Have you ever wondered why it can be SO hard to find a nice guy? Well I can say unless you're looking in all the wrong places, doing and saying all the wrong stuff, or your standards are stuck on type one guys AND you're a bad judge of character... meaning you hook up with all the bad ones...
It's not your fault because it's a fact that most nice guys are just way too intimidated by beautiful women.
You're not scaring them away - they're already scared.
I'd like to say I'm no longer a nice guy but that's not entirely the truth, I merely changed my mindset to form something better and more exciting (to me and women) and it's what I teach guys over at DiaLteG TM.
The concept is simple - Nice guys generally are type two guys who are not good with women. I tell them to ditch their unattractive "nice guy" habits and instead of trying to be nice, just be a GOOD guy and they'll never have to prove it making them more attractive AND much less intimidated by ALL women.
You can read the beginning if you like: 20 Nice Guy Tips to Make You & Your Personality More Attractive to Women BUT it's not all that related to today's post.
I brought it up because, based on my past, and what I've become today - I KNOW THE NICE GUY from the inside out and I'm going to share the mindset he has deeply rooted in his brain which is causing all the intimidation AND making it very difficult for you to find one, let alone, date one.
Here are his exact thoughts that go through his mind and where the all come from.
You tug on his self-esteem and makes the question who or what they are:
- Am I good enough?
- What would she see in me?
- Why would she bother with me when she can have any guy she wants?
- She probably wouldn't even want to be seen dating me!
You test their confidence and unknowingly show them how low it is and make them question their experience, strength, and fortitude:
- Would I even be able to keep her anyways?
- She'd eventually leave me for some hotter stud guy.
- Could I even please her in and out of bed?
- Could I ever actually fully satisfy a woman like that?
You make him overthink anything and everything causing his brain to seize and freeze up almost instantly:
- How would I even start a conversation with her?
- What would I even say that she hasn't heard before?
- Every guy is trying to get in her pants - how can I show her I'm different?
- HOW am I even different than those other guys anyways?
- She'll never believe that I will always see her as something more than just a body!
You have them turning their internal negativity (limited beliefs) outwards:
- I bet she only dates assholes and jerks anyways.
- She probably only sleeps with bad boys who treat her like shit.
- Beautiful women are too much work anyways. I don't want that in my life.
- When she's nice to me it's because she's using her looks to get something from me.
- I'll give her whatever she wants and she won't respect me - she'll use me and then tell me she only wants to be friends.
- She's so used to getting her way - probably stuck up and all bitchy anyways.
At this point you have them turning all those negative limited beliefs inwards:
- She'll never start a conversation with me.
- Why would she want to talk to me?
- She never even notices I exist.
- I must be too ugly for her.
- If we do even talk she realize I'm boring and uninteresting.
- I'm a nice guy and hot women don't date nice guys!
AND all that is only the tip of the intimation they feel and what they experience in their head.
They put women on a pedestal just high enough to make them believe they could never be with a woman of that quality.
They confuse beauty with kindness and think they're actually related to each other.
They strangely enough also confuse beauty with rudeness (or not being nice) and convince themselves that they're right about it all.
They try so hard to treat you differently they become just like every other nice guy ALL trying to do the same. So the difference they offer ends up being just more of the same.
They make every effort to not objectify you because of your looks - they subjectivity themselves and fail to notice reality making it very difficult to change themselves in the process.
In slight defense of them - being one of them their views are not all unfounded:
- They see the guys you're dating. They make a mental image and quickly realize they do not fit that mold and never will.
- They've been the good friend who patiently listened to you complaining about how all guys are jerks - yet fail to notice the nice one in front of you.
- They have been rejected many times even before they get to open their mouth. They're generally treats like non-sexual beings.
- They see every guy hit on you and how you react to it. How you blow off the good ones and go for the tall dark handsome guy who flirts with you and treats you like you're some flake.
And NO - I'm not playing the blame game, that is their subjective images based on a limited belief system that stops them from moving forward and objectifying their lives.
So how does all the INTIMIDATION affect their actions around a beautiful woman?
In other words how can you tell if he's feeling intimidated by you?
The pressure they feel grows greater the closer they are to you which could cause them to start acting a little nervous.
They may fidget more, look out of place, linger around you sort of helplessly, present a strange smile, laugh oddly to displace some of their anxiety, and look terribly uncomfortable in their own skin.
Some will just avoid all those feelings by never getting close enough to experience them.
Others may over-compensate with broad displays of false confidence or do their best to try and act cool but inside, they're a wreck.
Not lastly - as this is something you may have already experienced...
They will befriend you. Pretend they're not interested. Do anything and everything for you just to be close - when inside their hoping you'll eventually do the work relieving them of rejection and helping them get over their fears and intimidation.
Those are typically guys who live in your friends zone until they either grow tired and can not handle the pain of being around you all the time, listening to you talk about other men, all without ever being something more to you - they then move on to another woman is slowly remove themselves from your life entirely.
The probably more important questions that arise from discussion so far becomes:
Knowing what you now know - do you still want a "nice guy" OR what I proposed to men - a GOOD guy who isn't feeling all the intimidation, limited beliefs, and negative emotions around a beautiful woman?
I assume the vast majority of women do NOT like to be treated like shit. They may date a bad boy but that is far from dating a jerk or just some asshole.
HOW do you attract one of those good guys?
How you get a nice guy to step up and be the man you want him to be without destroying the feminine-masculine connection? Is that even possible?
You came hear for an answer related to being beautiful - which means you think it, believe it, or just take it for granted based on what you've heard others say about you.
This tells me you have very little problems physically attracting lots of men BUT you probably have not had much luck attracting a nice or "good" guy.
You're also very tired of having qualify men so you can know quickly if he's only into your looks or body and not interested in something more long-term or substantial.
Your first step is to take an objective look at where, when, and how you meet men and quickly decide if that's needs to be changed immediately.
Your SOLUTION then is simply learning a different way to communicate with ALL men which will do several things:
- Make the good ones feel more comfortable and less intimidated by your looks so they can be themselves and connect with you easier and on a deeper level.
- Detect and reject bad behavior from the ones who will only hurt you, cause you emotional distress and heartache, and do it as quickly and efficiently as possible.
You want a guy to be with you and stick around for the right reasons (and not just because he's physically attracted to you) so you must learn the skill to do that while at the same time eliminating the wrong guys from your dating life.
Remember it's not your fault that nice guys are intimidated by you.
It's not your fault that your attractiveness tends to lead the wrong guy to you all too often.
You're not scaring the good guys away - they're already scared.
Learn how to communicate to the good ones in a way which makes the feel comfortable around you, create that much needed emotional bond with him, and you won't have to worry about why nice guys are running from you or doing all their weird stuff around you anymore.
You can now get on with your life and start focusing on enjoying yourself and the new connections you're going to make.
Credits
Image by Marius Venter found at Pexels.
Peter,
In your POV, what can a girl do in this situation?
Thanks for the wonderful article!
Great question Lucia although I must say, you’re not making it easy on me. Where are all the superficial questions? Hahaha!
Here is what I came up with:
http://www.whydoguys.com/how-you-talk-guys-intimidated-beautiful-smart-women/
“Beauty” is only one trait that men look for in a mate. If men aren’t approaching a pretty woman, it’s because she’s putting out a vibe for men to stay away from her. This is sometimes referred to as a “shit test”. In reality, most beautiful women may only be attracted to the top 5% of guys, but those high-status men are used to getting beautiful women all the time. So, why would they bother will a woman who acts like a high maintenance, demanding bitch?
Hey Pete!
I know it’s such a simple question. But what exactly IS a nice guy? I’m quite young and I do not really know how to spot the nice guys…hope you can help me out.
Thank you 🙂
Elizabeth
Loved this article.
Yes, yes and yes. I’m a bartender, I see 100s of men everyday. But, when I run into that drop dead sexy hot guy, my brain falls right out my ass. I think as women, we all feel at some point that we can never be enough for that one guy who we think is so perfect. But, what we fail to remember is that he may be just as intimated by us as we are of him. I have found in my walk of life, that just because he has a pretty face does not mean he has a pretty heart. And in the end that’s what truly matters. Looks are for introductions only… I say, be yourself and talk to that hottie. What’s the worse that can happen? If he’s interested you will know if not, NEXT! ?
Thank you Debbie and I completely apologize for making your brain fall out your ass – that must have hurt.
I had no IDEA! Thanks for sharing. Always wondered what was wrong on my side. How do we make them feel more comfortable around us?
Oh! For the handsome men, I feel they are yes, more open to dating and all.
One way (to make them feel more comfortable) is to just be open, exciting, and focus more on making yourself the best possible version of yourself (for yourself 🙂 ) and allow them same freedom to do the same.
I’m sure there are more ways but that’s all you’re getting for now. :p
Well unfortunately for many of us guys it is very hard to start a conversation with an attractive women which most of these type of women are so very full of themselves since many of them nowadays do have no respect for us good guys that are trying to start a conversation with a woman that will attract us. They will usually mouth off to us for No Reason at all when we will say Good Morning Or Hello to them which has happened to me already unfortunately which even a friend that i know had the very same thing happened to him as well. Most of the women today have no Good Personality and no Good Manors at all unlike years ago when Most of the women back then were the complete opposite of what they’re today which makes it very sad for us guys trying to find real love these days. Quite a Change in the women of today from years ago when the women in the Past really did put these women today to Real Shame altogether. It is very obvious why many of us guys are still Single today when we really Shouldn’t Be at all.
I get hit on a ton and asked out. I would say I’m attractive and an extrovert but I’m more sexy/hot than say wholesome beautiful like Emily Blunt. But, I TRY to go after the nice guys. I ALWAYS get hit on and date the narcissistic men with boats, fast cars, the lifestyle. But, deep down inside, I gravitate to the more shy introvert “nice” guy. They seem to ignore me. I’m very blunt in my delivery and I will say “I don’t care if you make small money or don’t have a car” etc. But, I feel at times, that can hurt his ego for not being good enough? You can’t win with them. I always fall deep for the average nice guy but they never want to go deep with me. They will objectify me (as stated in your article) but never want to actually date me long term. Even though I’m loyal, nice guys tend to not be trusting of me due to being hit on often. How can you show you like them without hurting their ego by telling them basically “you’re handsome TO ME and I don’t care what your financial status is, I still like you.”
Hello Anne and thanks for sharing.
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to build a man’s confidence and esteem when you’re not already in a relationship. It’s something they have to learn on their own. If you’re just friends with them, you can direct him to my pages and the people who helped me (dialteg.com and niceguyapproach.com) but I’m not sure if that’s going to work for the guys you want to date. Well it could, who knows, maybe they get it and come back to you. Stranger things have happened.
Yes, you’re right, I wouldn’t ever tell a guy you don’t care that he doesn’t make enough money or something like that. You should NOT have to tell a guy you think you’re good enough for him.
You also can NOT make someone trust you. It’s again, something they have to learn for themselves or it becomes something else much worse.
My advice is to say exactly what you think of them MINUS the negative part. For example, don’t say “you’re handsome TO ME and I don’t care what your financial status”- instead just say, “You’re handsome.” Nothing more. Avoid adding the judgement part because it will nullify the good part.
From there, it’s up to them. You can only say things, how the other person takes it is beyond your control.
Keep in mind in your search for average nice guys, that “average” is not usually a nice thing to call a guy and nice is not always so nice. It’s kind of manipulative.
Search for “good” guys who understand women and how to interact with them confidently and maturely. They ARE out there. Yes, they may be rare but they are out there.
I can not get into your exact interactions with men, that would cost you a lot of money BUT I will say, STOP searching for nice guys immediately.
Instead – look for maturity, confidence, and esteem (there are actually shy guys who have those traits.) Once you meet one or a few them, immediately test them for their “goodness” and not niceness. There’s a difference and if you don’t know it, please learn it.
I’m hoping you’ll feel attracted to those types of guys. Well, actually, I know you will.
When it comes to long-term dating and showing guys you like them, I will say quickly:
You can only do so much to allow a guy to come to the conclusion he wants to date you long-term. You only have control over yourself there. Some guys are just not ready, willing, or even capable of it.
Showing a guy you like them is simply a matter of paying attention, being fairly attentive, flirting, letting him see you get turned on when it happens, and so on… (Yeah there’s more to it but that’s enough for now.) Beyond that, it’s again up to HIM to believe it. I’ve known men to sleep with and date lots of women who still don’t believe women actually like them.
That’s why I say – look for maturity, confidence, and esteem FIRST.
All the best and thanks for sharing. I appreciate it I will most definitely use your comment to push the nice guy to do something for themselves so ALL women can benefit and find a good guy.
Pete