Hi Pete
So I would like to know, what are some red flags that a woman should look for that shows that we might not be the only woman the guy we’re seeing is seeing?
Hi Tara,
There are two red flags to look out for to determine whether a guy is seeing other woman.
The first one deals with a guy you’re not seeing exclusively.
1. No commitment.
Not that it’s a bad thing BUT if a guy is not committing to you over a reasonable amount of time, it could be that he’s either seeing other woman, looking elsewhere, or he doesn’t feel like you may be the only one for him.
It’s not bad because as guys ( and women too ) I feel it’s important to explore lots of options before we commit to anyone. Depending on a few factors like age and circumstance that could be several years.
If you’re not exclusively dating I would assume AND expect he IS seeing other women too.
Personally I’d be more worried that he’s not dating or seeing at least one or more other women because there might be something deeper going on and he could just want to date forever with no real commitment.
I have to assume Tara you’re exclusively dating this guy and it’s been agreed upon verbally.
If that’s the case the second red flag that he’s seeing another woman is…
2. A sudden change in behavior.
Secrets seem to be appearing where there wasn’t ones before like where he’s going, what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with.
If he’s given information like that before freely, without you having to ask, and now suddenly withholds it and argues with you over it, then something could be wrong.
Men who are cheating might also begin to act more “nicely” out of guilt.
For example he might ( suddenly ) become a little more attentive to your needs then he was in the past. More specifically look for the smaller things.
I’d say a man who is feeling guilty AND cheating will go overboard to avoid having a fight with you because that’s when the secrets seem to come up.
The opposite is also true depending on WHY he’s seeing another woman.
If he suddenly begins getting jealous, asking you a lot of questions, accusing you of cheating on him, it’s normally a sign he wants out of the relationship.
I believe the not-so-hard rule would be:
If he’s seeing other women because he’s feels unfulfilled in your current relationship he’ll be more attentive, act guilty, engage you more privately… things that might help to ease the pain of guilt. He’ll feel bad for hurting you.
If he’s seeing other women because he wants out he might begin to accuse you or exonerate his actions by suddenly turning everything bad on you.
Expect THAT guy to be a little too sensitive and curious.
The next behavior change to look out for is his phone habits.
Lots of guys carry their phone around but I’ve found most of them aren’t glued to it. His cell phone habits might give away something peculiar is happening.
He’ll start carrying his phone around more, the battery will drain quicker, and if he’s smart he won’t be just putting it anywhere.
A new-found interest in his computer might also throw up a red flag like staying up late to use it and caring a little too much about maintaining it. Typically the history, emails, and photos.
Most red flags also appear where you’re less likely to look but again have to do with sudden changes in behavior:
- Showering more.
- Changing his deodorant.
- Dressing better for work.
- Exercising more.
- A need to eat more meat.
- More energy.
- Waking up overly hard in the morning.
All those are signs his testosterone is up and I’m not entirely sure, this is just a theory, but I DO believe lots of men might be getting a boost of testosterone if they’re seeing more than one woman.
Another way to look at this problem is to consider the two types of cheaters and THEN check for the sudden ( although sometimes subtle ) behavior changes.
The unfulfilled guy will tend to act from within.
The internal struggle becomes a burden.
He’s shameful, doesn’t want to hurt you, and feels ( or felt ) he couldn’t come to you with this problem of his fulfillment and therefore looks elsewhere out of frustration.
He’s afraid to piss you off and suddenly begins to go out of his way to make sure you’re happy.
The “other” guy, maybe he wants out of the relationship, maybe he committed through words but wasn’t ready, maybe he told you this was exclusive just to tell you what you wanted to hear…
He acts externally and is more sensitive or more apt to fight with you over the small things.
His sudden change of behavior is almost always directed outwardly and finds ways to explain his actions through blind logic, a loss of empathy towards you and your problems, AND a social life which is erratic and unpredictable.
If you know the “type” of guy you’re seeing, you should also be able to determine whether the red flags are actually red flags and not just you worrying because for some reason, you don’t feel like you could keep the guy you’re with happy.
Again let me point out…
Expect the guy you’re seeing IS seeing other women and unless there’s been an agreed upon exclusiveness to your relationship, give yourself credit for dating a guy who has choices.
You two might not end up together BUT if that does happen and he was dating 2, 3, 4 other women over a period of time and STOPPED seeing them because of you…
You can call that a huge “green” flag and a good sign of things to come.
Thanks for writing in Tara and I do hope you found a few of these flags helpful in your current situation and hopefully… things work out for the best.
4 comments… add one
Hello Peter,
I have a question regarding this topic, because my situation is slightly different and I’d just like to know what could have possible went on inside his head.
The guy and me met at university last september, he’s German, I’m Dutch. He already liked me before I liked him, we kissed at Halloween, and after that there was still flirting from time to time (and at moments I started just doing my own thing and didn’t focus on him at all he would suddenly pop up to get attention from me) and that increased especially the two weeks before Christmas break. But he never asked me out.
What I found out (much much later) is that in December he started seeing this other girl in his hometown. No problem since we were not even dating, and it’s much easier for him since she’s German and we are from different countries anyway, but he did start to want attention from me more while he was dating her… Anyway in the Christmas break I didn’t see/speak to him at all, and he and that girl appartenly got officially into a relationship. then when we came back to university in January, he started chasing me like crazy. The very first day he was everywhere, he always wanted attention so much, our chemistry raised with a factor 100 and he kept saying ”we should go do this and that” (since we have so many shared interests like sports and music). He even mentioned sometimes that I’m not like any girl he knows. He just couldn’t stay away, all my friends saw it and were so happy for me. He never mentioned her name when we got back from Christmas, not once. No one knew about this girl. But at the end of January, 3 days after a party where he would dance with me, continuously putting his hand on my waist and hold me against him, everything you do when you like a girl a lot and want her close (it felt like we were a couple), I find out he has a girlfriend. This came as the biggest shock ever, I had no idea, he kept her a secret very well and therefore I also obviously raised my game with him, I thought we were approaching the dating phase!!
Now I have taken off my pink glasses I could always tell he was kind of an immature guy (he’s 23), he always laughs the loudest and needs to be friends with everyone, and especially from the way he chased me sometimes I could tell he’s kind of insecure and needs attention or validation (this might be part of an explanation?) Also there were moments in January that he would suddenly ignore me, but then I let it be and the next day he came running after me again. Because I didn’t start chasing him then, I always kept being chilled and cool, I made him work to earn my attention. And he always said we should do stuff together, but he never actually took the action of planning it…
What happened afterwards is that I confronted him on facebook, and I did not show any emotions but I just plainly said very straightforward that what he did was wrong and I would never have allowed him to act that way with me if I had known.
This was a month ago and I got over it, he’s not worth my time and I’ve seen him around university but either he didn’t see me or he’s too afraid to come over to me (or he doesn’t care but I find that hard to believe…)
What I am wondering, especially since I want to make this a good learning experience, is why would a guy do that, did he use me or was there actually something there? Especially since he raised his game with me after he got official with her… I hope you could help me out a bit, I would appreciate it a lot!
Kind regards
Hello Linda,
I believe there was something there. He already had one woman, someone who probably made it easy on him to get her, but he wanted something more… you… because you challenged him on every level.
Men do love the chase and will constantly find one to chase even if they’re in a relationship.
Chances are he wanted it all. Sex with you and a girlfriend at home. Don’t get me wrong, sex with you could’ve easily made him break up with his girlfriend but who knows what would have happened when he went home for breaks.
You said it all…
If he ( or any guy) is terribly insecure and finds a way to build that security with women, will tend to always search for different women to make them feel better.
It happens often.
We build our perception of ourselves based on how women see us or act around us.
Whether we’re in a relationship or not doesn’t seem to matter much depending of course on the nature and strength of that relationship.
Being validating can be big deal for lots of men especially if that validation is tied to our attractiveness, our masculinity, and how we constantly seek respect and admiration from those around us.
Thanks for writing Linda. Hope that does help you understand this guy a little better,
Pete
Hi Peter,
I had a similar experience and that got me questioning until now.
I got into a relationship with my bf from October 2014. He told me he was single. And as what I know, he is single. We are in the same church.
A month later, I found out that there’s a girl sending him birthday cake with wording “Happy bday my love”. I asked him who it was, he said his ex. This made me uneasy, especially I found out this girl keep contacting him, texting and phone calls.
On December, I confronted him and ask for explanation. He said he was in a backstreet relationship with a girl (named T) for 5 yrs!! But her family didn’t approve the relationship, so it will go nowhere.
I was shocked. Why does he go into a relationship with me?
He said,” I know that it is hopeless with her, so I open myself up to meet other girls, and when we met, I feel that we share lots of things in common, I feel connected and our family approved, so I will go forward with you and end it with her”. He even asked me to marry him. we’ve only been together for 6 months. He even processed the premartial letter at church.
On February, he met T and told her “it is best to move on with our own life, since our backstreet relationship isn’t going anywhere and has no future.” Then he officially broke up with her on March 1, 2015.
I am glad that he is serious with me, but Peter, I have to be honest, I am also very scared. His words are not consistent. First he said, he is not the type of man who keep in touch with his ex, he doesn’t care, if accidently meet at a place, just a simple hi. (he proved this because we met his other ex, (not T) and they say hi, light chat, and that’s it).
But after breaking up with T, he said they remain friends. If there is communication, it is just as friends, or business partner. I feel disappointed. I feel that somehow my bf still wants to be nice, keep contact, with T.
I told him about my worries, I said I dont want T to be a shadow in our family, we are getting married soon. I dont want you to keep in touch with her by any means of communication, and no business relation as well. because I dont want your feelings toward her come again.
He said, “you worry too much, over worry.. business is business, no feelings attached. You can’t control my life and my business. it is my privacy to do business with whoever I want”
But on the other hand, he said he needs 2 months before telling T that he is getting married with me.. Isn’t it confusing?
Peter, I’m not trying to control his life. But I am seriously worry that his feelings is not over toward T and might flame up again one day, even after my marriage. I am afraid that he will cheat to her.. (I mean, he did involve himself with relationship with 2 girls, me and T, before breaking up with T). So in some way, his behaviour was not faithful, right?
What should I do, Peter?
I discussed this with him over and over, but we can’t come up with agreement. We keep fighting over and over again. Never ending war. And now he gave me silent treatment.
He always say “you always look back and focus on problems that are actually done. I broke up with T. Over. Why can’t you focus on the future?”
While on the other hand, I am too afraid to walk to the future, because of his past and his inconsistency.
We are getting married at the end of this year.
He gave me silent treatment and ask me to rethink about the wedding plan.
If I want to continue the wedding plan, then I should not worry and be suspicious to him..
Please help me out, Peter..
Thanks so much
Hello Stefanie,
Tough problem. I hear you and I can see how you’d be upset by all this.
I can also see how you might be concerned in the future… especially since it’s apparent this other woman isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
If I had the ultimate answer for you, I would certainly give it but I don’t.
This is about trust between you and him AND it’s about a risk all relationships seem to dabble in.
The thing is, his feelings for her actually haven’t gone anywhere. As he admitted, the relationship couldn’t go anywhere so it didn’t. They didn’t break it off because of fighting or a difference of opinion or even for a lack of love and attraction.
Obviously I’m in no position to tell you what to do. All I can say is this doubt you’re having, if it’s doesn’t go anywhere, if you don’t find a way around it, will tend to follow and disrupt your relationship.
And that’s where the trust and risk come into play.
If you sincerely don’t trust him, if you’re not willing ti risk it because your gut is telling you he’s never going to let her go… then you have your answer.
If you’re willing to trust him and you firmly believe the marriage is worth this risk, then you have your answer there too.
Personally, strictly my opinion because as you know I am NOT a counselor.
I’m just some dude with lots of opinions and a blatant instinct into the male
mind…
You’re both getting married too quickly and not far enough along from his breakup. I think he needs more time to sort out his feelings with her and jumping into something new this quickly, may not be the best thing to do for either one of you.
I’m not saying the relationship needs to end, just that his proposal to you came a little too quick from the hip, and he could be using it to escape having to deal with the loss of a loved one for reasons neither one of them seemed to have caused.
And that’s a huge red flag as far as I’m concerned.
No matter what you choose, consider it all. Consider his defense of his situation and how hard he’s fighting for it. Consider your objections to his “friendship” with her and how it affects the communication between you and him.
The answer you’re looking for might be clearer than you think and I’m terribly sorry that I can’t make it for you.
I can only hope this has helped you a little and as always wish you and your guy all the best no matter what you both decided to do.
Pete