I‘ve chased many women in my life and it got me literally nowhere…
We’re in for long one but look under the surface because I believe there’s a ton of information, a different look into understanding men you may have never read or thought about…
It always seemed like when they figured out I was into them – or were being chased – or more appropriately, found out how easy it would be to get or have me, well that’s when she’d lose any interest at all.
Before then, the phone calls were eagerly answered. The response was quickly message after a text. The late night drunk calls were sent to me,
“Just because I wanted to hear your voice.”
And let me tell you lots of guys everywhere have experienced the same effect.
Now granted these lessons are learned early in life and may not hold completely true in adulthood but not because of what you might believe.
We watch and take it to be true when we see the guy who gets any woman he wants – kind of doesn’t want it. It’s no big deal to him.
Girls will always gather around and not always patiently wait until he’s single again and perhaps chooses her next.
Regardless of which guy it is… the ones you want or the ones you don’t want, the younger guy learns it’s probably just best to at least play hard to get because THAT guy has dated every attractive available girl and he seems to do it.
As we mature into our own and perhaps develop out attractive masculine side with age – most of us suddenly allow ourselves to become hard to get.
That’s a key difference in men.
Some play hard to get.
Some ARE hard to get.
You don’t normally want the guy who is playing hard to get but at least, if you’re feeling it a little, then you know it’s a good sign he’s interested in you, otherwise he wouldn’t be using,
“The oldest trick in the book”
Would he?
The guy who IS hard to get – the one you’re “just maybe” not at all convinced he’s into you because his interest is so confusing and often misleading, you’re not sure if he’s “playing” that game
or if he really is that way.
You tell yourself you know he likes you and you can’t understand if it’s a game he’s playing, then why is he bothering but you have not truly convinced yourself… The questions always remain.
The boldest statement you’ve ever heard…
The MALE SLUT technique works on OTHER women.
He sleeps with every women who gives it up – but for me, he’s “plays” hard to get.
He’s always flirting with other girls, it seems like he does it with me too, so why is he playing hard to get with me?
Sometimes, it’s because he IS hard to get.
He lets you believe he’s sleeping around or giving more to the “other” women but that’s just his charm.
In fact, some of us clever guys learn early that if we flirt with every woman regardless of who she is, how old she is, whether she’s married or not, it makes us look like we’re “true ladies men” and we’ve got ALL these women on a string.
Granted without the charm or skill or wit or ability to not reveal certain facts we come off as foolish try-hards willing to land any woman who’d open up her legs to us.
You assume we’re either bad or good players whose confidence is somewhere in our pants.
For the rest of us – we pass on the teachings of BEING hard to get. We say,
“ALLOW her to work for your attention or interest just enough because by doing so we’re creating a natural demand AND increasing our value to you.”
The absolute truth of this all is – men believe it because they see it happen – because they’ve experienced it firsthand – Once you feel like you or women generally could have us at a moments notice (early on) your interest tends to fade away.
Now normally the type of guy who lives by that completely AND he’s not playing hard to get, maybe he’s just dabbling it in a little. You know by not calling or texting for a few days or setting up another date too quickly…
Well most of the time he’s not hard to get and that’s the problem. That’s what destroys the attraction. The chemistry bubble bursts because he doesn’t create a natural mystery which invites you closer to him.
He TRIES to make something happen which you would think comes naturally to lots of guy, but it doesn’t.
The guy who IS hard to get does not have to play or follow stupid rules or wait to call or text suggested in some dating book somewhere.
If there was ever a moral of these statements or something to learn and understand about men it is this:
Whether a guy is playing hard to get or is in fact hard to get is a game NO man can keep up IF he wants something more.
Sooner or later he must allow himself to be “gotten” in one way or another.
The other point may just be to explain why a guy would play hard to get, when you’re sure he likes you…
Well that could simply be based on many of our experiences… when we chase, show too much too early, quite often it’s not done right and destroys the attraction almost immediately.
At least in those cases it’s not that he’s playing a game or wants to play you – he’s just in that group of guys who just doesn’t get you and is only doing what he saw might have worked which is unfortunately taken out of context and does little for his dating life with you.
This is not the end of this topic – there has to be more and when it all comes to me one fateful night, I promise I won’t make that information NOT hard to get…
Until then at least smile, as I mentioned slightly above – whether he’s playing or not – let’s be honest with ourselves here, you already knows he’s interested or wouldn’t bother trying, and I know for a fact…
Easy guys are well, not much fun at all. 😀
The best of us want a woman who challenges us on many levels and although we may never fully know how to challenge back without it getting mixed up with all the “playing hard” we’re assuming you want a challenge too,
Pete
Comments are moderated – I can NOT answer all of them – Your opinions are always appreciated – Thank you… Peter White – Don’t forget if you’ve found this page by accident you might not belong here 🙂 Go here -> Why Do Guys…?to receive the full email and all the rest too.
Hey Peter,
I’ve been with this guy for few months now and we just exchanged ilys. I feel that he’s playing hard to get because he says he loves me but doesn’t talk the way couples do like the love stuff. We talk less now and he just doesn’t seem that into me but still says that he’s interested. I’m confused and these games are not working, just making me distant. What should I do?
Hey Carol,
Well if you really feel and are certain he’s playing games, then why bother with him (seriously) BUT I can tell you most guys don’t play games. AT least on purpose. They’re just not that good at playing and normally women see right through it.
Okay, so some guys will say they love you just because you said it. They feel obligated but don’t necessarily mean it. Sometimes it’s because they’re not in love, sometimes because they feel it would you in bed sex quicker, and mostly I would say that lots of guys just don’t understand what love really is.
They can’t put love in words and therefore just assume what they’re feeling is love when you say it too.
In my book, to tell if a guy really loves you, ignore the words and look for real action as to what one person does when they’re in love. The actions vary but they mean more, especially to a guy.
I don’t think he’s playing hard to get if he has already told you he loves you.
His actions tell me he isn’t ready for a relationship and nothing more. We can still love another without wanting a commitment.
If his actions are telling you he’s pulling away, then he’s just not fully committed to the relationship. He’s gone from attraction to possibly something more, just not enough for him to fully commit.
Thanks for writing Carol and I do hope this has helped you out a bit,
Pete
Hi Pete,
Thank you for this insightful post. In my case the guy is manipulating, but in a irritating, dramatic way. I hate drama. We met on line February 2015, and I have seen him, talked to him(heard his voice), but he was not open. The reason could me many. Might be he was separated with a chance to reconcile and in between passing time. But the bigger picture was he was not ready to start something serious. So, I didn’t try to push anything. But he didn’t like that too. He wanted me to fall for him. He wanted every details about me. He even created high drama by including his so called ex girlfriend(they also met on line, according to her) in the picture. When I caught him right and asked him about the drama, he didn’t answer properly. The next day that lady vanished. From that day he stopped talking to me regularly. I initiated talking a few times, and he answered, but did not talk long. When I asked he replied he got bored, nothing new to talk. He accused me that I didn’t talk fun like before. Fun talk means flirting. We used to flirt before, but it is not always possible to continue only flirting when one needs something deep. So, I told him that I had developed feelings for him, I also told him that I knew he didn’t feel for me, so I wanted to stop. Then I deleted him from my profile. Next moment he added me back and said pulling away is not the solution. Then he started talking and planning, he said he liked me and asked me to join him for a vacation after few months. It seemed he wanted to see where things go between us. It was OK with me. But from the next day he again started that old game. He stopped talking. Now when I initiate he talks or calls me, otherwise remain silent. I see him on line talking to his other friends, but he doesn’t initiate talking to me. But if I remain silent he doesn’t take that very well too. Then he starts asking me if I am trustworthy. How funny! If a man really wants to know a lady and like her, he will continue talking and try to keep things straight. He will want to open himself to her. But this guy, in my opinion is trying to keep me till he find his match. There is no friendship here, no feelings, only a strategy to attract an woman and keep her under control. As he likes me, he likes others too. And if he finds his woman someday immediately he will delete me. I am sick of his manipulative behavior and have decided to stop. I deserve better.
I think you’re dealing with a Narcissist.
Run while you can!
Nice way to put this together… another factors or reasons for this is ofcourse we cant tell if u really want us or jus being friendly.. finally some men have been through bad relationships which leads them to be extremely careful when opening up.. he doesnt want your heart or his to hurt again..
Thanks James and YES, definitely, without a doubt MOST men can’t tell if a woman really wants them or if they’re being friendly. Now I know lots of women feel the same way, they can’t tell if we’re being friendly or looking for something else.
It goes both ways. Which is why (I suppose) the phrase, “putting yourself out there” comes from and why it’s so important to get to the next part. Otherwise we get stuck on thinking ourselves out of a situation because we’re unsure of the outcome.
The best advice for everyone, “Fear not rejection because it’s always a lot better than rejecting ourselves.”
Yes. Lots of guys are extremely careful about opening up too early because they don’t want to get hurt. No one likes to be in pain. BUT to those guys, you can’t live your life out of a fear of being hurt. But that’s an entirely different subject, sort of. 🙂
Thanks James. I appreciate your comments,
Pete
Hi,
A new guy started at work about 3 months ago and happened to see me speaking to a supervisor, he did a double take and I returned a quick look. He then turned quickly and began to busy himself. The next day he kept passing by my cubicle saying, “Hi” as he passed. I found it kind of strange that all he could muster was a simple “Hi”. So I stopped looking when he passed me by. After 1 week without my paying attention to him, he stopped passing by my cubicle. Then something came up that I needed help with and he involved himself to help out. He had to interview me for a report and the first impression I got was he was cocky, which turned me off, I was pleasant but somewhat aloof. As the interview proceeded, he became softer, we made major eye contact. I graciously thanked him for his help and he kinda just wanted to stay around but I didn’t engage him in further conversation, so he left.
The next day I needed his assistance again and he happened to answer my call. He was very attentive and again helped me with a situation that could have escalated. I thanked him and he told me any time I needed him to call him. Then he asked for my extension, which I gave him.
Thereafter he would come and check on me to make sure I was okay but never said a word to me, he would pass by or peek into my area and straight stare at me, lol. I found it strange and unusual behavior. He would come into the lunch room where I was at, which he never did before all this, and behave as if he was doing “something”. I love to read (I’m a nerd but my looks are not congruent to being nerdy) so I would have my head inside the pages of whatever book I was reading. On occaison, I would look up and smile or say , “Hi”, and that’s it. Well he kept up his pursuit, and eventully stopped. I guess if I had to be honest, (umm yeah) I refused to be another one of the groupies that surrounded him. He’s never alone, there is always some female trying to charm the pants off him. I consider myself very confident, analytical and self aware, I don’t chase guys nor do I respond to aggressive pursuers. I kinda felt that was the case with this guy. He was moving too fast and furious. So I decided to tease him a bit to re-engage him and began passing by his area, smiling and on occaison say “Good morning” or “How are you?” He’d always respond but kind of with attitude (I take it he was hurt I was not recoprocating his weird flirtatious rituals) but eventully he came around and smiled, asking how I was. I was friendlier towards him this time around.
But something has shifted. He came into the lunchroom the other day and I said hi to him. To my surprise, he was kinda of aloof and said hi without looking at me or smiling. I didn’t go to the lunchroom the next day, I spent my lunch with a coworker. Later that day he came to my desk and stopped to say hi and ask how I was. I smiled nicely and reciprocated. I mentioned his 5 o’clock shadow and he explained that he would let it grow out sometimes. I thought if I initiated conversation we would both feel at ease, and we did. He was faced towards me, his body language was relaxed, he smiled and our chat felt genuine.
Yesterday and today he just passed my cubicle without saying a word, he just looked at me and keep walking. Okayyyyy! Lol. I’m about to put the last nail in this primordial attraction game we have going on…..what do I do??
I’ve been dealing with a guy slightly younger than me that was definitely playerish for about a year. Over the past 5 months he has done everything to please me but could not accept back at that time and I was worried he would try to play me. Soon as I showed a little interest he said he wasn’t looking for anything, so I gave a few weeks off from working together and the first day back his immediate reaction seemed glad to see me but then kinda ignored me like he didn’t want me there, but then would flirt throughout the day. I think underneath he really is shy and inexperienced with actual women as opposed to “girls” and certainly don’t make it easy. I think he really did have feelings for me but cannot understand if he’s just no longer interested or is trying the whole ignore her and make her work it act.
Hey Peter!
Not sure if this thread is still active but I have a question. I like a guy, actually I adore him. We’ve met twice and we have a lot in common but somehow he doesn’t seem interested. Maybe it’s because I’m usually extremely shy in first few meetings and he doesn’t know me much or maybe he’s stuck on his ex. They dated for 8 weeks a year ago and she dumped him giving the reason that she doesn’t feel loved. He constantly posts sad things about relationships on his social media accounts. What could be the reason and what should I do?
Hey Iris,
I would probably have to know more about this guy but I can generalize if you’d like.
First he’s stuck on this girl OR even some past relationships and until he gets past it all, he might not ever come around. Lots of men get stuck on past flames.
If he’s posting sad things about relationships it’s because he’s doing a few things… hoping for sympathy, someone to tell him it’s not his fault, and he’s hoping she will read it and give him another chance.
Now, why they only dated for 8 weeks and broke up because she didn’t feel loved seems a little strange to me. There’s something more going on there only those two would know about. If anyone but her gave you that reason, then I’m positive there’s more to it.
As far as what you should do it about it…nothing. I would stay away from him. He doesn’t seem interested. He’s into another woman. He has a hang up about relationships and his views on them are negative. Not really the type of guy you should concern yourself over, or even think about chasing.
Trust me, you being shy is the last thing that would cause a guy to no bother with. Sure some guys miss the signals shy girls give, so they might get easily discouraged and totally miss what you’re saying, but because of where he’s at, why bother blaming the “shy” thing when there are lots of women who are shy and do just fine with guys. In other worse, it’s not you.
Hope that helps you out a bit and all the best to you,
Pete
Thankyou and it did help.
He told me that his ex left him because she didn’t feel loved and the reason he gives is that he was bad at expressing himself and having a physical relationship with her. (we’re both religious that way) but it’s still strange to stay hung up on a two month relationship even after a year has passed. I’ve had two long-term relationships. One for a year and one for 3 years but I’m not hung up.
Not boasting off but I’m attractive l. I have looks and the personality and I’ve never really been turned down so maybe I’m confused this time.
This guy tells me that he has trouble expressing himself but he’s been getting better at it and he’s always been in these short term relationships. The thing that pulled me towards him mostly was that we both had suffered depression and so I thought that maybe we’ll be able to understand each other more but doesn’t seem to be happening.
Well I’ve been knowing this guy since I was 14 or 15 and he had a crush on me but I was in an off and on relationship. I knew he was a very nice guy but I just didn’t want to hurt him if I ever so happen to get back in that relationship. But as we’ve gotten older we’ve been able to spend time with one another and enjoy each others company. And being that I’m no longer in that relationship, I am a little bit more open to see where things could go between us. But now he’s so inconsistent and he pushes and pulls away…to me I think its just mind games. I don’t know if he’s dating someone else even though he says he doesn’t or he just isn’t as interested anymore. He says that he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. But I truly don’t know because I’m on the verge of just pulling away especially if its going to be pointless. But we’re both 25 now.
Hello Shea,
You wrote, “He says that he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now.” I would take him on his word until he proves it otherwise. If it is a game he’s playing than it won’t work, right?
Listen, let’s assume he’s been pining over you for years now and like you said, had a crush on you which has built up over the years. Now, almost ten years later you’re finally free and possibly ready. I would NOT expect many men to come that quickly or easily because they will feel like you’re only settling. They might want you to prove to them they mean more and might do it by pushing or pulling and seeing how you react or if you run off into another man’s arms. He’s probably concerned about that happening.
Just something you must keep in mind.
How about this:
If I knew a girl for that long and always wanted her but she was always with some guy (and most of them I didn’t approve of because I felt I was your best choice but you never wanted me) and then suddenly you change gears and want more from me, I’d certainly be resistant about getting involved with you. I’d feel like your second choice or like you were settling with me. I’d certainly act a little strange and begin to question lots of things.
All in all, if you feel like he is playing mind games, for whatever reasons, and he’s not being honest with you, or he’s pulling you on a string and you’re getting weary of dealing with it, then I believe you have your answer, why bother.
Hope that helps you out Shea,
Pete
Hi Peter,
I have been seeing this guy for almost two months and I like him a lot.We haven’t done anything when we’re together just kiss and hug. His always been a very dry and shy person and he admits it he doesn’t like showing his feelings but say we’re on the same page and that whatever I want he wants. To me, that makes me so confused if he actually likes me. I feel like lm always insisting to meet up and I hate it, his always with boys and sometimes have cancelled to do some things with his boys. It pisses me off but we’re not dating, I feel like lm giving my all and his just not that interested. We meet up once a week and told him I feel his distant, it kinda made us drift abit. I met up with this other guy to see what he would say and he found out and said looks like I had fun the night before. I loved that he was jealous and he tried to act like he didn’t care at all. We met up the next day which was the first time in almost 2 weeks. I think It was because of the other guy. we met up and we were kissing. He was telling me how when the guys stop talking to girls that’s when they come crawling back and of course that made me feel shit. I said I wouldn’t do that he goes ok we’ll see. That night we left on good terms I tried to play hard to get by saying don’t worry you’ll won’t be hearing from me he goes ok we’ll see.
The day after I didn’t text him, first time since we’ve been seeing each other we didn’t talk at all and he hasn’t texted me either. I feel like his waiting for me to text him and it’s killing me I just want to talk to him but lm holding my ground. I haven’t heard from in 2 days and I feel like his playing hard to get or maybe his not interested at all. I don’t want to lose him but I want him to make the effort. lm so confused. what do I do? please help
hi, there is a boy , everyone think that he like me, we have done so much things and i feel like he likes me. when he find out that i like him he didnt tell me that he know. when he did find out that i know that he knows, he start ignoring me. but then he starts talk to me and laught and smile m,m. but then he start ignoring again. when i talk to his bff he always come in and start to talk with me and start to make jokes. everytime i talk to someone specialy if it is a boy, he come in and start to make jokes to make me laught. but if he like me why do he ignoring me and donte tell me that he fell the same about me ? , he knows that i like him so why do he dont tell me ?. i really likes him but i dont know what to do. he mind fucks me. sometimes i really think that he like me and sometimes i think that he dont like me. sorry if my english isnt that good, iam from sweden and dont have english keyboard ::)
i mean if he know that i like him , and he dont fell the same, why dont he tell me that he dont like me.