Hi Pete ,
Thank you very much for the advice. It means a lot to me and it really clear out my confusion . I never think that attraction and interest is a totally different subjects .
One more question , you said “Men can feel physically attracted to a woman but not be interested and there’s a ton of reasons as to why that could happen.”
Do you mind to expand this explanation for me , or maybe list several reasons why a man would be physically attracted to a woman , but not interested to commit a romantic relationship with her?
One more question , if that guy is only physically attracted to me for now , is it possible that he will be interested in committing an romantic relationship with me ?
If you think it is possible , is there anything I can try ?
Based on your advice, I know that I should move on and look for other guys instead , but I am wondering if I can still " wait for that guy " while looking for more options?
Or do you think it will does more harm to me ?
Again thank you very much for taking time to give advice. I really appreciate it !
Yogeda
Hi Yogeda and you're very welcome.
Physical attraction is normally a sight thing. A guy will see you and find you attractive... or not. There's no thinking about it all.
It just happens and is beyond his control. Nature has given men an instinctual trigger which makes them FEEL this way.
A man doesn't decide to be attracted to you which also makes it impossible for you to talk a man into feeling it.
The thought process always comes after and based on many things a man will then decide if he's interested in you... or not.
There are many factors which will push him one way or another.
Some of them are about you:
- Your personality.
- The way you interact with him.
- Having or sharing common interests.
- How you communicate yourself to him.
- How you feel about yourself.
- How you respond to him.
- How you make him feel about himself.
Some are about him:
- What he thinks he's looking for in a woman.
- Where he is in his life.
- How he feels about himself.
- HIS past experiences with women.
A man's interest in you tends to go beyond your look or physical appearance but you will find some guys can and will lose an interest based on your appearance.
From all that it's very easy to see how a guy might be physically attracted to you but not interested in dating you or wanting a relationship.
But wait... it goes a little further.
A man can lose his interest in you during the dating process but still FEEL a strong physical attraction.
A man can also be physically attracted, interested, and want to date you BUT that still might not ever lead to a relationship.
How and when a guy is ready, willing, and capable of committing to you is something else entirely.
Now...
You CAN engage or make him more interested in you through your appearance or how you physically interact with him, but that rarely leads to anything more and is not advisable as something to try on a guy you're looking for something more than just a physical affair.
If his interest in you leads to a real connection and many other things are in place - that is when it can turn into a relationship.
Rarely - if ever - will a purely physical connection go there without that interest and a real special connection built on communication.
I'll tell you a story from my life to help explain it all a little better for you.
I met this woman before I got married. I was definitely physically attracted to her. We talked a little and it was enough for me to think about her and had a possible interest in dating her.
The physical or instant attraction is there and so was a little interest.
After she left I thought a little about out past, who she was, where I thought she was going in life, what kind of life we'd be living if we were to hook up and/or start to date.
I even thought about her past boyfriends, her Father, and her Mother. I had met of few of them.
Then something strange popped in my head - I remember how she was a little overly emotional about things I found trivial and unimportant.
Suddenly, based on all that and a little more - my interest in her went down while my attraction for her stayed the same.
Here's where it gets real interesting.
I know for a fact we DO share some common interests. I came name about three or four things we both LOVE to do which would make it easy for us to meet up and share some good times.
She also appears or comes off as a faithful woman which is important to ALL men. She doesn't seem to be a woman who would ever cheat on a guy.
BUT...
And here's where men THINK their way closer to a woman or much further away.
She's a little young. Pretty. In-demand from other guys.
Remember the overly emotional reactions I mentioned above?
This leads me to believe she gets in relationships too quickly.
She's seems more likely to make a quick judgement based purely on a few emotional moments which lead to a long-term commitment BEFORE she's actually ready and that is not the "type" of woman I was looking for something more than just a physical casual thing.
All those doubts created chipped away my interest in her leaving me still physically attracted to her, but not wanting to explore anything more than just that with her.
This a generally how it happens for guys.
We feel. We explore or get to know her. We think about all sorts of things based on our personal wants and our past experiences.
Our interest will then go up or down based on our thoughts.
It doesn't end there - it continually cycles through over and over again the more or less we're feeling.
All that is quite easy to understand.
It only gets very complicated (for some) when you confuse a few things like:
- A general interest in you.
- Interest in a relationship for himself.
- Interested in a relationship with YOU.
- Mistaking common interest for real interest.
- A man can be interested in you and still not interested in a relationship with you.
- A man can be interested in you AND a relationship with you, commit to you, still be physically attracted to you and as all that cycles through his feel/thought process lose it all which might feel like in an instant BECAUSE...
Something very important is missing:
THE CONNECTION of his HEART to YOURS.
If I had truly connected with that woman above through the heart, I would've been much more likely to overlook the overly emotional stuff I saw and learned to work it all in as I moved my way towards a relationship with her.
BUT we never connected that way.
I didn't like some things about her so I didn't try to connect with her any deeper.
Since she didn't try or more likely didn't know how or she possibly didn't want to...
The connection never happened and I walked away NEVER to look back again.
Mind you I'm STILL a guy which means if she came to me after all this went down and offered her body to me - I would've taken her up on that offer and left it there happily.
IF, after the sex she realized she wanted more and went into her INSTANT RELATIONSHIP mode which I knew she was the type to do it, she would've only pushed me further away causing her pain and me distress as I would try to explain it all to her in a "nice" way.
So...
With the interest there - we shared some time together.
With the physical attraction there - we flirted, fooled around, etc...
With my doubts in her personality wise - I pulled away because I wasn't sure if it was worth figuring out how to get past it and turn it into something more.
AND...
Without a REAL CONNECTION of our hearts it was NEVER going to change my mind or have me feeling something more than a purely physical, slight interest with her which means my actions would've never progressed towards a committed relationship.
If she were to believe my words or actions (the interest and attraction) as me wanting something more and she started to feel it - she'd only become confused, possibly upset, frustrated, and would start to act on those feelings which in turn would only push me further because I wasn't there - without that connection.
The darling relationship expert Rori Raye explains that connection to me in a way which opened my eyes. You can read it here:
"You can’t go through his mind.
You can’t go through his body.
You can’t go down the spiritual road either."
Let's finish the rest of your question...
Waiting for a guy is NEVER the best option if you want to find what you're looking for from a guy.
It's the word "waiting" which is wrong because it implies putting YOUR life on hold.
Change the word "wait" to "Maybe, we'll see... let's leave the option open." and that would satisfy the agreement to "wait".
Putting your life "on hold" should NEVER be an option for you or any woman.
However, leaving an option open for a later time is okay as long as you're still dating other guys and are not overly obsessed with the one guy you're leaving open, AND you're figuring out new ways to connect with him that change the dynamics of your interactions with him.
In other words...
If you can not get him out of your head and your thoughts are stopping you from living your life and exploring other REAL options AND you're dismissing your needs because of it - then it's the RIGHT TIME TO MOVE ON... IMMEDIATELY!
As for the TRYING part...
Trying to get a guy to become interested in you IF there's already a strong attraction to you:
I don't like the word "try" but of course there are many things you can DO to get a guy interested in something more with you.
And that ALWAYS starts with YOU.
Stay or become interested in yourself FIRST.
Create Habits That Naturally Attract Men
- Make him work for it.
- Be his number one fan.
- Build those inner roads.
- Make it OK for him to disagree with you.
- Tune into his needs.
- Don’t neglect yourself.
- Keep him busy in the bedroom.
These 7 Habits Will Show You How To Keep Him Interested In You Forever
Increase his Desire for You
Getting a man to desire you beyond the physical is a great way to increase his interest in you:
Desire Principles - 6 Tricks That Women Use To Make Men Crazy About Them
Activate his Hero Instinct
Guys fall for women who know how to trigger an attraction tripwire known as the hero instinct.
DOWNLOAD Your Free PDF: The Secret to Understanding Male Attraction Triggers - No email required.
I've also posted the web version here at why do guys:
The Secret to Understanding Male Attraction Triggers & How It's Done
Lastly or in conclusion:
Men FEEL instant physical attraction for a woman which is beyond their control. You trigger them mostly by sight alone.
Interest comes after or during the thought process.
As a man cycles through the feelings and thinking his interest can either go up or down based on many things.
Some are about you.
Some are about him.
A guy's interest in a relationship with you is slightly different. He can be interested in you but not interested or ready for a relationship.
He can also be ready and interested in a relationship with a woman but that unfortunately does not guarantee he's interested or wants one with you.
Other factors come into play and is often under the not-mentioned category of "intention" which is only lightly covered in the newsletter and will be revealed at a later time.
The MOST important factor then becomes the CONNECTION you make with a man which has to be through his HEART and only in that way, will he want and feel compelled to fight and do things to make the relationship happen.
How To Connect To His Heart
Rori Raye can show you EXACTLY how it's done so you can make the right connection as soon as possible:
Have The Relationship You Want - Men Fall In Love With Your Heart
If you're not ready to purchase her book, you can hop on her free newsletter right here and decide later.
As for the reader who asked this question:
NEVER wait for a guy.
You can keep him as an option if and ONLY if certain things are securely in place.
Getting a guy to become interested in you always starts with YOU first.
First make sure you ARE interested in yourself.
Build a lifestyle and some healthy habits which naturally engage a man's interest in you.
Communicate that and more to him and you'll find lots of guys can not only become instantly (physically) attracted to you BUT also interested in you.
THEN learn how to connect with him in that special way and watch that interest and attraction turn into intention, desire, and a determined need to become closer to you.
Hi !
What do men think when a woman asks Them if they are married ? I recently asked a man I have only seen 3-4 times . Actually it is one of my relatives doctors (who treated him) . It felt like those time I met him at the hospital , like he Stared and smiled at me for longer than normal , and he was very attentive to me . Asked some personal question and so on … nothing more , but there was something about the Way he looked at me . He treated my father , it was not a complicated thing , but I was with him all the time and talked with the doctor . Yesterday the doctor called to Do a follow up , We talked about my father and stuff and in the end of the conversation I asked him ‘i was wondering if you are married’ .. he was silent for Long and then laughed very much , he Said he was not married but he was in a relationship . I told him that it was good for him (With a smile) and that he could always Call me some Day when he was no longer in a relationship! I Think he was very chocked … what do you Think a man thinks in this situation ?? He might be 40 Maybe and I am 27 .
What do men Think about a woman asking such a question ?
I was proud of myself After this …
Hi from Finland
Hi Tine and thanks for asking.
I’d say, on the average, most men think they’re being hit on or being flirted with. That’s why you got the pause and sly look from him.
Rarely will a guy let it slide or think nothing of it, but it can happen depending on the context and tone of the conversation. It’s just not the norm.
Great to hear you’re proud of yourself. Always good news. Keep it up!
While I still enjoy the sight of a beautiful woman, my mind immediately shifts to remember how much trouble they have caused in my life versus how little enjoyment I have had interacting with them. The urge to merge withers immediately, and I resume my normally-scheduled female-free life.
Thanks for sharing. It’s amazing how many men find out sooner or later that following just pure physical attraction can lead to more heartache and troubles if it’s not done right.
Although I do say you can get the best of both worlds and have it all. Which I think is best because nothing feels better when BOTH partners think, believe, and feel 100% that the one they’re with IS the most attractive perfect mate for them.
Thanks again.
Hi Pete,
I’m trying to figure out how and why men engage sexually with someone they don’t really find attractive. The person isn’t ‘unattractive’ but the individual doesn’t finds the subject attractive unless of course he’s horny. But after climaxing the first time he doesn’t get hard again. Any advice?
I don’t think this is necessarily a man problem, it’s a human thing.
When we are feeling sexually aroused, no matter where the arousal is coming from, we’re more likely to find the next available willing person more attractive.
Not being able to get hard (for a time) after climaxing is common for men, but I would assume in these cases, going for a second time can be more difficult because there’s little or no physical attraction.
The advice I can give you, if what you’re asking is how to rev him up for a second time is exploration, experimentation, and communication.
Coming straight from a guy, if you want to avoid “the talk” (out of fear of scaring him off or making him feel like he’s not pleasing you sexually) is to casually introduce verbal and mental imageries seductively to him.
Things like turning him over to massage his back. He’ll most likely close his eyes. Then you can start whispering in his hear something sexual to get his mind back into it.
My point is to use his own imagination, your sexy voice, and do your best to get his eyes closed so he can imagine whatever he wants. Men are aurally stimulated easily and it doesn’t require using any add-ons.
Now obviously you’d have to be okay with him thinking about someone else. It’s up to you. Seems like most women wouldn’t be okay with it.
Thanks for asking – hope you’re not so lost now.
Hi Pete!
I am a 19 year old female who just finished up an internship with a company in Europe. I live in New York City, so I traveled overseas for this internship and recently flew back to America.
While I was interning, there was a cute male coworker (30 years old) who works in a different department, but would sometimes stop by my department because he needed to interact with coworkers from my department for projects. I was interning for a total of 2 months, but for some reason, this coworker didn’t begin really talking/interacting with me until the last few days of my internship. I was introduced to him towards the beginning of my internship, but he never gave off signs of interest (I never caught him staring or looking at me and he never tried to talk to me).
It just so happened that during the last week of my internship, he came up to my department and asked for my boss, who at the time, was in a meeting, so he asked me if I could help forward a message to my boss and gave me his email so I can email him to let him know when my boss is out of the meeting. Then, he asked me how my internship is going and started striking up a conversation with me. He asked me where I go to school, how I like it in the city, what I study, what I do in my free time, etc. He is charming and sweet, and he was smiling, making eye contact, and listening/keeping the conversation going. I didn’t think much of it because I thought he was just being friendly and making conversation.
2 days later on my last day of my internship, an email from him popped up in my inbox asking me for a small favor/help on a project. However, he could have asked anyone else for help because there are people who are just as qualified as I am in the office that could help him. Nevertheless, I said I was happy to help. I dropped by his desk, and after he briefly explained the project instructions to me, I was just about to walk away from his desk when he struck up a conversation with me again. He didn’t know that it was my last day of my internship, but when I told him, he seemed surprised and it felt like he wanted to increase the amount of time we spend together. I don’t know, maybe this is all in my head though.
He teased me about not having a formal company email address (they don’t give company email addresses to interns) and I noticed that he asked me a lot of personal questions. We started talking about each other and he brought up things that I said in previous conversation. His body was completely facing me, he made great eye contact, he was smiling and seemed to be listening intently. It felt easy and comfortable to talk to him. He kept the conversation going and didn’t seem hesitant to get more personal with me by asking me questions about myself and allowing me to share personal information about myself.
At lunch time, he and I were in the cafeteria at the same time and we made eye contact once (when I looked at him he looked at me too), but I was too shy to sustain it so I looked away as soon as we made eye contact. However, we both seemed to become aware of each other’s presence at the same time.
He also likes to make me laugh and teases me/jokes around with me.
I wasn’t able to finish the project for him until very late in the afternoon and at that point, most people had gone home. He and I were one of the last people left in the office. I went to his desk to report back to him about the project. We spent a long while talking, somewhere between 30-45 minutes. The first 5-10 minutes were used to discuss the project, and the rest of the time, we were sitting there chatting about nothing work-related. We chatted about personal interests, hobbies, family, nightlife, our pasts, places we like to go in the city and things like that.
For some reason, he likes to talk to me and ask me personal questions. The conversation flowed and I noticed that again, he brought things up that I had said in previous conversations and he was not shy about making me laugh, joking with me and asking me questions about myself. It was easy to laugh with him and he would smile and make good eye contact.
We had a good time getting to know each other and when it came time to go, he said, “So how are you going to spend your last night here before you go back to New York?” I told him that I have dinner plans with a female coworker and will be spending time with my family as well. Looking back on the conversation now, I wonder if he was asking me that question in order to find out if I have plans so he could hang out with me. I wonder what would have happened if I told him that I have nothing planned and that my night is open. Do you think this was his way of potentially trying to find out if I have time to hang out?
He will sometimes tease/joke around with me over email, adding smiley emojis here and there. But no obvious flirting. The reasons why I don’t feel like he likes me/is attracted to me is because he never really showed interest until the last week of my internship, I haven’t really caught him staring/looking at me, he has never touched me, he doesn’t say anything obviously flirty (i.e. asking if I have a boyfriend, complimenting me, asking for my number, etc), and he has never asked me out in a direct way. I feel like his behavior has been pretty ambiguous and can totally be just friendly. Maybe he’s just a charming, friendly and charismatic guy who likes to build relationships with his coworkers.
He also told me that he wants to come visit friends in New York at some point and that he’ll ask me for recommendations and things to do if he goes to New York. So apparently, he wants to stay in touch even after I leave the company.
About a day after I left my internship, he added me on LinkedIn. I don’t know if this has any significance since LinkedIn is a professional networking site and he probably was just trying to increase the amount of networking connections he has.
What do you guys think? He’s attracted to me or just being a friendly coworker? Would appreciate the help 🙂
P.S. A few weeks ago, I told one of my female coworkers that I think he is cute. She then went on to tell HIM that I think he’s cute. According to her, he was super happy when she told him that I think he’s cute. So…I dunno if this has anything to do with it? There was so much time in between her telling him and then him beginning to interact with me though, so I’m hesitant to believe that him knowing that I think he’s cute has much to do with the current scenario.
Thanks for this article.
Made me cry as I am in the situation.
He was instantly physically attracted, still is. He was intrested in me, we dated… and then boom! His intrest vanished overnight!
We are still in contact and very close, yes I can handle it… I have learned to be gratefull for what happens to me in life 😊
We still have a good connection.
He tells me, he still feels drawn to me but doesn’t know why the spark vanished.
It is sometimes hard, cause I did not get a clue.
Thing is I know that it is not about me not being ‘enough’!!!
It is just so hard to understand for me…
He is confused hilself as he saus I am everything he is looking for in a woman… but there is the unkniwn but…
So I move on… don’t wait for him, still open to him if…
Sorry to hear for your loss and thank you so much for sharing your heartfelt experience.
I wrote this up for you, hope it helps:
He Said The Spark Disappeared – What Happened To The Connection You Had
Thanks again.
Your guy friend,
Pete
Can you maybe do an article on men not accepting women who have certain health problems? Unfortunately I had a friend who’s also a co-worker lied to me about a ton of stuff. He told me that he really liked me and and even was trying to touch me and stuff but it turns out when I opened up to him and told him about my Interstitial cystitis and how sex is going to be kind of difficult he wasn’t interested anymore. Now I know what you’re thinking oh he just wanted sex. I have been rejected by over 50 men now because of this condition. I’m even thinking about getting psychosis done to where I will have no interest in men anymore because I’m just so tired of the heart rate knowing that here I am at the age of 30 and will never have the chance of Love or marriage. Can you maybe make an article to help guys understand hey there’s more to a relationship than just sex? I’ve even had the therapist asked me have you thought about trying to be gay but I just can’t do it. Thanks
Sorry to hear about what is happening to you. However, since this is a site for women with mainly woman visitors, it would not be seen. I’ll consider for my all guys site I also write for. Again sorry to hear what you’re going through and I do hope things get better for you.
Hi Pete,
I find your website very interesting! Well done!
I looked at your list and I definitely have very strong #9 and week #3.
I go out, I m always with people.
I dropped office work, and have my own business that makes me happy cos its my passion.
I m getting closer to 40..but I always meet ( or they are interested ) much younger guys , like 20 th or 30th. I m ready 2 have family and get married , but I have a feeling that all these guy I meet want me 4 fun. Im a fun person but that does not mean life is only fun. So Id like to be with someone for good and bad, but I do not feel importance to ONLY start from fun part…Its been said guys have feelings 2…and they can f.e. feel hungry…and thats what I feel what they feel about me, but not enough2 me…
If you have any comment 2 leave looking forward.
Basia
Hi Basia, thank you. I appreciate it.
I’m going to say if you’re looking for a real relationship with a guy, you must look at men closer to your age. Not exactly, but just closer. Younger men, just like younger women may not be ready and might want something different than you.
All those things listed in number 9, which you say you’re strong in WILL help you find that man. And since you’re aware of it, makes it even easier. But again, I’d look into places where you can meet someone closer to your own age who is looking for the same things and has the same mindset about life that you have.
All the best and thank you again,
Pete
Hi Pete,
Thank you for reply. Partially I d agree with you but ( hehehe there is always but)I won’t, I have 2 older sisters married 1 20 the other 10 yrs with 8 and 4 yrs younger guys….they are happy families with children…so I would not put that Youngers off as some young guys are mature, and some my age, or older are not often being desperate just to get with someone not to be alone ( I don’t want that!!). Im everywhere ( apart maybe night clubs that where fun up till 20’s). so….simple honest good luck and fingers crossed would do :-). Cheers.
So let’s say you have all the top 10. In my experience those things become less attractive or enticing after you decide to be in the committed relationship. I seem to then become boring because my relationships still would rather keep me in the bedroom than take me out. This has happened 3 dang times. Guys seem to fall for me fast, want to marry me, and then lose all interest. Safe to assume I have some really offensive quality that only shows after a period of time?
You don’t necessarily have really offensive qualities which only show up after you’re in a relationship with a guy.
Chances are you get involved too quickly with men. They lead you quickly and you go along with it.
On the other side, if you have all ten then chances are guys put you on an unfair pedestal and “getting laid” seems to be a priority to them. Once they realize you’re a real woman and not just a bed partner – things change – and they begin to search for more. Unfortunately THAT should happen BEFORE sex because once a man gets the challenge, the relationship becomes only about that and not something more.
That unfair pedestal is creating a remarkable challenge to guys and you might want to use that to your advantage. Make them work even harder for it. 🙂
Good advice and it definitely seems to fit the relationships I have encountered.
Thank you
I really need your help because i have problems and dont know how to find answers for my questions.. thanks
Hi Peter, this site is amazing and definitely one of my favorites now!
I just wondered if a woman is missing a 2 or 3 things on the top 10 list, do you think that would somehow disqualify her? Specifically when it comes to 2, 5, 9 and 10? I’m thinking that confidence could be worked on, and overly quirky habits could probably be curbed. The voice and scent are interesting ones cause I know that sometimes when I’m nervous, my voice changes a bit, doesn’t sound as smooth or clear, (sometimes I even wonder if people may think I sound like I have a speech impediment at those times.) I’m curious about the scent thing too, especially early in dating, because even someone with normally excellent hygiene can occasionally be caught off guard if maybe they just happen to run into their object of interest after the gym (and probably not exactly at their freshest and most pristine, if you will.) Or if they ate something really strong that doesn’t have the best scent? I know this may sound like over thinking it a bit, but these things do happen. I just wondered if guys make concessions for occasional day to day situations that may interfere with constantly maintaining all the traits on the list, or do most men really expect that females are to always be “sugar and spice and all that’s nice?”
Hello,
Nope. A woman does not need all 10 things to attract a guy.
It is a very broad list. Some men will feel more attraction to certain ones but not others.
#2, The voice can certainly be “made more effective” I wouldn’t worry about it changing and sounding strange at times. It’s the over all tone that attracts guys.
#5 Quirky habits, happens all by itself. If a guy is feeling it, the habits are more attractive. If he’s not, they tend to go unnoticed. This one tends to amplify attraction more than anything so it’s a part of moving from the first stage of attraction to the second one.
#9 Self esteem – High Value – Confidence IS very important especially when moving from a first stage attraction to the second stage BUT all is needed is as much as the guy you’re dealing with and nothing more.
In fact too much #9 scares some men away because they can feel intimidated BUT that’s a good thing I suppose.
I think you confused #10 Her scent or how she smells, a little.
Your scent triggers an instant attraction for some guys and it can re-trigger it years later because smell is so closely linked to memory.
Your scent is loosely based on your perfume, shampoo, etc…
I wouldn’t worry about being caught off guard, it happens, AND it happens to us guys too. It’s just a part of day to day living.
So expect that yes, concessions are made as long as good hygiene is maintained.
Nope we do NOT expect you to be “sugar and spice all the time”.
Some of us would like to believe it’s true but do can keeps things in perspective.
The obvious rules apply… don’t show up for a date smelling like you just ate a garlic sandwich. 🙂
I don’t think you’re over thinking it all… I believe you’re just getting caught up in thinking guys will disqualify you because of that list.
It’s the other way around.
Just because you might not have an amazing sexual voice does not mean we will not feel attraction.
We don’t decide to feel things, they just happen.
The items on the list engage or “trigger” or our attraction which are beyond our control.
Again we don’t decide it one way or another.
Hope that helps you figure a little more out and thanks for writing in. I appreciate your question,
Pete