When I set out to understand women my agenda was clear – to get more of them attracted to me.
Some of the goals were short-term… Like getting laid or something more “politically correct”, enjoying and having more realistic options for casual sex.
To be more “liked” by women sexually even if I wasn’t attracted to them. In other words, I wanted ALL women to boost the confident part of my masculinity because maybe, just maybe I believed they were the ones who destroyed it in the first place.
I wanted the women I dreamed of to become a reality.
The problem was – The guy I wanted to be was exactly the person I always avoided being.
Put differently.
Based on my observations, interpretation, and direct experiences with women – The guys who got all the girls (the ones I was most attracted to) kind of acted like jerks.
They were the studs. They always had something I didn’t. Like a better car, job, money, height, friends, etc…
But they were also the players, the bad boys, the misunderstood, or the cool guys all the other girls wanted anyways.
So I fought it off. How could I compete with that without turning myself into a guy I fought so hard to be different from.
Actually, the reality of what was really happening, something I learned in my shallow beginnings of understanding women – was that I just didn’t understand how attraction worked for women.
I found out I could attract women by doing some of those things they did by letting myself become more like them, so I still had a choice, but it wasn’t necessary.
The new goal of understanding women became to learn everything new and old on how attraction works for women.
And let me tell you the results were almost IMMEDIATE.
Things then began to change as my goals shifted more long-term – like getting a girlfriend, maybe settling down, or just something more stable, beyond just the intimacies of short interactions and casual sex…
Understanding women became FINDING the right woman for me.
Now… if you’re on my newsletter you might have just read about two types of guys and how each of us fall into one of those categories. How we may move from one to the next and how some of us will dabble on one side but get sucked back to our original place.
From there you can see how I moved from one side to the other and if you consider what was written above – the answers to understanding women or the goals or what it all means seems to change based on many different things.
This is also why I wrote you in my letter:
“You and I have a problem. Not necessarily a really bad problem. Just a way in which we see the world…
We project how we feel about ourselves and, based on our experiences from our past, we attempt to predict the future.“
- How you feel about yourself can show you your immediate goal in understanding men.
- Your past experiences with men can show you (in part) your long-term goals in understanding men.
- Predicting the future more accurately (making better choices, attracting better men, enjoying more stable happier relationships) becomes the very same thing I realized… Except for you it’s…
UNDERSTANDING HOW ATTRACTION WORKS FOR MEN from the very first sight to a long-term commitment and the different emotional stages all men go through when they meet you.
Just something to think about… š
For now I propped some questions to you in my newsletter, you can voice your opinions or answers below:
What does it mean (in general) to understand men? Perhaps making better predictions to avoid being hurt again? Perhaps making better predictions so we don’t miss out on something or someone?
What does understanding men mean to YOU? Does it validate how you feel about yourself whether it’s currently negative or positive?
Why do you want to understand men better and how will the answers help make your life better or happier?
4 comments… add one
To me the idea of understanding men just means the possibility of having better relationships and being happier. It might help me understand myself too, who knows. I quite like men these days, in general. I think I was a bit scared of you guys when I was younger, even though a lot of the time I acted like a “Tom boy” and had lots of boys as friends. My mum brought me up as a feminist, and part of her philosophy was that there is no difference between men and women really. So I didn’t assume any. For the most part that actually didn’t work out too bad, believe it or not. Still I think I might be missing something. Some things have had me confused in the past so I want to know more. I really just want to find my authentic self and be that, however masculine/feminine that might be. I don’t want to be playing any games. It would be nice if somehow I could use my true nature to find the man/men I should be with. There is so much social conditioning, but also nature I think. I just want to sort it all out a bit so I can feel a bit more confident in my choices, even if they turn out bad haha. Authentic bad is better than fake good, to me. Fake is never good. I don’t want to hurt anyone, my self included, if at all possible. Who knows, maybe I’ll get on better with my dad/son/brother/friend as a result? Yes there’s a man I fell in love with and his behaviour confused me a little sometimes. He does explain though, which helps. Maybe I just want to know more because he sparked my interest. If we all understand each other better the world might be a better place eh? I’m not really in need of marriage proposals, had enough of those really and am getting on a bit now š I think I will be forever curious, as you say, intrigue is to some extent, attraction….
“…the idea of understanding men just means the possibility of having better relationships and being happier. It might help me understand myself too”
Nicely put Emma and thanks for sharing.
To understand men to me means I will not be so vulnerable to my own assumptions.
To me understanding men means I will not be so quick to assume and judge and condemn them based on my on stuff.
I want to understand men better because I am fearful of what I don’t understand about them. I grew up with an abusive father and married an abusive man. Men scare me and when they pull away I feel unloveable. Having the answers will help me to discern between my stuff and theirs, which will in turn help me to not project so much negativity on them while making myself a victim, which I am not, and hopefully this will cut down on unnecessary drama. I will be happier and so will the man in my life. It will gives us a more level playing field and hopefully a richer relationship.
To me understanding men is to have the ability to perceive our differences from their perspective. I know men are concrete thinkers, they say what they mean and are succinct in expression. My experience is that while I constantly have men flirt with me, I happen to be introverted, which displays as aloofness and while they try to get my attention, I freeze and reinforce my wall of fear…and then something strange happens, they begin to chase me aggressively, and at that point I just shut down.