Seriously, how bad does it suck when you're hanging out with your boyfriend and he finds yet another way to bring "her" into the conversation.
Maybe it's a girl in the movie you're watching together that reminds him of her and he feels like he just has to tell you.
Maybe your waitress looks like a girl he knows at work - the one who just happens to be always trying to get him to go out with her.
Perhaps, and this one really spikes your anger so much you can feel your fists clench up as he laughs at his own story about this "girl" he knows he won't stop calling him late at night.
No matter what your personal situation is you don't think it's a joke or funny no matter how "lightly" he spins it.
He's laughing it off while you're steaming inside, possibly getting ready for yet another pointless fight which this time - may be the LAST one.
If you've ever wondered what does it mean OR why would a guy feel it necessary to tell you about OTHER girls who want to be with him...
You're about the know the absolutely truth because at why do guys... it's what I do.
Here are ALL the main or more common reason as to why it's happening.
Validation & Insecurity.
A man will talk about other women wanting him in an attempt to stir jealousy. How you react can either guarantee your real devotion to him or have him believing you don't really care.
Either way this borderline passive aggressive act is done with purpose although you will find most men don't even realize they're doing it.
You see there are lots of guys who may not believe they're good enough to hold a woman close.
Their self-esteem, past relationships, childhood experiences, all can keep them in a perpetual state of "looking for real validation".
Words are never good enough and actions can be misunderstood.
But getting a woman jealous can be a very clear emotional sign that a girl just like is dedicated to him and your relationship with him.)
I can honestly tell you from personal experience (when women alluded my understanding) it came down to power.
Before I mislead you, it's NOT about gaining power over you.
Lots of men believe women have all the power to choose who they sleep with and they don't. They believe YOU are the selector and they have no real say in the matter.
This could easily lead them to feel like while you're in a commitment with him, YOU have the power to sleep with any other guy you want.
Meaning he jut might believe while you may not be cheater - YOU have more opportunity to cheat on him.
If that guy has too many insecurities and is constantly searching for validation he will (at times) feel helpless.
As always, when a man feels "helpless" you're likely to see parts of him you may not enjoy...
Such as talking about his not-so-favorite stalker.
Now I don't want you to believe he's not strong enough for you or that you should dump a man who's not secure enough for you.
Just to understand him better and acknowledge this "problem" you might be experiencing is not necessarily a conscious act to keep you around or assure him of your dedication.
The other reasons are assurance & doubt.
Some men even do it because they believe they're reassuring their commitment to you like,
"Hey this girl won't leave me alone..."
Meaning...
"You have nothing to worry about I am not interested in cheating on you AND it's more likely I won't by telling you."
In this case he's trying (although in a very bad way) to assure you that he is in fact "into you" AND while at the same time erasing any doubt you may have about HIS commitment to you.
As odd as it sounds (and yes it's strange how this stuff seems to come to me) BUT...
IF he's a past cheater, feels weak, doesn't think he's good enough or capable of loving just one woman at a time then there's a good chance he's mentioning these other girls to:
One - Put it out there so he "feels" strong enough to not stray.
Two - Assure you or erase any doubt that you're the only one for him.
Sometimes those happen separately, sometimes it's a mix.
BUT it doesn't unfortunately happen.
Lastly...
And this one is quite common...
It's a conversational "foot in the mouth" kind of thing.
Meaning - just maybe he doesn't know HOW to talk to women or WHAT to say to women and the more you're with him - the more he's likely to revert to talking to you like he would one of his buddies.
Yes, it's true.
Some guys just blurt it out without "thinking" first what it's going to do to you and how you will interpret it.
Without any real conversational skills - ANYTHING can come out of his mouth from time to time.
In this case you need to think a little - consider whether he's that type, if you're reading too far into it - or if it's a common occurrence which means it's most likely one of the reasons about and not this one.
Take a look at your situation and I'm sure you'll understand exactly why YOUR boyfriend feels the need to tell you about other girls who want to be with him.
In conclusion... going through the list or reasons quicker about why a guy would tell you about other girls who want him.
If he's the jealous type - he's probably insecure, scared, or has a history of choosing women that will cheat on him.
So he's trying to make sure you're dedicated to the relationship and him.
If he's the "overly" nice guy type - he's probably looking for validation or an emotional response from you proving your commitment to the relationship.
If he's very secure, has lots of choices, and has only mentioned a random girl a few times - then YOU might be the one facing your own insecurity about losing him.
Yes, sometimes you have to look at YOUR response and decide how often it's happening and the context in which he;s bringing her up.
If he's a past cheater and seems really into you, he may be worried or feel too weak to reject her. By telling you about it, the openness may be just enough to stop him from straying.
Yeah - I know - I've read that last sentence too but it's true and this is the TRUTH about guys. Nothing but!
If he's not a great talker, has lots of guy friends, he's probably only used to talking to his buddies and he doesn't even realize he's treating you like a guy friend and not a girlfriend.
If he's generally considered not-so-nice or even a player he may be using the old "jealousy" game to keep you close.
Wherever your boyfriend falls in the loosely based categories above - rest assured communication skills, security, an emotional investment on both "sides" of the relationship will play a major role of why it is happening to you and what he really means when he's talking about other girls.
You might be at a point where you're not sure if this guy is even good for you.
All this talking about other women could be a bad sign. It could be telling you this relationship that is doomed to fail.
If that's how you're feeling this minute - you mustn't let it go on. Don't bury your feelings and HOPE they go away because you know they won't AND they'll only come up in ways that are emotionally uncontrollable.
My suggestion is to seriously consider:
Toxic Men - 3 Steps To Transforming Your Man From “Toxic” To “Loving”
Produced by Rori Raye she promises you to help you spot if this guy's good for you or just making mistakes which can easily be overcome and fixed.
She'll help you feel better and strong enough to gain some power back in the relationship.
She can show what to say and what NOT to say so the problem doesn't get any worse.
AND she'll show how men are SUPPOSED to behave in a relationship.
Her program is simple but effective:
You need to figure out if he's that bad of a guy or toxic as she puts it or if he's just making mistakes.
Stop you from treating the symptoms and trying to change him to make the relationship better.
Help you transform your man from "toxic to loving" by changing the nature of the relationship which in turn helps you bring out the "better" man inside him.
You can read the whole story by going here:
Toxic Men - 3 Steps To Transforming Your Man From “Toxic” To “Loving”
If you'd like Rori to tell you more about herself and her advice - hop on her free relationship newsletter.
I have a big problem with my boyfriend sometimes he really hurts my feelings talking about other girls and how they are beautiful and pretty and have that body structure and sometimes he say if you look like them I wouldn’t be saying these things and sometimes I just want knock the shit outta of him and we have an one year old together and I feel scared and worried the next man will do the same to her .. Please help me what does this mean when a man talks like this
To be completely blunt and to the point – it probably means he’s masochistic and hurting you makes him feel more powerful.
It’s one thing to maybe say someone is beautiful or even how we find someone else attractive, especially if we’re in a happy open relationship BUT it’s another thing to hurt someone with the intent to make them suffer.
Hi Pete- first off, I have to say this site is amazing and a mind saver as I feel like I’m about to lose mine. I hope you can shed some light on my situation: I’ve been dating someone for about 4 months now and he’s definitely an “overly nice guy” but is confident and does not experience jealousy in any way. We get along GREAT, except for a few things. We’ve been arguing a lot lately and 9 times out of 10, it’s because he feels the need to constantly bring his exes up, randomly, inappropriately out of nowhere and then when I get upset he blames it on my jealous nature (which is true but not extreme). I keep telling him that talking about his exes is not only unnecessary, but a trigger that will guarantee a nasty fight followed by hours of silence and resentment. But he continues to do it and looks completely dumbfounded when I get upset, like it the exact same thing doesn’t happen every single time he brings up an ex. He will bring up stories about them and even include commentary on what their sex lives were like, and end pretty much every story with “and then, of course, in true Stephen fashion, we had sex”. That’s the first major problem that started as soon as we started dating and is only getting worse. The second issue is that I also recently found out that he has been keeping stuff from me- mainly inappropriate sexts/pics from “friends”. Most of his friends are female so I have no clue who this was happening with but he claims it stopped when we began to date and that I’m overreacting since he let them know he couldn’t do this anymore since he was in an exclusive relationship (I’ve never seen this for myself though as he never offered to show me his phone even after we argued about it). That may or may not be true but my issue now is that if he lied about “not having anything to hide” when he clearly did and lied about the severity of it (he originally said he was worried I would find texts to his friends saying things like “Miss you! Haven’t seen you in so long, when are we hanging out?” when it was way more sexual than that) then how can I believe he’s actually stopped? Or how do I believe he’s not still flirting with other “friends”? Or how can I believe anything he says? This relationship is not perfect by any means, but the overall feel was a happy and loving one for me and I believe for him too but I’ve asked for space to try to figure out what I want to do about this situation, which he has given me, but the only solution I see is to break up since the trust is pretty much gone for me and I’m tired of him working against me (by talking about his exes and triggering my jealousy when he knows this is what’s going to happen) and then because he’s not the jealous type, having him judge and condemn me because I do get jealous. Anyway, any help would be appreciated!! Penny
Hi Penny and thank you. Glad you like it around here. 🙂
Okay, you have a lot going on here and I’m positive you already know what I’m going to say.
First, it sounds like he committed to you before he was ready. Almost like the fights are his way of sabotaging the relationship. Something which is actually quite common. He has this huge past with other women and it doesn’t feel like he’s ready to give all that up.
Second, I don’t think he’s not as confident as you might have been led to believe. Lots of men revel in either having their partner get jealous once in a while because it proves she likes them, or actually making her jealous on purpose because it boosts their Ego.
It also accomplishes one more thing… It makes the guy feel superior and makes him feel in more control of the relationship. Something a truly confident man does not need. In a strange twist it also puts the blame on the woman when or if he cheats on her.
Third, the trust is unfortunately on you and yes it’s a big risk. A risk most fail at because of obvious reasons. It could lead to being hurt, misled, or cheated on. BUT when you think about it, the trust probably wasn’t there to begin with.
He has a lot of ex’s. Friends that are girls. A phone filled with things he doesn’t or wouldn’t let you see and I’m sure these are things you already knew about AND on top of that he’s not so secret about his past sex life with you.
And when a guy is willing to share details about his past but is not open about his present, I don’t see how many women could trust him AND I can see one important strange thing from all of it. Something we rarely ever think about but has to be roaming around our brains somewhere:
We must admit to ourselves that if the relationship falls apart with a guy like this, we know the next girl he’s with, is going to hear about us and probably in a negative way. Again making the trust almost impossible to happen, right?
Obviously I can’t help to mend your relationship and get you to suddenly trust him more or make him stop trying so hard to prove to himself he feels better than you in some way.
All I can do is help you see it all from a few different, honest, mostly objective views and hope you can put something together for yourself. To better help you make the right decision for you.
Wishing you all the best Penny and please let me know how it goes and what you decide,
Pete
Hi Pete,
Lately my boyfriend of 4 months has been talking about working out and loosing weight. (he’s only like 180 lbs) Let me rephrase, our whole conversation revolves around it. Then he has the nerve to tell me that girls are starting to look at him. And he says he likes it but that “he wants to look good for me because it’s a turn on if I tell him he looks good”. Why do I let that bother me so much? It makes me want to break up with him because I don’t have time to deal with or let myself get insecure about myself and the relationship. Btw , he’s a 29 restaurant manager and I’m 27.
Hi Michelle,
It’s time to be supportive, I think you know that.
Perhaps you’re worried that if he loses the weight and gets in shape, he’ll leave you for someone you might think is more attractive than you.
Remember most people don’t want their problems solved for them, they just want someone to listen and respect their words. He’s telling you because he’s feeling insecure about his looks and wants reassurance that you’re attracted to him no matter what.
That last part might go without saying BUT for him to believe it, he probably needs more proof outside the relationship because let’s face it, we’re not always, and can’t be, completely honest with the people we’re involved with because it just doesn’t feel like a nice thing to do.
You’re in a relationship despite his extra weight and he knows it. That means he’s going to look elsewhere to solidify his attractiveness and the leering eyes of woman will be it.
He’s telling you for lots of reasons… He wants you to notice too. He needs assurance and something to continue to drive him. He needs to see the work he’s doing it worth the effort. He also wants you to understand that how YOU see him is very important to him. He’s felt insecure about his weight, feels it’s detriment to his long-term health, and wants to do something about it. Those are things you tend to share with the people you’re closest too even if it’s not blatantly stated.
I would tease him about it and try not to take it personal because it will only drive him away and cause a possible breakdown in your communication.
Hope that helps you out a little so you don’t let it bother you so much,
Pete
Hi Pete, was just wondering what is your take on this.
I’m with this amazing guy, and we’re going to be 4 years soon. But, he likes to compliment other girls, like just today, he said to me “Look at this hot chic” and “Look at her boobs, it’s so small”. And I’m just there like, what do you take me for? He seldom compliments me, and I can’t even remember when was the last time he actually genuine compliment me. It sort of annoys me because I also want to be complimented by my boyfriend.
I dress myself up to look good cos’ when we started dating, I had really poor fashion sense and I’d always go out in shorts. Then he said that he wished I was more feminine, and I also said that I wished he put in more efforts to dress up (which he did!). I do get comments from him saying that I look way better now – as in my fashion sense. But he is still always complimenting other girls. And when he saw that I was really pissed, he’ll be like, don’t angry darling. But he’d never complement me.
Sometimes I get really upset by this that I’d just want show up with a shirt, pants, slippers. I know this is childish, but sigh.
Thanks Pete!
Reading this and all the comments has been really helpful as i am dating a man for over 1 year. Our situation is a little different as i am BI and have had relationships with both men and women but all my relationships have been exclusive. My bf is always looking at other women but hey i look to at men and women as i am attracted to both so the looking doesent bother me but the comments do. My BF says that he is committed to me but he is always making comments about other chicks and asking do i find them hot or do i want to have sex with them and of course he has mentioned the threesome ultimate male fantasy but i am not interested in having one which i have told him but he still brings it up. He has had way more partners than me and was in an open relationship with his last girlfriend over the 10 years they were together on and off. Although both my bf and his ex have both said that the open relationship was primarily due to his ex gf lack of interest in sex and that they became very good friends and still are but she was not interested in the sex part and gave him permission to see other women. He always brings up this girl he was with or how he was with this chick that was a gorgeous model type he even warned me once when we went shopping that his ex gf was working at the store and she is very gorgeous jaw dropping beautiful. It seemed strange to me that he would tell me that unless he was either trying to demean me or make me jelouse or both. When i confronted him about it he said he just had other girl friends in the past who had met her and they became really insecure as she is so hot. But it seemed to me that he was bragging about her. It seemed like the whole time we were in the store he could barely keep his eyes off her and he was upset that she barely acknowledged him. She is a friend on his facebook and he is likeing her photos usually when she is in a bikini or dressed in something skin tight. She ended the relationship with him and he still seems upset about it and it was over 8 years ago. What really gets me is that i feel like i am starting to second guess myself and my relationship wondering why he never compliments me but he can compliment other women so easily? Why does he feel the need to point out all my physical flaws but never point out anything good about me. He has no pictures of me on his face book never likes any of my photos. He says that he should not have to tell me that he thinks i am attractive as it should be clear to me as he is dating me and he would not be with me if i was not attractive. But being a women hearing those little compliments from time to time are important and he seems so eager to point out my flaws which he calls teasing but it can be demeaning. He even told me once that he would compliment me if i ever did my self up as i never do anything with myself and that it doesent matter anyway he could care less what i look like that is not the reason he is with me. Which is great to hear he is not with me for my looks but really did he have to say to me. I am at the point where i think he must be really clueless and has no idea how to speak to a women or he is just really insensitive and doesent care. Whenever we go out and i get all dressed up he asks me why i bother as I have him and he does not care if i am dressed up he loves me regardless of how i look he thinks i only get dressed up and try to look nice so i can get attention from other men and when i do get attention from other men he gets so upset. I am tired that he seems to think just because i am BI i will do a threesome, or that i should want to go to strip clubs with him or even engage in conversation about how hot other girls are. There are many girls that i find attractive but i love him and in no way want to being anyone else in the relationship. We have a great sex life but sometimes i wonder if he is really satisfied. I am thinking he is insecure in himself and he needs the attention and approval of beautiful women to make him feel better but why put me down so much he says he loves me and he goes out of his way to take care of me but i really dont know what to do thinking i should just cut my losses and walk away any advice would be much appreciated.
Hello Lea,
First I’ll say, if the “ex” from the store is the one that didn’t like sex, it would explain why he is still so obsessed with her… because that part never really happened and he wished it did.
Now I’m not into male-bashing, especially because I don’t know him personally and I only have your side of the story so I will do my best to stay objective but I can not guarantee it.
He does seem a little immature but hell, we call an be that way at times… right?
What I’m having trouble with is that it appears he’s only with you in the hopes he’ll live out his threesome fantasy. If I’m wrong, or if you are too doesn’t seem to matter because that’s perhaps how this relationship is making you feel and if you ask me, that’s important. How his actions are making you feel and how he does little towards compromising certain issues.
I agree, saying, “Well I’m dating you that must mean I think you’re attractive” is NOT a valid argument or a reasonable excuse to fail to acknowledge the beauty of the person you’re supposedly “in love” with.
Subjectively speaking, maybe, but when I see a guy who makes a woman feel insecure by his words or actions or inability to do just a few things right, and then claims his past girlfriends became insecure because he’s had such incredible attractive women….
Might possibly believe or feels like he can never have or keep an extremely beautiful women and therefore “prefers” to keep them insecure. That way he can get away with doing whatever he wants or keep his lame power over the women he feels he needs to have.
I rarely ever advocate cutting someones losses but I must say, if you two want this to work, if you both want it bad enough, there are ways to make that happen IF and only IF the issues you brought up today are communicated properly, affirmed, and dealt with maturely.
I guess I’m just not against seeing the good in things or people as often as I can. Honestly speaking it’s a lot easier when you’re not actually involved in it. Yes Lea, I AM a human male. 😀
I’d say look at the basis of your relationship with him. If it’s centered solely around his immaturity and insecurity and checking out chics and going to strip clubs and under too many circumstances tends to be only sexually orientated, then you have every reason to believe that perhaps you should move on.
In other words if his “bigger” internal struggles aren’t dealt with on his end then I see no reason why you should be made to compromise on the smaller things.
All the best to you Lea,
Pete
P.S. This article may not be all about your situation but I believe Rori describes the difference between the big ticket items and the little things which might help you decide what’s best for you.
http://www.dialteg.org/rori-raye-rules-love-attracting-men/overfunctioning-get-love-relationship-deserve/
Ladies do not listen to this guy. It is out right disrespectful for ur boyfriend to keep talking about other girls. It is bad for ur bonding, ur spirit and self esteem. If he wants to buildup ur self esteem, he should it by complimenting you and courting, not some talk about other women on “your time.” If he wants to do that he should save it for the locker room and his friends. It is not healthy to introduce conversations about other peoples sex appeal. It is the devils way of tempting u. Thoughts can persuade us to do things we will regret. First off dating allows u to see if they are a good match as a husband. Now if he always shows u that he can’t shut up about how hot other women are, u already no that he is probably going to not honor u as u promise when u get married. Your time with him is about U and him and your life coming as one. If he should be into when ur together. Men didn’t do that in the old days cause it wasn’t gentlemen like. It is important to get a man who is very god fearing cause then he won’t conduct him self like that.
Hi Pete,
I’m wondering what your opinion is. I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and in 2 months we will be married. He has on odd occasions commented on whether he thought a girl was pretty whether it was someone he knew, saw or even on TV. Although I hated hearing it, particularly because he never really compliments me at all, I let it go and thought its a natural feeling and I want him to be open with me. I also justified and said well I sometimes see someone and say to myself his cute, but I never said it to him. I wanted him to feel secure about the way i feel about him. But recently, in the past week, his been telling me how a few girls on facebook approached him and were kind of flirty calling him sexy etc etc. He told me that he told them his getting married soon and that he cant talk to them and that his starting ‘a new life’ a ‘fresh start’ with me. One girl he said, a girl he knew from his past (were never dating), got really angry by this comment and said he didn’t have to be so rude about it and that she was going to find me on facebook and tell me that he was cheating (weird?). For these reasons together with the fact that we have been saying how boring facebook is lately, he deactivated his account….? Immediately i thought this was overkill and maybe he had something to hide? or the tempatation was too much he had to deactivate? I don’t think he is doing something behind my back with these girls. But it upsets me for some reason. This was a week ago and lastnight he told me again that when he was on his motorbike on the way home from my house that another couple girls tried to pick him up and he brushed them off. Should this be bothering me so much? What is his intentions by telling me all this? Guys say nice things to me all the time, and try to pick me up but i never say anything. The other thing is why doesn’t he ever compliment me? I’m a pretty girl, I’ve done well for myself and I love him with all my heart It has been a constant upset in our relationship for me that he never acknowledges or say a nice thing about me, he has to be prompted all the time and its just not the same when I do that.
?? Do I have something to worry about…? How should i handle this?
xx Michelle.
Hi Michelle,
I have a million opinions on all this (and everything I suppose Haha!) so I’ll try to keep it short and simple for you.
Of course I can understand how frustrating it can be that he never compliments you unless you prompt him to do so but…
Consider this: When he talks about how pretty other women are – he’s telling you that out of all of them – you’re the one who got him. And to him that makes you the most beautiful woman in the world.
When he mentions how other girls are trying to pick him up and how he has to deactivate his account on Facebook because of them – he’s telling you he’s found his one. It just might be “his” way of complimenting you.
You’re a pretty girl and guys tell you all the time, right? Guys hit on you and you never mention them, right? But I’m positive he knows what a catch you are. He also knows and probably believes that those guys are not with you because of how they act. They’re not with you despite all the compliments and hitting on you.
Therefore to him – to begin to act like those other guys would surely have you less attracted to him. Which is something he will avoid doing at all costs. Which is why you have to prompt him to say those kind of things to you. And which is why he probably gives you the “fine” look when he feels forced to tell the woman who “got him” how beautiful she really is.
It sounds to me this guy has his share of experiences with women. Which means he’s learned a certain way with women which has worked for him. This means he will do anything and everything to stick to what has worked especially with the one he plans on marrying shorty. Rather than risk losing you by acting differently you’ll find his compliments of other women grow because he might believe if he starts saying all those things to you – he’ll lose you.
I know it sounds strange. I know it may even sound stupid. You might be wondering why the games or why can’t he just be real with you but you must understand the man you’re marrying, the one you fell in love with, wants to be special to you and to always be the guy you fell for.
To start changing now could easily send you running during the “cold feet stage” ALL couples experience right before marriage.
Okay – I’ve been know to tell a close woman in my life how I find “her” attractive and I understand how she’ll take it. And yes usually it doesn’t seem like the smart thing to do but think of it this way. In my mind I’m merely showing her that I KNOW what’s attractive. I have a great taste in beauty. I know what separates the average from the beautiful and I’m in touch with what I like on a woman.
As bad as that seems what am I really saying is – “I have great taste in women and I’m choosing YOU!”
Should you worry about a guy who is saying the same thing to you? I wouldn’t. I would worry more about the guy who always seems to be hiding something or who is actually cheating on you, or suddenly starts acting different than the guy you fell in love with.
You can handle it however you like. You can use what I’ve told you today and imagine he’s not complimenting them – he’s showing you the only way he knows that his taste in women is real and he believes without a doubt he’s found the one.
Of course this is never a 100%. I don’t know him personally nor do I claim to know your personal relationship with him… Yes. Sometimes I’m wrong. Haha!
But I do know guys… 😀
Enjoy your wedding day. If you or him don’t experience cold feet or nervousness, then I’d start to worry about it all.
Here’s to that magical day… cheers!!!
Pete
Hello, I met a guy about two months ago and I liked him since the first day but im too shy to talk to him and so is him so about two weeks ago he finally asked me out. We did we had so much fun, we held hands and kissed so than our second date he said he wanted us to be a couple and I said yes. The way he is, the way he talks, the way he smells, and the way he kisses me invites me to get in bed with him but the is something that stops me and I run away. He says he wants to move in with me and be together forever but we go out then after that he doesnt even text me, I tried texting him once and never replied so I left it like that cause I dont want to appear desperate. He calls me once in a while and tells me that this krazy girl on facebook keeps stalking him and laughts about it and that he has girls at his workplace that are afterhim but im the only one for him. Also I went to visit him to his work once in a while but stopped after he said he had several girl with crushes on him because I feel like he only wants to show me off with his friends and his crushes. Im just not sure he is committed to a serious relationship becuse I think about him 24/7 and want to know about him even though I restrain myself yet he doesnt even say hello.
Hello Mariana – please read what I have wrote for you:
http://www.whydoguys.com/he-asked-her-out-signs-met-player-games-he-uses/
Thanks for writing in,
Pete
Hey Pete;
I think my boyfriend falls into the category “past cheater”.
When I first met my boyfriend I thought he was the most sweetest and innocent guy, but as the months went on, more and more “past girl” & “present girl” stories started to pop up. After two months after we started going out he confessed to me that he had an ex-girlfiend which he broke up with 2 days after the first time we kissed. This upset me as it took him this long to tell me AND it made ME feel terrible about somehow violating his relationship with her. He explained it away by telling me that he was in a relationship with this girl for 3 years and I gave him the courage to break it off with her and he didn’t want to tarnish our relationship by cheating on her with me.
As more time went by he unintentionally confessed to me that he was unfaithful in his relationship with her(his ex) and slept with ALOT of women while he was with her during their last year together. This really made me upset as it made me question his faithfulness in relationships as you know how the old saying goes “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I’d like to point out that at this point he had never made me feel like he was cheating or that I should distrust him. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who was constantly worried about her boyfriend being unfaithful, so i decided to get past this, as he was in a relationship with me now, not with her, and as i have said before he hadn’t given me a reason not to trust him.
I’d also like to explain that my boyfriend is one of those people who love attention. And i know, just by the way he talks about it, he loves getting attention from girls who “want” him. My boyfriend is also waaaaaay more sexually experienced then I am and therefore has alot more “past girl” stories to talk about. Fine, I get it, hes slept with alot of girls and he thinks hes a stud; everyone likes to get sexual attention from other people, its flattering. I think what bothers me the most is how much he enjoys it, i mean he is supposed to be in a relationship with me. Shouldn’t my attention matter more? Do i need to constantly be told about how these girls at work “want” him and if he said “yes” he could bed them in a second? Or how this girl at the restaurant kept dropping major hints about how she wanted to “take him home” that night? I mean, I get attention from other guys too but i always end it pretty quickly by giving the hint that i am not interested as i have a boyfriend. I care about my boyfriend, and I only care about his attention.
He teases me a lot about all these girls “wanting” him, and it never used to bother me in the beginning, but now its really starting to make me feel so insecure. I’ve told him that I don’t like hearing about it, but it still happens. I don’t know what he is trying to accomplish by this. I don’t want to be a constantly jealous girlfriend and i don’t want to turn into one who has to, for example, check his phone to see what he is saying back to these girls who “want” him. If i can’t trust him, what is the point of being in a relationship? He always assures me I have nothing to worry about or that girl isn’t a threat, but why are you still talking about them then?
I just don’t know what to think anymore. I am constantly at war with myself to trust him but to not blindly trust him because his past history and how he talks about girls “wanting” him.
Is he insecure? Or is he trying to tell me something? I have no idea….
Hey K,
You nailed it – insecure.
The thing that gets me is that he stayed in a relationship for a year when he wasn’t committed to it. This tells me he’s scared of being alone. How his entire image of himself is based on how women see him.
It’s tough to be secure in who we are when we’re not first capable of being alone for some time and it’s even tougher when our self-image is held up by how others see us.
That means, if at some point he wants out of the relationship he’ll look elsewhere and will “stick around” until something supposedly better comes along.
Unfortunately this puts all the pressure on you to make the relationship work. Because, in a way, he’s telling you, “Hey I can go anywhere, anytime…” Of course he may not ever bring that up until a terrible fight happens where he feels wrong but still wants to win.
I think you know what I mean there. You have a great handle on all this and you painted me a great picture to go by. I thank you for that.
I’ve seen things like this work before but it was always a cat and mouse game, was done in a fun flirty way, and both were involved in doing it. (Actually it’s kind of fun to watch.)
But it was always between two very secure people who knew it was all in fun. When one part is less secure and measurable so – it often caused serious issues driving them apart.
Be careful K. Don’t let his actions get to your security. It has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with him.
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and give you some insight – and it would be – never ever ever ever commit to a man until he shows you without a doubt (by actions and not promises) that he’s a complete man “alone” and only wants to be in a relationship that enhances his life.
It sounds like he needs women to complete him. Make him feel special. Make him feel wanted, loved, and adored.
This is all good when it’s a drive to enjoy intimacy on many levels (not just sex) and a drive to be a dependable “family” man but when the “Ego” relies on outward expressions from other people to stay confident it’s often a sign that person needs to learn to function alone first.
Like me. For so many years I thought I was a pathetic man because women refused to love me or see something in me which went beyond the “friendly.” It took me so long to realize that of course they couldn’t love a guy who wasn’t confident in himself. It all changed when I took the “alone time” women granted me 🙂 which I thought I was cursed with, to build myself into a fully capable and complete man by myself, first!
That’s one extreme and the other is the overly confident guy. Similar to yours. They’re really not far off just live in two different worlds. However under the surface their both deathly afraid of being alone and will do whatever necessary to fill that void.
I won’t offer you any advice at this time and what to do. I believe you are quite capable of understanding all your options and you do understand whatever choices you make, you are responsible for.
But I do hope I’ve cleared any doubt and supported your beliefs entirely.
Thanks for putting it all out there. Stop back anytime K,
Pete
My boyfriend falls into the following category even though I try not to believe he will cheat on me.
◾If he’s a past cheater and seems really into you, he may be worried or feel too weak to reject her. By telling you about it, the openness may be just enough to stop him from straying.
He screwed up date for going to see a condo with an office girl (he says she invited him), dinner and sent her back home. We had a tough night that day. Next day he told me there are two more girls interested in him and an ex girlfriend almost keeps the daily contact with him. Totally 5 girls including me are interested in him. He told me he is not into commitment now and he wants freedom. We will be friends for a few weeks. The EXCLUSIVE clause is on for us. But he chased me for almost 2 years when he was married but I didn’t get into a relationship with him. We became best friends. In March, he started divorce which surprised me. But I had to sort out another relationship which ended in April. I was sad so I didn’t want to get into a relationship with him. My best friend and her kid came over for 10 days visit. During that 10 days, he got into a relationship and a few weeks ago I was able to fight him back.
I think he wants to explore other girls but I already fell in love with him. Am I right? I have not talked to him at all for a whole week. We did some texting but not so much. I want to be back into the relationship but it has to be better than what we had. But how?
Thanks very much.
J
Hello Jen,
I’d like to completely candid with you. When a guy tells you about five other girls, he’s been in and out of relationships, AND he tells you he is not into commitment – AND he wants his freedom…
He chases you for two years while he’s married. He got into another relationship I’m assuming just after his divorce and you fought him back.
It all sounds like neither of you are ready for any kind of relationship. As far as I’m concerned “being in love” or whatever you call it is not grounds for a relationship. There’s more to it than that.
Both people must be in the same place at the same time. Granted those “places” can be sometimes hard but there’s one thing I know about relationships is (and I know most might not agree with me here) – Relationships are easy!
The best happen almost effortlessly. Sure there are bumps along the road. Things to figure out. Stuff you can not plan on and sometimes shit happens but honestly in the beginning things tend to fall right in place.
With that said – if you’re going through all this work – both of you are in and out of different relationships with different people, he wants to explore other girls… you’re going to find yourself working harder than you need for something which at this time, seems to be the wrong thing.
My personal advice would be for you to step back. Figure out where you are. Forget about where he is. When you are feelings more stable and he’s out of your head – them maybe just maybe you can take a peak to see where he is.
If he’s not settled himself by then, there’s a good chance he’ll not be ready to contribute to something better than you had.
I believe you can not have something better than you had unless both are you are able to complete yourself first – become a stronger single unit apart – and then start communicating on a level much different than the past.
I wish you the best and I do hope you take heed and do what’s best for you without him,
Pete