Why is it when a guy is into you, shows every sign he likes you, but the next time he sees you it’s like you don’t even exist?
He acts a little distant. Barely listens to a word you say.
You want to ask him what’s wrong but it’s not like you’re dating or anything. You’re not in a relationship. You’re still getting to know each other…
But for some reason he’s making you feel you did something wrong and this passive aggressive attitude he’s displaying is making you wonder why you’re even bothering with him at all.
I was totally into this “chic” once. She was the type who lots of guys chase. You could take one look at her and instantly assume she could have any guy she wanted.
If you don’t know about how much attraction controls men I can tell you it’s not too easy to shrug off. It makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It makes you almost want to give everything you got – in the hopes the attraction would be returned.
The way I see it – as a man who’s studied this stuff – us guys actually “suffer” from attraction because if we follow it and listen to it, it only seems to do just the opposite to the woman we’re madly falling for. It’s like when we go blindly into in it causes us to push any highly sought out woman away.
Well let me tell you this girl had me hooked. Literally every curve on her body mesmerized me. Her face was flawless and her eyes, the way they lit up when she saw me… got me scared.
I was terrified I was going to screw it up.
So here’s this guy – not the greatest “ladies man” in the world at the time, hasn’t had much success with very attractive women, and feeling it like there’s no tomorrow.
Feeling the peak of attraction I gave it all despite all my fears.
Tried to make her laugh. Tried to find a connection with her. Tried to be “all that a man could be” because I was “suffering” from a lowered self-esteem just being around her.
Just so you know, it felt like it worked. She was returning the flirts and playing right back with me. The chemistry was increasing and so was the sexual tension. Despite the fact as our interaction continued so did my self-confidence because she was just that cool to be around.
Now you would think I would’ve been smart enough to run with it. To “do my thing” and keep it up. You would think, because it only makes sense, I’d be all her into her when we met again.
But it wasn’t like that at all.
There was more people around. More guys there to flirt with her. Suddenly every available “stud” was taking over where I had left off and I just knew it was a losing battle.
Here I am, now watching other guys be all into her and I got a glimpse into the future.
We’d talk a little. Get to know each other better. A few weeks or maybe a month would pass and we would grow closer.
And I’ve been through that before. What happened was more predictable than the sunrise.
While I was “doing all the work” she was dating some other guy and kissing him on the first date. since I was “being nice” and spent way too much time waiting for the moment to happen, and didn’t know how to make it happen naturally…
I was waiting for HER to make a move on me.
To men – that’s the ultimate sign a girl is into them. As in when she makes a move on him.
Remember that because “making a move” to some men is a lot more than just going for a kiss.
You see this seemingly innocent “passive aggressive” method is just another way to get YOU to prove how much you like us.
If we ignore you and you seek us out – our confidence goes up and we believe you’re feeling it just as much as we are.
If we keep away and act aloof or distant it’s a test.
We definitely want to feel in control of our attraction and if we can stay away long enough, it gives us time to think about how to handle it and stop our attraction from pushing you away. After all every guy understands (even though he act differently) every woman he chases just seems to run away quicker.
We’re testing our restraint but more than that we’re testing YOU because some guys, like I was, need to feel like you’re into us just as much as the guy you kissed so much quicker than us.
When we predict our future with you and we only see what some other woman did to us, our anger turns passive and we want to make sure THIS TIME it’s going to be different.
This time I won’t chase her because she’s too hot. This time I won’t be the guy who kisses her ass “hoping” she’ll like us back.
This time I will do anything and everything I know to make sure I make her prove how much she likes me. Even if it means ignoring you and acting like I couldn’t care less about her.
Thus satisfying the fragile “Ego” and it’s thirst for validation.
Okay, so you met a guy who seemed into you and you even “liked” him back. And the next time you’re together it feel like you don’t exist anymore.
Don’t let him fool you – he just wants to know you’re going to meet him half way. Or maybe the whole way. He is probably worried too much spent watching for your signals or he just doesn’t understand how all this attraction thing really works.
Is he playing you on purpose?
Some are. I won’t lie.
Did you do something to push him away?
Well obviously there’s a chance that DID happen.
Is there a chance he doesn’t even notice it’s happening?
Of course. Some guys just don’t pay attention to this kind of stuff as much as others.
Yet, generally speaking, you can consider it giving you space. He’s trying to show you he’s not needy. He doesn’t want to screw it up. He wants you to prove to him you’re not going to treat him like a “dear friend” three weeks down the road.
Men are not always obvious when their attraction for you is driving them crazy.
If a guy likes you one minute and is ignoring you the next – all things considered it just he means he “really really really” likes you! 
{ 59 comments… add one }
This makes perfect sense. When I first met this guy he was so into me, and I was into him also. But after a few days I found myself with him in a group of him & some other guys and I could barely get him to speak to me. Maybe He felt i was flirting with the other guys, who knows? I’m going to try to talk to him now that I understand that it doesn’t mean he hates me or anything. Crossed fingers!
Sounds great Rose…. I’m pulling for you.
Thanks. I really needed to read this right now.
Hi Peter, I’m 32 & never been in any relationship before. So I’m quite desperate right now to b in a relationship!i like this guy at work. We never spoken/interact to each other but now we do after attending a training class conducted by him.Now we would say “hi” or smile whenever we bump into each other. He remembers my name too.So It’s a good start for a shy person like me. I usually mess things up cause I’m too shy & nervous to interact to my crush.I mean not even a smile with a “hi”!i would always look glum n serious. So just when I thought Im doing well,today he suddenly ignores me when he walks into our group of 3 where I’m just a few steps away.well I’m volunteering to do some project stuff with his team so he just dropped by to see how we are doing!so i thought since we knew each other,he would definitely greet me and thank me probably.But he din n I’m confused!i was looking at him,waiting for him to look at me hoping to smile but he looks like he’s avoiding any eye contact with me!i was stunned n dunno what to do.i know I shud hv just blend in to d group n ask silly questions but I was really clueless.So I keep doing my work until he walked away. Regardless of whether he likes me back or not,it just seems strange dat he never did d usual greeting for a very normal situation like dat!So I search d web n found your article!Do u think he’s giving me a “TEST” n waiting for me to make a move?if yes did i miss d chance to tell him dat i like him too?or I read too much into things?i mean he probably hv a good memories remembering my name n being polite?pls help me to analyze it!!!!!i just felt dat I’m running out of time n candidates!someone might grab him before me!!!Thanks!
Hi, This was some great insight! I really enjoyed reading it. But I was wondering, what do you make of this situation?
This guy and I have been ‘seeing’ each other for a month or two. We kiss, hold hands, do couple like things but honestly I don’t know whether we are dating or just casually getting to know each other. I think it’s the latter. He said he likes me ‘A LOT’ and then I told him that the feeling was mutual.
He sends me romantic, messages and kisses and all that when suddenly he just drops off from the grid. He doesn’t message me or call me or anything (for three days, which is quite odd for him to do). So I took the initiative and messaged him instead and everything went back to normal.. He keeps saying that he misses me and I tell him I do too and we should ‘catch up’. He agrees but it never goes beyond that, we never really set sold plans. I can tell he is frustrated with not being able to see each other, but does nothing about it. and when I give him an opportunity to confirm plans, he says ‘I’ll have to check’ or something along those lines.
He calls me ‘babe’ and says cute romantic things. and the one day he texts me and says ‘Love you’. Of cause I didn’t know how to respond so I played it cool.
But suddenly, very recently, he stopped messaging me like he used to. He doesn’t message me much at all. Even when he does message me it’s just pictures or some random things. which isn’t bad. But there isn’t conversation like there used to be. He’s acting all uninterested. I tried to initiate a conversation but he sometimes doesn’t respond. Then out of no where he’ll start calling me ‘babe’ and telling me that he misses me ‘so much’ and then he’ll go back to just sending me pictures on text, fb and snapchat. (I do reply to these but he doesn’t comment back, which I understand) Him ignoring me is so frustrating. He is also good friends with his recent ex and I find that slightly strange.
Anyway…. I don’t know what to do.
I want to ask him what’s going on, but at the same time I don’t want to seen crazy and clingy.
So what do you think I should do?
What’s your advice?
Well hello Niki,
I read and re-read what you wrote, trying to make sense of it all for you. One thing finally stood out,
“He calls me ‘babe’ and says cute romantic things. and the one day he texts me and says ‘Love you’. Of cause I didn’t know how to respond so I played it cool.”
Before, who knows. Maybe both of you were trying not to be too clingy or he may even started to contact you a thousand times but never followed through with it because he didn’t want to ruin it by saying the wrong thing. Men constantly do those sort of things.
But after – you have a smoking gun. He uttered the word “love” to you and you played it cool. *Probably the smart thing to do. After all you’re both just starting out.*
Yet from a male’s perspective when we don’t hear it back it screams “Rejected!”
Yeah so maybe he’s also screwing around with his ex and doesn’t want her to see too much. Maybe he’s a little flaky. Maybe he felt you were moving too quickly so he backed off – only then realizing he DOES have feeling for you.
Unfortunately I don’t have all those answers for you.
Yet I DO know it’s apparent he likes to be chased. Lots of men do . It makes us feel like “MEN” (some chest pounding there btw )and he is keeping you just far enough away to keep you guessing. (Whether it’s on purpose I don’t know him or your situation well enough.)
Remember – (We) teach guys not to ignore, but that if you can get her “into” you and turn up her frustration just a little bit, you can get her addicted and constantly thinking about you. We both know that can be done respectfully and properly, or it can achieved by devious means. Depends on the man’s character how he will act.
Ask yourself this – Without that frustration, would you even care that much about why he was acting this way? Probably not.
My advice is – if he’s not responding in the way you want him to, you can “tackle” the next guy a little differently AND as for him…. turn the table around. Find a way to accuse him of liking you (in a funny way. )
You don’t have to ask him what’s going on, you only must respect you have the “ability” to attract him and if he’s not following through timely enough – that’s an area he needs to get a handle on, if he’s to further your relationship.
You don’t do it that by prodding him for info. You know that. You do that by putting enough men in your life as potential relationship opportunities that your social life can handle.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a guy who follows through and if it means comparing him to other men in your life and seeing who rises to the top.
From what you wrote I don’t see any potentially harmful mistakes you’ve made. I realize I don’t have the entire picture but if you were giving every sign you pushed him away. I’d tell you.
Just wanted you to keep that in mind Niki and please feel free to get back to me.
Hi Peter ~ I have a situation, sort of. I have been flirting with this guy mostly via text for about a week or so. At first, he would text me sweet things (“How is your dad” since he’s not well) and I would text back sweet things. He did this for a couple of hours a day for the first few days and then say he was going to bed, which I found was odd. If he liked me and the conversation, why cut it off, but guys are guys. I know better than to text him all the time and would wait for his contact. I know he likes me or did. The last two nights of this ordeal he text first and I responded but the convo was off to me and odd. So one morning he replied to my late night reply to his text. I sent a response then nothing from him. Nothing the next morning so I sent him a pic I thought would make him laugh in the afternoon. He read it and still nothing. Now this guy downloaded the entire album of a band I said I loved and seemed sincere. I know it has only been a week and didn’t want to hound him so I sent him a text saying that I sense something is off with us and I was gonna give him space but I was here to chat. He immediately text back that my senses were right (in a funny manner) because he’s been working a lot, etc., and sent me a pic of him looking worn out (odd) then asked if I was getting possessive already! I was like WHOA! I asked what he was talking about and said nothing was going on and I didn’t want him to feel he had to text me because we have our own lives and called him Butthead and added “lololol” then said I had to go because I was updating my match.com profile lololol and sent a pic of me giving him the finger and said he was too funny because his reaction made me laugh it was so absurd. He right away responded with “that should be your profile pic and underneath is should say that (his name) is the best and no one can compete. It was funny but I didn’t answer so ten minutes later he said he didn’t feel well from working the sun and ttyl with a smiley face. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I’ve never encountered this before and I’m 41! He’s the same age and very good-looking, never been married, no kids like me, and I’m sure not hurting for women’s attention so what gives? Thanks for your advice! I need a guy’s take on this one.
Hi , I’ve recently come out of 6 years relationship and found out I’m pregnant. I recieved an inbox by an ex , which exchanged numbers and was texting he was telling me how much he still likes me and wants to be with me I told him I’ve just come out of relationship and was pregnant and he said I’m not bothered if ur pregnant doesn’t mean I don’t like you. He said he wished he stayed with me and wants to get with me and he’ll treat me like a princess , but itold him I don’t wanna be treated like sh*t , and he said he wouldn’t do that. We met up and we got on , but I asked him if he was in a relationship with it saying he is on facebook. We’ve been texting and he sent me some nice texts and he said he loves me he always has , soon as I mentioned facebook he said just leave it I cba , and he’s ignored my texts , was he playing me all along? Please give me some advice I really do like him x
Ouch Ash, tough situation for you.
Coming from, you know, not just a guy but a caring person.
This is NOT the time to have a man enter your life. Whether he’s from the past or the present.
I understand if you’re going at it alone. How tough it’s going to be. But I fear your “hormones” will dictate your next relationship and not your heart and mind.
Regardless of the men in your life I don’t know – your entire focus should be on YOU and everything you’re going to experience. Preparation is key here because you will be a mother forever.
Okay c’mere and I’ll whisper this to you – words are great – but actions are better! People rarely ever do change and they rarely re-enter your life at that perfect time after they’ve changed…
Meaning – at a very pivotal time in your life, here comes an old ex willing to “take care of everything” better than he could before – hmmm – yeah – danger!
If he says who he is AND if things have changed – you keep him just far enough away to VERY SLOWLY prove through action that his resolve is true.
And you keep it that way until you have absolutely no doubt in your mind it’s real.
-Pete
hello .please help me .i have a similar situation too.two weeks ago i went out with a couple of friends.in the club my friends met some other friends and we just stayed together that night.one of the guys was so cute(i have seen him before on facebook,but he didn’t know me).i introduced myself and most of the time he didn’t seem to notice i was there.suddenly,he grabbed my hand and then we danced together.i was in shock.no one was expecting that.then i sat on a couch and he followed.he grabbed my hand again and he didn’t say a word.he wasn’t even looking at me.when the party was over we said goodbye,he kissed me on the cheeks and that was it.when i got home i checked my facebook account and i saw he had sent me a friend request.after a few days i joined him and my friends for a walk in the park.he didn’t make a single move.i tried to seem very available,i was smiling,trying to make eye contact.he just stared a little.then i tried to talk to him on facebook.he was replying very slow,and he was talking to me like to a friend.after a few days we went to the club again.in the first part of the night he practically ignored me,until he grabbed my hand again and invited me to dance.then just like deja vu,in the same club as the first time ,we were holding hands and dancing together pretty close.we almost hugged at some point.then i went to sit down on an armchair and he came to look for me after a minute.he held my hand again and we talked about random things.since that night i have tried to talk to him,but he talks about all sorts of things,but what happened that night.i don’t know what to believe.is he into me or not?i am always smiling,looking at him,flirting.why isn’t he telling me what was that all about?please respond.i have no clue what is he thinking
Morning Lola,
I see a couple different scenarios.
1. He’s gay.
2. He’s trying to make another woman jealous.
3. He’s waiting for YOU to ask him out or to do something else.
4. He’s well trained in attraction
I’m not sold on how “into you” he is either but… His actions are saying yes.
He’s getting close. He’s not acting needy. He’s breaking the physical barrier.
He’s basically doing what I(we) teach guys to do. Which is a good thing, right?
Sometimes Lola the “not having a clue” is the attraction you’re feeling for him. You just have to go with it, as always keep those options open, and maintain your fun flirty status with him.
I’m positive before you even know it – he’ll have no choice but to reveal his intentions.
The trick for you then is to start making it a little more difficult for him to be the sole person in charge. When he says jump (or dance) or talk, then you challenge him just a little more to work for that privilege.
If he steps up – you’re golden.
Please stop by again and fill us all in.
Thanks for asking
Pete
So I’m new to dating and a bit niave to things. I just need to know of its all me or him testing me.
I met this guy online and we chatting via the website for a week or two before he asked me for my number. He seem very into me and would always say he wanted to meet me. We live in different cities about 40mins away.I really wanted to meet him also but I wanted to build some trust before I went to a city to meet him. You have to be careful with phone ppl. So I would tell him that one day we would but its gonna take some time because we both don’t have cars. we would talk like almost everyday wether phone or text. Then I notice he was very bzy or pre-occupied so I tried not to bother him to much. He texted me randomly after not hearing from him for a few days that his friend was willing to come to my city, but the catch was that my friend(who he saw in pick with me on Facebook) would have to be interested in meeting his friend that was giving him a ride. I felt weird about it and I could tell he knew that even though I said I didn’t mind that I wasnt to comfortable. But I wanted to see him so I agreed. Once I asked her, she declined. He didn’t seem upset that she said no or down for not getting to see me. After that I notice he seem to hit me up lesser and short in texts. I asked him if everything was ok. He said everything was fine. I felt myself chasing him and I didn’t like that. So I sent him message after a few days of him texting me hrs upon he’s later that I felt like I need to give our situation some space. I felt distracted because all I could do was think of him and if I did something to turn him off. I told him found him attractive and seemed like a awesome guy
but I just needed some time.
He responed as if I was cutting him off and that we could still text from time to time. I agreed its just I want him do know where I was coming from. I just wanted to think about him and my intentions and his. Also because I really liked him I wanted to take the time to see if I truly liked
him or just lust/infatuation. He agreed or I assumed he understood. We would text and there but I noticed he was very short with me never asked me anything like he was afraid to say something that would make me think negative about him. its been 3 Weeks that I’ve been trying to chat over the phone and deeper talks when texting. He doesn’t ask me anything other than how I’m doing. Is I don’t text him then he doesnt initiate anything. He tells me I’m not pestering him. I told him I noticed he’s pulled back and he just responds “ok”. lol I tried giving his more,space but id get annoyed that he would ignore me so I text him. One time I let 4 days past and he seem really eager to talk to me and actually wire be back in a timely manner. He said he would text me later and of course no response for a.d. few days when I text 2p.m. He responds 12a. (its his day off) by then I’m asleep sometimes and he knows that. but I was up and responded then respond 40mins later. That he will talk to me the next day. and again no contact.
I finally got fed up and asked him what the deal was? Was he interested or not? If this was him testing me or if he just wants to be friends and nothing more…so far its been a few hrs and no response.
Make sense of this for me please!
You sound sweet – Sweetsaint so I’m just going to come out and say it – sounds like he was looking for a quick “hookup.”
Now I understand how as guys, we do fear getting in a solely internet relationship. So the meeting part is essential for progression.
And yes sometimes it’s cool to involve others and meet up in a public place. In fact it may even be safer.
But the whole, I can’t or won’t meet you UNLESS your friend wants my friend who just happens to own a car – is kind of strange. And unnecessary.
AND the part where he’s kind of blowing off after for not making your friend come along tells me, no matter what his truest intentions were (since we can not undoubtedly know) makes it even worse.
Personally I would be very weary of your situation. He’ll be stand offish in an attempt to keep you around long enough until you agree to his demands.
After that – who knows.
The only catch you must ever agree with a man is the flirty type. If it feels like he’s bartering or asking you to do something you’re uncomfortable then it’s practically guaranteed to get worse.
Oh yeah, at some point everyone was new to this dating thing – so just keep it up – keep an open mind, it’s okay to be skeptical especially on the internet – and I’m sure you’ll eventually spend less time making sense of it all and more time enjoying some really cool guys probably dying to meet you – unconditionally.
Pete
Hi Peter,
what is on his mind?
I met this guy at work, we didn’t speak for a long time, but when we started talking, we were texting every day for hours, about anything. Of course we were both working, even different shifts, but it never got in the way of texting.
Around three months ago, we were already good friends, we got closer to each other, we went to a party and we stayed up late, talking at the beginning, then just sitting together. He kissed me that night, so it was him, not me, kissing him first.
After that it was still ok, we would text like always.
Then two months ago we went away for a holiday, and there he told me he loved me. I didn’t even say it back at that time, as I really wasn’t expecting that from him, but he said he knew what he wanted and he seemed certain.
After that I came back to work, as my leave was shorter than his, and he stayed there for another 2 weeks. Before I left, he told me he would miss me and he really wanted me to stay longer. He even called me when I was at the airport to make sure I was ok.
But then, when I got home, he stopped messaging me. He said he would talk when he has some time in the mornings and evenings, but there were two or three days breaks when he didn’t write anything. I have told him, that it was frustrating for me not to hear from him for so long, and then he would apologize and promise he would talk to me more. And then he would not talk to me for another three days and explain that he didn’t have time – being on holidays, sleeping until 11am and going out only in the evening, or staying at home.
I was waiting for the day when he came back, but we didn’t meet for another four days since he landed. He just didn’t suggest it, and I didn’t want to (again) be the one that always wants and always needs.
But when we met, he was nice and warm. (I never get a lot of emotions from him, but I don’t hold that against him, as I know that this is how he is)
Recently, since last month, he comes to my house for a night over, usually on the weekend. But I realised we stopped communicating at all between those visits. He would text me just before that he was on his way, then we would spend two days together, and then nothing until he would text me again about another visit. It is so different to what it was before – and we are not some 10 year old couple yet! (We don’t talk much at work as we’re stationed at different places)
The visits are nice, he is hugging and kissing me, tells me I’m pretty and that he loves me a lot. We go out, have fun, talk, laugh, fight (for fun).
But anytime I try to ask about some serious thing, he doesn’t answer. He just stops talking, makes some noise or says “ok”. Like this, I still don’t know why he ignores me for a whole week and then says he loves me (if you love someone, wouldn’t you want to text them at least “goodnight”?) and I still don’t know why can’t we have sex. Yes, we never had sex, cause every time we end up doing something else, but not that, and I’m unable to talk to him about it, because he doesn’t answer.
I really feel that I’m not getting what I need from this relationship, but I’m not this kind of person who throws it away as soon as it’s not working. I would rather analyse and see what the cause of the problem is. But for now I feel like the cause is that he is just not that into me.
Hello Kurisu,
Here’s the first thing I saw which may have caused him to pull back from you,
“He told me he loved me. I didn’t even say it back at that time (…)”
I’m assuming you’ve said it since then – have you?
As you may have already figured out, asking questions to some men about the relationship gets you nowhere. Especially if he feels like he loves you more than you love him.
Now he may be on his guard. Afraid if he shows too much interest he’ll end up getting hurt or losing you all together.
And then, as you try to get serious with him his defense goes up – “I got serious with her before but she didn’t even tell me she loves me back.”
Of course it’s all absurd. Of course it’s just one reason why I teach guys to refrain from having that talk at least until she says it first. Too many guys get so caught up in it all it makes them act “different” and it’s NOT typically a good different. As you have found out yourself.
It does seem to me he’s waiting for you to not ask him serious questions but to be pro-active. Especially with regards to sex. He may not feel safe enough with you because at a critical time in his mind, you did not return your devotion of love.
I don’t think you were wrong in not saying it. Trust me on that.
He does seem scared. And strong men will bury that emotion so far from the women they care for the most because they do not want to feel weak in her eyes.
Stronger man can also feel like they’re being Mister Hard As A Rock holding back from initiating sex. It’s not a power thing but a way of hiding their selves for a fear of being hurt.
Now… if he wasn’t into you that much he wouldn’t still go to you for fun.
If I were you – please refrain from over analyzing your situation. If you want him to open up to you than you have to make him feel safe again. I know it sounds “odd” to make a guy feel safe but trust me – MEN and THEIR MASCULINE EGO’s are very easily bruised when it comes to women.
And they will do everything and anything to always protect that part of them.
Hope that helps you shed the mystery of your situation. Thank you for asking,
Pete
Hi Peter,
Thanks for your reply. It’s good to have a sight into a man’s brain and see things from his perspective.
You’re right, he may be on his guard, he is young and he went through something before, as far as I can tell. He may be trying to protect himself from getting hurt. And on top of that, I am quite intimidating – talking a lot and loud, always having ideas, taking charge and doing everything too fast – the opposite of him.
To answer your question, yes I said “I love you” to him as well, the same day he did, hours later. And since then he says it from time to time, when we see each other, and I say it back.
And yes, he is waiting for me to be pro-active. And I am, I am the one doing everything, planning days and thinking of details. He probably knows I am good at that so he lets me do it, but from time to time I would like to also feel that he can take care of me and he can put some effort in, and I’ve told him that, but he never really does anything. I can’t get my head around this as I’ve always read that guys, if they care about the girl, would do anything. This particular guy tells me he cares for me but I can’t even get him to come over on a work day because it’s too much of an inconvenience for him (or so I feel and he doesn’t really explain it to me).
It’s been more than 4 days of quiet – I feel like I want to give up, cause I’m being lied to – how can he love me and at the same time not care about anything – but then I realized that if he was lying, it would be to get into my pants. Since this is not the issue, is he really saying what he means?
I will take your advice and try to make him feel safe. Maybe it’s my fast paced actions that scared him and caused this insecurity? To make him feel safe I would first need to slow it down. I have also been on the other end, where I feel pushed into a relationship too fast, and it’s not a nice feeling, so I definitely shouldn’t make that mistake.
Thanks Peter, it’s been clearer now.
Really great article–it. Helped me understand some crucial points I had been missing! Thanks.
You’re welcome Jenny. Glad you decided to let me know. I totally appreciate it.
Great article. Mostly people tell you that if a person is ignoring you, then “he/she’s just not that into you”, you know, and you lick your wounds and believe it. Great perspective but I have a situation here, and it is this very situation that lead me to your article.
So I’ve been friends with this guy for a very long time. I think I was 16 and he’s older than me for about 2 or 3 years. I’m 29 now. A few times I’ve had an on and off crush on this guy, but it wasn’t very intense like how I felt with my other crushes, because 1, he’s my friend, I even know parts of his relationship history and vice versa; 2, he was always an overall friendly, jolly, kind of guy, like a big brother almost, and that made him sort of off limits; 3, he was so cool and calm and behaved the same way around everyone of his friends that it had been close to impossible to fantasize about him as being something else other than a friend because you get the feeling that he thinks of everyone the same way – his friends. Sometimes you start fantasizing about someone when you suspect that other person to have non-friendly feelings towards you, but with him it was always about friendship. He’s a very very good friend.
I’ve asked for his help several times before. He was always very helpful and obliging to me. And he does the same thing to our other friends. I would give him girl advice, and he would tell me about the various girls in his life and I would tell him about my current problems in my relationships. Because of our busy lives (I went back to school), he’s managing a business, we only keep up to date via facebook.
One night I messaged him and told him if I could crash at his place because there was a problem with the electricity at my place. He said that he couldn’t let me as he had other friends over and they were having drinks but that he’d help me find somewhere else to stay. Then he hinted at staying with me the whole night and doing naughty stuff, which I partially brushed off because he always says a lot of funny stuff. I also partially took it seriously and wanted it to an extent because all of a sudden that part of me that was having this little crush on him was awakened.
I told him I’d call him/text him back so we could meet, but I didn’t. I honestly can’t remember why, I guess I got scared and a little bit uncomfortable and found another place to stay instead, somewhere closer to where I originally live. He texted me asking why I didn’t contact him, and I said I found another place nearby.
I don’t think we spoke after that. I got busy with my own life. But last week I suddenly felt that I should say hi to him, just so that he knows that I’m not the sort of friend who only contacts her friends when she needs help.
We spoke a little, but for some reason it wasn’t like any of our conversations in the past. Our conversations before were spontaneous, free, like any conversations between friends. He said he had a new motorcycle and I was so happy for him. I asked, excited too, if he would let me ride his new ride. He said he couldn’t because he didn’t have an extra helmet. I assumed he just didn’t want to let me ride, period. I don’t know why I thought that, but I steered the conversation away from his motorcycle to his bicycle and he mentioned something about a road trip with his cousin. I didn’t reply to that.
Later on that night I got a text message from him saying “hey!”. I asked him what’s up. He said he’s at a party with his friends and that he’s drunk. I told him to drive carefully. I always tell him that, by the way, every time he says he’s drunk and I knew he’d be driving. So it wasn’t anything new. He’s my friend after all and I don’t want him to get into an accident. Then he replied that he wanted to meet up with me so I can treat him to some coffee (we often make jokes like that), and then he hinted at that conversation we had a month ago about him and I getting it together. Then I asked him exactly how drunk he was, and he said not so much. But I’m confused why he texted me first telling me he’s drunk only to say that he’s not that drunk after all.
So anyway, to make the long story short, I agreed to meet him somewhere, which wasn’t the first time I’ve been with him in the middle of the night. We’ve been friends a long time, after all. But this night was different in that he was staring at me kind of differently. By the time I arrived he already had a cup of coffee in front of him so I took a sip of it to try to hide (his stare scared me). He was my friend for so long and then to receive that look from him! We spoke for a few minutes and decided to leave.
He hinted at going to a motel to get on with “the plan” and I said no, I just wanted to go out on a joy ride. So we did but he asked me what’s stopping me. I told him we were friends and I need time to get comfortable with being intimate with him – I need to get used to the idea first. He told me he wasn’t looking for any relationship, I told him the same thing, which is true.
We stopped somewhere because I had to pee. Then he kept trying to kiss me. I told him to just hug me for now. We hugged, but he kept trying to kiss me over and over again and I kept trying to deflect his kisses. He asked me why I needed some kind of prelude/intro to our plan when we’ve known each other way too long. He had a point, but I was adamant.
So we just went round and round the city and I was having a blast. That ride with him gave me the escape that I didn’t know I needed. To feel the air with someone you trust, it was a vacation to me. He kept asking me where I want to go next. I said how about we go to this place near the sea, so we did. Inside I was like a little child who finally had the chance to ride the ferriswheel or something. I guess I’m really that stressed with school – which is basically the reason I don’t want a relationship right now. And honestly, I’ve had enough of relationships. So I’m taking a break from that.
So at the beach, I finally allowed him to kiss me. He asked if we could finally go some place else, you know get a room, and I said “no, maybe next week, we’ll see, how about we go to the beach again next week?” because I so enjoyed my time with him and how it de-stressed me. But he told me not to make plans because that’s something only couples do. So we planned, sort of, not to plan. He suggested I text him the next week and say something like “let’s go!” like what his other male/female friends do to him all the time – appear without asking him first (which I find weird, I don’t show up at my friends’ place without telling them first or buy them tickets before telling them so they’d have no choice but to go, apparently, that’s what he’s used to with his other friends, I guess he’s that spontaneous).
Anyway, I mentioned something about his hair, that he looks good when it’s cut a certain way. And he said that’s something girlfriends say. To be honest, I don’t think that was the first time I suggested something to him, we’ve been friends a long time. I’m sure I’ve complimented him those past years, or told him he should shave or that he looks better this way or that – because friends do that, too, give each other fashion advice. I had to reassure him that I believed him when he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I told him to believe me that I also don’t want a relationship. Of course our conversation was interrupted with several kisses, it was like he didn’t want to stop.
When the sun came up we decided to go home. He took me somewhere where I can get a cab (his motorcycle wasn’t allowed in my city by this time) so I understood. I got off and he said “are you not going to kiss me now?” and so we kissed. That was the first time I ever kissed anyone on the lips in broad daylight in public. I live in a conservative country. You rarely see people kissing in broad daylight, even just a smack on the lips. I waited until he was finished putting on his helmet so I could give him a hug. He said he had to run errands for his mother and meet with this girl named Ella. I said who is that out of innocent curiosity, something I would have asked any of my male or female friends, and he said “my little niece. Don’t you know my niece?” I said, embarrassed, that I knew he had a niece, it just escaped my brain what her name was. Then it might have been just my imagination, but he started acting kind of weird, not rude, but different, considering we just kissed a few seconds ago.
I hugged him and turned to leave. I wasn’t even sure if he hugged me back.
Needless to say I have been feeling weird since then. I kept thinking about him. I couldn’t believe I am starting to really like a friend this way. Like I’ve said at the beginning, I had a little crush on him that was on and off, and suppressed most of the time, for reasons I’ve already mentioned. But I never expected anything like this to happen, never even really imagined it. Sure there were times before that I felt a spark of jealousy whenever I saw him talk with other girls and being sweet to them, but I always brushed that off as me going crazy, and I was very successful at that.
Also during our night together, he asked me if I think he’s been with someone else in the past, who’s also his friend, that he’s been having a love affair with. I said yes. In fact I had heard that one of our common friends and him got together for some time, but out of respect for her, because I really like her too, I didn’t prolong the topic. From what I knew from our other friends, their relationship is over. But he seemed surprised that I knew about this fact and kept asking me who told me. I told him it was just a slip of the tongue by another friend of ours and that we didn’t mean to really talk about it.
Two or three days after that night – I didn’t really count to be honest, I messaged him just to say hi. I needed to make sure that nothing had changed, that we were still friends and friends check on each other from time to time. He said he had the colds. I teasingly told him I’m sure he didn’t get it from me. He said he knows. Then I felt uncomfortable again for some reason. And so I told him I hope there’ll be no awkwardness between us – my point was simply that I hoped for our friendship to remain the same, no matter what. Then I started to wonder whether or not I should have said what I just said about awkwardness and shit. So without waiting for his reply, I said I was leaving, because I really had somewhere to go anyway. And he didn’t say “bye” or whatever, back.
I’ve been thinking about him all week. I still realize that I don’t want a relationship, though, but I’m also aware that I’m really starting to like him as more than just friends now, although I would not ever force him or run after him. Well, tonight I texted him, like we sort of planned I’d do. I just asked him if he had any plans for tonight. And he texted me back saying he’s with his friends, hinted at that “plan” again, and said he would be unable to reply that many text messages because he thinks he’s running out of credits – he said this all in one text message. So I said “okay maybe next time.” Then he replied, hinting again of THE plan, but said he’d rather just stay where he’s already at (which is with his other friends) – again all in one text. Which left me confused. A lot of contradictory stuff in one text. So I texted “okay enjoy the rest of your night”.
He didn’t reply back. I didn’t expect him to. Part of me doesn’t believe that he’s out with his friends or that he has a phone credits problem. But I didn’t want to push him because I am scared I might do something that he would misinterpret as something a girlfriend does, or me chasing after him. I am devastated. I feel hurt, of course, that he’s acting weird or that he might be ignoring me. Rejection hurts. He did reply to my text message but I feel there’s something off. Maybe he wants to ignore me, but because of our friendship history, he couldn’t dare not reply to my text message.
I’m devastated yes, I want to be with him tonight and be kissed by him. But I’m also really devastated by the fact that I feel like I’ve lost a dear friend. It’s like I can never talk to him again about anything I would normally not think twice talking to him about because I’m scared he might misinterpret it as something else and run away from me, then I’d lose my friend forever.
I just feel so so sad. Doubly heart broken. On the one hand I feel like I’ve lost a friend, and on the other hand I feel rejected – only these people are the same person. It’s taking all of me now not to text him again and tell him we need to meet so I can make sure everything’s okay between us.
Even though I WANT him in that kind of way now, the friendship is still very important to me. Oh how do I make it all go back to the very beginning? And why is he behaving kind of off? Is he actually avoiding me? I mean, I am sure that besides the common friend I’ve mentioned above, he has had other sexual relations with his other female friends based on the stories he jokingly told me before, so why can’t he be cool about it now? With me? And it was several kisses, nothing beyond, yet he’s acting different. I am dying to find out.
Hello Grade.
I’ve found most people who are friends for a long period of time, then grow somewhat romantically involved can never go back to where they thought they were before. BUT when things are done right that friendship is only enhanced by adding a sexual relationship on top of it.
In my opinion – you’ve always had a little something for him but since he didn’t advance on you and stayed “friendly” you settled for the friendship and pushed away your real feelings for him.
What I see is a guy who knows his way around women.
I don’t see him acting any differently – but I DO see you’re interpreting or analyzing what he’s doing from a different emotional state. More on that in a minute.
The fact you both kept mentioning you don’t want a relationship, believe it or not, says the opposite.
It’s like he’s saying it just to keep his options open and is betting on casual sex at least, and you’re saying it because you’re terribly afraid of scaring him away. (Another sign of your true devotion to him.)
Here’s something some guys learn – avoid relationship talk, steer away from acting like a couple – don’t see her often – and keep her attraction rising – and she’ll be more likely to just sleep with you and quicker.
If he had mentioned romance, making you his girlfriend, relationship talk (real, funny or not) you’d be more likely to hold back from having sex. You’ll be more likely to contemplate everything.
Another reason why I see how good this man really is with women in general.
Okay – he came to you drunk, kind of knew you wouldn’t sleep with some overly drunk man so he down-played it. He then spent the rest of the night with you finally getting a kiss.
You experienced an evening which probably felt like a hundred dates all in one evening. And it ended almost perfectly.
If you ask me – you’re too worried about scaring him away. To me it only reinforces how deeply you feel for him.
He, in his abilities, got you to question everything you’re doing around him which is actually stirring your attraction towards him.
You’re worried about what to say. You’re avoiding topics. You’re constantly picking apart every word he is saying. You’re ever searching for the deeper meaning hoping it means what your heart feels.
Have you lost a friend. Not really. You’re acting different because of the sexual tension. You think he’s acting different because your emotional side has taken over and your logical side is trying to put it all in perspective.
That battle feels frustrating but without it – he’s just another friend you wouldn’t even consider sleeping with.
I wouldn’t feel rejected. He’s just playing it cool – living his own life – prodding for a casual sex partner – AND that night you texted him (hinting you’re ready) he was probably assuming you would not follow through with it.
No matter what happens now – based on my belief – based on my relationship knowledge and experience – You should be able to talk about anything. (At least when communicated properly.)
It’s my opinion – when two people who are less concerned with what the other is doing and why they’e acting a certain way – and remain confident enough to NOT define the relationship down to the last detail…
and Two people who are not afraid to share everything with their partner is what makes them strong.
In other words – if you feel like you’re losing a good friend if you just sleep with a guy then yes it’s going to get awkward because that’s a transition most people can not handle.
BUT if it’s leads to an open relationship where the only thing you don’t have to talk about anymore is the other person you’re dating – then friends into lovers can work and have amazing results.
Again. I wouldn’t feel heart broken.
But in my opinion you will in all likelihood lose the friend you knew if sex is the only goal because I can tell how deeply you feel for him.
Save the casual sex for the dudes who have very little to offer relationship wise.
He’ll probably be okay with sleeping with you. It’s a guy thing. Unless you become needy or clingy he won’t mind much at all.
I hope that helps a little. You of course have the option for a rebuttal.
But please Miss Grade – a few less paragraphs next time unless you plan on writing some guest posts here.
Love the enthusiasm, very nice writing too.
Cheer up. I’m sure you’re Grade “A” so stop worrying so much.
Your new “friend”
Peter
Hi Peter
I’ve being seeing this guy for over a month now. We met up online, and had some awesome dates. We’ve had a few sleep overs – but I’ve said we need a proper date before that happens again. Just because I want it to be more ‘real’. He said he liked me and wants to take me out again. Over the weekend I drunk dialled and texted him. But now I haven’t heard from him in a week. I’ve sent a few msgs, but no reply. So now I’ve stopped because I feel stupid. But he’s literally all I can think about! I’m not sure what to do. Please help!!
Oh M,
If I felt (more) stupid for every drunken dial/text I’ve sent I probably wouldn’t even understand how to put on my pants anymore.
I hope your messages are not what is making feel stupid. Obviously being drunk is no excuse but you know what – it happens.
Alright M & M. Obviously you need to define what “being more real” is clearly so you can best assign your actions from there. And not the other way around.
If you dive head first into “sleep overs” then pull back looking for more you’re going to experience problems.
I’m a guy. Yes I want sex with the women I’m dating. Yes it means something to me. And yes being more real to me might actually be a sleep over. But that’s me.
What we need to do is understand your definition, your perspective, how your way of seeing things is different than me or your guy friend. And not because we’re male and you’re female but because we all define “realness” based on many internal factors.
All I’m saying is that if your “real” is proper dating with a guy you may want something more, then you must make sure the next time you avoid getting in too deep quickly.
I can dive in and swim around for hours. Come up for air. Do it again. And I can do it without much of an emotional attachment. But again that’s me.
If you struggle on the deep end – keep it light. Stay on the surface for a while. Take in more of that view for yourself before you make the plunge.
And do it only because it’s how you define the “real.”
You don’t have to feel stupid because you believe you made a mistake. You only have to realize and understand how much knowledge can be learned with a few experiences.
And to use that understanding to possibly make the next experience more enjoyable and real.
Now – if you’re asking me if he really does like you – I’m sorry but that’s impossible for me to ascertain because I don’t know this person at all.
If you’re asking me how to turn him around – then I would suggest hiding your phone the next time you drink (don’t worry I understand that’s highly impossible
)
Seriously though, stick to your guns. Obviously there are ways to better chances with him without more sleep overs but I can’t get into all that here.
I can honestly say – if you want your “realness” and he’s not willing to go there, no matter who’s started what – you must refrain from another sleep over.
I’m asking asking you to demand he step up or go away. Just throw it out there. If he’s serious he will. If he’s not then at least you know who you were dealing with.
That’s all,
Thanks for writing in M.
Pete
I’m surfing the web coz something bothering me. End up to your site and I love it.
2 yrs ago,I meet a guy in a chatolic ministry were we both serving. He’s a grade school teacher and I am a fashion designer. We have lots of common interest, like music, arts and adventure.
We became close to each other when he started calling me a pet name “Peanut”… Every time he sees me he makes me irritated by calling me peanut. And tickles me repeatedly non stop unless he sees me annoyed. Then hug me after. We even watched our fav movie, Leş Miserable, kiss my hand without reason. He told me on a whispering voice” I like you”. But if I ask him what does he say… He just said nothing.
But I wonder why if were together with our common friends, he acts differently…. He is mean, sarcastic, irritating and annoying towards me. And if our friends tease him on me he cant say anything.
This happened continuously for 2 yrs.. Then last month, he suddenly change…. He never calls me on my pet name. He never tease me… He became sarcastic to me. Sometimes I am invisible to him while talking to our friend beside me. But I’m sure I never did bad things to him to be like that. So I try to ignore him but it’s really hurt coz I already fall on him….
The only reason I know, coz I am a transgender woman. He knows it from the start. Even the whole ministry knows it. He even research transgender things and discuss it with me. Asking me many questions about my transition, my life, my situation.
So I started to ignored him, besides, I have many guy friends in our ministry who is sweet towards me. One time he catch me with a common friend on a friendly date. He came to us and ask sarcastically “a date?”.. He sat on front of us and leave his friends on the other table…… Many happenings similar to that… He always interrupt when I’m talking to guy friends…..and the ignoring game continues …
… But yesterday makes me more confused. while I’m busy doing some stuff , suddenly, he tickles my waist and hug me tight behind my back and carried me while saying, “I miss doing this, I missed you so much”. In his surprise, he never notice that my close friend( common friend who knows everything) sees and hear him… She said ” why you missed her?, your w us yesterday and you been argued w her…. And he answered ,”I am like this, when I miss someone, beside you have boyfriend not like Joanne.” his face turn red and he walk away….
So now,I am so confused about him and with my self. On him coz of his attitude towards me. On my self coz despite of how he treat me I’m still in love w him.
Well Hello Joanne. I love how you love it here.
One word of advice about relating to men. Do your best to never play the same “game” you think they’re playing on you. Not only because I know that’s not what you want to do anyways, but because it gives them power over your emotions. It gives them a control switch.
And once they learn that switch it becomes a fallback when they can not deal with their own emotions or begin to feel helpless. When backed in a corner, when they fear a loss, when they struggle displaying real emotions they will use that fallback to hurt you. (After all it worked before so it will work again.)
But that’s that…
I’ve found when men “act differently” around their friends, or do the old, “You don’t know him like I do” as the girl defends him or secretly treat you nice but act like fools or hypocrites in public have mild to severe “masculinity” issues.
This insecurity has them questioning their own manhood. They’re afraid of being seen as weak. They were never taught or grasped the idea of what being a mature man is. I write more on the mature man in this post:
http://www.whydoguys.com/what-does-mature-man-mean-you-men-better-understand/
I could go into hours of all this because I’m a guy and at some point in my life I had to realize, acknowledge, and flesh out my own beliefs of what is masculine. So I understand the battle men have and why they act out immaturely.
As for you – and you feelings for him. I totally understand. I see how tough it is to feel something for someone who treats you as less than you truly deserve to be treated.
I can not tell you at this point how to get over a man, but I can make one bold statement for you to ponder.
Love is not commitment. Commitment is not the definition of love. What you feel towards him in a way always reflects the love you have for yourself.
When you completely embrace and love every piece of yourself (the parts you like along with the things you would like to change) and you do that for yourself unconditionally – you may still find yourself “falling” for men who may treat you unfairly but you’ll never commit this love because the person you adore the most that’s inside you will be made that much stronger to just walk away.
We can’t erase the pain but we can develop strength and courage by facing the fears we have inside.
Does that make sense? Hope so. I’m trying over here.
All the best of happiness to you Joanne Chloe,
Pete
Hi Pete,
You help me alot, thank you for speaking up on behalf of all men,
Anyway, Everything is fine for now. He Slightly came back on old him. but I set a boundary between my filings and friendship. I rather choose to survive our friendship than making things complicated. My friends told me if you’re ment to be together, no one can tell, so both of us need time, but don’t close my door to other guys.
hopping that I’m doing the right thing
Peter,
You have no idea how helpful you are. Now I have a clear view of everything.
I feel like you really understood what I was saying, like you known us personally and had been observing us all along, and you reply with all you know. Thank you so much! And I am so sorry for the long post! O_O
Now I’m a huge fan of yours and will be frequenting your blog!
Godspeed!
My first publicly acknowledged fan.
Glad to have helped you and I’m looking forward to having you browse my blog from time to time.
Thank you.
Hi
. However last month we started talking again and he was more forward with things and spoke more. I saw him twice at his and it was lovely he was differeng than last year in the respect he paid attention, continued to text me. However I found I was falling again. I did last year and told him this buthe didnt want a relationship. So he knows I had feelings.
( .
Ive been looking at lots of different opinions about men ignorinb you and this one reallh opened my eyes.
I started sleeping with this guy last year, by new year he had finished it
So I ended up telling him but told him I didnt expect him to feel same but wanted go stay friends etc. He read the message and guess what this was 3 week ago and hd is totally ignoring me!!!!
I saw him in his work lsst week but I ignored him, my friend was watching him while she was being served and said he looked st me three times, first two times he looked then looked down n looked distracted, then third time he looked bit longer then kind of side n shaking his head slightly. ?????
I dont get him, why not just tell me do one n its over than comp ignore me.
Why come back again? Hes 40 years old im sure he could b straight with me, he was before!!!
I dont want to keep texting him n being ignored
My friend thinks hes scared but I dont think so, he can flirt with other lasses n message them etc but not me
Im confused
Some thoughts for you Penny,
You see, in his mind, he already told you it was over last year.
And believe me, men hate having that conversation once let alone twice. Sometimes they even believe that you losing them will be so devastating you will cease to function as before.
Okay so yes, that does happen but as I see the world, eventually both involved move on and eventually find someone new. It hurts but we find our own way to get on with our lives.
If you didn’t know this about guys I’m glad you’re hearing it now. When we experience a deep connection to a woman – those feelings will linger around occasionally indefinitely. (Of course the break up reasons outweigh the emotional attachment but it doesn’t make the love or attraction just disappear.)
With that said you’ll find lots of guys come back nicer, listening more, or are more responsive after a long silence. What we experience is an instant connection because we’ve already been there.
*If a man has shared any form of deep intimacy with a woman to him, the path you both took to get there never has to happen again.
Now there are lots of reasons men will suddenly re-appear back in your life. I’m positive you can come up with several on your own.
However shortly after that happens – if you bring up any kind of relationship talk with him, and he begins to feel like he will have to experience the “break up” talk again, he will pull back quickly and abruptly.
He will avoid contact. Partly because he doesn’t want to “devastate” you again, partly because he’s avoiding doing something he don’t like, partly because he doesn’t want to lead you on, partly because he senses he losing control of the situation.
My intuition is telling me something about your situation. I want you to please understand, yes it’s true, I’m not perfect, and yes I’m not always right, but here’s what I see…
You ignoring him at his work he probably thought you were doing on purpose just to piss him off. Remember he now expects you’re so madly in love with him – his entire existence is the only thing “keeping you going.”
(I know it is pretty sad how delicate the male ego really is Haha!)
However that’s just a small piece.
The rest is – he’s unsure. He was confused where to go and when you brought up any form of relationship talk – how you’re falling for him again – you want to remain friends (which to some men sounds like you’re actually willing to wait) – how he wanted to see if possibly things have changed but now is not entirely sure things have.
He does NOT want to pick up where things left off BUT since a bond was already established me may wondered if something had changed since you last spoke.
The truth about rekindling relationships as far as I’m concerned is, if you pick up where you left off you’re doomed to fail again.
It has to at least feel like a new beginning based on a new different connection.
So Penny – I know you want him to be straight with you but in order for him to do that you can not approach him as you have before. In his mind he has already set things straight at the end of last year.
The connection you had makes him believe you’re not just casual people. You both have shared intimate secrets and to guys it means you’ll always be on a different level.
And believe me that “different level” is something ALL guys need in their lives and will go back to ex’s to re-live that experience more times than he is even willing to admit to himself. (But that’s why I’m here right
)
It’s best not to take any new communication as a means to possibly re-start. You live your life knowing and understanding if he does nothing blatantly obvious and determined it means he’s not ready, willing, or even able.
You don’t have to take it personal. In fact if you were to take away anything personal I would make it – he found something about you the first time but it didn’t work out. Lots of relationships don’t work on all levels.
I do want to leave you confident. I do hope my words help you to better understand men and what it all means.
This kind of information is very powerful is it’s used to grow, move on, stand up straighter, or anything which makes you a stronger person.
I appreciate you had the strength to write me through the tears. It means a lot to me.
All the best Penny,
Pete
Peter
Just to say so sorry for the long message before and the amount of spellings.
Typing late at night through tears is not the best option.
Your blogs are amazing , wish the bloke above who I spoke about could be honest
Xx
Hi Peter
I met a guy online a few months ago. He has had a rough life since childhood and got burned in relationships. For 2 weeks we talked and texted all the time and spent alot of time together. He always said how much he wanted to see me. I felt the same and thought this was possibly going to turn into more. All of a sudden he backed off. He stopped coming around and not calling or texting very often. He used the excuses he was getting caught up on things and how he was embarrasses he wasnt futher along in his life financially at the age he is. He says he cant fail he has no family to help him. I dont want to keep texting him or asking to see him if hes not interested. He will text me with funny pics or things he knows i like once in a while but makes no effort to see me. How does a guy do a complete turn around like that? Is he really not interested? How do i proceed with this?
Hello K,
I don’t see the complete turn around you noticed. I see a guy with low self-esteem, who when he gets too close to a woman – never feels good enough. At time his “actions” will always have himself proving he’s right about himself.
Sometimes that pattern is the only thing keeping a person from hitting rock bottom. “At least they’re right about something.”
What he “says” is one thing. What he “does” is the real man.
My advice – if you have made a lasting connection with him, do NOT look for anything more than some casual texting.
You must open up ALL your options when it comes to men. I tell guys to date several women and the same advice goes for you too. Date more women
Well okay, I mean date other “men” and to remain focused on yourself and not his quest to enter the “present” world.
Focus on staying in your present the best you can each and every day. Remain goal orientated and connect with lots of different types of guys.
If you stay in light contact with him, when both of you are “at the same place at the same time” then everything else will easily fall in place.
How do you feel about all that?
Thanks for asking and welcome. I see you signed up and looks like you’ll be hearing from me more often.
Pete
Thanks for the response. It does make sense but i do really like him. He has no family and stays to himself for the most part. I really want to talk to him and find out what his real feelings are and what he really wants. I dont think i will ever get those answers. I want to tell him how I feel and that his not having money or the things he thinks he should have doesnt matter to
me.
I just want him to take a chance and let me in and give things a chance. I just dont know how to get thru to him. Hes been thru so much in his life i want him to try to be happy but he stays to himself. When something good happens he texts me to tell me about it, but then backs away again.
I am just really confused i have never met a guy like this before
I cant even get the answers i need from him to get closure
Hi Peter!
Amazing piece of advices… i am so lucky i came across this site so well in time… im immensely confused and need your input. I met this guy…much older to me..divorced.. a journalist and tv anchor by profession… we met and clicked immediately.. we started chatting on phone.. unfortunately I got engaged a few weeks prior to meeting him and will shortly be getting married… he seemed very interested in the beginning but when I told him about my engagement he went very very quiet… but we kept talking off n on… a few times he showed immense interest in me…he had grown on me like anything too and I straight forwardly told him I have feelings for him… he didn’t say much about my feelings.. but displayed care and was upset when I was going away for 2 weeks for vacations.. then when I returned from my vacations.. he would hardly talk to me.. for the entire month he claimed he has been extremely busy with his tv shows n all.. I left him alone too as my own marriage was approaching and I was busy… though I would text him sometimes… then now recently only… he cald me and asked me not to get married … he tried to convince me to get to know him and we may then take it further… he invited me to his place… where we had a good talk and I told him now marriage being hardly 10 days away its next to impossible… he then disclosed that he has been seeing a woman for the last 10years who is married and has teenage kids and cant get divorced because of kids… he told me its been very very painful for him and that hes hell in love with her… and now he doesn’t want to go through the same with me… after all this… I don’t know what happened… we kissed and made it… it was beautiful… he insisted I stay and spend some more time with him which I did but then eventually I had to rush back to work… but since then I don’t know,,, he has been ignoring me… he wouldn’t take my calls.. would reply to my texts ..but hardly a one liner… he would say he would call me but never does…
Whats going on? Is he over with me because we made out? Got bored with me? or is it something else? I don’t know know whats happening…I feel I am quite in love with him and I just cant stand his ignorance now!!! Its already very depressing for me to fell into this marriage thing next week!! Please help!!!
Maddy
Dear Maddy… You know what’s going on, don’t you?
You’re getting married – he’s seeing another woman who is already married – he told you he does not want to go through the same thing with you – and now he has “seemed” to disappear before your very eyes.
Did he get bored – obviously he wasn’t bored enough to kiss you. And he probably was looking for more at that time too.
When he disappears he’s actually working or with his married “girlfriend.”
Personally it sounds like you’re more confused about your own marriage than you are with his actions.
I understand you’re depressed. I’m not here to make it worse.
But again, from my perspective – this “other” guy will probably burn out and sooner or later you’ll be fighting for his attention so much, you’re going to lose yourself.
As for your marriage, how do you feel about this guy?
Everyone has second thoughts when they’re getting themselves in a life-long situation. Very understandable.
And if another person enters our lives causing us to question even more whether we’re doing the right thing, then of course you’re going to fall for that person even more.
Maddy – Your marriage first. That’s all I’m going to say.
I do sincerely hope it all works out for you.
Pete
Thanks Pete for the detailed response. Well actually i come from that part of the world where “Arranged Marriages” are quite common.. and mine is no different. you are right, i am more confused about my marriage (esp after meeting this guy) then about his emotions. As for my feelings for my fiance… well, he apparently seems very accommodating and pretty much understanding too… only that i feel that the “spark” is somehow missing between the relationship… i don’t feel any romantic involvement with him despite his small attempts… i just don’t know what i am getting myself into… marriage being only a week away… and i am already so crazy for this other man… who is no less “Weird”… and yes you were right… he was hell tied up at his work.
You’re welcome Maddy.
It’s true. I know very little about arranged marriages. I imagine arranged marriages have a different “nervousness” than the ones I
have experienced. Different questions. Conflicting emotions. The struggle between “doing what supposed to be right” and “following your heart.”
I also imagine two people can grow close and build a wonderful life together despite being arranged partners.
I also can see (while the marriage is far away) how easily your heart will search for a spark. Something to prove to yourself there is a difference. How chemistry does not feel right when it’s manufactured.
Just from my outsider view I think I’m even confusing myself on the whole subject.
So I suppose it’s only natural for you to question anything and everything. It’s only natural to reach out to the guy who “does it for” the most.
I may not be able to guide you through all of it – but I can at least alleviate any feelings of uneasiness that what you’re going through as a natural part of an arranged marriage. And I can only guess the purpose of your doubts and trials before the event – does serve a purpose of gaining strength, reflecting your true feelings, a deep exploration, and then a trustful leap into the decision other feel is best – in the end.
Wishing you all the best,
Pete
Hey Peter!
I love what you’ve been doing for the women here and was wondering if you could help me out too. I met a wonderful musician last month. I saw him playing in the park but was too shy to talk to him. My friend went up to him, bought his CD for me, and found out that he was playing at a nearby cafe. Together my friend and I went to his show. After the show, he came up to our table and talked to the two of us. My friend left us alone, and we continued to talk until about 10:30 and he asked for my number, in case I wanted to know when he’d be playing again. I said sure, but he could also call if he was going to be “around or something.”
Then I didn’t hear from him for a month. I was sure he was into me that night, so I didn’t know why he didn’t call. I called the cafe he worked at, and one morning at work I received a text from him, asking to hang out before I left for college. We met a few days after, and at the end of what was a really lovely date, I asked why he didn’t call. He said he didn’t hear the last part, when I said he could call if he was “around or something.” He asked when he’d be seeing me again, and we planned to meet a few days later.
During our next date, we shared intimate details with each other, and established a communication style that was very open and honest. He was open with me about his dating past, and feeling betrayed by women. His last relationship had ended just days before meeting me, with a woman of the same age as me, who decided to get back with her ex. He admitted that I was meeting him at a strange time in his life, either the most vulnerable or the least vulnerable, he wasn’t sure. I told him I didn’t trust him not to hurt me, and he confirmed this to be true, saying he wasn’t sure of that either. We spoke openly about sex, and I was honest when I told him I didn’t think I could sleep with him without getting attached. He said since he could make no promises to me, I probably shouldn’t sleep with him, and then asked if I was going to call him again. I said I wasn’t sure. I asked if he would still call me. He said he would, even if we just spent time together talking.
A few days later, after a few glasses of wine, I texted him. I said I knew it was on short notice, but if I could stay over the following night. (It would be the only opportunity for me of the summer.) He replied the next morning saying that that sounded nice, and we made plans to meet after he got off from work. I met him that night and we stayed up until 4 in the morning, mostly talking. There was no sex, and he never took his pants off, but he did give me a few orgasms. Again, he shared some really intimate details about his life, and he talked about his family, his past lovers, his childhood, and ranted for a while about politics. We talked deeply about intellectual ideas, and were bare about our feelings. We communicate in a way that is very open and honest. At one point he asked me to kiss him on the forehead. He was very gentle and careful with me, in a way that made me believe he might have feelings for me. Right before sleeping he asked if he could spoon me, and I said yes. When I woke up for work in the morning, his arm was still around me, his warm body still against mine, and I moved my hand over his, just barely lying between his fingers. I sat up on the bed, and he sat up too, concerned, and asked, “What’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing, it’s just early,” and returned to cuddle him. I left for work without waking him. Kissed him goodbye on the forehead.
After that night he didn’t contact me. I waited around for a few days, but nothing. Finally I decided to give him a call. No answer. Two hours later he called back, apologized and said he was busy talking with a roommate, and told me I could call to just check in whenever I wanted. We talked for about an hour about mushrooms and snails, politics and climate change, and our parents. My mom walked in while I was talking to him, and asked who I was talking to. I told her Bryan and that was it. At the end of our phone call, we made plans to meet later in the week, before I went away to college. He also said he was open to the idea of me coming back during the year to visit him.
The next morning, I get a text from him. He said my mother called him and told him I am in a relationship (I am not) and to stay away. My mother called because she doesn’t want me to be with a “loser.” We talked about it over the phone and things were clarified. He said it did hurt to get the phone call and that there was nothing he could do to make my mother accept him, and he hoped I was ok with that. He also said that he is probably not good enough for me (financially), and I responded that I was the only one who could decide that. In any case, despite this drama, it signified to me that he could be thinking about the relationship in more serious terms, if parental acceptance was on his mind. The phone call ended on a good note, things were fine between us.
I texted the day that we had made plans for. He texted back saying he was too tired, he had been closing at work all week (which was true) and needed sleep. I said it was fine, but was concerned he was being worked too hard, and if he wanted to meet up on his day off. Then I never heard from him. It’s been 6 days with no contact. I called him and no answer. I’ve been giving him space and only today texted him, “Hey, haven’t heard from you, are you ok?”
My theories are..
a) He thinks I am too young.
b) He met someone else / got back with an ex.
c) He is afraid of being hurt by me as he has been in the past.
d) Something happened in his personal life that he is dealing with.
e) He doesn’t think he is good enough and as a result is “sparing” me.
Peter, help me! I really like this guy and don’t want to lose him. He makes me very happy, has treated me with respect thus far, and I refuse to believe he lost interest, and/or is ignoring me as a way to end things. After our open communication, it doesn’t seem fitting.
So there is this guy he said he really likes me and we texted a lot of times. We flirted, and we were into eachother. We work together too, and always asks me to chill with him when im there. Couple weeks later, he barely texts me, and doesn’t flirt at all. He says things that are short and makes it boring. At work he barely ask me to chill with him. When I see him, he make sure I catch his stare, and smiles at me and he also talk to me a little bit but afterwards he will act like im not there. What does this mean??? I am not too sure.
This is really helpfull, thanks!
I’ve known this guy for about 14 years now. When we were 13 years old and graduated (we went to the same school after graduation), he came to me on the last schoolday and kissed me (it was supposed to be on my cheek, but he also kissed me halfway on my lips. Not sure if it was an accident). He was, like any other guy, very immature and he used to bully me sometimes and say how he hated me when we were kids until we were 16 years old. He never really talked to me when we were in high school, we only played around and made jokes about whatever was going on. Anyway, we graduated and went to different schools.
Half a year later, I made a facebook account. He added me and that’s where it all started. He was like commenting on ALL my posts, making jokes, being nice. Whenever I was sad (I had depression until March 2013) he made laugh or change the topic I was sad about in my status. Sometimes we even talked through chat and whenever I talked about another guy, he didn’t know what to say/went quiet/changed the topic/he was awkward about it, but still, he wanted to know everything and said he wanted to help me out. I really didn’t notice him being worried or something and him being a good friend. I only knew how much he changed and got a lot nicer.
It’s about 8 months since he hasn’t commented on my posts, didn’t pay much attention to me. (This thing started on March 2012 until now) I’ve been talking to him several times, but not that much. We don’t talk that much anymore, like 1 month passess by, 4 months pass by and then we talk.
He told me, a month ago, that whenever I feel sad or need any help, whenever wherever, I can tell him. He said that he wants to make up for all the horrible things he has done when we were younger, how he was being immature and that he’s mature now. He said: ”I was horrible in the past, but I can make it up in the future.” ”I was very immature back then, but I’m mature now” and ”I’m very glad to see that you are finally enjoying life and do the things you like to do”.. So.. When I talked about a guy I liked for about 6/7 years and asked him if he knows him, he changed the topic and sent me a picture of us from when we were 13 years old. It was really weird because he changed the topic.. Then I said how I look like a guy, don’t even have something girly, he said that’s not true. I said that I wanted to change myself (this is when we talked about plastic surgery) and when I said that I want to change myself, he said: ”noo, don’t” he told me to be myself and that it is the most important thing.. He knows how much I like to fitness and stuff, so he said to me that he is going to the gym, lifting weights, losing weight etc.. and how he punched a guy in the face when we were in high school.. and that he goes to parties, likes these celebrities for their figures.. He said that he wanted to see one while she is changing her clothes (so I only laughed at it since it was very awkward and he said I’m sorry). At the end of the conversation when he had to go, he said: maybe we’ll talk later this night when I’m back from the gym… but this never happened.
Anyway, a week later I talked to him first and asked why he was being so nice and things.. If he feels guilty and if that’s the case that he is being so nice.. I told him not to feel guilty because it’s very awkward and I feel like bothering him whenever I talk to him. He said that he feels guilty but that he sees me as a good friend. He was being really awkward that night. He didn’t say much, kept his sentences very short and the last thing he said was that he sees me as a good friend. When I replied, I went silent and didn’t reply anymore.. Maybe it was because he was going to a party, but I really wanna know: what is he thinking? Why is he so weird every time? It’s very awkward.. We haven’t talked since then (about 2 weeks ago)..
One last thing: we have A LOT in common. We like the same music (asian), watch dramas, love English, think almost the same when it comes to some things..
Thanks for reading this, I’m really stuck in this thing called ”friendship or relationship?/can I trust you or not?/are you bored when you talk to me?”
Again, thanks for this article, it’s very helpfull
Hi,
So I’ve been talking to this guy for about a week and initially we hit it off, had loads in common & we organised to go on a date. However, a couple of days before the date he said he had to cancel because he’d been called into work and so couldn’t make the date (he seemed genuinely disappointed) and asked if he would definitely see me at an event we’re both going to (seems interested to me but I can never tell with guys!)
However, after the date was cancelled he basically dropped off the grid or if conversations were started they didn’t last long and if I messaged him first he wouldn’t reply.
Friends who know him say he is a genuinely lovely guy and isn’t someone who’d toy with a girl’s emotions but it’s just extremely frustrating when I’m being sent snapchats from him but he doesn’t seem to want to have a proper conversation.
So basically, should I just forget about it? Or is he doing this so that he doesn’t seem overly keen?
Overly Keen… Love it.
Hi S.
Some men are just plain flaky. It’s a term you often hear about women but there are men who are the same way.
They bounce from task to task, moment to moment, and rarely are aware they’re even doing it.
I wouldn’t forget about him entirely. Let him simmer for a while.
BUT let me ask you this – do you really want to chase a guy – or end up with a man who seems a little flaky? Genuine or not.
If it’s frustrating you now – how is it going to be down the road if things work out.
This is about what YOU want from all men. You want a proper conversation with a guy, do NOT sit around wondering and trying to figure out why one guy won’t have it with you.
If he is doing it to play aloof – purposely or not – the good news is he doesn’t do it with the women he’s not interested in.
Me. I let women flake out and do my best to not let it affect my actions. I understand it’s who they are and who am I to change them. And who am I to change them for my benefit because I want more from them.
The truth is – if I want more from someone – sooner or later if I figure that more means changing their core behavior, then I believe it’s time I start looking elsewhere.
Thanks for writing in S,
Pete
Sometimes you have to take things as they are and mostly what you really want from a guy – must be number 1 above all else.
Hello Peter. Love your blog! Thanks for sharing info and enjoy reading from a guy’s perspective… informative and very useful, practical.
I’m reading it because your title caught my eye but it’s me who is doing the ignoring because I’m so painfully shy. # months ago I met a guy who had starting working closely with me and he was ok at first but after a couple days knowing each us began to be nervous and talking fast, sweating, blinking fast and looking away when I looked at him while talking but somehow he still always wanted me to help him so we could be side by side working. I didn’t realize these things though until I had this feeling ..odd feeling.. that he likes me. But he seemed serious like he wasn’t, so I was confused. Then he began to try to help me in any way, such as if I needed help he would speak on my behalf to others and get them to help me. He fixed something if it was broken on his own time like he wanted to surprise me. But I think his feelings got stronger when I thanked him and told him I appreciated his help, after that he would stick up for me to others. Then he went on vacation and when he came back I had been working with another guy so I rarely saw him but he would sometimes make excuse to stop by and chat but not often. Fast forward one month and he came back when the other guy was on leave. The first thing he asked when walking in the door was how I was doing. I said “fine and you?” and he said I’m doing REALLY GOOD while looking into my eyes. I assumed he missed me like I did. We had a nice long conversation and the next day he came in with a colleague but as they were leaving he turned around to me and mouthed “it was REALLY nice talking to you”. Since then I’m so shy. I caught him looking at me and he came up to me to talk but I’m so serious! I don’t know why but I’m nervously dying inside. I don’t want to scare him away if he likes me, because I don’t know if he LIKES me likes me or just being friendly. We spoke last week and haven’t worked together since! Major bummer but I think now I’m overanalyzing things…do you think he’s into me and what could he be thinking? Can I still get out of this rut I’m in? And yeah, I have low self-esteem… could be why but he’s not like hot or anything, his sweetness is what attracted me to him. Thanks for listening….
Hello Kimmy,
Here’s something you may not know about some men. Not all of them but I bet there’s more than you could ever imagine…
They love shy girls. In fact several of them have made it a point to ask me how they can ask a shy girl out. I wrote this for them on a whim…
“Shy girls…you have to love them. Their coy smiles make us wonder. They lead us in with their soft words. They hide their faces and bring us just close enough, to want to push back their hair and tease along their cheeks with the tips of our fingers…”
http://www.dialteg.com/attracted-to-shy-girls-want-ask-women-out/
Now Kimmy darling – trust me, it’s tougher than you think to scare away a guy when he likes you.
I wish I can guarantee or make your anxiety disappear but alas, I have no magic wand I’m aware of.
But I can tell you, or alleviate some of the stress you’re feeling by just writing to you today.
It’s my belief that it’s the man’s job to make it easy on you. Not to wipe out your anxious feeling but to lead you in a direction where eventually, you feel more comfortable around him.
This is my way of telling you it’s okay to be nervous. Especially around a guy you find sweet.
I picked up a shy woman once. Made her giggle and blush when I revealed how much she “did it” for me. (In a romantic way of course) She’s still shy. She’s still unsure of herself BUT I have caught her opening up to me a few times. (I also recommend her to text me because it’s easier for her to speak openly that way.)
My point is – what you’re feeling is totally natural. How you get past it all is about overcoming certain fears which are causing your stress. Face those fears Kimmy!
Men “dig” shy girls but if you don’t believe in yourself it’s going to be hard for him to believe in you. At least enough to make a move or take you out someplace besides work where you can enjoy a relaxing conversation.
What you’re feeling is happening because you’re standing on the edge looking down. And sometimes it’s just best to keep your head up – don’t look down – feel your feet tingle below you – and take one tiny step at a time.
Breath out slowly as often as you can when you feel those surges are coming up. Focus on the little things around you – what they are -where they came from – who made them – anything and everything which will get you out of your mind and into the world around you.
I overcame a deep shyness myself by first – developing a strong inner confidence – I focused on how others around me were so stuck in their heads, the last thing they were thinking about, was me.
I discovered myself and then put myself in positions where I could naturally and easily overcome my fears.
It wasn’t easy at first – but I managed. don’t expect too much for yourself. Little steps, tiny goals, reach them one at a time – and never forget no one has the privilege to be inside your mind but you!
I may do a little research for you – perhaps with some very specific questions from you I could write a few posts to help out the myriad of women who appear to be shy just like you.
Until then – keep your head up – don’t look at your feet
One step at a time Kimmy and let him make it easy on you. If he can’t or refuses to – either way learn something from your experience you can take with you everywhere and it won’t matter much – if he likes you or not.
Pete
Something happened. But before it happened, he told me again how he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I laughed and told him I understood and asked what made him think that I wanted a relationship and why he kept repeating it? He said there were some women in the past who would then go after him after the act, so in my head I was all “hmmm… he must be that good”. But then he fell short of my expectations. haha. I’m more amused than anything. In my heart he could never fall short because he’s very dear to me. I guess that’s one of the best things about a lover being also your friend.
Or it could have all been a strategy. He raised my expectations and downplayed his performance to ensure that I don’t fall in love with him.
Oh, Peter. Your kind is an enigma at times. I’m fascinated.
Out of the multitudes of people who seek your advice, I’m not sure you’d still remember me and my story. But I hope you are well.
This “Enigma” is doing well.
Unfortunately I have a terrible curse put on me – I remember practically everything. Haha!
So how could I forget about Grade and her wonderful late night date with a dear friend which ended in a kiss I believe. (An no I didn’t peek)
You could teach women your concept – Stay fascinated with men and you’ll always have a good reason to smile, even during the bad times.
Thanks for stopping by again Grade…
Well, how sweet and consoling this is, he’d better ast fast cuz I’m almost loosing it :’(
Hi, i read your article and it truly is amazing and helpful! I still have doubts about this guy I really like. I barely talk to him so I really don’t know him that well but sometimes he does things that look suspicious to me. A month ago we had an outing with a group of friends and he was there with his brother, and my friend and I caught him starring at me a few times. My friend notice that every time he looks at me he just stands there and when I look back at him he don’t do nothing like he does to other people, and if I ask him why are you looking at me like that he don’t say anything just stands there looking at me. At the outing i caught him starring at me more than usual and his brother noticed it. His brother asked him what was wrong with himand next thing I know they were talking about me. I could tell they were talking about me because they both kept taking glances at me and smiling while talking, they obviously didn’t pretend! I once went up to him to say hi, and for the first time I asked him “how are you?”, he answered me with this adorable smile and when I turned around my friend caught him turning around to look at me with a smile on his face. It’s really not a lot of times he does things like this but when he does they just drive me crazy because I don’t know what they mean. The rest of the times he just ignored me and it really makes me feel uncomfortable
Can you tell me your point of view? What do you think this is and what should I do?
Good evening Nara,
Amazing huh? … why thank you.
Now you must try to be amazing yourself. It’s easy. You start by talking to him more and paying less attention to any staring you believe he’s doing.
Right now – pretend this “not knowing what he mean”s is your excuse to flirt with him and not try to get “it” out of him, but to let his genuine responses lead you to accurate conclusions.
If what you see as ignoring you makes you feel uncomfortable or his stares are suspicious please understand your self-conscious probably feels like it’s being invaded. Which is why the defense of questioning goes up.
Consider this instead as a great opportunity to play it up a little. Use your wit and charm to be aloof and humorously accuse him being much too into you.
This will allow him to reveal his intentions by what so many men want to be good at and you must never take that away from guys…
And that’s attracting you.
I see doubt as inspiration and a wonderful invitation to learn something new.
Talk to him more and not your friends about him or concerning yourself about what he’s talking to his friends about.
Just my point of view. Cheer up Nara. I do hope this was helpful,
Pete
Thanks for the response! I will take into consideration what you’ve told me. I talk to him like once in a blue moon, but when I do, he’s the one that comes to me and talk. He always says hi, and sometimes ask me how am I doing and whats up. I noticed that he talks to me in small crowds not big ones. I also noticed that he is so outgoing with people and always joking around but when he’s around me he is not like that, he’s usually quiet like if he’s scared of doing something, like the shy type of guy. Maybe is just my imagination that he looks shy around me sometimes idk. He also tried twice to get my attention and he sure did, after he eavesdropped, he interrupted a convo about college just so I would see him and when I look over he smile and walk away. Maybe that was his way of making a move or give me a hint? I know he never had a girlfriend. But in the meanwhile I look forward on getting to know him. Sorry for the long message and thanks again
Wow Pete, ur sites amazing. I found it quite by chance and will frequent it every so often…….Well I am hoping that you can also shed some advice on this…..I am divorced 40 year old, fine looking & independent with a teenage son but I still believe in romance and someday remarrying a good man. Anyways I met this guy- Alan – over a year ago and in this time we’ve met for coffee and a few meals and always chatting like good friends. Alan’s 40, never been married, a good guy & lives his life to the fullest. He has no current gf either. Anyways over the months, he’s hinted at missing a good home cooked meal so I volunteered to cook him a good wholesome meal. He arrived at my place, first time invite, with a bottle of good wine and desserts that were his favorites that he thought I may love too. Every time we meet, we always just hug each other hello. Dinner was wonderful and we had great conversations as we always do.
He almost didn’t want to leave sooner but eventually he did- nothing romantic happened- he didn’t try to kiss me- just good conversation. Now after this we kept in touch via watts app as we do. He mentioned he also needed to cook me a meal and thats as far as that goes. Anyways he also seems to run hot & cold- I’ve never ever been nasty etc with him. From my convos with him, I picked up that perhaps he prefers to date younger women. He says stuff about younger women and their bodies etc etc which I inwardly am jealous of as i will not compete with age- I m mature, intelligent & beautiful
yet when I encourage him to meet younger women, he contradicts that by saying lacking in maturity and being hormonal etc. When we text and I encourage him about younger women, he avoids answering me. He also does the appearing & disappearing act with texting. We can both see when the other has been on watts app so it’s not like he’s never online. I have feelings for him but I am hesitant to act on them in fear that he may not feel the same and I do not want to make a fool of myself.
Do I just leave this be cos I’ve inherently overanalysed this and fallen in love with him cos of the qualities I seek in a good partner and just move on? He could truly be ” just not that into me”.
Sass
I need some help please!!!!
I started seeing this guy who I see only occasionally through work after he was flirting with me for ages. He said he had always liked me, and everything was great. I knew he had been really hurt in the past by his ex wife and girlfriends since. Suddenly after a few wks her started saying that he needed space and he thought he was ready for a relationship, but he wasnt ready for anything. he said he liked me, but could only offer me friendship right now.
Since this time 2 months ago he doesn’t call or text me at all. I have seen him a few times at work since, and he looks at me, flirts a little, laughs, pretends he has been texting my old number when i changed it (but he hadnt as i kept my old number aswell) has got jealous when I asked him another guys name, tells me about himself and asks me loads of questions and seemingly try’s to keep me talking that extra few seconds.
I’ve text him in the past telling him I like him, and that I will wait 6 months if he wants to be with me. But also told him to just tell me if he doesn’t want me to wait or if he is just waiting for someone better to come along – all these texts he ignores completely.
He acted like he really liked and wanted me those first few wks, then its like he got scared and backed off completely. He’s nice and acts like he likes me when I see him, but then completely ignores me inbetween.
I know he’s been hurt badly by so many girls before, and doesn’t want to be hurt again, but I’m so confused. He is a sagittarian, who I have been told are supposed to be blunt and will just tell you if they don’t like you and will just ignore you completely. But one minute he’s acting like he likes me, and inbetween seeing him at work it’s like I don’t exist!
Does he like me, and want a relationship with me one day or is he just stringing me along?????
Hi, Peter. I’m hoping you can help me out a bit.
I met this guy online about a month ago. The first two weeks, we were chatting almost every day, and he kept telling me how amazing and gorgeous I am and kept asking to see me, but I always said no because he wanted to come over at night.
Finally, two weeks ago, I agreed to see him and went over to his place. We chatted for a little while, and I ended up making out with him in his bed. I had to leave after an hour because I was in the middle of moving and needed to pack, and he said he understood since he was moving himself.
When I left, he said he would be busy for the next two weeks, but he said he would text me. Cut to a week later and I haven’t heard a thing from him. I text him a quick “what’s up?” and get a response a few hours later. I tried to follow it up, but got no response, so I waited a few more days (so I wouldn’t look desperate and clingy) and texted him “how’s work going?”. I got a response a few hours later again, and even a response to a follow-up question, but then nothing.
I left it alone a few more days, and then finally I couldn’t take it anymore and messaged him online, but I let my emotions get the better of me and poured my heart out a bit. I got a confused response from him and he said he was just busy. I’m not sure if that’s true or if he’s just trying to let me down gently. He came on really strong in the beginning, saying he could see himself dating me and having a relationship with me, and then now I don’t hear from him at all. I’m tempted to call him, but I’m worried I’ll just scare him off. What should I do?