Please tell me if you think this guy is still interested in me or not. And if I should initiate contact with him by sms. We had a second date where we kissed on the date and he told me I was attractive. He was also keen to make plans for another date, and we set a date for the following week. Before the date ended there were some periods of awkward silences before we said goodbye with a kiss on the lips. I didn’t get any sms from him so I sent him a quick sms two days later to ask how he was. He responded the next morning and apologised for the delayed response and gave a quick response to my text.
The day before our third date he sent me an sms apologising that he had to cancel the date because he was behind with work and was leaving to go overseas for work for a week. He mentioned something about catching up when he got back, and said he would call me when he got back.
It’s been almost a week since he was back and he hasn’t contacted me. I’m confused about whether he is still interested in me or if he has changed him mind. (Maybe he decided we have nothing to talk about and nothing in common? ) Or if he is genuinely still busy and can’t make any plans with me? If he doesn’t contact me before the end of the week, should I contact him? Or should I take it as a sign that he is not interested in anymore dates with me? I would really appreciate your advice!
Hello Liz,
Awkward silences do not necessarily mean he has lost interest or that you had nothing in common.
In fact, some men revel in the silences IF they know what they’re doing with women. Unfortunately 8 to 9 out of every 10 guys just don’t get that.
They think like you do – silence might mean… nothing in common, nothing to talk about, no real connection.
The men who DO know what they’re doing actually use those silences to create tension. It’s not always a sexual tension or teasing but it can be BUT they are extremely important in the dating process.
As far as I’m concerned, “awkward silences” in this case simply means you and your date are falling into a dating mold which is, well kind of boring and routine.
And if the date is boring and routine – chemistry seems to take a back seat no matter how well-connected two people are.
That could’ve easily happened here.
I’m not saying it’s your fault – it doesn’t matter whose is at fault here unless he set up the dates and tried to bore you into his life.
In that case, trust me, it’s HIS problem not yours.
Let me tell you a not-so-secret about men… They’re always busy. They always got “something” going on.
Unless they rarely work, never go out, have no life and family, they’re always going to be “busy.”
Now the real secret is which most women miss or care to “not think about.”
If you give a guy every reason to want to see you again, to have him feel compelled to be with you, to send his mind racing, wondering, feeling urgent because he believes some other guy’s going to snatch you up right underneath him….
Suddenly he finds time for you.
Suddenly he’s rearranging his schedule for YOU.
Meet the “wrong” guy and he’s so far up your ass it makes YOU want to run and avoid his constant messages.
Don’t get me wrong.
There are times when a guy’s life is not structured enough to fit you in and quite honestly, if you’re meeting men who don’t know how to take care of the simple details of life, like finding time for other people outside of work, then I’m going to say:
Start looking elsewhere because those guys probably have very little control of their life and fitting you in, means you waiting… and waiting… and waiting…
“What you’re experiencing when you’re trying to figure out if a certain guy or a group of men like you is doubt about yourself. Which has little or nothing to do with him or them. A Man’s World Exposed – How To Tell If A Guy Likes You – Is He Really Interested?
Okay let’s get back to your personal situation.
He said he believed you are attractive… but did he make YOU FEEL attractive?
It doesn’t sound like it because of something you said which clued me in,
“Maybe HE decided we have nothing to talk about and nothing in common?”
He kissed you and set up a date while on the second one BUT flaked out, canceled, and barely got in touch with you after a week or two.
You sent him a text, after the second date, asking “how he was” and it took him a half-day to get back.
He cancelled the date via a text message and said we should catch up sometime soon because he’s kind of busy.
He said he would call but he didn’t.
He made you feel like it was HIS decision alone to decide whether or not you have something in common.
Which by the way, men and women rarely have “things in common” because so many of them just live completely separate existences.
What works better is when both people find something new and exciting to share. That way they’re not stuck on making a connection or finding things in common.
It’s a tougher route but trust me, much more rewarding AND you get to share the awkward silences too and possibly enjoy them.
Alright now, I’m not going to say he definitely lost interest.
He felt attracted to you. Got you out. Kissed you and set up a another date.
To me, that’s interest.
BUT I will say it’s not up to the guy to decide the interest leaving you in a state of waiting around for HIM to come around.
BE interesting and so be it when certain guys are not all the say they are OR don’t know how to share a real experience with you.
In the world of dating, your time frame is completely legitimate.
Two weeks is NOT that long and some guys who ARE interested might not get back to you as often as you’d like.
BUT again, it’s his choice. It’s his life, structured or not.
When HE decides to not contact you longer than you want or expect… Why should HIS interest be the deciding factor in your life?
The best advice I can give you is – NO.
Don’t contact him again and if he does make sure a few things happen or else walk away:
1. No typical date routines.
Either one of you sets up something that is fun and exciting or different or something new to share or tell him you’re sorry but YOU’RE just not interested.
*At DiaLteG I stress the importance of fun dates to all my guys. You can find a great list here to help you out: 32 Great Date Places – Where To Go and Meet Up.
2. He makes you FEEL attractive by any means possible.
Don’t settle for a compliment or a prelude to a kiss.
EXPECT more.
EXPECT the right guy who is not going to leave you around “wondering” what happened, will make you FEEL attractive through his actions and how he treats you.
“When you explore all your options, trust me you’ll have very little time wondering why one guy hasn’t texted you back, or whether he is interested in you or not, or even if he was just hoping for a quick lay. Do Men Ever Date Girls More Than Once If They Are Not Attracted To Or Interested In?
Such as flirting incessantly. Acting a little nervous at times. Afraid to acknowledge other women when he’s around you. Setting up dates, long or short, which just might leave you breathless.
Of course you should be dating other guys in the mean time that way his lack of interest won’t be a factor at all.
If he’s genuinely busy and is not making time for you over several weeks AND is failing to keep in touch – I highly doubt he should be dating women in the first place.
Maybe just a quick coffee or drink or two and then it’s back to life.
Now after all this… Should you take what’s he done as a sign that he is not interested in anymore dates?
Well the biggest sign a stand-up guy gives you when they’re not interested anymore is a call to action,
“You’re a marvelous women but I’m just not feeling it and the last thing I want to do is waste our time trying to make something out of it.”
Short of that, the longer there’s no contact the greater the chance you won’t hear from him again because he won’t come out and say it.
If you wish, stick to my advice above and if you don’t hear from him OR if you do but he doesn’t follow the rules I’ve listed above…
His lack of interest should pale in comparison to YOUR lack of interest in waiting around for him to decide.
As always… wishing you all the best of luck and I do sincerely hope this has answered your question… Pete
Hi Pete,
Thank you so much for answering my question. I was blown away when I saw that you had written a whole article on it! You’re the best!!
I want to follow up on what I had written as I thought you might be interested to know how things have developed and I am hoping you may give me more insight into this guy.
So I ended up making a decision to send the guy a quick sms, before that week ended, as I was making myself mad thinking about when and if he would contact me. At the risk of being seen as needy or desperate, I had to do it for my sanity. I don’t think he would have contacted me otherwise. But to my surprise, after a few sms exchanges, he suggested that we could catch up if I liked. So I agreed and we had another ‘date’ which went well and I feel like we got closer than last time and we had a good time. But again I haven’t heard from him since then. Is it too much to expect an sms from a guy in between dates just to say ‘hi, hows it going?’. Is it a sign of wavering interest or uncertainty? I feel that he likes me and is interested in me when we are together however I have doubts when I don’t hear from him and there is no contact afterwards. I agree with you 100% that I am just doubting myself when I question a guy’s interest in me. But when a guy is ‘passive-agreesive’ I don’t know what to think. I definitely don’t want to wait around for him to decide either, I just can’t work out if something is there or not, which stops me from just forgetting about him. I like this guy and want there to be something and this keeps me on the edge hoping for his next move.
I also get the feeling that he dates a lot of women because he said he has been ‘dating’ but not in a serious relationship for some time. How do I know if he considers me as just another date or if he is interested in dating me? If I see him again how do I put it to him that I am only interested in seeing him if he is interested in dating me exclusively? How do I ask him if he is dating anyone else in a way that does not make me sound insecure? Can I even ask a guy that question without sounding like I don’t trust him?
Hello again Liz,
Glad you enjoy the post. You made me feel like I AM the best. 😀
Okay… a rule of dating… if you’re doing all the work, then it’s NOT working.
Likewise for the guy. If he’s doing all the work, it’s not working for her, right?
Now, you are just another date to him BUT only because it’s too early for him to commit. Ne needs time to figure that all out by himself… naturally. Organically.
Here’s a great quote I stand by,
“Commitment is serious, and it’s impossible for a reasonable man with any integrity or life experience to definitively tell you that he’ll love you forever.
That’s why he’s dating you – to figure out over the next few years whether you’re “the one” before he proposes.”
http://www.whydoguys.com/newsletter-questions-answers-truth-about-men/keeping-man-interested-you-what-to-do-right/
In fact I would read that entire article because there’s so much about you and your situation in it. I’m hoping it will stop you from having “the talk” way too early with him.
I understand you want him to date you exclusively.
I understand you want to know if he’s dating other women.
And I would definitely assume if you like him this much, he’s dating other women. If you value your choice in men highly you’ll see how other women might value him too… right?
Personally I think it’s too early to expect him to exclusively date you.
Men need to come to that conclusion on their own accord and most men, when it feels right, will slowly stop dating other women.
If you want to move things along quicker than he does, then you have all the power to do so BUT you have to look for a guy who moves at your pace and who wants to commit quicker.
You can’t push it on any guy and expect it to work because it rarely does.
Wishing you all the best,
Pete
What do you think about nice men who are intimidated by beautiful women? How can a beautiful woman (fed up with player hunters) pursue a good nice man without seeming desperate ? Can she pursue him several times if he doesn’t do it at all? People tell me that I am too pretty and because of my career nice men are scared. I am so polite and nice to all people, shall I give up my career or stay single? I cannot wait for the nice guy to come, because I have a certain age.
This is a pattern, good men run away, players look for me just to dump me and brag.
Let’s say I meet a sweet man, I talked to him, then later I wrote him an email asking him out. He answered yes, we went out, he seemed shy and his face was red. He did not call since then, nor write me . I think, let’s say 70% that he liked me, but I feel shy to write him again. We have no friends in common, I only have that mail. What do you suggest? Thank you
Georgiana,
Here’s something I came up with for you:
http://www.whydoguys.com/pretty-career-feels-good-men-run-players-play/
Pete
This guy makes consistent looks at me, some with smiles and some not. He does it when I’m not looking and when I am. When we have conversations, they are short and not in depth. Lately, he is acting different, such as ignoring me (or so it seems), although he still continues to glance and look at me. I notice that he talks to his friends all the time, will look at me and then laugh. I think that he knows that I am attracted to him (and possibly his friends know as well). I just want to know whether I should ask him whether he is interested in me or if I should just move on.
Steph, you would be very surprised how many guys actually don’t have a clue a woman might be attracted to her.
Of course I would never ask a guy if he’s interested in you but why move on?
When a guy has a few conversations with a woman he’s attracted to and the conversation don’t seem to go anywhere, typically he believes it’s because you are not interested.
With that said – I would put yourself in a better position to start talking again and then change the dynamics of your conversations with him. The problem is probably that the conversations were short and not encouraging (lack of chemistry) and not an attraction thing.
From there, you will have a better opportunity to understand whether he is attracted to you or not.
Pete