Nice men who are intimidated by beautiful women is a little too common.
Maybe it’s how we experience our youth or our first interactions with girls we’re highly attracted to OR maybe it’s something which slowly (and regrettably) seeps its way into our subconscious causing us to act a certain way around her or them.
However it happens, it’s definitely there.
The intimidation factor a guy feels while in close proximity is a real thing and it’s worth discussing AND being at least in some point in my life one of those nice guys 😉 I can pull from direct experiences.
She tugs on our self-esteem… makes us question who or what we are.
“Are we good enough? What would she see in me? Why would she bother with me when she can have any guy she wants? She probably wouldn’t want to be seen with me anyways.”
She tests our confidence… makes us question our experience, strength, or fortitude.
“Would we even be able to keep her? Would she eventually leave us for some hotter guy? Would we be able to please her? Could we satisfy her?”
She makes us think way too much…
“How would we even start a conversation with her? Every guy is trying to get in her pants, how are we any different? How could we be any different from them? How could we show her we’re different and want more than just a lay?”
She can also have us turning our internal negativity outwards…
“We bet she only dates jerks. Probably into money. Something tells me she’s too much work anyways. She’s only being nice because she wants to just “be friends” or wants something from us and is of course used to getting her way.”
She can also have the opposite affect by turning our outward negativity inwards…
“She’s not talking to us, she must not be interested or even notice we exist. What would we have to do to get her to notice us. I bet she’s not attracted to us, must be too ugly for her.”
So you can see there are so many reasons a nice guy (or any guy) might be easily intimidated by a beautiful woman.
It’s a long-standing belief that nice guys will put her on a pedestal so high that even if he could reach her, he’s push her higher demanding too much from himself.
He’ll actually begin to believe that he needs to treat her “differently” than other woman and by doing so, manages to make her feel less and possibly objectified.
It’s our problem as we “teach guys” that yes, they might want to treat a hot sexy model or a well guarded 10 a little differently or using the same “tactics” on her won’t work the same BUT that has little to do with attraction or more about how many times she’s being hit on daily by every guy she comes in contact.
Although most of those guys rarely ever believe it because…
We SEE who she dates.
We feel like we’re being rejected before we say a word.
We SEE every guy hit on her.
We feel like if we’re not amazingly special in 30 seconds or less, we’re not going to get anywhere.
This intimidation has the “nice guy” acting far from himself. The pressure mounts up and he either finds himself under in one of these types or all as his thoughts progress:
- Folds and cowers away sometimes in disgust with himself or beautiful women in general.
- Over-compensates with false confidence in front of her or his friends to either make her believe he can handle her beauty or in the very least, make his guy friends believe if she’s not into him, it’s because she’s a bitch anyways.
- The last “nice guy” is blinded, too determined, and a little diluted into thinking (if they’re friends) he can eventually wear her down or lead her to feel something through favors, coddling, or blind trust. Almost like he desperately tries to prove to her he’s better just because he’s nice and how she SHOULD feel something because he is a nice guy.
From all that (and more) it’s completely understandable how hard it can be to not only find a nice guy whose not so hung up on your looks, but to actually meet a nice man who you will feel attracted towards or is slightly indifferent and knows how to look deeper inside first before all the man-chatter leads him astray.
Now…
How about you? 🙂
Peter,
In your POV, what can a girl do in this situation?
Thanks for the wonderful article!
Great question Lucia although I must say, you’re not making it easy on me. Where are all the superficial questions? Hahaha!
Here is what I came up with:
http://www.whydoguys.com/how-you-talk-guys-intimidated-beautiful-smart-women/
Hey Pete!
I know it’s such a simple question. But what exactly IS a nice guy? I’m quite young and I do not really know how to spot the nice guys…hope you can help me out.
Thank you 🙂
Elizabeth
Hey Elizabeth I absolutely LOVE simple questions. 😀
Here’s a little something I wrote up for you and all women who are asking the same question.
http://archive.aweber.com/whydoesaguy/EWJDW/h/Stop_Looking_For_A_Nice_Guy_.htm
You’re welcome,
Pete
Loved this article.
Yes, yes and yes. I’m a bartender, I see 100s of men everyday. But, when I run into that drop dead sexy hot guy, my brain falls right out my ass. I think as women, we all feel at some point that we can never be enough for that one guy who we think is so perfect. But, what we fail to remember is that he may be just as intimated by us as we are of him. I have found in my walk of life, that just because he has a pretty face does not mean he has a pretty heart. And in the end that’s what truly matters. Looks are for introductions only… I say, be yourself and talk to that hottie. What’s the worse that can happen? If he’s interested you will know if not, NEXT! ?
Thank you Debbie and I completely apologize for making your brain fall out your ass – that must have hurt.
I had no IDEA! Thanks for sharing. Always wondered what was wrong on my side. How do we make them feel more comfortable around us?
Oh! For the handsome men, I feel they are yes, more open to dating and all.
One way (to make them feel more comfortable) is to just be open, exciting, and focus more on making yourself the best possible version of yourself (for yourself 🙂 ) and allow them same freedom to do the same.
I’m sure there are more ways but that’s all you’re getting for now. :p
Well unfortunately for many of us guys it is very hard to start a conversation with an attractive women which most of these type of women are so very full of themselves since many of them nowadays do have no respect for us good guys that are trying to start a conversation with a woman that will attract us. They will usually mouth off to us for No Reason at all when we will say Good Morning Or Hello to them which has happened to me already unfortunately which even a friend that i know had the very same thing happened to him as well. Most of the women today have no Good Personality and no Good Manors at all unlike years ago when Most of the women back then were the complete opposite of what they’re today which makes it very sad for us guys trying to find real love these days. Quite a Change in the women of today from years ago when the women in the Past really did put these women today to Real Shame altogether. It is very obvious why many of us guys are still Single today when we really Shouldn’t Be at all.
I get hit on a ton and asked out. I would say I’m attractive and an extrovert but I’m more sexy/hot than say wholesome beautiful like Emily Blunt. But, I TRY to go after the nice guys. I ALWAYS get hit on and date the narcissistic men with boats, fast cars, the lifestyle. But, deep down inside, I gravitate to the more shy introvert “nice” guy. They seem to ignore me. I’m very blunt in my delivery and I will say “I don’t care if you make small money or don’t have a car” etc. But, I feel at times, that can hurt his ego for not being good enough? You can’t win with them. I always fall deep for the average nice guy but they never want to go deep with me. They will objectify me (as stated in your article) but never want to actually date me long term. Even though I’m loyal, nice guys tend to not be trusting of me due to being hit on often. How can you show you like them without hurting their ego by telling them basically “you’re handsome TO ME and I don’t care what your financial status is, I still like you.”
Hello Anne and thanks for sharing.
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to build a man’s confidence and esteem when you’re not already in a relationship. It’s something they have to learn on their own. If you’re just friends with them, you can direct him to my pages and the people who helped me (dialteg.com and niceguyapproach.com) but I’m not sure if that’s going to work for the guys you want to date. Well it could, who knows, maybe they get it and come back to you. Stranger things have happened.
Yes, you’re right, I wouldn’t ever tell a guy you don’t care that he doesn’t make enough money or something like that. You should NOT have to tell a guy you think you’re good enough for him.
You also can NOT make someone trust you. It’s again, something they have to learn for themselves or it becomes something else much worse.
My advice is to say exactly what you think of them MINUS the negative part. For example, don’t say “you’re handsome TO ME and I don’t care what your financial status”- instead just say, “You’re handsome.” Nothing more. Avoid adding the judgement part because it will nullify the good part.
From there, it’s up to them. You can only say things, how the other person takes it is beyond your control.
Keep in mind in your search for average nice guys, that “average” is not usually a nice thing to call a guy and nice is not always so nice. It’s kind of manipulative.
Search for “good” guys who understand women and how to interact with them confidently and maturely. They ARE out there. Yes, they may be rare but they are out there.
I can not get into your exact interactions with men, that would cost you a lot of money BUT I will say, STOP searching for nice guys immediately.
Instead – look for maturity, confidence, and esteem (there are actually shy guys who have those traits.) Once you meet one or a few them, immediately test them for their “goodness” and not niceness. There’s a difference and if you don’t know it, please learn it. Here’s a “good” place to start:
The Reality Of Attracting Women: Being Nice Is Bad & Real Men Can Be Good
https://www.niceguyapproach.com/reality-attracting-women-being-nice-bad-real-men-good/
I’m hoping you’ll feel attracted to those types of guys. Well, actually, I know you will.
When it comes to long-term dating and showing guys you like them, I will say quickly:
You can only do so much to allow a guy to come to the conclusion he wants to date you long-term. You only have control over yourself there. Some guys are just not ready, willing, or even capable of it.
Showing a guy you like them is simply a matter of paying attention, being fairly attentive, flirting, letting him see you get turned on when it happens, and so on… (Yeah there’s more to it but that’s enough for now.) Beyond that, it’s again up to HIM to believe it. I’ve known men to sleep with and date lots of women who still don’t believe women actually like them.
That’s why I say – look for maturity, confidence, and esteem FIRST.
All the best and thanks for sharing. I appreciate it I will most definitely use your comment to push the nice guy to do something for themselves so ALL women can benefit and find a good guy.
Pete
p.s. Oh you might like these two articles I wrote too:
Tried All The Approaches & Women Really DO Want A Nice Guy
https://www.niceguyapproach.com/tried-approaches-women-do-want-a-nice-guy/
The Real Problems Of An Attractive & Beautiful Woman
https://www.niceguyapproach.com/problems-attractive-beautiful-woman/