"So I met this guy online a couple of months ago. Everything was going great. We would have endless conversations about random things. He told me he was beginning to crush on me and that he couldn’t wait to meet me.
He mentioned to me that he was afraid he would scare me away.
I told him not to worry. After talking for over a month we decided to finally meet. I thought everything went well, it seemed he was into me as much as I was into him.
After our date ended he said next time he would drive up to see me.
A couple of days after that he began to be distant, until he officially cut off all the strings. He hasn’t tried contacting me and hasn’t responded to a text I sent him a couple of days after.
He still checks my social media but won’t talk to me.
My friends said he ghosted me and to move on.
This all just threw me off because he always mentioned how loyalty and honesty were important.
If he wasn’t into me why didn’t he just say so?"
When a guy says or even hints that, "He's afraid he'll scare you away." it's often a sign of low self-esteem and little confidence in himself which means you're going to get MORE of those actions from him:
He'll be too scared to make a move.
He'll be afraid to tell you the truth.
He's not going to honest with you IF he's not interested. He'll just disappear one day barely ever to be seen again.
As what has happened in your case.
I have no idea of the actual details of your date. You say "everything went great" but that's YOUR view and from his perspective.
He could've been intimidated by you.
He could've felt uneasy and unsure causing him to NOT want to re-live those feelings again.
He could be hiding things from you which could explain why he said he's afraid he'll scare you away - because you never know - the skeletons he has in his closet are quite unknown and can be anything from trivial to many failed marriages.
AND here's something to consider...
You said he always mentioned how loyalty and honesty were important to him. Which is probably why he said he's like to come see you next time AND why he mentioned he had a crush on you.
That's HIS form of honesty.
It's also the "easy" read.
But think about it - WHO mentions it as a prerequisite for dating or for something more long-term?
WHAT guy doesn't want loyalty and honesty from a potential partner?
No one (man or woman) ever ASKS, "Please lie to me and cheat on me."
Therefore this simple request or qualification he's attempting is most likely rooted in his past.
Men (especially type two guys) who request certain items either never got in the past, say it because they think that's what you want to hear proving them to be honest and loyal when they don't have to be - they just want to believe they are because it's what ANYONE is looking for, feel most people are not trustworthy, OR was cheating on in the past and are looking to avoid it from happening again.
Whatever the actual reason is:
WHAT he's communicating as far as I'm concerned is:
- Doubt.
- A non-trusting view of people.
- A very real look at himself as NOT being honest and loyal.
- A man who would rather hide than to face confrontation.
- Someone who worries a little too much and often lives in the future "what if" land.
And ALL those are clear traits of someone with low self-esteem.
It's quite obvious, and I hate this word that you were "GHOSTED"...
BUT that in no way can help you or I determine WHAT went wrong or why he did it OR even his real interest in you.
Guys like this often take rejection VERY seriously. Which also generally means they don't like to do it and will just disappear or hope you'll get the picture one day.
However based on your words (with having little to go on with how you act or communicate to men or how the date went) -
He didn't TELL you he wasn't interested...
He didn't reject you...
He WAS being honest (loyalty not fitting) for THOSE reasons.
He IS interested but he REJECTED HIMSELF and therefore by letting you know he wasn't into you, would have clearly been a blatant lie. Something he's obviously against.
ALL signs above point to a man who is scared and more than likely doesn't believe in himself AND he doesn't feel confident around women.
So...
What does this mean for ANY woman reading this today?
Whereas being "ghosted" can mean you're being rejected by a guy who doesn't have the balls to tell you, or is fearful of confrontation, or simply believes that most women can't "handle" HIM not being interested...
AND it can mean (if it's a consistent pattern in your dating life) that you're pushing men away and are playing a role in it...
It's NOT always the case and going there without real evidence or proof (beyond the consistency or type of men you're dating) is not healthy for you, your Ego, your self-esteem, and for your future interactions with men.
Sometimes..
HE is rejecting HIMSELF before you get the chance to do it to him thus sparing his certain agony and self-realization that he just doesn't FEEL good enough or worth of anything up to including love.
As stated in my book: Why Men Go Silent in the "Could You Be Causing His Silence? How and Why It’s You & Not Him" section:
"You can NOT and must NOT always blame yourself... period!
Be honest, open, and assume SOMETIMES it is right, good, and healthy to a take some blame and learn to accept your responsibility in it all and sometimes it is not and becomes a very unhealthy thing to do to yourself.
I can tell you from years of experience IF you're always blaming yourself, you're wrong.
Stop it!"
Why Men Go Silent, Ignore You, Refuse or Won’t Share Their Feelings
My point today is hopefully a little revealing about men so you can (obviously) understand them all - simply and to make it clear it's not all this or that when it comes to the often overly complex relationships between men and women.
It's NOT always an easy read into it - you just have to let your mind wander a bit because it's often OFF the beaten path where the real answers are AND...
By going there you're not only understanding men and yourself better BUT you also become better equipped to make wonderful connections because you must admit - when you're always on the same path...
Discovering new things is nearly impossible and when you find yourself discovering and developing a new mindset - you will be in fact OPENING up new and exciting ways to connect with everyone including men.
Related Posts:
Thanks for taking time to respond to my question. I tried to avoid writing a book, so left some things out but I guess it all boils down to the same thing.
You’re welcome Rose and hope all goes well for you. And yes, it will generally all boil down to the same thing.
Hi Peter,
I highly doubt my situation is the same as this article, but I was wondering if you could help.
I reconnected with a LD guy I had been talking to online on and off for 2 years and lost contact with for 3. Back then I was really into him and he made it clear he liked me too, but when I mentioned visiting him when I was near his area, he declined.
Fast forward it’s like no time passed . He even made it abundantly clear he liked me and that he felt we have chemistry . Says the reason he didn’t meet was because he was skeptical about people online . Also I know he had other issues at the time too. We were both excited to reconnect but heaccepted a contract out of town about a week after we reconnected and told me when he’d be returning home. The chats kinda died after that. I brought up visiting again (maybe too soon?) and he said we can talk about it when he returns home but he hasn’t said much since then.
I just feel like maybe he’s hoping i’ll forget but I don’t understand why after he told me how he feels/felt all on his own. What do you make of all this? Could I have come across as pushy? I just don’t understand why the ball gets dropped after it’s clear as day we like each other and he says he’s not in a relationship. Any insight?
Hi Rose,
Not good news here but I’ll do my best to make it positive.
Any guy you’ve been messaging online for more than a few weeks and still has not made an effort to meet up – distance doesn’t matter – has no future plans to change it. AND you’ve were talking to him for two full years with no meet up. So yeah – that’s not ever good sign. I can’t speculate or won’t give the many reasons why – but rest assured, it’s the case.
A guy can “tell” you anything but if he’s not ACTING on his feelings, he’s not legitimate or being genuine.
Remember – YOU offered to meet up with him, no work on his part, and he still declined the offer – which is another bad sign.
I’m not sure if you were pushy, I’m not privy to that information. BUT I’m positive, back then, is when it was supposed to happen, the “now” is just more of the same.
It’s unfortunate, but liking each other isn’t and will NEVER be enough so that really also doesn’t play a part here AND him saying he’s not in a relationship means nothing more than him – just saying it.
My personal advice to you would be to cut your ties with him completely and don’t waste any more of your time with him. I’m sure you’ll be much better off close by or going online to meet a guy who WILL follow through and DO something.
I do hope this is the call you need to separate once and for all and focus on a finding a guy who won’t “bullshit” you for years.
Wishing you all the best,
Pete