Was He Giving Out Mixed Signals? Why Just Being Friendly Is Not Enough

Hey there Peter,

Long story short… found this shy man at work – smiled at him and saw his glances many times. He was always around, but never too close. Every time we talked he was acting nervous, but we ha great conversations about our wishes and private life. I was a litte unsecure and started acting a little distant – thought he would make an approach soon if he wer interested. He did not :-/ i later found out that maybe i was expection to much to soon from a shy guy. One day i added him on facebook with a message if it was okay, and he answered so nicely happy back. Afterwards he kinda ignored me at work- like i did not exicst. I was terrified. It was very strange, because he seemed so nice in the message. I took a change and tried to write him a message that i really like him and hope we could meet someday and my number. I got a sweet and caring message back that he very much wanted to meet in the nearest future although he was busy right no. So we shoud arrange when it could be. I wrote that i was glad but also busy but if he did not have plans over the autumn then he could come over someday. I have not heard from him since… :-/ why would a guy send out theese mixed signals? I heard from a friend that he recently broke up with a girl who bullied him and used him, but i am afriad he is just not that into me or i maybe have to do something more?

Regards, a girl from Germany

Hello “A girl from Germany” I’ll call you Martha,

Maybe it’s because I’m a guy but I don’t see how he’s giving you mixed signals.

Let’s get this out of the way first – Shy guys (previously used or not) rarely take chances or advance with women. It’s easier for them to do nothing. It is a part of who they are and how they act in anxious situations.

The signals they give are almost always based on this shyness.

When a shy guy refuses to chase or pursue you or is “into you” when you’re together but won’t take further action AND his fears are transferring to you (you’re afraid he’s not into you) he’s merely doing exactly what is expected. Again based on his social anxiety.

From my point of view you were the one giving him mixed signals.

Hear me out.

You smiled at him. You watched his glances. You had a great conversation.

But then You then started to act distant. You pulled back to test him because you felt if he liked you he would approach… Because you were not satisfied with the results.

So out of the blue you decided to change your tactics to meet his “shy guy” ways. You approached him on Facebook and he seemed okay with it but ignored you at work.

From there, this “friendly” exchange wasn’t going where you wanted it to go – so you told him you “really liked him,” wanted to meet up, and you left your number with him.

Okay before I lead you in the wrong direction, the mixed signals you were sending were not what they appeared to be. I’ll explain.

Sure – pulling back like you did, would send out a confusing message to a guy you had a genuine conversation with. But to most men…

When you have a great conversation about what you want out of life and “get to know each other” he thinks you’re being friendly.

The mixed message was – “I want to be your friend but I’m going to act like I want to make you come and get me – if you’re interested.”

Here’s what I suggest you do the next time with a different man – Flirt. Have a fun conversation. Stay lightly on the surface and save the deeper conversations for an intimate time.

You see, as guys, especially the shy ones, they’re going to assume you’re only being friendly, unless you almost immediately hint there’s sexual chemistry. He has to understand you see him as more than a friend.

ALL men like to be seen as fully capable sexual guys who can turn on a woman. Call it “stroking his Ego” 😉 or anything less, when you can do that, especially with a shy guy he’ll understand you’re being more than just friendly.

At least that way if you get nervous and pull back he’ll be more likely to realize your intention.

I believe the whole problem came down to the dynamics of your situation. As it does with many other women too. This happens more for guys than women but the issues are the same.

Rather than explain the entire thing I’ll pass along one of the most powerful articles I’ve ever read… A Secret About Men Women Do Not Know – The Paradox Of Attraction

Please take notice to the part where as a woman, if you’re unsure about a guy “liking you back” or he seems to be reluctant to commit on anything, how you could easily push him away by telling him you like him.

There’s a time and a place to tell a guy you like him and it’s in all of our best interest to make sure we get that right. That includes me and ever guy who finds himself confused about women.

It may not be fair but in “courtship” when one person tells another person they like them before slight intimacy (such as holding hands, kissing) it has a way of destroying chemistry quickly and if one of those people are unsure – will certainly push them away.

Okay now let’s get to this “heard it from a friend” thing.

You want to find out something about a guy – you go to him directly. This does two things.

1. It stops you from acting differently around him because you have “insider” information which is usually gossip anyways.
2. Gives you the opportunity to open him up through discovery and a real emotional connection. If a shy guy meets a women who “just by chance” has a way of making that sexual connection I mentioned above AND only after slowly opens him up – that safeness becomes a bond which can easily last forever.

When you go to someone else you’re giving up that opportunity. When you go to someone else it feels “immature” to a guy and most will sense the empathy. When you go to someone else and things do happen, he’ll be less likely to trust you.

One last tip about shy guys before I go – coming over may not work. It puts way too much pressure on him and I guarantee even if he manages to show up – you won’t be meeting the real him.

You’ll be meeting the guy who is trying way too hard to not screw something up. You’ll meet the guy who is more interested in his nervousness over just being real.

This creates way too much work on your part and it will most likely only frustrate you and have you doing things which are over the top. Such as telling him you like him before the time is right.

I really wanted to thank you personally for writing in. Through your adventure I’m sure lots of other women will be helped also.

In light of it all I do hope I’ve cleared up any confusion over him and all shy guys everywhere.

It’s tough to hear – but it must be stated…

The mixed signals men and women send to each other are not always clear. The little things we do and say send so much information and how it’s “decoded” becomes far more important when the meaning gets lost along the way.

The moral is – don’t act out of frustration. Understand how those signals are seen from the other side. Start any and all interactions with guys you might be interested very lightly, keep it fun, and flirt a little.

…Thanks Again “A Girl From Germany” AKA Martha. Best of luck to you,

Pete