The process of going from eye contact (or the stare) to saying "Hello" to a woman and starting a conversation all the way to making a move is certainly tough for a lot of guys.
You're about to find out why guys will go through the first few steps but FAIL to make that move - whatever it may be ranging from not getting your number to not calling you after all the way to not going for the first kiss.
The most obvious reason women might believe is that he's not interested or his interest went down in the first few minutes of contact and I'm here to tell you - that Is RARELY the case.
If a guy goes through all the trouble, faces the risk of approach, and doesn't take the next step it's usually him and not you with a few rare exceptions.
That rare exception will not be covered today and the only thing I will tell you is that IF he's a type one guy - then yes, he probably lost the interest or decided at that quickly that you're not the one for him OR he met someone else soon after meeting you.
On to the more probable...
He's never actually made a move on a woman.
He relies on luck and unless it's never worked out for him at all - the women in his life has always been the one taking that next hard step.
This is actually more common than you might believe. I did it myself for many years and although it didn't work out the way I wanted to or as often - sooner or later I'd meet a woman who would take care of it all for me.
It's a VERY typical type two guy thing to do.
So if a guy you know has gone through all the trouble to talk to you and get your number BUT failed to either call or called you and you went out but made you feel like he wasn't into you because he never went for that first kiss...
There's a very real and high probability he's never done it before and men like that are not always defined by their age group.
Old or young - makes a slight difference but not as much as you might believe.
Next one...
He has a very real fear of success with women.
Men can be quite messed up and the fear of success is all too consistent thing among lots of men.
They feel like once they get there:
- They won't know what to do or when to d it.
- They're unsure about how to handle what comes next.
- They're afraid they'll go to far with someone, lose interest, and then have to figure off how to reject her.
- They don't know HOW to deal with the consequences of their actions.
- They're afraid you'll let them kiss you and you won't like it and reject them because of it.
And those a just a few of the fears.
Some men think so far ahead in circumstances like this - when the time comes - they think themselves out of doing anything with you which will make you feel like they're blowing you off or rejecting you but they're actually doing it to themselves - you just happen to be Miss Unlucky number whatever in their constant battles over their fears around women.
Next reason...
He can not live up to the man he made himself out to be to you.
When you met - he was on his game but he went a little too far - he built himself up so much to you, later he realized that's not who he actually is in real life.
I'm not saying he lied to you - some do - but typically it's because he wanted you to like him so much he embellished his life or standard of living or his so-called talent with the ladies and went a little too far.
Once that bar was set - after further consideration - he felt or believed it was ALL going to be a let down for you when it came time to back up all his bullshit or his overly confident routine.
This happens a lot if you've only met online - more than in face to face meeting but either way - it's something to look out for when his next step didn't come and you felt rejected.
Next...
He has a crippling fear of FAILURE.
Whereas the fear of success stops a man from moving forward - it becomes quite obvious these fears are also tied to him avoiding yet another failure.
He understands and believes that rejection can come at any time. He might also believe it's going to happen - he's just not sure WHEN.
The choice he makes about when he wants it to come will ultimately determine when you'll last hear from him.
Sometimes it's just before the first phone call or message - other times it could be after the first or second date...
When the fear become too great for him - he becomes crippled to act - doesn't know what to do about it - and instead of letting things take its most natural course, he retreats and rejects himself preemptively to spare the eventual pain and hurt of hearing it from you.
In conclusion...
The meeting process or steps a man takes is not always easy for a guy and a lot of HOW it happens can be quite accidental.
These accidents could come from meeting you at a party or bumping into while out doing things or being introduced to you through a mutual friend.
This is how most type twos meet women and because of that - the reasons listed above can in one way or another determine if he's going to take the next with you or not.
In the rare circumstances he risk the approach and started a conversation with you doesn't always guarantee he knows what comes next or has the confidence and lack of fears to proceed forward and DO something about it.
Sometimes you're not being rejected at all.
They're not losing their interest that quickly.
They're not blowing you off because they "decided" they don't like you.
A guy might...
- Be waiting for you to take the next step because he's never done it before or doesn't actually know how.
- He's worried that he will succeed and will let you down by not being competent in that next stage.
- He felt like he made himself out to be this amazing and great guy but doesn't believe in himself enough to live up to those sometimes unspoken promises.
- He's determined to reject himself to you at a time he thinks it's easier to handle rather than going to deep and being rejected by you - accepting one pain over another on his terms.
Here's MY story I recently shared in my private newsletter.
What about the women I passed by because to them – they were into me and either I wasn’t interested or attracted to them and I’m positive the signals I gave them were very confusing.
I’m almost certain I drove them CRAZY.
(Probably leading them to the inevitable conclusion that ALL men are… just messed up!)
AND what about the ones I WAS interested in?
Take Christine (last name deleted after further examination) for example. Yes that’s her real name. Oh was she soooo into me. I was the “cool” new kid visiting her town.
I was showing off my skills (please laugh or forever be labeled with no sense of humor) as I was literally carrying around a flattened cardboard box, a what was called a “boombox”, and break-dancing for everyone in the spread out large lower-class (government subsidized) apartment complex.
And sure I was good, but not THAT good.
I was the cousin of her brother’s good friend which made me the outsider and she hooked on to me quickly. Why? Who knows – back then I assumed it wasn’t my looks that’s for sure. It wasn’t my shy personality. Maybe there was something “special” in the water they drank because (since I never equated to showing off my dance skills to attracting women) I certainly was not confident in my woman skills.
Hence making me the type two – a man who doesn’t understand women. You can read all about both types in my book below.
So Christine was into me.
I remember her but the events that transpired are a little fuzzy, not that they matter anyways.
The end result however… I DO remember.
I BLEW HER OFF ENTIRELY!
Here’s this cute girl. I was so desperate to find a girlfriend. I was extremely attracted to her. She was everything I ever imagined in a girl AND yet – I still probably broke her heart. (I actually don’t know if it broke her heart but it certainly broke mine.)
Why? ....Right?
Why does a guy act this way?
What does a young man have anything to do with an older guy?
You know, the kind you’re into and not some young break dancing punk with long hair and a cardboard box to show off to the ladies.
Like most type twos – I was scared, inexperienced, and so deathly afraid of kissing her the WRONG way that I chickened out.
Put my tail between my legs and avoided her at all costs until she “got” the picture and went away all too quietly as I’m now thinking about it.
You’ll find boys like I was (take note how I still remember her specifically among what I can guess is about over a hundred of failures and possibly more) …
Well we grow up into the men YOU have to deal with everyday.
They send you mixed signals.
They act all into you but fail to DO anything.
They pretend to be all cool when inside they're a little boy scared who just doesn’t know WHAT comes next or how it’s supposed to happen…
So they blow you off.
And it has NOTHING to do with you. (Well actually it has everything to do with you but not in the way you might think.)
These are things that guys rarely if ever grow out of UNLESS they figure something out like I did, OR they just get lucky, OR they find a woman who pushes it all, takes on the masculine role despite his inability to lead confidently, and some of them suffer the consequences years later as they’re now stuck with a man-boy who treats his wife like his “mommy”.
Powerful eye-opening stuff, isn’t it?
I’m not saying or advising you to stay away from a type two. In fact you won’t be attracted to many of them anyways.
Just trying to keep it simple for you.
Men who are into you and don’t act like it or DO anything about it are as simple as it gets in understanding men.
They don’t GET YOU!
They don’t know what to do or what comes next.
They’re scared they’re going to screw it all up and from those fears, screw it all up anyways, some before they even open their mouth.
That’s the type two and since they comprise the majority of men out there – they’re the most common type you will come in contact with everyday.
Please - keep this all in mind the next time a guy goes through all the trouble of meeting you BUT fails to act or take the next step because it's not always your fault - you're not always being rejected by these guys - they're not doing it on purpose - they're not out to make you feel awful - they don't intend to confuse you.
Some are just inexperienced, confused themselves, lack the confidence and skills, and let their fears decide for them about what to do
Hi Pete,
I have been in a daze of confusion with one of my best male friends. We used to be in love with each other but a year ago he fell out of love with me, recently I have caught him multiple time staring at me. Occasionally he will look away quite quickly, other times he will hold a serious look with me for a few seconds before turning away. Has he fallen again? Thank you.
I have been friends with the guy for about 4 years and over these years he will stare at me quite seriously and when I turn to catch him he nods and looks away. As soon as I look away again he is back to staring at me
Hi Peter,
There’s a guy in my class who always turns around to look at me. He usually checks me out when he thinks i’m not seeing and i caught him looking at me but then he quickly looks away. He has been doing that for sooo long but he has never made any move. Maybe he just thinks i’m pretty and just wants to look? The thing is that i’m really shy and i think he’s also shy to approach, so nothing ever happens. Should i say something to him? But that’s another problem because i don’t know what to tell him and it’d get really awkward because we’ve never talked to each other before.
What should I do?
I graduate this year and then i won’t see him again 🙁
Thanks 🙂
Hi Jessica,
All you really have to do is say “hello”. If he’s that intent on staring at you then it’s his responsibility after that to actually being to have a conversation with you. Don’t dismiss the power of “hello” when it comes to guys. It releases a lot of tension they’re feeling about the approach.
Granted the conversation might not develop to quickly. He could stumble or even tremble but don’t let that make you believe it’s anything more than nervousness. In other words I’d expect the first talk to be tough for both of you.
I wrote this and it may help you out a little:
http://www.whydoguys.com/how-approach-shy-guy-when-talk-to-quiet-men/
I’m sure there’s more but that should get you started,
Pete
Hey Pete,
I must say really great site. Love the articles and have been trying to use your advice to figure out whether a man at work is interested in me.
So here it is:
Every time he sees me, he always gives me a really big smile, this has happened for months now. It stands out to me only because we actually don’t personally know each other, we work in the hospital together, however not even in the same department. Our only meetings are in the carpark or by chance in passing in the corridor. We have spoken twice on a professional basis. That’s it.
In the last few weeks I feel he has taken more notice of me. Once I passed him in the corridor while he was talking to a colleague and I slightly turned my head as I walked past, to which he responded by looking me straight in the eyes and saying “hello” to me while in mid conversation. The very next day he saw me driving in as he was getting out of his car, he turned and looked right at me and gave me a head nod. On both occasions I smiled back. The following day my Dad had an appointment with his colleague who had to cancel our appoint last minute, he personally came out instead of his colleague or the secretary, he sat down next me, very close and apologised and re-organised the appt for later that day. This is generally the job for a secretary, not the head of the department.
Just yesterday morning, he completely avoided me in the carpark in the morning, then at lunch time I happened to be going for lunch as he was returning, again he was in a conversation with a colleague and stopped mid conversation to say hello to me, he also looked me straight in the eyes and turned to face me as he did this.
This morning, we both happened to park opposite each other and when he got out of his car, he looked straight at me, and gave me a smile and nod…which I of course returned. He then completely avoided walking behind me as he normally does, overtook me and walked in front of me and headed into work at a rapid pace.
As I was leaving work today though, I happened to notice a small teddy bear sitting at the back of his car….. which was never there before…girlfriend??? So now I feel really confused…
So, I really am unsure of what the deal is, is he interested? At one point I was going to pop a little note on his windshield that said “coffee?” and pop my name and number, which leaves it open for him to choose what to do with it, however since seeing the teddy bear I am not quite sure it’s such a good move. I really do like this man, and would like to get to know him more than the smiling and hello’s. Any advice/insight and would be great!!
Could be a girlfriend, could be from a child, perhaps he has a family, maybe he’s divorced, maybe he’s happily married and doesn’t wear his ring to work (although that would be odd)…
Maybe he refuses to get involved or approach a woman at work to talk discuss non-work related things, or to flirt with, or to open up his information to dating…
Maybe, just maybe…
Can you see where I’m going with this? With so many questions all you’re doing is making it tougher on you to DO something.
I see work places as a little different than the outside world. “Maybe” I’m crazy? 🙂 But I feel the woman MUST let the man know it’s okay to approach or start something different because us guys can get in a lot of trouble where our career and livelihood is put at risk. Something we tend to avoid doing. You can do that by opening up to him casually. Take advantage of the next moment you have with him by NOT thinking about all the “maybes”. You can compliment him. Flirt with him. You can even lead the conversation to where you skillfully find out if he has a girlfriend or wife.
BUT please do NOT leave your name and number on his car. It sounds romantic but I feel it’s a little too masculine.
Everyday, use these opportunities to discuss something and leave it open. That way you can pick it up right where you left off the next time. This will show him you remember him. This will show him you’re open to more because you are taking the time to get to know him beyond the workplace. It will also show him you just might be thinking about him.
Sure it will take some time but it’s worth it and sooner or later, you’ll have all those maybes taken care of one way or another.
Don’t let these opportunities pass you by. Take advantage of them of change the dynamics of your interactions with him which create fun, chemistry, and a real connection.
If he’s real, open, single, attracted, most likely he will take it from there.
Sound like something you can do? Hope so. 🙂
All the best,
Pete
Thanks Pete.
You are right, assumptions and maybe’s are a sure fire way to kill something before it’s even had the potential to begin. I will find out eventually if he is real, open, single and attracted to me. I do believe he will be worth the wait, so advice taken.
I’ll keep you posted!
Cheers!
Okay so what you are saying is that sometimes(not all the time)the confident extroverted guy that stares at you can mean he wants to make a move but is over thinking things? There is a guy that I really like that I work around and he has let me see him checking me out and we have made eye contact many many times and at one point he has even taken a step into my personal bubble while making eye contact. He has pulled another guy away from me as well(he was one of his employees and we were just talking) and then he walked back by a few mins later and checked me out after saying hello. But the thing is that whenever I come up there(we work at the mall)on my days off just to chill he always stares at me. And I’ve seen him staring at me while I was working even as well. I’ve had friends tell me he was checking me out(like he craned his neck to check out my ass)and they have told me that he was just standing there staring at me even. But lately when he says hello he says it with no expression on his face at all. He KNOWS that I like him too cause I had two douchebag guy friends of mine decide it was their duty to tell him I liked him. So I’m just kinda sitting idly by wondering what in the fuck is going through his head…cause he told my friends that he thought I was cute but he couldn’t date people from the mall. Like what is that supposed to mean? Like part of me thinks he is into me but part of me feels like he’s just messing with me.
Hello Allison,
It’s been through my broad experience of being a man that , “couldn’t date people from the mall” is an EXCUSE. A reason to avoid actually having to do something about his attraction.
What’s he’s “probably” thinking is, “I wish I knew what to do, how to do it, what to say, how to say it, when to say it… why doesn’t she just ask ME out already!!!” etc, etc etc…
That’s my best guess.
Even if he’s thinking he can’t date anyone from work because of the obvious complications, most men get over that very quick, especially if they’re on the younger side AND their jobs is not a career they need to keep forever.
He’s hoping that YOU make the first move or make it painfully obvious that you’ll accept an invitation.
My suggestion would be to drop a big hint, “I’m doing this… alone…” Then smile at him. “It’s just not as fun unless you’r with someone else…” If he still doesn’t get the hint. Give it a few days and if you must, ask him directly and make sure it’s something small, public, fun, and where the two of you can connect without any friendly distraction from your friends or his. Tell him you need to exchange numbers in case something goes wrong or if the plans fall apart. 🙂
Best of luck to you,
Pete
So he just refuses to do anything about his attraction. Lazy ass lol I mean I thought it was all an excuse but then again he’s the head of security too so I wasn’t entirely sure. Like he kinda runs the mall…he will talk to other girls and yet when he walks by me he ignores me and acts like I’m not even there now. He will only say hi to me when he absolutely has to. Yet he checks me out almost every time he sees me. Like dude grow some balls…the thing about it is from what I can tell he’s an Alpha too
Also, do you think it matters to him that he knows I am a mother as well? And I’m never fully by myself for that reason as well. I’m technically a single mother currently separated from my husband. I’m trying to slowly get back into the whole dating game but I never really have done the whole dating thing so I’m still trying to figure it all out.
I won’t lie Allison,
For some guy it does matter but for others it doesn’t. It’s really up to who he is and not something I can give you a definitive answer.
Thanks for this great article it helped a lot.. I just don’t understand how this boy named Caleb smiles and tells me hi and how I’m doing and sometimes out of nowhere he’ll just give me a smerk and I just sit there like OMG lol like I don’t know what to do! I know he likes me a lot but his parents told me he had a gf but he never brings her around and he’s always flirting with me and sometimes he makes me feel uncomfortable around him.. I just don’t know what to do.. Ugh!??
Hi Peter
There’s a guy who has been looking at me a while and I been looking back too. We engage through our eyes and that’s it. He’s said hi several times but doesn’t take it further. Do you think men have ego or male pride which prevents them from approaching, even if the girl seems open to it (as a cheery girl, who talks to just about anyone)? Is it all about man ego?
Tracie Bills
Hi Pete
Thanks for taking the time to explain things from a male point of view. Some of this stuff is very difficult for us folkz…
I am 30. Due to the traditional family I was raised in, I never dated or had sex. But I have had love affairs in my head with guys and I am slowly opening up to the thought of a relationship, even though losing my virginity scares me. I’ve been said to be very attractive, and that scares me more, because guys could want a short term thing and leave me hurting and blue… they all eventually hurt you, or you hurt yourself by liking them.
Anyways that’s another story for another day…
So there is a guy in the gym and we have been check in each other out for a long time. A very long time. His looks are intense and constant. Since I’ve never had sex I don’t know exactly what they mean, but I guess it could be attraction. The way he looks bothers me, he’s constantly on my mind.
Anyway this has been going on for more than a year.
A few months ago I started smiling at him because someone suggested I was closed off and unfriendly to guys (I do keep them at arms length, this is why I am single)… so he started saying hi.
I couldn’t take the intensity between us so I went overseas for a month, so 1 month no gym. When I came back he looked a bit curt for a while…
Then anyways slowly I got back into my routine. One day I saw him with a woman so I was curt to him after that for a while, she might have been his squeeze, if so why’d he state passionately at me… was he wanting to cheat on “his womane”
Anyways after that I kinda forgave him and smiled a bit at him again at another time. He has recently come to the gym… when I smiled he smiled and said hello. I was so shy, I said hi but I looked down…. he’s still staring. I feel like I’m gonna mess up, he’s about 7 or 8 years older. And yes. I know I’m old enough to handle this but just not mature in this area.
I feel strongly for this man but I am having trouble understanding his behaviour. Why stair for so long. And now why start saying hello. I don’t know his name… or what he does…
All I know is I have all these feelings inside me, and … is this the one, or am I making it up? Was the woman with him on the road his wife?
Really need advice from a friend.
Yours
Ananya
He was staring at you because men are hardwired to be horn dogs. Why do you think dirty magazines were so popular among men (and now there is internet porn for them)?
Hi Pete, sorry in advance for the long post! It’s a great blog you have here, I really enjoy reading your posts.
I need your help with dealing with a guy from my gym/dogo. This guy stares like no tomorrow, I usually ignore his gaze as I don’t want to give away my interest so obviously. He’d loiter around me, I can see him trying to engage me visually from across the room, but he won’t step it up from there. So then I began returning his gaze and seriously for 5 seconds we’d have unbroken eye contact, then he does this lip curl, smirky eye narrowing sexy thing which makes me melt. Then I have to look away bc my brain is about to explode. I’ve never experienced such a piercing gaze, I really can’t get him out of my head.I do try to inject a smile in their somewhere.
We’ve had deep conversations, and have exchanged light hearted banter (I tease him to death, yes I know, I’m immature, so what). He has sort of indirectly mentioned something about my “attractiveness” in a convoluted way i.e he told me he thinks that my sensei thinks I’m “hot”. He’ll stare at me for the hour long class, loiter around me and try to tease me, . He got so close to me the other week, I knew he’d be able to smell my perfume, which truly electrified me as I’m well aware that we have not actually touched yet. But it doesn’t go any further.
I’ve been a member for 7 months so I keep telling myself to get over it as he would have made a move by now if he was interested. (I’m a Rules Girl at heart, I can’t undo the brainwashing arghh) so it goes against nature for me, the woman, to create a situation, the guy must take the lead! Otherwise it’ll be too easy, right? So many girls go gaga over him, and I have witnessed the way he will give them a little attention, make their day, then proceed to ignore them completely for 2 weeks, then repeat the cycle. Two women in particular have become the gym joke with the guys as their interest is so obvious and sad to watch really. I don’t know if he likes playing little “got ya” games with women, where getting women to pursue him is the prize that validates him, after which he gets bored and onto the next conquest. Maybe that’s why he keeps at it with me, because I don’t give him the validation he’s come to expect from them. What do you think is up with this guy? Does he want me, is he just playing games, what can I do to get him to step it up? He is single, by the way. Sorry for the long post! Thanks in advance for any insight 🙂
P.S- (you can delete this bit before publishing if you like) I hope my email isn’t published with the post! can you please delete it if it does? Thank-you again!
Thanks for a great article… This provides a lot of insight and was very helpful. I do have a situation which is beyond weird and I was hoping to get your perspective.. Keep in mind that this has been going on for over a year and I am talking about a grown man in his 30s who does the following weird behavior:
-Staring… A lot. Stops whatever he’s doing and stares at my face, doesn’t smile, doesn’t look away, doesn’t seem to care if I see him staring … Looks like he’s in a trance or something… Kinda of a creep stare ..
– lurking around… He’s everywhere and doing the creep stare. It’s not coincidence he’s always around because on more than one occasion, I caught his friend going to go get him everytime I was around. I decided to see what was up so one day when he was in close proximity and staring, I stared right back at him, held his gaze for 10 or 15 seconds and creeped myself out so I turned around and walked off. He then followed me into the stairwell and up to my floor, but he didn’t follow any further past the door to the stairs… Now it gets weirder..
– After that, he was still lurking around but everytime I saw him he would look down or away… He also gave off some tension that made me uncomfortable. I tried a few times to say “hey how ya doing?” And he would barely look at me, mutter some unclear answer and scurry off… Basically acted like a prick… He still kept coming around though but would look down and away when he got close. It was all uncomfortable so when I saw him coming my way, I would simply leave the area.
– A couple of times he actually said “hi” to me… He could barely look at me, his face was red as a tomato, and he looked all sheepish… I was always friendly back and he seemed kinda happy even though he scurried off rather quickly… He did also revert to the ignoring behavior and it got weird again so I would leave the area when I saw him coming.
– at one point he “disappeared” and I figured maybe he found someone else to bug until I ran into him and he gave me an angry look and stomped off… So it appears he was deliberately avoiding me… Alrighty then! This went on maybe a month and then…
– He was back… Every single day with all his friends in tow (safety in numbers?) … Now they act extremely loud and obnoxious and instead of looking down they all looking at me… Again a little weird..
– his work in my building is done so he’s not around anymore and I will probably never see him again.. Some of his friends are still there and around alot and chat with me occasionally.
What I can’t get my head around is why on earth would somebody spend over a year doing all the weird stuff above and never ever take a normal step to get to know someone? It seems like such a waste. What do you think was going on in his head? Was he genuinely attracted or was I just eye candy or wank material? Maybe I look like his mother? It seems like an awful lot of drama to not make a normal effort. Also why are his friends chatting me up now! Isn’t that against some kind of bro code? Thanks in advance for your insight! Best!
Hello Kate,
This may be weird to you but that’s probably just because it hasn’t happened to you before at such a degree.
The facts remain the same – Some men are literally scared shitless around women they are attracted to.
The “angry” look is usually because they’re angry with themselves and not you for not having the balls to do something. As time passes they feel they’ve missed any opportunity and seclude themselves.
When it appeared that he was ignoring you he was just trying to hide from you because he probably realized he’s creeped you out and is embarrassed by all this staring.
This man was “sort of” having a love affair inside his head with you. Yes, you did become wank-off material at some point only furthering his embarrassment and feelings of guilt or kicking himself for not even saying “hello.”
You see some men cross a point of no return. This happens when they believe they screwed it all up so bad you’ll only ever see him as some creepy dude and you would never give them a real chance.
Some days they’ll feel ballsy and soak in your beauty or revel in their attraction. Some days they feel guilty for all the staring. Some days they get luck to involve their friends and perhaps even make up some shitty ass story pretending why they would’ve turned you down anyways.
I know – the nerve of some guys.
Chances are – his friends know how he is and when he’s gone are more than happy to chat you up.
No, there is no “bro-code” to stop them from talking to you. Apparently they’re all a little less drawn back by the whole affair.
The only other explanation – although I still stand by what I’ve wrote is a little off the beaten path but wouldn’t you know it – I have a hell of an imagination…
He worked in your building? Was there a chance he could’ve seen you from your window doing something like changing, having sex, anything like that would cause some pretty strange reactions from him? 🙂
I highly doubt that happened but I must cover everything… Haha!
Thanks for asking Kate and YES, some men do actually become so distraught, confused, embarrassed, angry with themselves, act very weird because socially, when it comes to meeting a woman – they not only take it all way too seriously – the fear of the approach or even just a small interaction scares the living hell out of them.
Hope this all helps you Kate and the best to you too,
Pete
Thanks for answering Pete! You explained it all really well. I don’t understand why anyone would make the effort to come by to see someone everyday for over a year and not ever at least talk to them…But hey, I guess I am just a more results-oriented person!
I can assure you he never saw me having sex and the only way he could have seen me changing is if he was deliberately peeping in the ladies room. The only ‘inappropriate ‘ thing he may have seen was some dude hitting on me big time and I was receptive (dude was hot!) but this occurred after he was lurking around for months already so it wasn’t the cause of the weirdness.. Though come to think about it, this happened around the same time as his ‘disappearing act’ so maybe that had something to do with it?
He doesn’t work there anymore and I haven’t seen him for quite awhile… Since it appears he hasn’t made any attempt for contact outside of the workplace, I am presuming he has ‘moved on.’ I hope he at least enjoyed the wank material!! Haha!
It could ( the hot guy hitting on you and you being receptive ) cause some guys to go off the deep end.
For example – Let’s assume he’s been dreaming about asking you out – going over and over it again in his mind – now he’s thinking you’re different, special, a purely romantic of kind of girl.
All this time he’s building you up in his head as the end all and be all of his existence as a man. And then he sees you being receptive to some “hot” guy who is obviously hitting on you.
Unfortunately, the more he built you up, the higher he put you on a pedestal, it all comes crashing down as he judges you for being just like all the other girls even though deep down – he knows what is really going on.
I doubt he’s moved on so quickly – men keep things around for a long, long, long time.
Visually though, to be honest, it’s really hard to use a “lasting” image as you called it, “wank-off material”. Strange as it sounds we move on quicker from image to image and are always looking for the next best “wank-up material” but never really find it – because the rush is gone.
This movie did a pretty good job at explaining it…
Don Jon – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2229499/
Men ( generally speaking ) keep everything and anything for a long time, from boxers to cars to old wallets and yes even feelings for women.
So I’m sure he enjoyed his “time” with you and won’t forget any time soon.
Especially if you became that intimate in his mind or hand or whatever his preferred method is.
You’re welcome and just for the record everybody – NO, I was NOT the hot dude who was hitting on hurt her. Hahaha!
Pete
Thanks Pete! You are great at explaining this stuff. You should write a book!
I feel bad now for thinking he was weird! If I ever see him again (or any guy that might have those issues), I am sending them to you for coaching!
Guys with those issues are doing themselves a great disservice by acting that way… And they are also doing the women they are interested in a disservice as well by building them up so big because nobody is that perfect and she will surely fall short of his expectations! Which is why he needs to put the fear aside and just talk to her already so he can get to know her!
Hi Peter,
I found your site incidentally through a google search regarding my “crush” and his behaviour…I value your insight :). Now that I’ve buttered you up ;), can you please give me some one-on-one advice?
I’ll try to sum it up. I work in healthcare and am covering a mat leave for 2 half days a week at one clinic. (The perfect opportunity to flirt with a coworker). I work one-on-one with clients in my office; he works in the main clinic area, where the beds are, etc. We both are usually back to back with clients, so there is little time to talk and there is little overlap between our jobs. We seem to be stuck in the “Hello” and lingering eyes stage that you describe above. He always says an enthusiastic hello to me first, usually as I rush past his working area to the waiting room to get my next client, while he is working with a client (He must have good peripheral vision!).
I didn’t think much of it until in early February I overheard him saying he broke up with his gf (I gather some time in the new year). That same day, he came into my office like 4-5x for ridiculous things (e.g., to answer a work e-mail I sent him to which he never replied, to borrow the cordless phone, to check if it was there again, and then to return it). Btw, he never comes into my office. And for the first time, he seemed nervous while talking to me.
Otherwise, he seems like a confidant, outgoing guy. Before he left for a 1 week vacation at the beginning of March, it was obvious he waited until I was done talking to a coworker, to walk up to me, make googly eyes, and then wave bye to me. He is also super catering to me and helpful, sometimes dropping something he is working on to help me when he overhears me asking another coworker for help (I didn’t ask him because he was with a client).
So, how can I move this along? Last week, I ventured into his area and quasi made up an excuse to talk to him — I asked his opinion on a mutual client. All the body language is there — smiling big, turning his body to me, giving me his full attention, etc. Yet I am expecting more action on his part. Why can’t he make more excuses to talk to me or get the phone from my office? I oscillate between I should talk/flirt with him more to encourage him, and he’s not stepping up because “he’s just not that into me”.
PS – I forgot to mention that I am fairly shy and somewhat nervous around him. Sometimes I am able to return his lingering gaze; other times, I look down frequently and up again as he is fairly handsome but I don’t want to come across as a creeper.
Hi V,
Well… I suppose I can try since you did butter me up, you’re looking for some one-on-one advice. 😉 and Google recommended me…
From my point of view I highly doubt he’s not that into you. Most women are highly intuitive so I trust what you’re sensing is as real as how you see it. The signs are always there.
Especially the “waiting for you to say goodbye before he left for vacation” and the overly enthusiastic offering to help you. Both are very good signs he’s feeling “it” for you.
I must warn you though, some guys are terrible at getting your hints or reading between your lines. Why is not important for now. Also I know lots of guys who, when it comes to any kind of long-term work environment feel it might not be acceptable to grab a number and start dating.
Which of course makes it difficult for them to “move things along.”
For this reason I suggest you first – stay away from conversations which are mainly about work. People at work who talk about their jobs become better job associates and rarely more, if you know what I mean.
You don’t want to start meaningful conversations so keep it light and fun. Steer it towards something you like doing outside of work. The idea is to share small “examples” so you can possibly find a common ground of things you can do together.
If you must, and this works quite well, start a flirty adventure that couldn’t possibly happen but is a little secret you both are only privy to. The concept is that when two people share “secrets” they begin to bond and both usually assumes it means they are connected in a way “others” are not. That also clues him on that you are treating him differently but in a good way.
Remember you need to connect with him on a level which goes beyond work habits, share some secrets (fun fantasies) and this can easily lead to seeing each other outside of work because work is getting in the way of your fun together.
I think that is key here so I’ll say it again: Finding common flirty fun and sharing a “secret” connection to the point where work seems to get in the way of the fun.
That should give you lots of options to use your imagination.
If it doesn’t, you could always try buttering him up, tell him you value his insight, and then accuse him of not calling you on a day off when he supposed to. (Of course he couldn’t because he doesn’t have your number which means you must exchange numbers so it doesn’t happen again. Hmmph!!)
Don’t sweat being nervous an shy. Guys like the cute shy nervous girl routine anyways. 😀 Don’t worry about looking away. A real guy knows what that means. Don’t worry how handsome you think he is and how you like to “check him out,” just smile when he catches you and feel free to blush a little.
Best to you V, hope that helps move things along for you,
Pete
You’re probably not giving any real discernible indication that you like him at all and he really likes you. Guys have a very hard time picking up on it when a woman is interested and unless you give some real clear signs he won’t be able to tell. Most women think they’re giving signs, but they aren’t clear enough for men to read. Since your demeanor toward him reveals nothing about your interest level he is nervous about asking you out or making a move. He probably can’t even tell that you’re nervous around him or he is mistaking your nervousness and shyness for disinterest. No guy wants to embarrassingly ask some coworker out who doesn’t seem interested and then have to get rejected and then have to see them over and over and over again at work.. Some obvious signs would be smiling more, laughing at anything he says, obvious prolonged eye contact, seeming excited to see him, being extra nice and enthusiastic when you talk to him.
The problem for us men is that a lot of times there is virtually no difference in behavior between a girl who likes us and a girl who doesn’t like us. I think this happens because women are always trying to hide their interest level. They won’t show clear signs that they’re interested. This gives men no incentive to take the risk of making a move on you. Women are always trying to play it cool.. Don’t play it cool. All it does is drive men away and make them think you’re not interested. Just my two cents.