What Would Cause Mr Business to Flirt and Act Different Outside of Work

Hi Peter,

I have a co-worker who have flirted with me when we were hanging out with fellow co-workers outside if work. He is very different at work, all business, so I was a little taken aback because he barely talked to me at work. He would crack jokes with me and tries to get close to me outside of work. Then the next time I saw him at work, he would barely look at me and wouldn’t really speak to me. I am a little confused.

I thought he liked me so I even tried emailing him about some business-related stuff in hope of starting a conversation but he really didn’t respond. What’s going on?

I love the way you emailed him all “business like” hoping he’d start a conversation.

Clever.

He probably IS attracted to you. I’m sure you’re a great judge on whether a guy is interested in you or not.

BUT…

Some people go in “work” mode at their jobs.

It’s an escape from their private lives. It gives them a chance to “show off” what they really good at. If in fact they are.

Men are incredibly good at focusing on one thing and ( for good or bad ) it allows them to switch on and off between being serious and being the life of the party.

We ( most of us I suppose ) don’t get easily overwhelmed because we’re able to switch off or “tune out” our emotions.

We have brought it with us since the time we were hunters where being able to focus on one thing is very important to survival. We narrow down our view and sometimes coordinate our attack with other men.

Consider nowadays we get to show off this amazing ability through our job. When we’re hunting for a living by making money of course.

This would explain his ability to turn it on and off AND it would also explain why he focused on having fun outside of work.

Now when you emailed him you could have reminded him of what he did outside of work. He didn’t contact you back because he knew what you were doing and didn’t want to face having to cross the work/personal boundaries he probably has set up.

OR he glazed it over, didn’t find it important to HIS job duties and focused on something more pressing.

Either way you look at… I’d say:

Some men won’t cross the work/personal boundary BUT will still be themselves outside of work. It doesn’t mean anything more than, “sure he might be attracted to you but is not willing to let it go any further.”

With our ability to block out certain things and focus on one thing sort of makes keeping these boundaries in place despite what out “outside” self may have done.

One more possibility which comes to mind is: Alcohol.

I’m not sure if it was present but you have to admit some guys tend to really open up when they’re drinking. Just like it does to you – it lowers our inhibition and without it, we can easily seclude ourselves at work and barely notice anything else.

Also if alcohol was the cause of him opening up – He’s actually feel guilty at work and would certainly avoid you after IF he though he crossed a line with you.

After you ARE a co-worker and dating a co-worker is normally not advised.

So what was it – alcohol – just a guy having a good time outside of work – a guilty feeling of flirting with a co-worker – a completely focused guy at work who doesn’t seem to notice the women around him?

All are probable.

In my opinion… if you were to ask me…

I’d put yourself in the exact position you were in when he flirted with you ( maybe get him a little tipsy Haha! ) and ask him why he’s so serious at work and fun on the side and how he finds it so easy to separate the two.

That could make for an interesting conversation when done right.

If it’s true – tell him how you find it difficult to separate the two and you’re curious as to how he does it.

I’m not saying all men like to talk about their job but when you find one who thinks he’s great at what he does, being curious about it and letting him “brag a little” might get him to open up a little more.

Hope that didn’t add to your confusion but gives you enough insight to understand and figure out why “Mister All Business” at work might be a little too friendly while socializing.

All the best to you.

Pete