"My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 years, dating for 4. We went from a very, very active sex life down to just one day a week. No foreplay, no mouth kissing, just sex. He is if anything not predictable, except in this area.
He is a very sexual person and watches porn SEVERAL times a day. But only Sunday morning sex. I initiate, ask if he wants a blow job and he tells me he's too tired.
During the day he calls me beautiful, sexy a hottie and I get so mad. If I'm all these things why won't he have sex with me? I know he's not cheating and I'm pretty sure he doesn't jack off when watching the porn.
Please help!"
It's terribly unfortunate and tough to suffer through a dwindling sex life in a relationship. But no worries, it's a common problem which can be solved.
As couples settle in and sometimes down, the initial chemistry and spark you once shared can be extremely difficult to maintain.
Rather than give you a "prescription" answer to your problem, I'll help you by sharing some man secrets on this subject you might be overlooking. Hence the term... Why Do Guys...?
#1 - How open are the discussions about your sex life with him?
I do see this problem a lot. Men and women are just too scared to talk about sex with their partners. Problems like his might be avoided with some candid often revealing communication.
They're scared because they don't want to offend their partner or make them feel like they're not good enough.
My advice to you then would be to open up "skillfully" with him about how you're feeling and how all his watching porn is affecting you.
Most guys are fine with it as long as you don't start with a negative attitude or statement.
Be as positive as you can be.
Who knows, maybe there's a way you can play a part in all this watching as in offering to watch a little with him.
Other than that - approach the topic in a different way than just offering a blow job or quietly sulking in the background.
Men do like it when a woman they're in a long-term relationship to initiate sex, but not too often because - men need to feel like the pursuer and seducer.
This means opening frank discussions with him without making him feel like a loser in bed could bring out the real reason he's pulling away and resorting to porn.
If you're serious about learning how to communicate to a man which will bring him closer and more open to you, you can get the full course right here from a master in bringing the fire back in any relationship:
#2 - My gut instinct is telling me that he might be having testosterone problems.
This often happens to lots of guys especially as they get older.
It could be his diet, a lack of exercise, problems at work, stress, alcohol usage, or just an imbalance or lack of free testosterone due to a little bit of everything listed.
When guys fail or lose... their testosterone falls.
When they eat the wrong things for long periods of time... their testosterone drops.
When that happens they get overly tired and become less capable or willing to have sex.
He might be watching because he's trying to drive up his testosterone and and hence, his sexual drive but doesn't even know that's why he's doing it.
A few experiments have shown that a man's testosterone increases after watching porn and can be used as a hormone replacement therapy for men who are experiencing what the famous "love" doctor Helen Fisher quoted as a "captivity situation".
"Such findings, along with work that shows family life to be a drain on testosterone levels, prompted Rutgers University sex researcher Helen Fisher to advise this month that males in the "captivity situation"-her term for married with kids-"go on the Internet and look at porn" as a kind of hormone-replacement therapy. "[Porn] drives up dopamine levels, which drives up your testosterone," she tells NEWSWEEK, while kissing your wife or hugging your kids drives it down."
Since you didn't mention his lifestyle, I'll ask you to look into it to help you decide if this is the problem.
Age, diet, exercise, and over health are generally the major contributors and detractors of a man's testosterone levels.
The good news is you can safely raise his testosterone naturally and I wouldn't suggest any hormonal replacement therapy because from what I've researched, when testosterone is introduced into the body, it may offer temporary relief but it will also encourage the body to not make any more.
So long-term success is limited and often harmful.
Take a look at these natural strategies:
8 Proven Ways to Increase Testosterone Levels Naturally
#3 - The long-term relationship blues.
Things do go stale. The same old same old (even if it's exciting) can bore some men into not trying too much anymore.
Often we become too complacent as the thrill wears off and are in constant need of something a little different.
You can try different things. Different places. Pictures sent to his phone. Anything which is different and explores all aspects of your sexual relationship together.
Here's a great book to help you explore a missed secret to getting intimately closer again:
500 Intimate Questions For Couples
Also, these two posts gives you some sensible and easy tips to begin the process of bringing the sexual spark back in your relationship.
10 Tips For A Happy Relationship
How To Save Your Relationship With These Six Essential Steps
They were written by Brian Robbens who put this video up:
Click to Watch - How To Make Your Partner Want To Be More Passionate and Romantic Towards You
Please remember you're not alone. Relationships have their ups and downs. Sometimes the downs don't necessarily mean a larger problem.
#4 - The reversal problem.
This is something many women miss and don't understand. Maybe because I gave it a bad name.
You see, you feel him pulling back so you try to offer him something which you thought would please him.
And it doesn't or didn't work, right?
That's because sex to lots of guys is all about pleasing the WOMAN.
Whereas you might see him losing interest in you could actually be him having the feeling he's not pleasing YOU. Which is constantly perpetuated as time goes on.
He begins to feel like he's not good enough which makes him pull back, and once he is pressured from you and himself to perform more - the problem compounds itself in a drastic circle.
MEN LIVE to give their woman the most incredible mind blowing orgasm every single time.
Yet we both know that's impossible and not always necessary. It's nice but let's be honest - it's not going to happen.
Sometimes all it takes is one bad sexual night or one night where he might have caught you faking or didn't believe what he was doing was working anymore and BAM... so starts the spiraling negative feelings.
When guys fail or lose... their testosterone falls. Which includes sex with a woman. And when that happens, their sexual drive, energy, and confidence drops too.
When a woman senses he's feeling off, she tries to please and arouse, therefore trying harder to make IT happen.
It feels like the right thing to do and sometimes it does work but, mostly it only makes him feel worse because he begins to feel like a failure - which in turn lowers his drive and testosterone.
What also happens in the "reversal" problem is many men believe the woman is only pushing it more because SHE is unsatisfied, or is less satisfied than she was when the relationship was all sparks and chemistry.
Thus the cycle continues and without the right communication to get through these "touchy" situations, the feelings get buried deep and come out in often strange ways.
Here's the link again to learn communication skills needed to get through and the big and small problems most relationship suffer through at some point:
#5 - Everything above.
Most likely it's a combination of one through four.
A Lack of real communication on both of your sexual desires, wants, needs and fulfillment.
A slightly lowered testosterone due to one of several reasons such as: Diet, exercise, health, feelings of failure, and inability to please.
A dip in the relationship. Relationships have their ups and downs, if we don't learn how to communicate and work through them in a positive way, the feelings get pushed down making them come out in often destructive ways.
He could be bored and not feeling good about it. This would make him feel selfish and ashamed because he feels it's not fair to you.
He might not feel like he's actually pleasing you enough or in the way he used to.
All making a seemingly impossible cycle to break out of.
In conclusion...
When a man seems to be doing the right things, supporting you, showering you with genuine compliments about how he feels about you, being attractively unpredictable, etc... But seems to wavering on his sexual appetite, try not to take it too personal.
Chances are - it's personal for him, and that's the most likely place to start looking for the reason, and the solution too.
Your sole responsibility at this point is to open up frank and honest communication so you can get the bottom of it in a way which brings you closer and not tears you apart.
That goes for EVERY woman having a problem similar to this one.
As for your personal situation I can say this:
His being overly complimentary about your looks and meaning to him, his watching porn and not masturbating, his reluctance to accept a blow job from you, the fact that your sex life has all but disappeared and seems to be more mechanical than loving...
Points to everything I've written today with a high chance of percentage being his testosterone levels mixed with his circle of despair of not feeling capable to please you in the want every man NEEDS to feel like a man.
Some closely related posts everyone should definitely read:
- Does Your Man Watch Porn? Should You Worry? Is It Good For The Relationship
- How NOT To Communicate To A Guy You’re In Relationship With When You Feel He’s Changed
- Why Guys Watch Women Have Sex Even If They’re In A Happy Relationship?
- Communication Mistakes That Kill Passion & What His Silence Doesn't Mean
- Phrases That Kill Intimacy - The Communication Mistake Of Not Listening
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