. I met a guy month ago at my friends party who happens to be his boss. We hve seen each other on occasion n text/ call at least 1/2 day. Just recently he had opened up to me how I don’t show interest and hold myself back. N this is true- I hd explained that because once I do then it’s official, we then agreed that we are both attracted to each other that I will be more open in showing my feelings to him and he will do same. Two days later , he attended my party n met my friends but went home. Next following day I called to see if he would come over for dinner and declined saying all excuses….. I just never know when I see him again is frustrating…. When we just agreed prior to submit our openness and interest for each other. So I was making an effort. It’s a week end & thought this was the right thing to do??? What just happened?
Ok so ive been talking to this one guy for quite a while now and ive gone on two dates with him, he would txt me every morning with goodmorning txts and we would constantly talk all day everyday ,but lately he hasnt been txting me that much and i havent seen him for a while now . He works a lot so i understand that maybe thats one of the reasons why we havent been able to hang out . Ive mentioned to him that i miss him and that he misses me too and that hes sorry that he hasnt been able to spend much time with me , he says all that but i dont understand why he hasnt put the effort to see me if he says all those things ? im not sure if hes still interested in me ?
Chances are he got too deep, too quickly, and didn’t figure how much work balancing it all out would be.
Remember it’s easy to text and talk, but harder to actually put in the effort.
He’s saying he misses you, which is a good thing. Just keep in mind how balancing someone else in our lives is too much work for some guys to handle. Again they move too quickly instead of slowly letting you into their lives.
I’m not sure if he’s still interested, only time might tell.
I do know if he can’t balance it all within a reasonable amount of time, he’s going to disappear more and it’s going to feel like he’s losing interest. It just might be he’s more interested in his life right now and not yours. That sounds bad but again, too much too quick and theses things do happen.
When it comes to dating, make sure YOU are a welcome escape and if that doesn’t set right in his mind, it’s clearly his deal or lack of effort is only a sign he’s not right for you at this point in time.
Best to you Johana,
Pete
Hi Peter:
I completely understand when a man plays hard to get. I’ve been through this and I have come to realize from my experiences that as time goes on, and he continues to play games, I have lost interest. Then he can’t understand why I no longer have an interest. Example, this one that I had at work played some games. Now, I have totally lost interest. I know when I see him again, he’s going to try to flirt with me and I will definitely ignore him. I am sure he will wonder why I am not paying him any attention.
I’m sure he will too Missy.
Hey Peter,
I’ve been with this guy for few months now and we just exchanged ilys. I feel that he’s playing hard to get because he says he loves me but doesn’t talk the way couples do like the love stuff. We talk less now and he just doesn’t seem that into me but still says that he’s interested. I’m confused and these games are not working, just making me distant. What should I do?
Hey Carol,
Well if you really feel and are certain he’s playing games, then why bother with him (seriously) BUT I can tell you most guys don’t play games. AT least on purpose. They’re just not that good at playing and normally women see right through it.
Okay, so some guys will say they love you just because you said it. They feel obligated but don’t necessarily mean it. Sometimes it’s because they’re not in love, sometimes because they feel it would you in bed sex quicker, and mostly I would say that lots of guys just don’t understand what love really is.
They can’t put love in words and therefore just assume what they’re feeling is love when you say it too.
In my book, to tell if a guy really loves you, ignore the words and look for real action as to what one person does when they’re in love. The actions vary but they mean more, especially to a guy.
I don’t think he’s playing hard to get if he has already told you he loves you.
His actions tell me he isn’t ready for a relationship and nothing more. We can still love another without wanting a commitment.
If his actions are telling you he’s pulling away, then he’s just not fully committed to the relationship. He’s gone from attraction to possibly something more, just not enough for him to fully commit.
Thanks for writing Carol and I do hope this has helped you out a bit,
Pete
Hi Pete,
Thank you for this insightful post. In my case the guy is manipulating, but in a irritating, dramatic way. I hate drama. We met on line February 2015, and I have seen him, talked to him(heard his voice), but he was not open. The reason could me many. Might be he was separated with a chance to reconcile and in between passing time. But the bigger picture was he was not ready to start something serious. So, I didn’t try to push anything. But he didn’t like that too. He wanted me to fall for him. He wanted every details about me. He even created high drama by including his so called ex girlfriend(they also met on line, according to her) in the picture. When I caught him right and asked him about the drama, he didn’t answer properly. The next day that lady vanished. From that day he stopped talking to me regularly. I initiated talking a few times, and he answered, but did not talk long. When I asked he replied he got bored, nothing new to talk. He accused me that I didn’t talk fun like before. Fun talk means flirting. We used to flirt before, but it is not always possible to continue only flirting when one needs something deep. So, I told him that I had developed feelings for him, I also told him that I knew he didn’t feel for me, so I wanted to stop. Then I deleted him from my profile. Next moment he added me back and said pulling away is not the solution. Then he started talking and planning, he said he liked me and asked me to join him for a vacation after few months. It seemed he wanted to see where things go between us. It was OK with me. But from the next day he again started that old game. He stopped talking. Now when I initiate he talks or calls me, otherwise remain silent. I see him on line talking to his other friends, but he doesn’t initiate talking to me. But if I remain silent he doesn’t take that very well too. Then he starts asking me if I am trustworthy. How funny! If a man really wants to know a lady and like her, he will continue talking and try to keep things straight. He will want to open himself to her. But this guy, in my opinion is trying to keep me till he find his match. There is no friendship here, no feelings, only a strategy to attract an woman and keep her under control. As he likes me, he likes others too. And if he finds his woman someday immediately he will delete me. I am sick of his manipulative behavior and have decided to stop. I deserve better.
Nice way to put this together… another factors or reasons for this is ofcourse we cant tell if u really want us or jus being friendly.. finally some men have been through bad relationships which leads them to be extremely careful when opening up.. he doesnt want your heart or his to hurt again..
Thanks James and YES, definitely, without a doubt MOST men can’t tell if a woman really wants them or if they’re being friendly. Now I know lots of women feel the same way, they can’t tell if we’re being friendly or looking for something else.
It goes both ways. Which is why (I suppose) the phrase, “putting yourself out there” comes from and why it’s so important to get to the next part. Otherwise we get stuck on thinking ourselves out of a situation because we’re unsure of the outcome.
The best advice for everyone, “Fear not rejection because it’s always a lot better than rejecting ourselves.”
Yes. Lots of guys are extremely careful about opening up too early because they don’t want to get hurt. No one likes to be in pain. BUT to those guys, you can’t live your life out of a fear of being hurt. But that’s an entirely different subject, sort of.
Thanks James. I appreciate your comments,
Pete