Hi Pete
So I would like to know, what are some red flags that a woman should look for that shows that we might not be the only woman the guy we’re seeing is seeing?
Hi Tara,
There are two red flags to look out for to determine whether a guy is seeing other woman.
The first one deals with a guy you’re not seeing exclusively.
1. No commitment.
Not that it’s a bad thing BUT if a guy is not committing to you over a reasonable amount of time, it could be that he’s either seeing other woman, looking elsewhere, or he doesn’t feel like you may be the only one for him.
It’s not bad because as guys ( and women too ) I feel it’s important to explore lots of options before we commit to anyone. Depending on a few factors like age and circumstance that could be several years.
If you’re not exclusively dating I would assume AND expect he IS seeing other women too.
Personally I’d be more worried that he’s not dating or seeing at least one or more other women because there might be something deeper going on and he could just want to date forever with no real commitment.
I have to assume Tara you’re exclusively dating this guy and it’s been agreed upon verbally.
If that’s the case the second red flag that he’s seeing another woman is…
2. A sudden change in behavior.
Secrets seem to be appearing where there wasn’t ones before like where he’s going, what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with.
If he’s given information like that before freely, without you having to ask, and now suddenly withholds it and argues with you over it, then something could be wrong.
Men who are cheating might also begin to act more “nicely” out of guilt.
For example he might ( suddenly ) become a little more attentive to your needs then he was in the past. More specifically look for the smaller things.
I’d say a man who is feeling guilty AND cheating will go overboard to avoid having a fight with you because that’s when the secrets seem to come up.
The opposite is also true depending on WHY he’s seeing another woman.
If he suddenly begins getting jealous, asking you a lot of questions, accusing you of cheating on him, it’s normally a sign he wants out of the relationship.
I believe the not-so-hard rule would be:
If he’s seeing other women because he’s feels unfulfilled in your current relationship he’ll be more attentive, act guilty, engage you more privately… things that might help to ease the pain of guilt. He’ll feel bad for hurting you.
If he’s seeing other women because he wants out he might begin to accuse you or exonerate his actions by suddenly turning everything bad on you.
Expect THAT guy to be a little too sensitive and curious.
The next behavior change to look out for is his phone habits.
Lots of guys carry their phone around but I’ve found most of them aren’t glued to it. His cell phone habits might give away something peculiar is happening.
He’ll start carrying his phone around more, the battery will drain quicker, and if he’s smart he won’t be just putting it anywhere.
A new-found interest in his computer might also throw up a red flag like staying up late to use it and caring a little too much about maintaining it. Typically the history, emails, and photos.
Most red flags also appear where you’re less likely to look but again have to do with sudden changes in behavior:
- Showering more.
- Changing his deodorant.
- Dressing better for work.
- Exercising more.
- A need to eat more meat.
- More energy.
- Waking up overly hard in the morning.
All those are signs his testosterone is up and I’m not entirely sure, this is just a theory, but I DO believe lots of men might be getting a boost of testosterone if they’re seeing more than one woman.
Another way to look at this problem is to consider the two types of cheaters and THEN check for the sudden ( although sometimes subtle ) behavior changes.
The unfulfilled guy will tend to act from within.
The internal struggle becomes a burden.
He’s shameful, doesn’t want to hurt you, and feels ( or felt ) he couldn’t come to you with this problem of his fulfillment and therefore looks elsewhere out of frustration.
He’s afraid to piss you off and suddenly begins to go out of his way to make sure you’re happy.
The “other” guy, maybe he wants out of the relationship, maybe he committed through words but wasn’t ready, maybe he told you this was exclusive just to tell you what you wanted to hear…
He acts externally and is more sensitive or more apt to fight with you over the small things.
His sudden change of behavior is almost always directed outwardly and finds ways to explain his actions through blind logic, a loss of empathy towards you and your problems, AND a social life which is erratic and unpredictable.
If you know the “type” of guy you’re seeing, you should also be able to determine whether the red flags are actually red flags and not just you worrying because for some reason, you don’t feel like you could keep the guy you’re with happy.
Again let me point out…
Expect the guy you’re seeing IS seeing other women and unless there’s been an agreed upon exclusiveness to your relationship, give yourself credit for dating a guy who has choices.
You two might not end up together BUT if that does happen and he was dating 2, 3, 4 other women over a period of time and STOPPED seeing them because of you…
You can call that a huge “green” flag and a good sign of things to come.
Thanks for writing in Tara and I do hope you found a few of these flags helpful in your current situation and hopefully… things work out for the best.
Hello Peter,
I have a question regarding this topic, because my situation is slightly different and I’d just like to know what could have possible went on inside his head.
The guy and me met at university last september, he’s German, I’m Dutch. He already liked me before I liked him, we kissed at Halloween, and after that there was still flirting from time to time (and at moments I started just doing my own thing and didn’t focus on him at all he would suddenly pop up to get attention from me) and that increased especially the two weeks before Christmas break. But he never asked me out.
What I found out (much much later) is that in December he started seeing this other girl in his hometown. No problem since we were not even dating, and it’s much easier for him since she’s German and we are from different countries anyway, but he did start to want attention from me more while he was dating her… Anyway in the Christmas break I didn’t see/speak to him at all, and he and that girl appartenly got officially into a relationship. then when we came back to university in January, he started chasing me like crazy. The very first day he was everywhere, he always wanted attention so much, our chemistry raised with a factor 100 and he kept saying ”we should go do this and that” (since we have so many shared interests like sports and music). He even mentioned sometimes that I’m not like any girl he knows. He just couldn’t stay away, all my friends saw it and were so happy for me. He never mentioned her name when we got back from Christmas, not once. No one knew about this girl. But at the end of January, 3 days after a party where he would dance with me, continuously putting his hand on my waist and hold me against him, everything you do when you like a girl a lot and want her close (it felt like we were a couple), I find out he has a girlfriend. This came as the biggest shock ever, I had no idea, he kept her a secret very well and therefore I also obviously raised my game with him, I thought we were approaching the dating phase!!
Now I have taken off my pink glasses I could always tell he was kind of an immature guy (he’s 23), he always laughs the loudest and needs to be friends with everyone, and especially from the way he chased me sometimes I could tell he’s kind of insecure and needs attention or validation (this might be part of an explanation?) Also there were moments in January that he would suddenly ignore me, but then I let it be and the next day he came running after me again. Because I didn’t start chasing him then, I always kept being chilled and cool, I made him work to earn my attention. And he always said we should do stuff together, but he never actually took the action of planning it…
What happened afterwards is that I confronted him on facebook, and I did not show any emotions but I just plainly said very straightforward that what he did was wrong and I would never have allowed him to act that way with me if I had known.
This was a month ago and I got over it, he’s not worth my time and I’ve seen him around university but either he didn’t see me or he’s too afraid to come over to me (or he doesn’t care but I find that hard to believe…)
What I am wondering, especially since I want to make this a good learning experience, is why would a guy do that, did he use me or was there actually something there? Especially since he raised his game with me after he got official with her… I hope you could help me out a bit, I would appreciate it a lot!
Kind regards
Hello Linda,
I believe there was something there. He already had one woman, someone who probably made it easy on him to get her, but he wanted something more… you… because you challenged him on every level.
Men do love the chase and will constantly find one to chase even if they’re in a relationship.
Chances are he wanted it all. Sex with you and a girlfriend at home. Don’t get me wrong, sex with you could’ve easily made him break up with his girlfriend but who knows what would have happened when he went home for breaks.
You said it all…
If he ( or any guy) is terribly insecure and finds a way to build that security with women, will tend to always search for different women to make them feel better.
It happens often.
We build our perception of ourselves based on how women see us or act around us.
Whether we’re in a relationship or not doesn’t seem to matter much depending of course on the nature and strength of that relationship.
Being validating can be big deal for lots of men especially if that validation is tied to our attractiveness, our masculinity, and how we constantly seek respect and admiration from those around us.
Thanks for writing Linda. Hope that does help you understand this guy a little better,
Pete
Hi Peter,
I had a similar experience and that got me questioning until now.
I got into a relationship with my bf from October 2014. He told me he was single. And as what I know, he is single. We are in the same church.
A month later, I found out that there’s a girl sending him birthday cake with wording “Happy bday my love”. I asked him who it was, he said his ex. This made me uneasy, especially I found out this girl keep contacting him, texting and phone calls.
On December, I confronted him and ask for explanation. He said he was in a backstreet relationship with a girl (named T) for 5 yrs!! But her family didn’t approve the relationship, so it will go nowhere.
I was shocked. Why does he go into a relationship with me?
He said,” I know that it is hopeless with her, so I open myself up to meet other girls, and when we met, I feel that we share lots of things in common, I feel connected and our family approved, so I will go forward with you and end it with her”. He even asked me to marry him. we’ve only been together for 6 months. He even processed the premartial letter at church.
On February, he met T and told her “it is best to move on with our own life, since our backstreet relationship isn’t going anywhere and has no future.” Then he officially broke up with her on March 1, 2015.
I am glad that he is serious with me, but Peter, I have to be honest, I am also very scared. His words are not consistent. First he said, he is not the type of man who keep in touch with his ex, he doesn’t care, if accidently meet at a place, just a simple hi. (he proved this because we met his other ex, (not T) and they say hi, light chat, and that’s it).
But after breaking up with T, he said they remain friends. If there is communication, it is just as friends, or business partner. I feel disappointed. I feel that somehow my bf still wants to be nice, keep contact, with T.
I told him about my worries, I said I dont want T to be a shadow in our family, we are getting married soon. I dont want you to keep in touch with her by any means of communication, and no business relation as well. because I dont want your feelings toward her come again.
He said, “you worry too much, over worry.. business is business, no feelings attached. You can’t control my life and my business. it is my privacy to do business with whoever I want”
But on the other hand, he said he needs 2 months before telling T that he is getting married with me.. Isn’t it confusing?
Peter, I’m not trying to control his life. But I am seriously worry that his feelings is not over toward T and might flame up again one day, even after my marriage. I am afraid that he will cheat to her.. (I mean, he did involve himself with relationship with 2 girls, me and T, before breaking up with T). So in some way, his behaviour was not faithful, right?
What should I do, Peter?
I discussed this with him over and over, but we can’t come up with agreement. We keep fighting over and over again. Never ending war. And now he gave me silent treatment.
He always say “you always look back and focus on problems that are actually done. I broke up with T. Over. Why can’t you focus on the future?”
While on the other hand, I am too afraid to walk to the future, because of his past and his inconsistency.
We are getting married at the end of this year.
He gave me silent treatment and ask me to rethink about the wedding plan.
If I want to continue the wedding plan, then I should not worry and be suspicious to him..
Please help me out, Peter..
Thanks so much
Hello Stefanie,
Tough problem. I hear you and I can see how you’d be upset by all this.
I can also see how you might be concerned in the future… especially since it’s apparent this other woman isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
If I had the ultimate answer for you, I would certainly give it but I don’t.
This is about trust between you and him AND it’s about a risk all relationships seem to dabble in.
The thing is, his feelings for her actually haven’t gone anywhere. As he admitted, the relationship couldn’t go anywhere so it didn’t. They didn’t break it off because of fighting or a difference of opinion or even for a lack of love and attraction.
Obviously I’m in no position to tell you what to do. All I can say is this doubt you’re having, if it’s doesn’t go anywhere, if you don’t find a way around it, will tend to follow and disrupt your relationship.
And that’s where the trust and risk come into play.
If you sincerely don’t trust him, if you’re not willing ti risk it because your gut is telling you he’s never going to let her go… then you have your answer.
If you’re willing to trust him and you firmly believe the marriage is worth this risk, then you have your answer there too.
Personally, strictly my opinion because as you know I am NOT a counselor.
I’m just some dude with lots of opinions and a blatant instinct into the male
mind…
You’re both getting married too quickly and not far enough along from his breakup. I think he needs more time to sort out his feelings with her and jumping into something new this quickly, may not be the best thing to do for either one of you.
I’m not saying the relationship needs to end, just that his proposal to you came a little too quick from the hip, and he could be using it to escape having to deal with the loss of a loved one for reasons neither one of them seemed to have caused.
And that’s a huge red flag as far as I’m concerned.
No matter what you choose, consider it all. Consider his defense of his situation and how hard he’s fighting for it. Consider your objections to his “friendship” with her and how it affects the communication between you and him.
The answer you’re looking for might be clearer than you think and I’m terribly sorry that I can’t make it for you.
I can only hope this has helped you a little and as always wish you and your guy all the best no matter what you both decided to do.
Pete
Pete your a sexist pig, who is making excuses why hfs can cheat on their partners, trying to glorify it as being a great thing, however if a woman did this she would be considered a slut and should be dumped immediately. you dehumanise women by saying these are male cheating behaviours and we must understand their nature and tend to it, you validate it as being ok to do. and we are not ones to have feelings for anyone else but exclusively are here to serve our partners, we are not to be heartbroken by him cheating on us etc. you are a sexist pig and please dont give advice to women saying its ok for their partners to explore other women cause they need to while they are in a relationship, seriously i hope you never get married
Well that’s the nicest thing a woman has ever said to me. If your attraction to me bothers you “this” much, there are many personal ways to relieve some of your frustration towards me. 😉
Neetu, it’s apparent you didn’t read the article but hey it’s okay. I barely read your comment.
Pete
Hi!
I’ve found this guy who is really sweet and lovely, very attentive and told me he likes me which is great.
He told me pretty early on that he kissed another girl when he was dating his ex and felt absolutely terrible and guilty about it. I really don’t know what to think about it because I don’t know him well enough to be able to gauge whether he’d do it again in the future. Especially since he said that they probably would’ve gotten married in a few years if it weren’t for him cheating – though he also says he doesn’t love her anymore so I really don’t know
Help?
Hi, i would like to ask question?
I met a guy online, we see each other once in my place and after a few day he went back to his country. We’re still chatting and i feel his warmness sometimes. He told me that he will have a visitor a girl FRIEND from other country and will stay in his flat for four days. He told me that i should not worried. What will i do? his not picking up his phone everytime the girl is around, he just msg. Me that he is busy. Am i too demanding? So worried here!
I’ve been seeing this guy for 6 times for 2 months. i just found out by my curiosity that he’s seeing another girl which is the girl lived in the Philippines while me in Dubai. The guy is 52 years old and he is british. he lived in Abu Dhabi. I ask him that if he is travelling alone in the Philippines. He told me Yes. so im very confident that he will just visit his friends. i didn’t know that he will just visit a girl there. for 6 times seeing each other, we have sex and do everything. but i can’t take that he lied to me. that he didn’t told me the truth. now he don’t want to see me and contact me anymore. he choose the girl more than me. What will i do?
I was seeing a guy. Two weeks in he asked if we could be exclusive. I reluctantly agreed – I was def flattered but Told him I’d go public in a month because that’s the time I felt needed for a new relationship. Public means having him maybe meet a few friends- sibling.
He texted me every am (we had bee. Talking almost a month. Dating twonweeks – went on about ten dates more more in two weeks). He called me on his way home from work and then we’d text all night.
Wed go out on a date, he’d ask me for another that night, we’d make plans and t ext all night.
When he was out with friends he’d send me little things that reminded me of him while he was out. I’d tell him to go back to his friends etc but he wanted to text me he said.
The texting at night slowed down. It didn’t stop but slowed down. I thought I was over thinking things and let it go.
He canceled one date. He said he had to go see his mom. His dad had recently passed away (‘my dad passed away 13 years ago- so I felt I was put into his path for several reasons- I talked to him abouT my dad- his dad- talking about this stuff is intimate to me).
About a half a week to a month- he canceled that one date. We rescheduled a breakfast on my suggestion- Then he canceled our next date. Saying he was feeling a bit depressed from going to a family party for the first time since his dad died and his mom and brother were giving Him a tough time too. He asked if I was mad. I told him j was nervous. That this seemed like the old fade out. He assured me it wasn’t. I asked if I should be nervous he said j shouldn’t but not to make “waves we talk more like friends then a couple” and “sometimes I rush into relationships and then I sabatoge them”.
He called me that afternoon like he usually does. I listened to him talk about his dad, family, woes of his ex and past dating experiences. I cut him off after a few, I did tell him I was here to listen to him, but he also canceled a date with me- so he doesn’t get to talk to me all night- since I was with a friend who stepped in to hang with me.
I texted him after we got off the phone that I was there for him if he needed.
The next day he didn’t text me as usual. I texted him. I didn’t want to be a complete b. This guy just lost his dad! He texted back. We chatted like usual. I told him that I missed him and that’s when he let me know, via text, that he was isolating himself due to being sad about his dad and his family always being on his ass. He told me we talked more like friends then a couple. I thanked him for doing this over text – because I deserved more. I told him he was co fusing because he asked to be exclusive, he asked to be my fb friend (which I didn’t do yet), asked to meet my fam, etc. in the end he told.me “I hope to stay in touch one day- but it may take a while”. I did t respond. He doesn’t get to keep I. Touch.
He let me know, dramatically, that he felt no empathy lately and didn’t want to be around anyone. He also added he wouldn’t be dating for awhile eiTher.
That night a million things swirled in my head. I emailed him and just stated facts. No emotions. I find him he was wrong about what he said and how he treated me and also said I knew what he was going f through with his dad and hoped he would get the help he needed.
No response. That’s ok.
Two days later I’m thinking “this poor guy- what if he hurt himself- his texts were very depressing”. So I Facebook him and low and behold- he’s listed in a relationship now.
I screenshotted it and went psycho on him. I told him he was a horrible human being for letting me talk about my dad with him.
He told. E that this was a blip in the road for. ME and to move on.
I told him that he was disgusting and a coward.
He Told me I had no right to talk about anything that happened after we stopped talking and that I shouldn’t be looking at his fb page after all, he said, it had only been three weeks.
I reminded him that at theee weeks he asked. Me to be exclusive. And that three weeks seemed good enough then.
He expected me to believe that In five days he met His woman, decided to be in a relationship? Five days.
Anyway, I ended it with telling him he was a coward and piece of shit and deserved that I. Return.
What’s wrong with men? Why go through all of that just to dump me? He didn’t have to say he was exclusive. I assumed he was dating others. But he did.
Stick to your Instincts ladies. At first I felt something was off and boy it was. We dated in weekends. We dated in weekdays. I went to his house (nothing more than kissing- which may be why he dumped me though he never tried anything more).
This sucks.
Nicole
From what you explained, it seems my guy wanted to end the relationship by finding faults in me after he impreginated another girl. I went with the flow not knowing there was such girl but i let things slide and we stopped communicating since the relationship was draining me anyway. A month later he pretended it never ended with me and we started to rework on our relationship,only to learn he made another girl pregnant whilst he was with me and he made it official,they got engaged;but he tells me he made a mistake and wants us to reconcile because he realised he loves me better. We also have a baby together,this is confusing I am totally confused. What must I do?