Getting a glimpse of a woman a guy finds attractive is just the beginning.
Why he’ll stare, maybe say hello or start a conversation, but never follow through with what appears to be his intentions, is where it all can get kind of confusing.
Follow along and you’ll find out why…
First of all: Fear. They’re scared. They don’t know what to do and when to do it. They have never done it before or lack the experience. But there’s more.
It may seem far-fetched but I can tell you from personal experience there are tons of guys out there who never once “made a move” on a woman. They get lucky once in a while, maybe do something right, and suddenly she’s all over him. 😀 In a manner of speaking of course.
Men are not often taught the steps of seduction and rarely do they look for “real” advice on how to do it. When they do seek advice or counseling on the subject find it difficult an area to practice. ( Plus imagine how much bad advice is out there on this subject. )
When you are learning something like an instrument or a new job skill the practice part is handed to you because it’s an essential part of the learning process.
But as far as making a move on a woman or the act of seduction the practice part is extremely difficult.
What if he meets a woman who is not understanding of his lack of experience and rejects him?
What if he meets an incredible woman and screws it up so badly he feels useless or not capable of turning a woman on? That could scar him for life. 
Seriously, just imagine this is NOT an area where practice is a granted right and the woman’s response is not always beneficial or accepting. This alone can cause lots of guys to hope and poke never learning the valuable lesson they need on when or how to make the right move.
Being told how to do it is one thing – but actually doing is an entirely different experience.
Consider the entire “meeting process:
- Eye contact.
- The approach, meeting, being introduced, and starting a conversation.
- Getting a number or another way to contact each other later.
- Meeting up. Experiencing chemistry, attraction, or just making a real connection.
- Becoming closer or getting close enough to make actual physical contact from holding hands, hugging, to kissing.
Admit each one of those requires timing – ability – confidence – a relatively fearless attitude – and it’s obvious the guys who learn how to do all that successfully as early in life as possible with real results are probably going to go far with women.
But what if you stumble. Each one can easily lead to public rejection. A doubt of a man’s ability to, “be a man.” They can even lead to a woman lying to a guy about how bad of a kisser he is.
Of course all of that seems just like social competence and all of that may come to us naturally BUT based on your own experience you can also see how easy it is to block our natural ability to step through the entire process.
Some guys just stare or make eye contact but find it impossible to approach. They just don’t know what to say or how to do it.
Some get the approach thing handled a little by when it comes to walking away with a number and having you answer it too always stop him right in his tracks.
A few guys can walk away with your contact information but have no idea what to do with it. When they should call. Should they ask you out. Should they text you a lot first. So many of them don’t even bother hoping you’ll contact him. (That is if he remembered to exchange the info.)
The first date is nerve wracking even to the most hardy of people let alone guys who merely managed to get through steps 1 through 3. Now the pressure is on! How to keep it real and easy and free flowing without destroying the connection or chemistry which may or not be there.
Where steps 1 through 4 may be accomplished a new series of questions arises. When to make the first move. When to go in for the first kiss. Should he hold your hand? Give you as hug. Play it safe. Be daring. Go with the moment or fight his urges the entire way.
From the first second of eye contact all the way to some form of touching, to an enjoyable sexual “event” it’s almost like nature doesn’t want some guys to get with a girl. With so many roadblocks and so many chances to screw it all up – you can see how hard it can be for some guys to manage it all.
You’ll find it’s not only the less experienced guys with women but even the most accomplished ones just sometimes, if not more often than not, find it just plain easier to stare. Catch a glimpse. Make a little eye contact and hope something happens accidentally.
He might motion to you with some form of greeting but he might need the situation to be more perfect before he’s willing to bother with the next step at all. Considering how so much may be involved.
Maybe we’re a little lazy. Sure.
We’re obviously a little worried or scared from time to time about what could happen. Our skills in this area can and will become a big part of what being a guy is all about.
We know what needs to happen and we certainly want it to happen more without having to do so much work.
I won’t defend us “common men” for wanting to settle with less work. I won’t say they or we should learn it all so it does happen more naturally and effortlessly.
But I will tell you the truth about why guys will stare, what their motive might be, why we ‘ll say “Hello” and never make a move to either get your number, continue the meeting, reach for your hand, kiss you on the lips, or even take your clothes off when it feels so right…
You know once in a while we don’t want YOU to become just practice when we fail. And that should mean a lot to you.
We can be lazy at times and just wish you would meet us more than half way.
For some that DOES happen. For others it never happens.
For some we’ll stare at the ones we really want but unfortunately settle for what we can get because it just easier that way.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be your ultimate guy and if we can’t see ourselves in that role – well then of course we’re not against just checking you out from time to time, possibly even get to know you a little better – but never make that next defining move which will in no doubt prove our real intentions.
9 comments… add one
Hi Peter,
I found your site incidentally through a google search regarding my “crush” and his behaviour…I value your insight :). Now that I’ve buttered you up ;), can you please give me some one-on-one advice?
I’ll try to sum it up. I work in healthcare and am covering a mat leave for 2 half days a week at one clinic. (The perfect opportunity to flirt with a coworker). I work one-on-one with clients in my office; he works in the main clinic area, where the beds are, etc. We both are usually back to back with clients, so there is little time to talk and there is little overlap between our jobs. We seem to be stuck in the “Hello” and lingering eyes stage that you describe above. He always says an enthusiastic hello to me first, usually as I rush past his working area to the waiting room to get my next client, while he is working with a client (He must have good peripheral vision!).
I didn’t think much of it until in early February I overheard him saying he broke up with his gf (I gather some time in the new year). That same day, he came into my office like 4-5x for ridiculous things (e.g., to answer a work e-mail I sent him to which he never replied, to borrow the cordless phone, to check if it was there again, and then to return it). Btw, he never comes into my office. And for the first time, he seemed nervous while talking to me.
Otherwise, he seems like a confidant, outgoing guy. Before he left for a 1 week vacation at the beginning of March, it was obvious he waited until I was done talking to a coworker, to walk up to me, make googly eyes, and then wave bye to me. He is also super catering to me and helpful, sometimes dropping something he is working on to help me when he overhears me asking another coworker for help (I didn’t ask him because he was with a client).
So, how can I move this along? Last week, I ventured into his area and quasi made up an excuse to talk to him — I asked his opinion on a mutual client. All the body language is there — smiling big, turning his body to me, giving me his full attention, etc. Yet I am expecting more action on his part. Why can’t he make more excuses to talk to me or get the phone from my office? I oscillate between I should talk/flirt with him more to encourage him, and he’s not stepping up because “he’s just not that into me”.
PS – I forgot to mention that I am fairly shy and somewhat nervous around him. Sometimes I am able to return his lingering gaze; other times, I look down frequently and up again as he is fairly handsome but I don’t want to come across as a creeper.
Hi V,
Well… I suppose I can try since you did butter me up, you’re looking for some one-on-one advice. 😉 and Google recommended me…
From my point of view I highly doubt he’s not that into you. Most women are highly intuitive so I trust what you’re sensing is as real as how you see it. The signs are always there.
Especially the “waiting for you to say goodbye before he left for vacation” and the overly enthusiastic offering to help you. Both are very good signs he’s feeling “it” for you.
I must warn you though, some guys are terrible at getting your hints or reading between your lines. Why is not important for now. Also I know lots of guys who, when it comes to any kind of long-term work environment feel it might not be acceptable to grab a number and start dating.
Which of course makes it difficult for them to “move things along.”
For this reason I suggest you first – stay away from conversations which are mainly about work. People at work who talk about their jobs become better job associates and rarely more, if you know what I mean.
You don’t want to start meaningful conversations so keep it light and fun. Steer it towards something you like doing outside of work. The idea is to share small “examples” so you can possibly find a common ground of things you can do together.
If you must, and this works quite well, start a flirty adventure that couldn’t possibly happen but is a little secret you both are only privy to. The concept is that when two people share “secrets” they begin to bond and both usually assumes it means they are connected in a way “others” are not. That also clues him on that you are treating him differently but in a good way.
Remember you need to connect with him on a level which goes beyond work habits, share some secrets (fun fantasies) and this can easily lead to seeing each other outside of work because work is getting in the way of your fun together.
I think that is key here so I’ll say it again: Finding common flirty fun and sharing a “secret” connection to the point where work seems to get in the way of the fun.
That should give you lots of options to use your imagination.
If it doesn’t, you could always try buttering him up, tell him you value his insight, and then accuse him of not calling you on a day off when he supposed to. (Of course he couldn’t because he doesn’t have your number which means you must exchange numbers so it doesn’t happen again. Hmmph!!)
Don’t sweat being nervous an shy. Guys like the cute shy nervous girl routine anyways. 😀 Don’t worry about looking away. A real guy knows what that means. Don’t worry how handsome you think he is and how you like to “check him out,” just smile when he catches you and feel free to blush a little.
Best to you V, hope that helps move things along for you,
Pete
Thanks for a great article… This provides a lot of insight and was very helpful. I do have a situation which is beyond weird and I was hoping to get your perspective.. Keep in mind that this has been going on for over a year and I am talking about a grown man in his 30s who does the following weird behavior:
-Staring… A lot. Stops whatever he’s doing and stares at my face, doesn’t smile, doesn’t look away, doesn’t seem to care if I see him staring … Looks like he’s in a trance or something… Kinda of a creep stare ..
– lurking around… He’s everywhere and doing the creep stare. It’s not coincidence he’s always around because on more than one occasion, I caught his friend going to go get him everytime I was around. I decided to see what was up so one day when he was in close proximity and staring, I stared right back at him, held his gaze for 10 or 15 seconds and creeped myself out so I turned around and walked off. He then followed me into the stairwell and up to my floor, but he didn’t follow any further past the door to the stairs… Now it gets weirder..
– After that, he was still lurking around but everytime I saw him he would look down or away… He also gave off some tension that made me uncomfortable. I tried a few times to say “hey how ya doing?” And he would barely look at me, mutter some unclear answer and scurry off… Basically acted like a prick… He still kept coming around though but would look down and away when he got close. It was all uncomfortable so when I saw him coming my way, I would simply leave the area.
– A couple of times he actually said “hi” to me… He could barely look at me, his face was red as a tomato, and he looked all sheepish… I was always friendly back and he seemed kinda happy even though he scurried off rather quickly… He did also revert to the ignoring behavior and it got weird again so I would leave the area when I saw him coming.
– at one point he “disappeared” and I figured maybe he found someone else to bug until I ran into him and he gave me an angry look and stomped off… So it appears he was deliberately avoiding me… Alrighty then! This went on maybe a month and then…
– He was back… Every single day with all his friends in tow (safety in numbers?) … Now they act extremely loud and obnoxious and instead of looking down they all looking at me… Again a little weird..
– his work in my building is done so he’s not around anymore and I will probably never see him again.. Some of his friends are still there and around alot and chat with me occasionally.
What I can’t get my head around is why on earth would somebody spend over a year doing all the weird stuff above and never ever take a normal step to get to know someone? It seems like such a waste. What do you think was going on in his head? Was he genuinely attracted or was I just eye candy or wank material? Maybe I look like his mother? It seems like an awful lot of drama to not make a normal effort. Also why are his friends chatting me up now! Isn’t that against some kind of bro code? Thanks in advance for your insight! Best!
Hello Kate,
This may be weird to you but that’s probably just because it hasn’t happened to you before at such a degree.
The facts remain the same – Some men are literally scared shitless around women they are attracted to.
The “angry” look is usually because they’re angry with themselves and not you for not having the balls to do something. As time passes they feel they’ve missed any opportunity and seclude themselves.
When it appeared that he was ignoring you he was just trying to hide from you because he probably realized he’s creeped you out and is embarrassed by all this staring.
This man was “sort of” having a love affair inside his head with you. Yes, you did become wank-off material at some point only furthering his embarrassment and feelings of guilt or kicking himself for not even saying “hello.”
You see some men cross a point of no return. This happens when they believe they screwed it all up so bad you’ll only ever see him as some creepy dude and you would never give them a real chance.
Some days they’ll feel ballsy and soak in your beauty or revel in their attraction. Some days they feel guilty for all the staring. Some days they get luck to involve their friends and perhaps even make up some shitty ass story pretending why they would’ve turned you down anyways.
I know – the nerve of some guys.
Chances are – his friends know how he is and when he’s gone are more than happy to chat you up.
No, there is no “bro-code” to stop them from talking to you. Apparently they’re all a little less drawn back by the whole affair.
The only other explanation – although I still stand by what I’ve wrote is a little off the beaten path but wouldn’t you know it – I have a hell of an imagination…
He worked in your building? Was there a chance he could’ve seen you from your window doing something like changing, having sex, anything like that would cause some pretty strange reactions from him?
I highly doubt that happened but I must cover everything… Haha!
Thanks for asking Kate and YES, some men do actually become so distraught, confused, embarrassed, angry with themselves, act very weird because socially, when it comes to meeting a woman – they not only take it all way too seriously – the fear of the approach or even just a small interaction scares the living hell out of them.
Hope this all helps you Kate and the best to you too,
Pete
Thanks for answering Pete! You explained it all really well. I don’t understand why anyone would make the effort to come by to see someone everyday for over a year and not ever at least talk to them…But hey, I guess I am just a more results-oriented person!
I can assure you he never saw me having sex and the only way he could have seen me changing is if he was deliberately peeping in the ladies room. The only ‘inappropriate ‘ thing he may have seen was some dude hitting on me big time and I was receptive (dude was hot!) but this occurred after he was lurking around for months already so it wasn’t the cause of the weirdness.. Though come to think about it, this happened around the same time as his ‘disappearing act’ so maybe that had something to do with it?
He doesn’t work there anymore and I haven’t seen him for quite awhile… Since it appears he hasn’t made any attempt for contact outside of the workplace, I am presuming he has ‘moved on.’ I hope he at least enjoyed the wank material!! Haha!
It could ( the hot guy hitting on you and you being receptive ) cause some guys to go off the deep end.
For example – Let’s assume he’s been dreaming about asking you out – going over and over it again in his mind – now he’s thinking you’re different, special, a purely romantic of kind of girl.
All this time he’s building you up in his head as the end all and be all of his existence as a man. And then he sees you being receptive to some “hot” guy who is obviously hitting on you.
Unfortunately, the more he built you up, the higher he put you on a pedestal, it all comes crashing down as he judges you for being just like all the other girls even though deep down – he knows what is really going on.
I doubt he’s moved on so quickly – men keep things around for a long, long, long time.
Visually though, to be honest, it’s really hard to use a “lasting” image as you called it, “wank-off material”. Strange as it sounds we move on quicker from image to image and are always looking for the next best “wank-up material” but never really find it – because the rush is gone.
This movie did a pretty good job at explaining it…
Don Jon – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2229499/
Men ( generally speaking ) keep everything and anything for a long time, from boxers to cars to old wallets and yes even feelings for women.
So I’m sure he enjoyed his “time” with you and won’t forget any time soon.
Especially if you became that intimate in his mind or hand or whatever his preferred method is.
You’re welcome and just for the record everybody – NO, I was NOT the hot dude who was hitting on hurt her. Hahaha!
Pete
Thanks Pete! You are great at explaining this stuff. You should write a book!
I feel bad now for thinking he was weird! If I ever see him again (or any guy that might have those issues), I am sending them to you for coaching!
Guys with those issues are doing themselves a great disservice by acting that way… And they are also doing the women they are interested in a disservice as well by building them up so big because nobody is that perfect and she will surely fall short of his expectations! Which is why he needs to put the fear aside and just talk to her already so he can get to know her!
Hi Pete, sorry in advance for the long post! It’s a great blog you have here, I really enjoy reading your posts.
I need your help with dealing with a guy from my gym/dogo. This guy stares like no tomorrow, I usually ignore his gaze as I don’t want to give away my interest so obviously. He’d loiter around me, I can see him trying to engage me visually from across the room, but he won’t step it up from there. So then I began returning his gaze and seriously for 5 seconds we’d have unbroken eye contact, then he does this lip curl, smirky eye narrowing sexy thing which makes me melt. Then I have to look away bc my brain is about to explode. I’ve never experienced such a piercing gaze, I really can’t get him out of my head.I do try to inject a smile in their somewhere.
We’ve had deep conversations, and have exchanged light hearted banter (I tease him to death, yes I know, I’m immature, so what). He has sort of indirectly mentioned something about my “attractiveness” in a convoluted way i.e he told me he thinks that my sensei thinks I’m “hot”. He’ll stare at me for the hour long class, loiter around me and try to tease me, . He got so close to me the other week, I knew he’d be able to smell my perfume, which truly electrified me as I’m well aware that we have not actually touched yet. But it doesn’t go any further.
I’ve been a member for 7 months so I keep telling myself to get over it as he would have made a move by now if he was interested. (I’m a Rules Girl at heart, I can’t undo the brainwashing arghh) so it goes against nature for me, the woman, to create a situation, the guy must take the lead! Otherwise it’ll be too easy, right? So many girls go gaga over him, and I have witnessed the way he will give them a little attention, make their day, then proceed to ignore them completely for 2 weeks, then repeat the cycle. Two women in particular have become the gym joke with the guys as their interest is so obvious and sad to watch really. I don’t know if he likes playing little “got ya” games with women, where getting women to pursue him is the prize that validates him, after which he gets bored and onto the next conquest. Maybe that’s why he keeps at it with me, because I don’t give him the validation he’s come to expect from them. What do you think is up with this guy? Does he want me, is he just playing games, what can I do to get him to step it up? He is single, by the way. Sorry for the long post! Thanks in advance for any insight
P.S- (you can delete this bit before publishing if you like) I hope my email isn’t published with the post! can you please delete it if it does? Thank-you again!