More than a few women have come to me complaining about how guys make dating extremely difficult because they just won't be upfront about what they want from them.
They scream if men were more upfront, dating would be a more pleasurable experience and us guys would be so much easier to understand.
Apparently you don't like to be left guessing or waiting around forever.
There are many reasons upfront and honest dating is not so easily found. I hear you.
Today's post will cover men being honest with you (when asked or not) if they're just looking for sex with you or something a little more.
You can read about the rest in the post:
I'm sure most of you would appreciate the honesty on the sex part but from my experience and lots of other guys too, it just doesn't always work that way.
Two honest truths about men - one is about sex, the other is not.
One:
Telling a woman we're only looking for sex is not typically in our best interest and can often lead to worse problems with dramatic results we like to avoid.
Two:
We're not always sure what we want until we experience it. We need time and space to think about it and feel it all out.
And something about men you might not know:
They believe women are somewhat incapable of handling a purely sexual relationship. At least not in the same way us men can do it.
This belief often comes from their direct experiences, what they've seen and heard from others, and their understanding (or lack of understanding) of the female mind.
In other words, they're not just making it up as they go along and because of beliefs like this one, they will often withhold and not be so direct about looking for sex.
Here's an example from my young personal experience.
I met a woman in college and I was only slightly attracted to her. We talked for about an hour before she asked me to walk her to her car.
She started kissing me and even though I wasn't that interested in her, I went along with it. I was terrible with women at that time so I blame it on being young, frustrated, and desperate.
Yet - call it my brain stepping in, morals, inability to lie, or whatever...
I pulled back and shared my "upfront & honest" thoughts with her:
There was another woman I was chasing and failing miserably to get anywhere with her. I thought I was "in love".
(Actually, I was in a hopeless friends zone situation yet determined to make it work. It didn't. Things got crazy. I was an ass. I left her alone.)
I made my point very clear...
I'm not looking for anything with her but would be open to sex if she's okay with it.
After all it was college and this is what we do, right? Enjoy casual sex.
It felt good to let her know exactly what I expected and what she could expect from me. I liked myself better knowing I could never be the type of guy to use a woman for sex.
To my surprise, she was okay with it and we made plans to spend the weekend together having fun, mostly in bed of course.
I thought my honesty was being rewarded but was proved wrong as the next few, slightly dramatic weeks played out and forced me to learn a few things about women which shaped my beliefs (for better and worse) for the next decade of my life.
The weekend went by and of course I didn't expect to hear from her but not too long later, about a missed period, she came to me upset and told me she might be pregnant.
It was a game she was playing to keep me around and after learning the truth, never spoke to her again.
She showed me what some women were capable of doing to a nice honest guy like me and would do if needed to get the results they wanted.
(Luckily she didn't sour me for women. I understand people are people and "do" things, it happens.)
AND...
She strengthened my (somewhat false) beliefs that women can not handle one night stands or casual sex as well as guys, and that they would always want something more.
You'll find many men like my young self who will never believe a woman will ever just have sex without some ulterior motive in mind.
They'll tend to believe it's used as an "upsell" to a relationship she'll want now or later, or used to keep us around just long enough to make us fall in love with her.
Obviously this is not always the case but only SOME men get that casual sex and feelings can get all mixed up. Promises can be made and broken. It's not always a player's game by either side.
Here's the thing with single men...
We see or meet a woman we're physically attracted (and sometimes less depending on the guy) SEX is ALWAYS on the table.
We see. We feel. We desire. We in some way... imagine it and want it.
This in no way means that's all we will ever want or if we will actually follow through with it and try, it's simply a feeling and beyond that, there are more factors that will always come into play.
It can turn into something more but that all comes later because...
When a guy first meets a woman he's NEVER thinking relationship.
(There are exclusions. Some men DO go into instant relationship mode a little too much. They are a segment of the type twos of the world.)
They don't wonder if she's make a great girlfriend or not unless she's doing something drastically weird or strange.
Relationship thoughts are never instant decisions or immediate feelings like sex and attraction.
If a guy begins to date a woman the sex part is still there because of the physical attraction but the rest, the deeper connection, needs time to grow or shrink.
If the relationship thoughts do shrink or disappear entirely, the man is more likely to bring up the sex only talk for obvious reasons... attraction and sex are fun and enjoyable for most.
This switch can happen at anytime or any date too.
There's no real timetable you can rely on every time.
Yes, there are men who "pretend" date you and string you along for sex only to disappear or "excruciatingly slow" turn into somebody else. Leaving you hurt, angry, and confused from the deception.
Trust me, they are rare and you read more here:
Defining A Player, The Games He Uses, & Why Most Men Are Not Players
Here's the most common scenario...
Most men (at first) are physically attracted to you in some way and date you because of that and a little more.
They're taking the time to decide whether a relationship would be cool with you.
However, some men jump the gun and start a relationship way too early for lots of reasons beyond the scope of today's post.
Once the realize or it's made clear to them it's not what they wanted, the back out making you feel like it was all about sex, when it wasn't.
He just made a bad decision at the wrong time quite possible with what he now believes is the wrong woman for him.
Making all this a huge point for men AND women.
It's hard to be upfront and honest when we ourselves don't know what we really want (or need) and often those wants and needs change as we grow closer to one another.
Most of us "think" we know what we need but until those needs are met, how do we really know it's exactly what we need.
AND...
Most of us "want" things and we might be clear about them to ourselves, but not all those wants are good for us. Aside from the rare lies or deception,
Men are not always sure what they want in those early moments.
If they're physically attracted to you, they DO want sex with the possibility of something else happening but telling you that, would probably ruin the possibility of something else happening. Call it a catch 22 or dishonesty - it's just the way things work.
At least that's what they believe or feel.
Most men want to casually date for a limited period of time to decide where to go from there and most will accept the sexual part regardless.
At some point they might decide otherwise but since the sex complicated things, it often becomes confusing during the break up.
It can and will "feel" like you've been used.
To further complicate it all - We (us guys) can and do become more physically attracted to a woman.
Our attraction trigger tends to change with age, personality, experience, closeness, mental and/or physical wellness, what we think we need, what we think we want, what we think we can't have, and of course what we firmly believe we CAN have.
But let's not get into all the today, okay?
What does all this mean to you and the guy you're dating or will date someday?
Most men don't plan on turning into a just sexual affair. They get sucked in because they want sex. Screw up. Agree to things they're not ready for and then back out.
You're not being played. Trust me they're not that clever, willing, or capable of playing you.
You can read all about players and how to assure you NEVER get truly used or played ever again right here:
Remember above:
Most men, when they're physically attracted to you, want to have sex with you.
Telling you that's all they want is impossible when they're not sure themselves about what to expect or where things might go in the future.
Being upfront and honest is a great idea when it comes to attractively communicating what someone is looking for and it's highly advisable to do so early enough, but...
Since so many men believe women are not as accepting, willing, or even capable of casual no-strings attached sex, bringing it up is highly likely to assure it never happens or will be followed by drama or something worse - being trapped in a relationship he didn't want.
He'll do what he can to avoid a quick rejection or failure by refraining or holding back the "sex" talk.
What happens after or during the dating process, sex or no sex, will often have the woman believe or see things from her perspective which is not always wrong or right, but can easily be seen as something else.
As in being lied to or played when in fact - it's not the case.
We'd ALL love complete honesty from those around us. Being upfront is certainly a communicative trait in someone which highly respectable and often prized.
However - When it comes to dating and sex, it's not all this or that.
The lines are often muddled or changed through our beliefs and the experiences which shape them over time.
It may be impossible to be completely honest all the time without ruining or stopping something which wasn't given a chance to even turn into something more.
And it's definitely impossible to communicate something which is not even known to the person.
The quote below makes a clear point that sure, the guy is just being honest based on his feelings, but in the process he only destroys or stops anything from happening in the future because of it...
"You’re on a third date with a guy. He looks you in the eyes, lovingly.
He grabs your hand. He offers up a nervous smile.
And he says, in a romantic whisper…
“You know, I’ve been thinking about you a lot since we first met last Tuesday.
And I feel we’ve got some amazing chemistry that I don’t get very often on my other coffee dates.
For that reason, I think that you could be the one for me.
So… are you dating anybody else right now?
Are you serious about marriage and having kids?
Are you interested in spending the holidays with my family? Where is this relationship going?”
Check, please!
These are the kind of words you want to hear eventually from a guy you’ve learned to care about; they are not what you want to hear from a total stranger who doesn’t know anything about you.
In fact, it’s kind of weird for a guy to “just know” that he wants a commitment with you so soon."
The Secret to Keeping a Man: Forget the Future, Enjoy the Present
Hi Pete,
I met my guy online (this is how he liked to meet women) he was a bit younger then me, he had a total Batchelor pad. Not the commitment type.
But we loved hanging out always had the best time, but there was times he would push me away, I dont want to see you tonight. I respected his space then later in the night he would want me to stay over.
I have a kid btw single mom.
I asked why he would simply say I’m confused not sure what to do, I like spending time with you but not sure I’m ready for a kid in my life.
I said I completely understand but I have a kid I can’t just goof around.
We continued to see eachother fell for one another then he asked me to move in.
We discussed alot about what is important to us values what we arent comfortable with in a relationship.
I explained that people earn my trust because of my past. Told him I need him to be honest no matter how ugly and to communicate things with me.
I told him I’m not comfortable with porn because of past relationships how the guy results to porn and neglected me, not showing me respect.
He said he wont watch he agreed he wouldn’t feel comfortable with me doing that eaither, unless both people are comfortable i feel its not right.
I feel as long as people agree that they can both be happy.
Only I didn’t know how sever his porn addiction really was. 6 months living together I catch him in the act, now we were rushing home to be intimate he said he was going to have a smoke.
I walked by the window blinds were down but slightly open, we keep stuff by the window (paper,pen ect) i was grabbing a pen i glanced up and saw he was looking at naked women, half naked women.
I was in shock because I trusted him, he always said I would tell you if I do, that he doesn’t.
I would ask time to time to give him opportunity to open up about it as I’ve been told its a guy thing.
In that moment I was crushed he was scanning through pictures zoomed in ect I have a few imprinted in my mind.
The part that stumbled me was he didn’t Google them or porn site it was social media women he could converse with comment on.
I was so upset and hurt what I saw how much enjoyment and most of all he actually lied to me. Not knowing if he is cheating.
I started shaking all over it physically hurt I loved him so much. I just opened the blinds and looked at him.
He switched to his game.
He ran in he said whats wrong (was he cheating, did he need that to be intimate with me how could he lie were thoughts of mine) I said I saw what you were looking at he tired to lie to my face still going no I wasn’t like I didn’t see what I saw.
He told me the truth finally he never stopped looking he loves looking at women he didn’t tell me out of fear how I would react not wanting to hurt me. He was sorry he lied swears he wasn’t talking to women.
He didn’t want to lose me he loves me, he told me its an addiction he wants to stop. I didn’t believe him but i said I would give him benefit of a doubt.
A month later I find out we are pregnant. Supposed to be a happy time but we are struggling with trust now I said what if I did that to you.
He told me he wouldn’t like it, I said we agreed as a couple. But he is selfish and a hipacret that he lied hid to get what he wanted but I wasn’t aloud. Its not fair I said if do then I get too.
A guys ego can’t handle his women doing the same thing.
Alot of problems happened but I chose to stay. Fast forward just had the baby he is about 2months old went camping, I hear a beep in his phone I was changing baby in tent by myself. (We had access to eachothers phones his way of proving nothing to hid)
I open it and on his snap chat he said hey there to a women name person never heard of said he sent 1 day ago, we are just over 1 year and half in our relationship, we just had a baby and on family camping trip. When did he send this, why,who is she is he cheating, is he lying again.
I told him what I saw he said he never sent that and that he used to talk to alot of women and maybe it just went threw randomly now. He also had ex gf on his Facebook he had deleted ect.
He proved that something weird happened on Facebook this happened to few people. Still didn’t answer snap chat im in my 30 k I have snap chat but I dont know every detail how it works.
Kept in back of mind month so later he was being weird so I asked him can I see your phone said no problem scan scan, snap chat again showed recent people search random women one was the same name as the girl from camping.
This time I looked into snap chat details how it worked. I told him you didn’t send that text over two years ago that impossible even if she just opened it wouldn’t say one day.
Told him his recent searches of women and also told him he needed to tell me the truth snap chat has a data base that you can access to see old pictures message names of people you talked to, that he needs to be honest about everything or I know he is lying.
This guy will only tell truth if you have proof.
So he opened up told me he stopped for a bit after getting caught but then started again he would look while at work, he couldn’t satisfy himself at work with what he saw so whenever he got chance to be intimate with me he would picture the girl.
Not only was he looking at pictures he never stopped he lied but wasn’t normal porn he was talking to women getting pictures from them complimenting them. Its premium subscription to girls on snap chat who take pictures of themselves you can meet with escorts ect. He couldn’t pay because I do the finances.
So he would manipulate them into sending free pictures. He has lied and hid other things.
Randomly around the same time I noticed hand and foot print on my window of truck hand first few days later foot.
He said he carpool one of the guys did hand thing but not sure about foot.
Maybe you maybe our kid who 8 I said that’s possible but my kid doesn’t sit in the front and isn’t ever left alone. I know wasn’t me or kid.
He said nothing could happen I said very well could we have a truck I showed him.
He still gets defensive when I bring it up this happened 1 month ago been together 2 years our kid together is 7months.
He says I have lied done alot of stupid crap but I would leave before I would cheat he said I would never cross that line.
Isn’t it cheating emotionally when you talk to other women getting naked pictures? Compliments to them never complimenting me neglecting me sexually. (Am I overreacting here)
Countless lying ?
If hes willing to lie about the little things what else is he willing to lie about?
Honestly he has alot to lose his family, his faithful honest partner, his reputation. I feel he could cheat and lie whats stopping him. I dont feel he would leave before doing something stupid.
I told him he can always come to talk to me hes always lied had bad reactions I said cause your lying. The times he has been honest its been good for him so I dont know why he fears being honest?
Hes doing counseling the over this he says its an addiction to look at women but would never cheat. He talks to someone twice a month but they ask him to write notes about his thoughts ect he never does.
I feel like hes doing the phone call to keep me feeling hes working at it but hes not making an real effort.
The car foot print is he lying did he cheat? I hate not knowing.
Not sure if I should leave or stay with someone who is bound to continue lying and doing stuff behind my back?
Hes the best guy in everyday good yo me and the kids but he already had his second chance, he lying and doing who knows what.
Thank you
“Telling a woman we’re only looking for sex is not typically in our best interest and can often lead to worse problems with dramatic results we like to avoid.”
But this only leads to wasting everyone’s time and worse results at the end of it all. I’m sick of men wasting my time!
You’re absolutely right Lisa.
But we all, women and men alike, tend to act with our own best interest in mind.
Not too much can be done about that.
However… If you feel men are wasting your time because they’re ONLY looking for sex from you and won’t be upfront about it, there are always clever ways to have it happen less and learn something from the experience too.
Hi Pete,
I was talking to this boy for awhile over snap, and one day we hung out. The night didn’t go terrible but I think I made it awkward and maybe gave mixed signals. The boy snapped me the following morning but it was only a streak photo nothing like he usually sent, and that has been going on ever since. We may exchange a few snaps but it always ends in me being left on read. Sometimes if I start the convo he’ll respond but it won’t really go anywhere. I’m confused on why if he lost interest he continues to keep some contact? Why he wouldn’t of just cut off contact? I don’t know whether to ask him about it, just deal with the hot and cold snaps, or if I should cut the contact off myself.
Here’s your answer Angie:
Are You Unsure About A Guy? What You Need So You’re Never Left On Read
Pete
Hi Tam,
I’d be interested to hear how your story ended, because I know this Indian guy too and he left it with ‘take care’ also. I have no idea if I’m going to hear from him again.
I met a guy over an app the last day of my vacation in Paris.I decided to give it a go and accepted a drink invitation.I told him that it was my last day in Paris and that I had only an hour for him, but he wanted to meet and agreed on my terms.I didn’t expect anything to happen since I had to travel back to my country the next morning.
We met at 10pm in a local bar,had interesting chat and as time was passing I felt that I was falling for him.I forgot about time and stayed with him until the bar was closed and until the last minute of my flight.We didn’t have sex, he begged me to stay and insisted to meet again.
He was very considerate and kind, he texted me almost every day to see when we can meet. He is very busy but was ready to do everything to see me, he invited me on a business trip with him, invited me to Paris and even wanted to come to my country.He said he would make time for me wherever and whenever I am able to come. I waited for a week to see if I really feel something for him, and after 2 weeks agreed to visit him in Paris.
I said that I was uncomfortable to meet him in his town and his house, but he did everything to convince me to come and feel safe. He even rented me a flat near his home so I could choose where I want to stay. He was with me all the time(except a few hours he needed to be in the office) of my 4day trip. He asked me what I would like to see and do in Paris with him and made all my wishes come true. He didn’t meet anyone and wanted to devote himself to me.He didn’t use his phone when with me and asked me to do the same. He treated me with respect and showed affection. We had sex,of course, and I think he liked it, but after the first day, he began to windthrow. I mean he was still very kind,but didn’t want to force sex. He felt tired(which I know was true) and didn’t want to kiss me,as he did,but he wanted to hug me and would fall asleep like that, holding me in his arms(I can’t sleep in someone’s arms, but liked being in his until I turned to my side of the bed).I noticed that he got excited every time I kissed him,but he was avoiding my kiss(which was not the case on our first date).He wanted to satisfy me in the bed.It was more important for him to satisfy me than himself(which is a bit odd, but I guess he wanted to be a man).
Last day of my trip I asked him why he had chosen me among all girls in Paris,he could have any girl he wanted.He is handsome,intelligent,hard-working,traditional(Indian),well-off and he told me he would tell me later. At lunchtime, he told me that I’m a great person and he would like to stay in touch with me, but he doesn’t feel that we match because it’d be LDR. He didn’t look me in the eyes when he told me this. I agreed and told him I feel the same(but deep inside I wanted to die) and we went to his home. He could see that I would like this to be continued but he stuck to what he had said.He asked me where I want to spend my last day and was there for me until the last minute of my stay. We slept in separate rooms and he told me to wake him up when I was ready to leave(I had to leave his flat in the middle of the night), but he woke up by himself as he heard me getting ready to leave. He called me a taxi and hugged me before I left. He was standing at his door and watching me as I got into a taxi and didn’t move until the vehicle disappeared from his sight. He texted me to let him know when I board the flight. He also texted me to see if I arrived safe and his last message was: ”Take care and all the best.I hope our paths will cross again” we are both 32
I admit I’ve seriously fallen for him.What I like, beside his physical appearance, is his view of life, traditional beliefs and healthy lifestyle. He is a rare creature in this busy spoiled modern world.
Maybe it was just my impression, but I would like to get to know him more…but don’t know how/if it’s possible
Hi Pete ,
My problem is I have been on and off with the same guy for almost a year now . I have dated a few people in between the time that we were not together but we got back together and he has been ignoring talking to me face to face . He will send texts and tell me how he feels but he reasoning for not coming up to me is because he has family issues at the moment but never wants to talk about it . He wants to be single but wants a relationship at the same time . If I want to meet somewhere he will blow me off and not show up . I am very hurt and confused . He wants to be sexual but how can I if he can’t carry a simple conversation with me ?
Hi Jordan,
I believe you said it all – he’s confused. He doesn’t know what he wants. He can sleep with you but not talk to you.
IF a guy is talking about wanting a relationship and wanting to be single at the same time – he’s simply not feeling the commitment. Guys who are ready and capable and meet a woman where they feel like she could possibly be the one, ACT like it.
No “face to face” means a lot here. He’s avoiding something. He’s not saying anything real. He’s blowing you off. ALL are clear signs that more in going on the background which you don’t know about AND he’s probably just “keeping you around” just in case. The just in case can be anything from sex to the occasional Ego boost.
Wishing you the best Jordan,
Pete
What causes the overnight change from “I love you” to “I’m not ready”?
Hey Carey,
I’m sure it varies from guy to guy and from situation to situation but I will say is that us guys tend to live day to day. Generally speaking of course because you’ll always find men who tend to live either too much in the past or too much in the future.
Aside from them or not – this day to day thing often confuses women because on some days you are our everything and it feels right. On other days when we might get frustrated and question the whole thing. On some days we feel trapped and start to miss our freedom. So, depending on our mood and thoughts for the day, it’s all too easy to say ” I love you” but the next day we’re thinking about the consequences of those words.
Maybe we’re a little indecisive but I don’t think it’s that at all. It’s definitely more of HOW we’re feeling at that particular time. That time could be a day or a week or a month before it all catches up with us.
I believe women change their mood quite often based on many different things and stimulus and although some guys are like that, most of us are not. So if you put it in that perspective, while your mood or emotions might change up to three times in one hour, it takes much longer for us…
When we’re happy we stay that way until something changes it. When we’re sad, it stays that way for a while. When we’re in love we feel in love until something else happens… which is usually fear, a fear of loss of freedom, a feeling of not being a capable provider. So we still feel in love but when too many future thoughts scare us or make us question if it’s right – we back down.
Now don’t get me wrong men CAN emotional shift on a dime but it’s usually anger and not love. Anger for lots of guys happens quick and often dissipates rather quickly which is often replaced by something else.
Love lingers longer and is not often replaced by anything else.
The REAL problem here is then assuming when a guy says he loves you, that he is ready. When it’s not always or often true. “I love you” is simply an expression of how we feel and not a declaration of the future. “I love you” is how we’re feeling in that moment (when it’s said from the heart). The next day, when we say “We’re not ready…” THAT is us saying exactly what it means. We love you but we’re not ready (not sure, not confident, not assured) for whatever those personal reasons are which can be anything.
So yes, it’s true, most of our emotions do change slowly. When a guy falls in real love with a woman it could last a lifetime or so he’ll believe it BUT it in no way means he’s ready, willing, or feels capable of making it into something more.
Hope that helps you out Carey and doesn’t confuse you more. 🙂
Remember – guys have a difficult time communicating certain things and we’re generally very straightforward. At least we believe we are.
Your guy friend,
Pete